Letting Go

God brings people - imperfect, fallible and sinful people into the Church - people like me. If it were only us, it would have been a recipe for disaster but it was not. God redeems and out of our mess He creates miracles ...

One moment on top ...

More that half year ago, I was invited to step down from leadership in church. I had initiated a discussion regarding some disagreements and to announce my plans to step down from leadership at the end of my term in a few month's time. I didn't expect to be invited to step down with immediate effect at the end of that conversation. One moment a church leader, the next moment an ordinary member.

To say the least I felt slighted by this turn of events. Pretty soon after that, whenever I was in church I felt all eyes on me. Yet no one uttered a single word to me about my sudden departure from leadership nor thanked me for my work. What was most hurtful was that everyone acted as if nothing had happened. They all evidently knew about the development but chose silence. I could not say I didn't understand their reticence - in the past other leaders had similarly stepped down and had caused pain in church by their very angry and public exits. The people in church were wondering if I were planning to do the same.

Success is a heavy burden to bear ...

For some reason, I felt the burden of success more acutely when I reached this current stage of my life in the late forties. The privilege of youth is the permission to fail. With age, with reputation, with a family to feed, the option to fail became more and more unbearable. The idea of success crept up on me insidiously - it was as if I had gotten out of bed one morning and learnt with momentary delight that I had achieved a certain degree of success; and almost immediately the fear of failure set in. Whether at family gatherings, school reunions (do the frequency of these seem to increase with age?); and how could I forget Facebook? Of course I curated everything that my friends and friends-of-friends got to see. Even more importantly I wanted to make sure that I had something to show - my beautiful wife and children, my fantastic holidays, my lovely dinners, my career successes. Who would ever write "I was just asked to eat humble pie - so embarrassing :( "?

Control ... or the loss of it

The fear of failure - I realised that at its root is a control issue, the fear of loss of control. Once I had gotten to be "King of the Hill" I was desperate to make sure nothing in my environment would create a slippery slope; and for a man of certain "standing", I wanted my opinion and wishes respected and complied with by the people around me.

In other words, I wanted control of the world and this was exhausting because that was a God sized job and not a man sized job. How often had I said "Let go and let God!" and hadn't meant it. Letting go and letting God should mean that I had peace to accept whatever happened to me because God was in control. As Carrie Underwood sang in her song "Jesus Take the Wheel" - I was supposed to be taking my hands off the steering wheel of my life and letting God drive. In truth my hands were ever only inches away and ready to slap God's hands off the instant He drove my life in a direction I didn't want to take.

And then they become teenagers ..

If you ever want to learn what it means to not be able to control someone - have teenagers in your home. Now that I'm in my late forties I have three sons who are in their teenage years. Overnight, you suddenly cannot get them to sleep at night, you cannot get them to wake in the morning, you cannot get them to take their eyes of their mobile devices, you cannot get them to tell you about their day ("... ok ..." is all you hear), you cannot get them to take out the trash when you want them to. You get the idea.

Recently I decided that one of my son's studying and results were not up to my standard. Immediately the control freak in me leaped into high gear. I made him map out every hour of his after school life, made him declare what he would study and have regular meetings with me to give an accounting. Surely this was what he needed to shore up those flagging grades (please note these were judged against Asian Tiger Dad Standards - what may have been perfectly fine to anyone else).

It didn't work - he didn't follow the plan and there was always some reason why he couldn't meet me ("I forgot" being the most common excuse). Every time I turned my head it seemed like his eyes were on his mobile device rather than his books. There were many angry exchanges and interrogations. In the penultimate explosive exchange he looked sullenly at me and said "I'm not doing it because I don't want to. I don't like it". I thank God that at that point He gave me the good sense to ask "What then do you want?" and then to listen. Basically my son wanted 1) "Let me live my own life my way"; and a big surprise to me 2) "Read the Bible with me."

Turning Control over to God

The number 2 request blindsided me and comforted me at the same time. Perhaps in all my failures as a dad I had not failed in everything after all. So we did - we started reading the Bible every Sunday. At 5.15 pm he would promptly say "Pa Pa, you want to do it now?" and we would turn to our Bibles. We didn't prepare before hand. Sometimes we would read what he was reading, sometimes what I was reading and sometimes just a random selection. We just read and let God speak to us from His Word. Invariably there would be something that God would say to him or me. No fantastic prophetic announcements but meaningful to both of us nevertheless.

