Letting Go

God brings people - imperfect, fallible and sinful people into the Church - people like me. If it were only us, it would have been a recipe for disaster but it was not. God redeems and out of our mess He creates miracles ...

One moment on top ...

More that half year ago, I was invited to step down from leadership in church. I had initiated a discussion regarding some disagreements and to announce my plans to step down from leadership at the end of my term in a few month's time. I didn't expect to be invited to step down with immediate effect at the end of that conversation. One moment a church leader, the next moment an ordinary member.

To say the least I felt slighted by this turn of events. Pretty soon after that, whenever I was in church I felt all eyes on me. Yet no one uttered a single word to me about my sudden departure from leadership nor thanked me for my work. What was most hurtful was that everyone acted as if nothing had happened. They all evidently knew about the development but chose silence. I could not say I didn't understand their reticence - in the past other leaders had similarly stepped down and had caused pain in church by their very angry and public exits. The people in church were wondering if I were planning to do the same.

Success is a heavy burden to bear ...

For some reason, I felt the burden of success more acutely when I reached this current stage of my life in the late forties. The privilege of youth is the permission to fail. With age, with reputation, with a family to feed, the option to fail became more and more unbearable. The idea of success crept up on me insidiously - it was as if I had gotten out of bed one morning and learnt with momentary delight that I had achieved a certain degree of success; and almost immediately the fear of failure set in. Whether at family gatherings, school reunions (do the frequency of these seem to increase with age?); and how could I forget Facebook? Of course I curated everything that my friends and friends-of-friends got to see. Even more importantly I wanted to make sure that I had something to show - my beautiful wife and children, my fantastic holidays, my lovely dinners, my career successes. Who would ever write "I was just asked to eat humble pie - so embarrassing :( "?

Control ... or the loss of it

The fear of failure - I realised that at its root is a control issue, the fear of loss of control. Once I had gotten to be "King of the Hill" I was desperate to make sure nothing in my environment would create a slippery slope; and for a man of certain "standing", I wanted my opinion and wishes respected and complied with by the people around me.

In other words, I wanted control of the world and this was exhausting because that was a God sized job and not a man sized job. How often had I said "Let go and let God!" and hadn't meant it. Letting go and letting God should mean that I had peace to accept whatever happened to me because God was in control. As Carrie Underwood sang in her song "Jesus Take the Wheel" - I was supposed to be taking my hands off the steering wheel of my life and letting God drive. In truth my hands were ever only inches away and ready to slap God's hands off the instant He drove my life in a direction I didn't want to take.

And then they become teenagers ..

If you ever want to learn what it means to not be able to control someone - have teenagers in your home. Now that I'm in my late forties I have three sons who are in their teenage years. Overnight, you suddenly cannot get them to sleep at night, you cannot get them to wake in the morning, you cannot get them to take their eyes of their mobile devices, you cannot get them to tell you about their day ("... ok ..." is all you hear), you cannot get them to take out the trash when you want them to. You get the idea.

Recently I decided that one of my son's studying and results were not up to my standard. Immediately the control freak in me leaped into high gear. I made him map out every hour of his after school life, made him declare what he would study and have regular meetings with me to give an accounting. Surely this was what he needed to shore up those flagging grades (please note these were judged against Asian Tiger Dad Standards - what may have been perfectly fine to anyone else).

It didn't work - he didn't follow the plan and there was always some reason why he couldn't meet me ("I forgot" being the most common excuse). Every time I turned my head it seemed like his eyes were on his mobile device rather than his books. There were many angry exchanges and interrogations. In the penultimate explosive exchange he looked sullenly at me and said "I'm not doing it because I don't want to. I don't like it". I thank God that at that point He gave me the good sense to ask "What then do you want?" and then to listen. Basically my son wanted 1) "Let me live my own life my way"; and a big surprise to me 2) "Read the Bible with me."

Turning Control over to God

The number 2 request blindsided me and comforted me at the same time. Perhaps in all my failures as a dad I had not failed in everything after all. So we did - we started reading the Bible every Sunday. At 5.15 pm he would promptly say "Pa Pa, you want to do it now?" and we would turn to our Bibles. We didn't prepare before hand. Sometimes we would read what he was reading, sometimes what I was reading and sometimes just a random selection. We just read and let God speak to us from His Word. Invariably there would be something that God would say to him or me. No fantastic prophetic announcements but meaningful to both of us nevertheless.

Marie reminded me the other day "Did you realise that the two of you have been doing this without a break for the last 8 weeks? And you've been consistently adding God's truths into his life." No, I had not realised. It was also about that time that God reminded me of the lesson - to take my hands off the steering wheel of my son's life too and to let God. "His studies" God said to me, "is between him and Me". Of course the call was not to drop my son off into an abyss and forget about him. In the Bible, God said,  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Trying to control my son? Totally exhausting; and that was not even my job. My job was to point him to God and to let God deal with Him.

