I promised last year that I would write about how Marie and I fell in love; and I'm late because it's already this year and I've not written it yet. As they say, better late than never - so here is the story ... or what I can remember of it anyway. Marie's always been the one who has the memory for the details. (Marie: That's because I kept a journal and recorded EVERY detail. Yes, I'm a scary wife!)
We celebrated Valentine's Day at Lawry's this year as a 15-year-married couple. As we sat at the table enjoying the excellent food, we had a heartfelt conversation about what we had learnt in our years together. I was amazed, as I constantly am, that we have come this far and are still enjoying each other's company because it didn't always and still doesn't always feel like that.
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| Celebrating 15 Years! |
If I can make one statement about what I have learnt it's this - "A great marriage starts with attraction but it's hard work that builds it for the years."
How it all Began
The first time I knew of Marie's existence was at a church meeting. Honestly, it was not love at first sight. Maybe God knew we were both not ready. Christian names weren't all that popular then and there I was this Chinese school boy thinking what's this girl doing without a Chinese name? And that was that ...
The second time we met was when the attraction began. We were on a church mission trip with a group of people and my eye kept being drawn to a little brown purse that Marie clutched in her hand. Out of this purse came intriguing things like tissue paper, money etc. There seemed to be no end to the things that could come out of it (Marie would tell me much later that the purse was an Esprit purse and it was black not brown, which just goes to show you how poor my memory is for such things). By the time Marie knew of my attraction to it, she had already thrown the purse away so I've never actually held that purse in my hand. Marie tells me what caught her eye of me was this guy who went around offering people biscuits and cookies out of a plastic box (I was trained in the military to always have food on hand - you never knew when you would need a snack!); and not just normal cookies but coloured wafers. "Now who in the world would do that?", she thought. (Marie: Those were garishly coloured Arnott's wafers. I didn't take one but I did accept a chocolate he offered the next day. Chi Hong: Just to show how much Marie loves me - she bought me 4 boxes of these wafers when she was in Australia last year).
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| These started it off ... |
After the trip we followed up with an 'outing' to watch a play and I swear to this day that I didn't know it was Valentine's Day; and that it was incidental that I gave her a hand-made heart-shaped woven basket (I bought the kit and I didn't know the basket would turn out heart-shaped!) (Marie said to clarify that this was not our first date. Our first date was dinner at Prego).
I would have liked to have written ... and that was that - the rest is history; but that was not to be. As Marie has complained to me over the years - I certainly took my time to decide. (Marie: It was a whole year from going on the first date to going steady!) This is where it gets a bit fuzzy for me but she can remember every detail like it happened yesterday - how she made Tiramisu for me TWICE (Marie: TWICE!!) and I seemed unmoved, how her friend told her I was interested in some other girl, how I stood her up when we were supposed to meet up after a big church thing .... but each time she was ready to give up on me somehow I did something to pull her back again.
There was certainly Attraction
Marie was definitely attractive. She was intelligent and we could carry on long conversations on many different topics. We had common interests - books, movies, food. We didn't have the same taste in music (Jazz &
'Well you can't have a dream ,
And cut it to fit
But when I saw you, I knew
We go together, like a wink and a smile'
From the song - A Wink and a Smile, sung by Harry Connick, Jr in the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle'
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| Those dating days ... |
There was no thunderclap the day I felt sure. I remembered going to Marie's place and was lying on her couch and it just felt like home - not really the place per se but I knew that Marie was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of every day; and this time, that was that - I was sure from that time onward and the rest was history.
Things progressed well enough after that. My parents were only little too eager to get their first daughter-in-law. When I announced to them that I was going steady with Marie after thinking about it for a while, my Dad said, "What's there to think about? If it's right, it's right." I conspired with Marie's mom to steal one of her rings from her dresser so that I could buy her an engagement ring but of course nothing escaped Marie's eagle eyes so she was already waiting eagerly by the time I presented it to her on bended knees at a lake in Tasmania (what's the name of that lake dear?) (Marie: That was another half year wait...and it was Dove lake, my dear husband!)
The wedding and honeymoon were great. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Don't get me wrong - Marie and I, we enjoy the romantic part of a love relationship as much as the other person. We did (and still do) all the romantic stuff - movies, the dinners out, flowers, presents, concerts (James Taylor live in Singapore!). I still take peeks at Martha Stewart Wedding Magazines at the bookshop and we both harbour a secret wish that our children will one day organise another wedding for us to renew our vows (though with 4 boys ....). But over the years when we've quarreled, we've never stopped because we remembered how lovely our wedding was. We've come to the conclusion that (as we say in science) the relationship between a lavish wedding and a happy marriage is not statistically significant.
Committed to Loving for Life
After all, honestly, how difficult is it to look good, to be nice and considerate for the 3 or 4 hours when you're together on a date? And the wedding is really the epitome of a great date. When the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off and when the honeymoon is over, Marie discovered that the guy lying next to her snored so loudly that she couldn't sleep; and then the kids come and we fought over who's turn it was to stay up - that's when the love lessons really began. (Marie: I wore ear plugs the first couple of years until I managed to train Chi Hong to sleep on his side. Occasionally, I still have to contend with those snores then I jab him in the side and he turns over. Love Lesson # 1: Train your husband not to snore. Chi Hong: I thought my snore lull you to sleep these days ...)
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| For better or for worse ... |
I will be the first to admit that I love Hollywood romantic comedies - "When Harry Met Sally" (Marie and my favourite movie), "Sleepless in Seattle", "You've Got Mail", "Notting Hill" ... I could never understand in the past why so many of these actors and actresses could act out these love stories but then have such horrible personal lives. Maybe for them too when the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off ... they forget that real life was not so pretty after all.
What was that wedding vow? "...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part". It is now 15 years later that I am beginning to understand the significance of these words ... The vow is to learn love and make it real through the ups and downs of a life together. It's ironic how we often think the beautiful marriages are the airbrushed, jet setting ones rather than the ones with the messiness of life, kids, happiness and even tragedies.
Before marriage I thought - I was a good guy, I knew how to be nice, I knew how to buy flowers, I did all the romantic stuff like in the movies. It was after marriage that I realised what a selfish, horrible person I could be. There was so much I needed to learn about loving and living with this woman whom I have committed to for the rest of our lives together.
Building a Marriage with God
It is a great challenge to love in this way. I don't trust myself to succeed without help. But we know that when we trust God and follow His way - there is hope; and not just wishful hoping but hope that is real because it is grounded in Him. Psalms 127 : 1-2 reminds us that our own work is futile unless God is working with us. In marriage, the human relationship that God treasures because it reflects the relationship He wants with us, there is every hope that we will be blessed when we build it in His Way and with His Help.
Unless the Lord builds a house,
the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
for God gives rest to his loved ones.
Psalms 127: 1-2
The rest of this story - akan datang (or coming soon).
"When Harry Met Sally"