Marie reminded me the other day "Did you realise that the two of you have been doing this without a break for the last 8 weeks? And you've been consistently adding God's truths into his life." No, I had not realised. It was also about that time that God reminded me of the lesson - to take my hands off the steering wheel of my son's life too and to let God. "His studies" God said to me, "is between him and Me". Of course the call was not to drop my son off into an abyss and forget about him. In the Bible, God said,  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Trying to control my son? Totally exhausting; and that was not even my job. My job was to point him to God and to let God deal with Him.

Learning to Let Go and Let God

Coming back to the church incident, I thank God that providentially I had gone for a work place workshop around that time. The workshop endeavoured to teach us a different perspective - that in every situation, especially when one's interest was challenged, avoid self-protection first but look to what was best for the situation. While I appreciated the perspective the workshop was teaching I also thought that there was no real way any normal human (I don't profess to be a saint) could be so altruistic unless he first took his hands off the steering wheel. Why did Jesus die with great pain and suffering on the cross for our sins? Firstly because God wanted him to; and because he loved and trusted God. Then secondly because His death was good for us. The church incident was hurtful to me, did I tell you that already? Were there times when I wanted to strike back? Were there times I wanted to create a big scene to justify myself and defend my ego? Of course, of course, of course a hundred times over.

I thank God that He gave me the peace not to. I took my hands off the steering wheel. I trusted God to take care of me. He knew the good work I had done. I didn't need to justify myself. I tried to do what was best for the situation and I promised to continue teaching the children in the ministry I was no longer leading. The human mind could not understand this. It was not intuitive but truly God's ways were better.

Losing something to gain a whole lot more

In stepping down from leadership, I gained many more opportunities to teach the children in church God's truth. This had been my original passion, not this leadership thing. When the people in church saw that I had no intention of turning the world upside down they started to feel safe with me again. About six months later, a lovely lady from church came up to thank me and to present me with a gift in appreciation for my work in the ministry. I could accept the gift humbly and graciously because I had not created a scene. This was exactly what I had wanted - a tangible appreciation, no matter how big or small, from someone in church. It could not have been possible until I had given up my own desire to strike back, to force people into acknowledging and appreciating me.

Church Children's Day Celebration 2016

God Redeems 

One year ago, I could not have imagined that I would be up on stage in church, wearing a rainbow coloured wig, with Marie by my side, using science experiments to teach the children and adults in the audience God's truths. My pastor had graciously invited me to share the pulpit with him in our church Children's Day Carnival. We were "Chef Marie and the Mad Scientist".


The Bible says "For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?" (Mark 8:36). God reminded me that even if it was possible for me to control the world, it was not possible for me to gain my own life. To gain my life I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel, let God drive and learn to appreciate the ride. Amen.

And for the Country Music Fans:

Jesus Take the Wheel, Carrie Underwood

 

Father of Everyday Moments

The Challenge

Recently I was posed a Facebook challenge by my friend Adrian to post a photo of a significant moment that made me feel proud to be a father. He had a winner - a friend had captured his son and him in a fierce bear hug at the end of a rugby game. Their facial expressions captured the emotional high they shared at that moment for the hard fought victory.

I looked hard at my collection of photos and came up with this recent one of me and the three older ones having dinner at a nearby cafe. It was not particularly well taken - the image was blurred because the ambient lighting was dim. It probably would not have caught many people's attention if I had posted it on Facebook - just another one of the many photos of me and my family enjoying food in an eatery. Nevertheless this was the photo that reminded me of the father-son moments that were precious to me.

Dinner Date with the Boys

I am envious of Adrian and his relationship with his children. It is clear that they share a close bond. I used to feel jealousy and even guilt that I did not seem to have a similarly close relationship with my boys. However, I am learning that with fathering the secret is also to appreciate myself for who I am and not to try to be someone else.

Fathering Styles

Looking at one's own fathering style, I believe one must always look first at one's own father. My father was born and raised in China.  Like his father before him, they were typical Asian fathers. Overt expression of emotions were not the norm. Hugs if they ever occurred were uneasy affairs. Asian fathers showed love by providing for the family. The daily family dinner was sacred. Everybody sat down together for dinner. Dad was always there - a sure and steady rock. My Dad is an introspective man. He worries more than is necessary for his children (and still does - I'm going to be 48 years old in a few weeks time, Dad). He loves books. Beach holidays were his escape ... So am I and so do I (apologies for the bad grammar but you get the point) as you will see when I elaborate more in this blog.