Learning to Let Go and Let God

Coming back to the church incident, I thank God that providentially I had gone for a work place workshop around that time. The workshop endeavoured to teach us a different perspective - that in every situation, especially when one's interest was challenged, avoid self-protection first but look to what was best for the situation. While I appreciated the perspective the workshop was teaching I also thought that there was no real way any normal human (I don't profess to be a saint) could be so altruistic unless he first took his hands off the steering wheel. Why did Jesus die with great pain and suffering on the cross for our sins? Firstly because God wanted him to; and because he loved and trusted God. Then secondly because His death was good for us. The church incident was hurtful to me, did I tell you that already? Were there times when I wanted to strike back? Were there times I wanted to create a big scene to justify myself and defend my ego? Of course, of course, of course a hundred times over.

I thank God that He gave me the peace not to. I took my hands off the steering wheel. I trusted God to take care of me. He knew the good work I had done. I didn't need to justify myself. I tried to do what was best for the situation and I promised to continue teaching the children in the ministry I was no longer leading. The human mind could not understand this. It was not intuitive but truly God's ways were better.

Losing something to gain a whole lot more

In stepping down from leadership, I gained many more opportunities to teach the children in church God's truth. This had been my original passion, not this leadership thing. When the people in church saw that I had no intention of turning the world upside down they started to feel safe with me again. About six months later, a lovely lady from church came up to thank me and to present me with a gift in appreciation for my work in the ministry. I could accept the gift humbly and graciously because I had not created a scene. This was exactly what I had wanted - a tangible appreciation, no matter how big or small, from someone in church. It could not have been possible until I had given up my own desire to strike back, to force people into acknowledging and appreciating me.

Church Children's Day Celebration 2016

God Redeems 

One year ago, I could not have imagined that I would be up on stage in church, wearing a rainbow coloured wig, with Marie by my side, using science experiments to teach the children and adults in the audience God's truths. My pastor had graciously invited me to share the pulpit with him in our church Children's Day Carnival. We were "Chef Marie and the Mad Scientist".


The Bible says "For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?" (Mark 8:36). God reminded me that even if it was possible for me to control the world, it was not possible for me to gain my own life. To gain my life I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel, let God drive and learn to appreciate the ride. Amen.

And for the Country Music Fans:

Jesus Take the Wheel, Carrie Underwood

 

Father of Everyday Moments

The Challenge

Recently I was posed a Facebook challenge by my friend Adrian to post a photo of a significant moment that made me feel proud to be a father. He had a winner - a friend had captured his son and him in a fierce bear hug at the end of a rugby game. Their facial expressions captured the emotional high they shared at that moment for the hard fought victory.

I looked hard at my collection of photos and came up with this recent one of me and the three older ones having dinner at a nearby cafe. It was not particularly well taken - the image was blurred because the ambient lighting was dim. It probably would not have caught many people's attention if I had posted it on Facebook - just another one of the many photos of me and my family enjoying food in an eatery. Nevertheless this was the photo that reminded me of the father-son moments that were precious to me.

Dinner Date with the Boys

I am envious of Adrian and his relationship with his children. It is clear that they share a close bond. I used to feel jealousy and even guilt that I did not seem to have a similarly close relationship with my boys. However, I am learning that with fathering the secret is also to appreciate myself for who I am and not to try to be someone else.

Fathering Styles

Looking at one's own fathering style, I believe one must always look first at one's own father. My father was born and raised in China.  Like his father before him, they were typical Asian fathers. Overt expression of emotions were not the norm. Hugs if they ever occurred were uneasy affairs. Asian fathers showed love by providing for the family. The daily family dinner was sacred. Everybody sat down together for dinner. Dad was always there - a sure and steady rock. My Dad is an introspective man. He worries more than is necessary for his children (and still does - I'm going to be 48 years old in a few weeks time, Dad). He loves books. Beach holidays were his escape ... So am I and so do I (apologies for the bad grammar but you get the point) as you will see when I elaborate more in this blog.

In truth, I could be more playful with my children, especially the rough-and-tumble kind. Years ago, after much goading from Marie, I finally agreed to go for a father-and-son camp organised by the school with my oldest Joshua. I treasured the opportunity to spend time with him but for all of me I could not fathom why special father-son moments needed to be held at isolated locations with uncomfortable beds and mosquito attacks. The toilets had bugs crawling in the sinks - those big ugly kind that gave me goose pimples looking at them. When it came for the next father-and-son camp I tried to bribe the next son with a hotel stay in Sentosa instead (beach holiday, my childhood memory of time with Dad, get it?). Strangely he wasn't interested in the 5 star comfort. Thank God that eventually work commitment intervened and I couldn't make it for the camp anyway, especially when I found out later that they had pitched tents in the mud. There weren't even beds to lie on or bug infested toilets.

