Marriage - Dance Lessons for 2

Conversations ...

6.45 am, Saturday morning, master bedroom, still dark out,

"Has Joshua woken up yet?"

"Yes, I thought I heard some sounds outside"

<Door opens> <Door closes>

<Door opens> <Door closes>

"He wasn't awake yet, all quiet outside. I've woken him up"

"So I'll drop him off at the MRT station and swing by the gym before I come back"

"OK, in the mean time I will make sure the other two do 1 hour of homework first. Is that Samuel crying?"                                   

<Door opens> <Door closes>

<Door opens> <Door closes>

"He's just making some sounds, not crying yet. So you're leaving at 10 for Caleb's tuition? Can you get lunch for me later?"

"What do you want - rice and vegetable?"

"Err...you can buy McDonald's for the boys and me too. Cheese burger and chicken wings."

"What is Jonah bringing with him - his science workbook?"

"Yes. So you're dropping Caleb and Jonah off at the MRT station after tuition? What about dropping them off at your Mom's p[lace instead?"

"Not unless you're driving down to pick them up"

"No, too much driving today."

"OK, so I will ride with them part of the way on the MRT so I can get to my lecture by 2. Jonah and I will eat first. I won't be buying drinks from McDonald's for you - very hard to bring back. Caleb can buy the drinks from downstairs when he gets back."

"OK. See you later, Samuel's crying now ...love you, bye!"

"Bye!"

Seemingly inane chatter ... certainly not something that TV studios would pay money to make into a reality TV series. This chatter though, gets Marie and I through the day with 4 boys, school, tuition, chores, work, homework. Without it, chaos would reign.

To me, this exchange is a near miracle - to start the day with it, barely see each other in the day, collapse exhausted into bed at night, a quick "I love you", fall into deep sleep and still feel connected as a married couple. It's a miracle because it takes 14 years of marriage to be able to have this awfully mundane, yet at the same time deeply intertwined conversations.

1998 - The start of it all

   When it began ...

Marie and I couldn't talk like this when we were newly married. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into - wanting kids immediately after getting married. God blessed us with Joshua one day before our first wedding anniversary. I was also taking my post-grad exam the same year as well. Our stress level shot through the roof in this our second year of marriage.

Marie:
We had our second wedding anniversary celebration at Prego.  I can't recall much of that dinner save for a commemorative photo that the restaurant staff took of us.  In that photo, Chi Hong looked tired and unhappy while I had a practised smile.  That photo uncannily reflected the stress and strain our marriage was undergoing at that early stage.   Joshua had just turned one.  We had a first birthday celebration for him - a big party -  a milestone no doubt, but it tired us out even more.  Chi Hong was unhappy with his crazy workload!  My mum's cancer had recurred and was testy and difficult.  All these on top of learning to live with each other......

I can't remember exactly but I think that's when we started having arguments and quarrels. We quarreled almost every other day. All those romantic Hollywood notions of marriage just crashed and burned. How could anyone imagine that marriage was going to be like that? Wasn't it supposed to be happily ever after?

Marie:
We went on a trip to Bali with the extended family.  Somehow, we quarreled almost every day, back in our room, of course.  At that point in time, Chi Hong was taking an extended break from work, 5 months in all,  to recover from the exhaustion of taking that very grueling post-grad exam as well as the aforementioned horrible workload.  On paper, it was a good idea, lots of family time.  In reality, the family time was marked with a lot of tension.  I thought he got in the way of my household routines.  I didn't know what to do with him being in and around the home so much.

What were we getting ourselves into?

We also struggled with the feeling that we were leading two separate, individual lives. Living together but not as one. I handled the work outside the home and Marie handled the things at home. We each had our own things to do. The best way to describe it was that we felt like two parallel lines destined never to intersect each other, even if we stretched it to infinity (as my maths teacher taught me in school).

Marie:
"Never the 'twain shall meet."  (from my Humanities background)

This was exactly what we didn't want in our marriage but we were lost in the woods and didn't know how to get out. We asked our married friends if they felt the same way and they all said 'no'.That made us feel even worse - was there something wrong with us? Was our marriage salvageable?

The 'D' Word

Before Marie and I got married, God arranged for us to attend a workshop on the Biblical principles on marriage. The trainer had a good point - if you don't want to have a divorce then don't even entertain the thought of it. I don't think Marie and I were really anywhere near a divorce but the arguments were certainly frequent and fierce. The British actress, Sybil Thorndike put it across nicely - when asked if she would ever leave her husband, she said, "Divorce, never! Murder, often!".