In truth, I could be more playful with my children, especially the rough-and-tumble kind. Years ago, after much goading from Marie, I finally agreed to go for a father-and-son camp organised by the school with my oldest Joshua. I treasured the opportunity to spend time with him but for all of me I could not fathom why special father-son moments needed to be held at isolated locations with uncomfortable beds and mosquito attacks. The toilets had bugs crawling in the sinks - those big ugly kind that gave me goose pimples looking at them. When it came for the next father-and-son camp I tried to bribe the next son with a hotel stay in Sentosa instead (beach holiday, my childhood memory of time with Dad, get it?). Strangely he wasn't interested in the 5 star comfort. Thank God that eventually work commitment intervened and I couldn't make it for the camp anyway, especially when I found out later that they had pitched tents in the mud. There weren't even beds to lie on or bug infested toilets.

Starbucks - where else?

I've learnt that I really don't have to bash myself up about not being the 'wild man' type of father. In these modern times, there are many more options for the more introspective, less "swashbuckling", more urbane fathers. I love Starbucks - the coffee can be cheap (if you know how to order), the ambiance is nice. There's no where better to spend time reading a book or reflecting on life but this is not just my private sanctuary. I've spent wonderful moments with all my sons in Starbucks. We don't even have to talk - I could be reading a book and they on their mobile devices. Ever so often I would surprise them with a drink at home. Whenver the word 'Starbucks' left my mouth in Samuel's (my 4 year old) earshot he would not be happy till we got to an outlet.

Recently, in an attempt to better understand the three older teenage boys, Marie and I asked them to do a survey on their Love Language. All of them had 'Spending Quality Time' as their top one or two
Love Language. So it looked like at least I'm on the right track with Starbucks.

(If you're keen - 5 Love Languages Survey for Teens)

Playfulness

Having Samuel after a long break from the third boy Jonah is giving me the opportunity to be more playful. Recently, on two consecutive Saturdays I took Samuel out to the pool at the club. I told myself on the way to the pool to really play with him and not just laze by the pool; and we did - we raced, we chased, we sprayed each other with water and invented crazy ball games. The funny thing was that on both of these occasions, another boy in the pool would try to edge his way into the action - the boys whose own fathers were probably sitting by the poolside reading the papers or their mobile device. My son and I had become objects of envy for others. Success!

As They Grow Older

For the older boys, Marie and I have noticed that as they grew older, it was (as the books also said) I the father whom they were gravitating towards to share their interests. They no longer expected me to bring them camping and even if I brought up the topic (half in jest) they would raise their eyebrows and say "Hah? Really?". What they really wanted these days was for me to be interested in their interests. I'm not really into soccer either but I've learnt that it's important to keep up with the latest developments in Real Madrid or Man U. For another, it's Gundam and of late the art of typography. For the son who has interest in history, I felt a connection with him instantly when I could discuss with him if 1939 was the start of the World War II (I confess had to "wikipedia" it first). With Samuel we're still arguing if Hello Kitty is the most powerful superhero ever. He says, "Cannot! No such thing. Hello Kitty is not real!"; and yet the Avengers are real? I laugh at this illogical logic in him. I love going to the movies and now that the boys are older, I can take them with me to the Sci-Fi and Superhero movies. Marie's just glad that she can be spared from these.

Drawing Them in with Love

Recently I wanted two of the boys to meet me regularly to give an accounting of their studies. The more I tried to get them to comply to my iron clad rules, the more they tried to wriggle out of it. It came to a flashpoint when I was interrogating them for once again missing our pre-arranged meeting time. One of them finally said sullenly, "I don't want to because I don't like it". They disliked these encounters because all I did was tell them about their mistakes and deficiencies. It struck me then that I could never draw them in with rules, even if it was for their good. God pulls us to Him with love first then shows us why His commandments were for our good.

