One moment on top ...
More that half year ago, I was invited to step down from leadership in church. I had initiated a discussion regarding some disagreements and to announce my plans to step down from leadership at the end of my term in a few month's time. I didn't expect to be invited to step down with immediate effect at the end of that conversation. One moment a church leader, the next moment an ordinary member.To say the least I felt slighted by this turn of events. Pretty soon after that, whenever I was in church I felt all eyes on me. Yet no one uttered a single word to me about my sudden departure from leadership nor thanked me for my work. What was most hurtful was that everyone acted as if nothing had happened. They all evidently knew about the development but chose silence. I could not say I didn't understand their reticence - in the past other leaders had similarly stepped down and had caused pain in church by their very angry and public exits. The people in church were wondering if I were planning to do the same.
Success is a heavy burden to bear ...
For some reason, I felt the burden of success more acutely when I reached this current stage of my life in the late forties. The privilege of youth is the permission to fail. With age, with reputation, with a family to feed, the option to fail became more and more unbearable. The idea of success crept up on me insidiously - it was as if I had gotten out of bed one morning and learnt with momentary delight that I had achieved a certain degree of success; and almost immediately the fear of failure set in. Whether at family gatherings, school reunions (do the frequency of these seem to increase with age?); and how could I forget Facebook? Of course I curated everything that my friends and friends-of-friends got to see. Even more importantly I wanted to make sure that I had something to show - my beautiful wife and children, my fantastic holidays, my lovely dinners, my career successes. Who would ever write "I was just asked to eat humble pie - so embarrassing :( "?Control ... or the loss of it
The fear of failure - I realised that at its root is a control issue, the fear of loss of control. Once I had gotten to be "King of the Hill" I was desperate to make sure nothing in my environment would create a slippery slope; and for a man of certain "standing", I wanted my opinion and wishes respected and complied with by the people around me.In other words, I wanted control of the world and this was exhausting because that was a God sized job and not a man sized job. How often had I said "Let go and let God!" and hadn't meant it. Letting go and letting God should mean that I had peace to accept whatever happened to me because God was in control. As Carrie Underwood sang in her song "Jesus Take the Wheel" - I was supposed to be taking my hands off the steering wheel of my life and letting God drive. In truth my hands were ever only inches away and ready to slap God's hands off the instant He drove my life in a direction I didn't want to take.
And then they become teenagers ..
If you ever want to learn what it means to not be able to control someone - have teenagers in your home. Now that I'm in my late forties I have three sons who are in their teenage years. Overnight, you suddenly cannot get them to sleep at night, you cannot get them to wake in the morning, you cannot get them to take their eyes of their mobile devices, you cannot get them to tell you about their day ("... ok ..." is all you hear), you cannot get them to take out the trash when you want them to. You get the idea.Recently I decided that one of my son's studying and results were not up to my standard. Immediately the control freak in me leaped into high gear. I made him map out every hour of his after school life, made him declare what he would study and have regular meetings with me to give an accounting. Surely this was what he needed to shore up those flagging grades (please note these were judged against Asian Tiger Dad Standards - what may have been perfectly fine to anyone else).
It didn't work - he didn't follow the plan and there was always some reason why he couldn't meet me ("I forgot" being the most common excuse). Every time I turned my head it seemed like his eyes were on his mobile device rather than his books. There were many angry exchanges and interrogations. In the penultimate explosive exchange he looked sullenly at me and said "I'm not doing it because I don't want to. I don't like it". I thank God that at that point He gave me the good sense to ask "What then do you want?" and then to listen. Basically my son wanted 1) "Let me live my own life my way"; and a big surprise to me 2) "Read the Bible with me."
Turning Control over to God
The number 2 request blindsided me and comforted me at the same time. Perhaps in all my failures as a dad I had not failed in everything after all. So we did - we started reading the Bible every Sunday. At 5.15 pm he would promptly say "Pa Pa, you want to do it now?" and we would turn to our Bibles. We didn't prepare before hand. Sometimes we would read what he was reading, sometimes what I was reading and sometimes just a random selection. We just read and let God speak to us from His Word. Invariably there would be something that God would say to him or me. No fantastic prophetic announcements but meaningful to both of us nevertheless.Marie reminded me the other day "Did you realise that the two of you have been doing this without a break for the last 8 weeks? And you've been consistently adding God's truths into his life." No, I had not realised. It was also about that time that God reminded me of the lesson - to take my hands off the steering wheel of my son's life too and to let God. "His studies" God said to me, "is between him and Me". Of course the call was not to drop my son off into an abyss and forget about him. In the Bible, God said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Trying to control my son? Totally exhausting; and that was not even my job. My job was to point him to God and to let God deal with Him.
Learning to Let Go and Let God
Coming back to the church incident, I thank God that providentially I had gone for a work place workshop around that time. The workshop endeavoured to teach us a different perspective - that in every situation, especially when one's interest was challenged, avoid self-protection first but look to what was best for the situation. While I appreciated the perspective the workshop was teaching I also thought that there was no real way any normal human (I don't profess to be a saint) could be so altruistic unless he first took his hands off the steering wheel. Why did Jesus die with great pain and suffering on the cross for our sins? Firstly because God wanted him to; and because he loved and trusted God. Then secondly because His death was good for us. The church incident was hurtful to me, did I tell you that already? Were there times when I wanted to strike back? Were there times I wanted to create a big scene to justify myself and defend my ego? Of course, of course, of course a hundred times over.I thank God that He gave me the peace not to. I took my hands off the steering wheel. I trusted God to take care of me. He knew the good work I had done. I didn't need to justify myself. I tried to do what was best for the situation and I promised to continue teaching the children in the ministry I was no longer leading. The human mind could not understand this. It was not intuitive but truly God's ways were better.
Losing something to gain a whole lot more
In stepping down from leadership, I gained many more opportunities to teach the children in church God's truth. This had been my original passion, not this leadership thing. When the people in church saw that I had no intention of turning the world upside down they started to feel safe with me again. About six months later, a lovely lady from church came up to thank me and to present me with a gift in appreciation for my work in the ministry. I could accept the gift humbly and graciously because I had not created a scene. This was exactly what I had wanted - a tangible appreciation, no matter how big or small, from someone in church. It could not have been possible until I had given up my own desire to strike back, to force people into acknowledging and appreciating me. |
| Church Children's Day Celebration 2016 |
God Redeems
One year ago, I could not have imagined that I would be up on stage in church, wearing a rainbow coloured wig, with Marie by my side, using science experiments to teach the children and adults in the audience God's truths. My pastor had graciously invited me to share the pulpit with him in our church Children's Day Carnival. We were "Chef Marie and the Mad Scientist".The Bible says "For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?" (Mark 8:36). God reminded me that even if it was possible for me to control the world, it was not possible for me to gain my own life. To gain my life I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel, let God drive and learn to appreciate the ride. Amen.
And for the Country Music Fans:
Jesus Take the Wheel, Carrie Underwood