Starbucks - where else?

I've learnt that I really don't have to bash myself up about not being the 'wild man' type of father. In these modern times, there are many more options for the more introspective, less "swashbuckling", more urbane fathers. I love Starbucks - the coffee can be cheap (if you know how to order), the ambiance is nice. There's no where better to spend time reading a book or reflecting on life but this is not just my private sanctuary. I've spent wonderful moments with all my sons in Starbucks. We don't even have to talk - I could be reading a book and they on their mobile devices. Ever so often I would surprise them with a drink at home. Whenver the word 'Starbucks' left my mouth in Samuel's (my 4 year old) earshot he would not be happy till we got to an outlet.

Recently, in an attempt to better understand the three older teenage boys, Marie and I asked them to do a survey on their Love Language. All of them had 'Spending Quality Time' as their top one or two
Love Language. So it looked like at least I'm on the right track with Starbucks.

(If you're keen - 5 Love Languages Survey for Teens)

Playfulness

Having Samuel after a long break from the third boy Jonah is giving me the opportunity to be more playful. Recently, on two consecutive Saturdays I took Samuel out to the pool at the club. I told myself on the way to the pool to really play with him and not just laze by the pool; and we did - we raced, we chased, we sprayed each other with water and invented crazy ball games. The funny thing was that on both of these occasions, another boy in the pool would try to edge his way into the action - the boys whose own fathers were probably sitting by the poolside reading the papers or their mobile device. My son and I had become objects of envy for others. Success!

As They Grow Older

For the older boys, Marie and I have noticed that as they grew older, it was (as the books also said) I the father whom they were gravitating towards to share their interests. They no longer expected me to bring them camping and even if I brought up the topic (half in jest) they would raise their eyebrows and say "Hah? Really?". What they really wanted these days was for me to be interested in their interests. I'm not really into soccer either but I've learnt that it's important to keep up with the latest developments in Real Madrid or Man U. For another, it's Gundam and of late the art of typography. For the son who has interest in history, I felt a connection with him instantly when I could discuss with him if 1939 was the start of the World War II (I confess had to "wikipedia" it first). With Samuel we're still arguing if Hello Kitty is the most powerful superhero ever. He says, "Cannot! No such thing. Hello Kitty is not real!"; and yet the Avengers are real? I laugh at this illogical logic in him. I love going to the movies and now that the boys are older, I can take them with me to the Sci-Fi and Superhero movies. Marie's just glad that she can be spared from these.

Drawing Them in with Love

Recently I wanted two of the boys to meet me regularly to give an accounting of their studies. The more I tried to get them to comply to my iron clad rules, the more they tried to wriggle out of it. It came to a flashpoint when I was interrogating them for once again missing our pre-arranged meeting time. One of them finally said sullenly, "I don't want to because I don't like it". They disliked these encounters because all I did was tell them about their mistakes and deficiencies. It struck me then that I could never draw them in with rules, even if it was for their good. God pulls us to Him with love first then shows us why His commandments were for our good.

I decided to change tack with the boys. I still wanted them to meet me but I let them decide what they wanted to show me whenever we met. "Your studies, your responsibilities, your plans", I said to them; and I would give them the support that they wanted. More importantly I became more intentional in looking out for their good work to give them praise. For both boys we ended up also reading the Bible and praying at each of these sessions. If my praise uplifted them, it was even better for them to know that God was pleased with them. On the days that they didn't do well we turned to God for His mercy and grace. Does He not wipe our slates clean whenever we turned to Him sincerely? No matter how bad a day turned out to be, we could start the next day with a fresh start. I am learning that if I wanted my boys to grow up to be strong and confident men they needed to hear from me that I was proud of them; and even more importantly that God was proud of them too. I realised that what was also important in my clumsy attempts at being a father was to show my boys that there was a Heavenly Father who could love them perfectly.

My Four Precious Ones

What is Life without Dessert

Coming back to the photo - my Dad was always at the dinner table and so eating together with the boys will always be special for me. At the end of the meal I asked one of them what he thought of the dessert. He didn't look impressed "They shouldn't serve bread-and-butter pudding in a bowl and the bread was rubbery." I couldn't have been more proud at that point - indeed a son after my own heart. A good meal was never complete till it ended with a good dessert. With my style of fathering I may never be a father of significant moments but I certainly can be a father of everyday moments. Amen.