I decided to change tack with the boys. I still wanted them to meet me but I let them decide what they wanted to show me whenever we met. "Your studies, your responsibilities, your plans", I said to them; and I would give them the support that they wanted. More importantly I became more intentional in looking out for their good work to give them praise. For both boys we ended up also reading the Bible and praying at each of these sessions. If my praise uplifted them, it was even better for them to know that God was pleased with them. On the days that they didn't do well we turned to God for His mercy and grace. Does He not wipe our slates clean whenever we turned to Him sincerely? No matter how bad a day turned out to be, we could start the next day with a fresh start. I am learning that if I wanted my boys to grow up to be strong and confident men they needed to hear from me that I was proud of them; and even more importantly that God was proud of them too. I realised that what was also important in my clumsy attempts at being a father was to show my boys that there was a Heavenly Father who could love them perfectly.

My Four Precious Ones

What is Life without Dessert

Coming back to the photo - my Dad was always at the dinner table and so eating together with the boys will always be special for me. At the end of the meal I asked one of them what he thought of the dessert. He didn't look impressed "They shouldn't serve bread-and-butter pudding in a bowl and the bread was rubbery." I couldn't have been more proud at that point - indeed a son after my own heart. A good meal was never complete till it ended with a good dessert. With my style of fathering I may never be a father of significant moments but I certainly can be a father of everyday moments. Amen.

Receiving PSLE Results - A Third Time (Reflections and Thoughts)

It's That Time of the Year Again

In 2011, 2013, and this year in 2015, I've had a son return to his school to collect results for that all important exam we call the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination). The results determine the chance of the child to get into the school and programme of his (or maybe his parents?) choice.
I have written about my experience with the PSLE for my two older boys in these two blogs:
PSLE Blog 1 and PSLE Blog 2; and as promised I am now writing about my experience a third time round.

Been There, Done That? Or Not?

My PSLE Journey with Jonah

This being the third time, I knew what to expect when we went to the school to collect Jonah's results:
1. All start in the auditorium for the announcement of the top scorers in the school - check
2. Parents to wait outside the classrooms for each boy to receive his results from his teacher - check
3. Jonah gets his results, no crying, confirm he is ok - check
4. Praise and congratulate him - check
5. Time for celebratory lunch - check

It would have been easy for me to take things for granted this third time round thinking that I already know exactly what to expect; and I would have done my son and myself a big disservice. Certainly knowing what was ahead did make some things easier. I thought I was quite cool when I was in school waiting for Jonah's results. In some other things though knowing did not mean that I had learnt a better attitude or response this third time round.

Fear - the common denominator?

I learnt from the past that many of my actions to get the boys to study was borne out of fear. I was anxious that this one exam would make or break their future. It was like that 35 years ago when I took this very same exam. My parents gave me dire warnings that if I didn't do well I would end up in schools (called 'Star Schools' then) that only took in non-performers who couldn't make it anywhere else. My results were certainly no where near that desperate but if it made me study harder ... It is still like that these days, if not worse. Parents complain about the unbearable burden and unrealistic expectations of the system on our children yet we push our children to keep up with, if not exceed, the rest of the herd for fear of losing out. Fear drove me to scold Jonah to get him to study. I had already seen from the first two times how too much scolding was counter-productive. It made them lose interest and self-motivation to study. It broke their confidence.Yet it was easy to convince myself that my actions were justified again this time round - if I didn't scold, would he study? And if he didn't study, what would become of him? 

When I took him through his lessons I started to see in Jonah's eyes  that look of apprehension when he didn't get the answers right and my voice started to rise in volume and pitch. He developed a nervous tic with his fingers. At times I would joke that I was expecting a "A*" from him for his science subject as proof that I could open a tuition centre as a second career. I said this jokingly but when I said it over and over again it must have just added to his stress although he didn't say anything about it.

This Old Dog can still learn New Tricks

While I had not fully learnt my own lessons this third time round, thankfully at least I had learnt enough from the first two rounds to make me pause. I didn't want Jonah to remember the PSLE as the "annus horribilis" - the horrible year when all he had was scolding after scolding. This should have been the year that he knew of my love and support; and more importantly, to personally experience God's love and support. All I had been doing was reminding him over and over again how he wasn't good enough and how he would damage his own future. I was transferring my own fears to him and making them his fears.

God's Love!

The story of Jacob from the Bible - Jonah's drawing on the left and mine is
on the right. This particular one on "how to sleep in peace".