One day out of the blue, a thought struck me. The apparent randomness of that thought but yet so totally true of the situation convinced me that it came from God. The thought was "We're both trying our best." The way we were arguing, it was as if we both didn't care about each other. The irony was that we were working ourselves to exhaustion trying to make our marriage work. Yet instead of appreciating each other's efforts, we were just criticising each other.

This thought was like a light bulb coming on in a dark room. It didn't make the arguments go away immediately but it made us stop and try harder to listen to what the other person was saying.

Happy Times!

Marie:
We attended a married couple's retreat in early 2007.  The retreat was just what we needed.  We had had a massive quarrel the night before and were feeling rather jittery around each other.  It was good to listen to the struggles of other couples, even senior couples with decades of married life. A wonderful takeaway from that retreat was about conflict resolution: rather than thinking we need to battle it out with each other when we hit a roadblock, husband and wife can remember that we are actually standing on the same side and we can work together to remove the roadblock which was our common enemy. We are not each other's enemy. This was another turning point for us.

Love Language

Along the way, Marie also discovered this thing called 'Love Language'. We learnt that we had very different love languages - mine was 'helps' and 'spending time', Marie's was 'gifts' and 'touch'. So take for example - if Marie lost her keys, I would hunt high and low for her and feel it a personal achievement if I found it and gave it to her. But Marie would seem under-awed to me - "unappreciative" in my mind. When I lost my keys, Marie would continue doing her work and barely look up - "unhelpful" in my mind. The problem was "helps" was my love language, not hers - so this meant that we were working and working to show each other love and it was just not being appreciated. Understanding this helped us to appreciate and know each other better bit by bit by bit.

Things get better

Marie:
I love giving and receiving gifts and I really appreciate a well-thought present.  There was one birthday (mine falls on Christmas) when Chi Hong merely gave me books - a book on leadership and a history book.  I put on a brave smile but was seriously disappointed and also hurt. I didn't want books from my husband on the most important day of the year and those books weren't even titles I was interested in!  I didn't feel very loved but kept quiet about it but the emotions couldn't be suppressed and eventually exploded in another big argument much later.  Over time, Chi Hong has understood this part of me better, taking time to think about what I like and enjoy at that point and blessing me with special presents.  Last Christmas, for example, despite still reeling from the upheaval Baby Samuel brought to our lives, Chi Hong made the special effort to bless me with a Bose docking station/speaker for my iPhone, something that I'd looked longingly at for quite a long time!

   Less Quarrels ... More Fun

Over time the arguments did lessen. We're also happy to report that the parallel lines feeling wasn't as prominent. As each child came, we became more practised at supporting each another and anticipating each other's needs, to the point where we were able to have the conversation at the beginning of this blog (being able to go for weekly dates when the kids were older also helped). Of course, sometimes we would still have a real bad argument - was it in 2010 or 2011 when we pulled an over-nighter quarreling about how we used money? As I'm writing this blog, there was also an incident when tension rose and thankfully, fell before it peaked into a full scale argument.

As I write this, I want to qualify that I am not trying to position what Marie and I have experienced as a panacea for all marriage ills (although I think there are some fundamental principles here). Nor do I want to use this judge those whose marriages have ended in a divorce. As I grow older, I am increasingly aware how complex life is; and sometimes people have to make the best out of an extremely difficult situation. Don't get me wrong, I don't support divorce.  The Bible teaches that it is wrong. The hurt it causes the couple and their children is obvious. As I write this, the local newspaper reported that divorce rates are still going up. What the world needs from the Church is not more condemnation but more grace and compassion. Remember what Jesus said when the religious elders came to stone the woman caught in adultery? "Let the one without sin cast the first stone." No surprise that not one stone was cast that day.

Celebrating 14 years!

    It's a Dance!

So marriage is like a dance. When we start out, we end up most of the time stepping on each other's feet.  Sometimes we try so hard it almost feels like we're stamping on each other's feet. But dance we have to because there is no other way of getting better at this then practise, practise and practise; and now that I'm wiser (I hope), I would also say forgive, forgive and forgive. ... and the dance will get better, smoother, more co-ordinated and beautiful. 

1,2,3...1,2,3, we're still practising every day ...

Marie:
Someday, Chi Hong and I will take formal dance lessons.  Seriously.

What? Seriously??!!

P.S. - the YouTube Videos were from one of our favourite movies - "When Harry Met Sally"

                                                          The Happy Ending