So I decided to start reading the Bible with him. I wanted Jonah to hear God's voice and not mine in the run up to the exam. I was prompted by God to choose the story of Jacob in the Bible. Why else would I choose this character of the many from the Bible? I would have thought that this man, a shepherd who lived centuries ago had nothing in common with 12 year old, living in modern day Jonah. Jacob was not the most honest man - he cheated his brother of his birth right and his business dealings were suspect. He constantly lived in fear of those who would seek revenge. He was raised to believe that if he wanted to succeed in life he had to grasp at things with his own wit and cunning. He didn't fit our traditional idea of a man who deserved God's blessing. Yet God blessed Jacob because he clung to God. "Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord[f] will be my God." (Genesis 29: 20 - 21)". It seems we have a God who cannot deny us when we cling to Him.


If I had not ceased my own frenzied scolding, then all Jonah would have heard would have been my angry voice. When I stopped so that we could hear God, I was amazed how many times God said to Jonah, "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you". Each day Jonah and I drew what God impressed upon us from reading the day's reading and saved these drawings into a book.

This book is a precious collection of all the verses, pictures
that Jonah and I wrote down and drew in the months running up to the PSLE.
I told him "Grab this book and run out with it if the house ever catches fire!"

If I did anything right this time round, reading the Bible with Jonah was probably at the top of the list. Hearing God for himself and feeling it in his heart gave Jonah a peace that exceeded the effect of our human reassurance before and during the the exam. A friend said she was amazed when she saw photos on Facebook of Jonah playing with his younger brother on the eve of his exams. 

Everyone for himself?

When we place the outcome of our children's futures solely on their shoulders and theirs alone, we place an unbearable burden on them. Can we, even as adults, assure ourselves of secure futures based entirely on our own efforts, controlled by our own hands? The Bible teaches us that our future is secure only because it is in God's hands, not because of good PSLE Scores. Even if the child scores well, let us not forget what God says : "You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today." (Deuteronomy 8:17-18)." Salvation comes through the God of the universe, not finding a good tuition teacher.

True or False? 

Question: "Good PSLE grades = Happy Life; Bad PSLE grades = Sad Life".

Answer: "False".

One other thing that I have learnt from these exams - you might not get the scores you want but it's really not the end of the world. Neither of Jonah's older brothers scored exactly what they had hoped to score (or what we had hoped they would score); and we all experienced disappointment of sorts. In retrospect Marie (my wife) and I felt that the exam was a good gauge of our sons' abilities. Their scores helped to place them in schools that were a good fit for them. They have since found their footing in their respective schools - they have pursued their interests, developed their gifts, grown in character and increased in their leadership abilities. They are happy where they are. You really don't need to top the class lists to have a good secondary school experience.

Jonah wasn't in the top scorer list in his school. He didn't get that "A*" for his science subject that I had hoped for but he did well enough to get into the school of his choice; and that is good enough for me. As I said to him "God gave you good enough marks so that you can get into the school of your choice; and low enough to keep you humble." More importantly, he didn't just get a year of scoldings. What he got instead is a book collecting God's promises to love him and take care of him, which he personally experienced. This is a wonderful foundation and milestone for the rest of his life.

Redeemed

In this past year, the word "Redeemed" and its other forms - "Redemption", "Redemptive" appeared repeatedly in what I've heard and read . If I have a chance to speak to the powers that be in of our local education system (and who knows I may actually have a chance) I will tell them that I believe our system has gone off course. The PSLE is no longer a tool to assess but to judge; and with judgement came condemnation - "not good enough". Three words we fear and teach our children to fear at their tender young age. 

Our education system should be redemptive. It should not judge but assess accurately the abilities of our children with an end point of discovering how to harness their full potential. The technocrats call this "value adding schools". The Bible calls it "Redemption". 

Happy after the exams!

In Conclusion:

This conclusion took a long time to write because it just wouldn't come out right. I had wanted to write "The World judges but God doesn't judge"; and it struck me that it wouldn't come out right because I was writing only a half truth. The truth is this "The World judges and God also judges but ultimately it is only God's opinion that really matters".

We cringe at that statement because it is no longer in vogue these days to talk about God the Judge. We only want to hear about God who is love and grace. We think God can only either judge or love love but we find it hard to grasp that we have a God who is both Judge AND Love. 

Our God describes Himself as the "Shepherd who seeks out the lost sheep", the "Father who waits then runs eagerly to embrace the wayward returning son", the "Mother who comforts her repentant children". Our God's Love is all the more glorious and magnificent because He is also the Judge; not less. He judges but His heart of compassion is always reaching out to those of us who are "not good enough". If that was not so then why do we celebrate Christmas, why do we celebrate Jesus who came to earth to die on the cross? His coming, His works and His death on the cross is the ultimate declaration and solution both to God's Holy Judgement and Perfect Love. 

I listened in on a junior doctor telling a medical student in the hospital the other day that "no matter how good you are, somewhere along the way of your medical career you will fail a test or an exam. It's just the nature of things." So it seems if by your efforts in academia, your good Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) records, your list of leadership roles, your good school testimonies, when you finally get into Medical School (the dream of many parents for their children) the fear of being found "not good enough" still awaits you.

God did not come to help us succeed by the World's standards against all odds. He came so that we no longer need fear being judged by the World's standards. He came so that we succeed by His standards instead. In Jesus, we can always be found "good enough" for Him. As Jacob learnt, as I am learning; and as Jonah and His brothers are learning, it seems all we have to do is to cling to God and He will do the rest. Perfect peace at last. Amen.

Our Mortality - the end of it all, or is it?

Track Record and Voting

As I wrote on this topic of mortality, we have just gone through a nation wide election of our country's political leadership. During the campaigning period, the words "track record" was raised many times by the incumbent. Yet if you think about it, the best human track record only promises the possibility of continued good performance. Will those who are elected continue to do well in the future? Only time will tell. 

Perhaps the thoughts about my mortality and what I will leave behind started with the passing of the key founding father of our nation. In his lifetime, what he had built for the nation permeated and still permeates many aspects of the physical, mental, social, cultural; and maybe even the spiritual spheres of this little nation of ours.  It was hard not to feel emotional during the mourning period.

“I am often accused of interfering in the private lives of citizens. Yes, if I did not, had I not done that, we wouldn’t be here today. And I say without the slightest remorse, that we wouldn’t be here, we would not have made economic progress, if we had not intervened on very personal matters—who your neighbor is, how you live, the noise you make, how you spit, or what language you use. We decide what is right. Never mind what the people think.” – Lee Kuan Yew
Credit: Lonely Travelog (http://lonelytravelog.com/2015/03/23/in-memoriam-of-lee-kuan-yew/)

As "track record" got drummed into my consciousness repeatedly, it struck me that one person's track record was key to this topic of death and dying - that of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

"Boom ... and it all changed"

The other incident that got me thinking about mortality was the newspaper reports about a bomb that went off in the Bangkok City Centre a few months back. Locals and several tourists lost their lives. I wondered what it felt like for those caught in the bomb blast? Several years ago my car was rammed in the back when I was waiting to drive off at a road junction. One moment I was waiting for the road in front of me to clear - I'm not even sure I registered the bump - objects were suddenly flying in the air. Drops of liquid from my drink scattered in the air in slow motion like in the movies. I could see what was happening around me but my mind was unable to comprehend what had happened. Did it also feel like that for the unfortunate victims? Would their bodies have had time to register the blast? Would they have been thinking about dinner, shopping or the chores waiting for them at home one moment; and the next just nothingness? Or would they have been ushered into the presence of a greater reality? 

Jesus and Death

In the Bible, the book of John Chapter 11 gave an account of Jesus' response to the news of the death of a dear friend Lazarus. What stood out for me about the story was how His actions and words seemed bewildering to the people around Him at that time. His disciples couldn't make out by the way He spoke whether He meant that Lazarus was sleeping or dead. He waited 2 more days after receiving the news of his friend's critical illness before starting out to see him. Did He not remember that they walked, they didn't drive in those days? It was as if Jesus wanted to be very sure that Lazarus was truly dead and buried by the time He arrived (as was the case in the account). When he arrived, he was met by Lazarus' two sisters. To one he offered the promise that those who believed in Him would not die. To the other sister he seemed to commiserate with her grief and broke out in tears. Finally, He asked for the tomb to be opened to the utter disbelief of the crowd - the dead body would have been in such a state of decomposition that it would have emitted an overpowering odour. What took the cake was when Lazarus walked out of the tomb alive and well at Jesus' command. You could just see the jaws of the crowd drop to the ground.

I have come to learn that when a person's words are baffling it is usually because his world view is very different from mine. I hear the words he speaks but it means different things to each of us. Jesus did not see death as the end. The only possible explanation for Jesus' behaviour was that He spoke and acted as one who knew that life continued after physical death on earth. The behaviour and responses of the people to Jesus (as ours still do these days) betrayed an inner belief that death is final. There is nothing after that. As a bumper sticker said "Life is xxxx (expletive) ... and then we die".

Jesus comes to us, in a way like the aspiring politicians in the general election, asking us to believe in Him. But He was not just asking for us to believe in an academic analysis of death with Him as a powerless bystander. We are asked to believe in Him as the only one who had the power to free us from the clutches of death - "Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26). 

As for track records, Jesus had an impeccable one. Eventually Jesus was falsely accused and hung on the cross to die by the religious authorities at that time. The documentation of his death was quite convincing. Three days later as He had promised, He arose from the dead. In John 20, in an almost comical repeat of the earlier scene, one of the sisters came to the tomb to mourn Jesus' passing. She arrived only to find the stone covering the tomb moved and the tomb empty. Jesus appeared to her and asked "Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" (John 20:15). Puzzling questions, perhaps inappropriate even to those who saw death as the last act ... but not for Jesus who knew what the real deal was.

Daily Routines and what you leave behind

I do hope that my blog is not prone to morbid introspection or academic musing only. How do these reflections change the way I live?

Half way through the four score years ... my birthday this year

I have a nightly routine to shut down the house. I make sure the lights are turned off, the fridge doors are closed, the awning at the back is down and the main gate is closed. Some nights when I miss this routine, things go awry - the freezer door was left open one night; another time the awning was up and the downpour in the middle of the night messed up the laundry hung out to dry. In truth, I have added making ice to my nightly routine. Not the most significant thing perhaps but I was thinking that some day when I'm no longer around, the kids will say "Hey! There always used to be ice in the ice tray. Why is it always empty nowadays?"; and then perhaps they would think fondly of me for making ice for them.

IDMC Conference 2015

I didn't have a word for this desire until I attended the Intentional Discipleship Making Church (IDMC) Conference 2015 organised by the Covenant Evangelical Free Church. The word for this is "Legacy" - what do we want to leave behind when we have gone off to life in another plane? Without going into too much philosophizing or preaching, for myself, I hope that knowing that it's not about squeezing everything you can out of this the four score or so years of our lives in our physical body will make me less grasping and more giving in this life. I hope I can be less threatened by people's actions and more rested in a God who takes care of me for here and for eternity.

My good wife Marie reminded me as my third son (Jonah) comes up for his PSLE Exam this year that I had promised in my earlier blogs to share what I would learn this third round. Here is a brief preview - I decided that Jonah's memories of this exam should not only be about me scolding him incessantly about his work. I have started reading the Bible with him most nights. We have been reading about Jacob in the book of Genesis and I was surprised how God can use a shepherd's life thousands of years ago to speak to the issues a twelve year old boy faces with his brothers, his friends, his chores, his fears of the exam. Through it all, God kept saying to Him "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you." (and I guess to me too). It was a triumph for me when after one such reading Jonah himself picked out God's message for him in the passage - "God is saying He loves me and takes care of me!".

Leaving a bit of Eternity Behind

At the moment, I am reading a Sci-Fi book called "Speaker For the Dead" by Orson Scott Card (I'm not morbid, it's just co-incidental). In it he writes of himself "A writer's life is boring indeed. I write stories about people who take risks, who reach out and change the world, But when it comes to my life, it mostly consists of hanging around at home, writing when I have to, playing computer games or watching TV whenever I can get away with it. My real life is being with my wife, with my children; going to church and teaching my Sunday school class; keeping in touch with my family and friends; and, the primary duty of every father, turning off lights throughout the house and muttering about how I'm the only one who seems to care about turning them off because I'm the one who has to change the lousy light bulbs." 

The lantern I made that
won second prize in school.
Would he remember?

His life sounds just like mine! I think those of us who get to live such lives should be thankful for such quiet blessings. One of my best friends felt called by God to run for political office in this past election. He knew that it would have an impact on his personal and family life. I admire and respect him all the more for his choices. He didn't have to do it but he did because he felt it was the right thing to do.

The premise of Mr. Card's book is that at the end of one's life, someone should tell our entire life story - not just the good parts; and not even the average between the good and bad parts but even the bad parts as well. So when my time comes, perhaps my children will remember that "he was grumpy often, not very playful, liked to nap a lot, doled out pocket money regularly, made ice frequently ... and read the Bible with me." 

I believe legacy can be found in our daily mundane living ... and if that is not enough then it helps to know that life here is not the end but the beginning of an adventure that will stretch into all eternity with the One who loved us enough to die for us on the cross. 

From Sergeant Dad to Friend

'Army Camp' Home

Four Precious Young Men

Whenever people find out that Marie and I have 4 boys at home, the usual refrain is "How do you ever manage at home?". My answer is frequently "Like an army camp!". I will invariably get this look that expressed what they were not saying - "you're joking right?". OK, I'm joking, well ... maybe only half joking.

It Gets Crazy!'

It does get crazy at home making 6 different peoples' schedules work. Even the 3 year old has play school now and Friday is "Gu Ma" day (he spends the day with my sister after school). The others have school, supplementary lessons, tuition, school activities, piano lessons, church activities, hanging out with friends; and of course Marie and I have our own lives to live. Sometimes I picture in my mind a vortex spinning furiously and spitting us out in all sorts of random direction.

Last year, Caleb was invited to his friend's for a Bar-B-Q. For weeks he was excitedly telling us about it every opportunity he had. Confession time kids - yes, we try our best to listen to you but there are four of you. Sometimes when you tell us the same thing over and over again, it just becomes a background hum. So the day of the party came and with a chirpy 'Bye!' Caleb was out of the door. At 7 pm as Marie and I were sat down to dinner, we looked at each other with a rising feeling of panic, "Do you know where Caleb is? What time was he supposed to be back? Do we have his friends' number? Do we even have the friend's name?". Unfortunately the answer to every one of these questions were either "Don't know" or "No". Alarmed, we called his mobile phone. Why is it that kids' mobile phones only seem to ring when their friends call but not their parents? There was no answer from him.

'Rules, Regulations & SOPs'

Of course Caleb eventually came home happy and safe, much to our relief. I told Marie that in future when the kids wanted to go to a friend's home, they needed to fill up an approval form for us to sign off. No, we didn't really implement that but Marie and I have learnt that routines, processes (SOPs as the military calls them) and scheduled activities go a long way to minimise the chaos in a big household. Last year I introduced Marie to scheduling for the boys for their at home activities as well. The boys have chores at home and we expect them to perform them well. Woe to the one whose chores needed to be redone. One of the skills the boys have gained in our household was how to fly below the radar so that they don't get caught to sign "extra" (i.e. extra duties) as the military calls it. Over the years, to get things moving or simply to cut through the chaos, I have had to play the role of an army sergeant barking out orders. Of course the boys didn't always like it. I began to suspect that I liked being the Sergeant Dad more than I should. It started to bug me - sure it got the job done but were these my boys or my soldiers?

Our children are one sure sign of the passage of time - "Where did our babies go?" Even Samuel was three and very insistent that "I am a big boy, not a baby". Joshua, our eldest, was spending more time with his own activities and friends than with the family. This was not an unhappy rebellion but a healthy desire to gain independence and to develop his own identity in his teenage years - something that we encouraged. It was hard to let him go, especially for Marie. It struck us that with the little time that we were spending with him, we would rather be his friend than his military commander. When we reviewed what we said to the kids the whole day long it sometimes seemed like just a long string of instructions and rebuke.

Becoming Friends

Becoming friends with our children took both planned intention and unplanned opportunities. Marie suggested that for the first Sunday of every month we sat down for a family pow-wow before going out for a nice dinner. We've had the first one and it went well. At that meeting I admitted that over the years I had used anger as a tool to get things moving more often than necessary. I promised that in future I would try to use other emotions (humour is a much better alternative). It's by God's grace that now two weeks later I have still been able to keep my promise. We talked about many things that day. The kids were curious about what Marie and I did in situations they were facing from our own childhood. Telling them our life stories was a good way to teach them life lessons.

Magical Moments

The other night I was watching TV with Jonah. It was a home improvement show where the couple were choosing a property to purchase. It was a magical moment for me when instead of saying "Aren't you supposed to be studying?", Jonah and I debated which was the more likely property. We high-fived each other when we got it right. Precious opportunities come unplanned and I have to be ready to capitalise on them.

I have also decided that being friends meant that I could be more generous with the kids. Nothing expensive or fancy but an occasional and unexpected gift was great fun for them and me. Jonah has this eccentric sort of humour and loves kooky stuff. When I saw these pair of rabbit-ear headphones in the shops the other day it had his name written all over it. He was thrilled by them. I was surprised at how delightful it's been these past few days watching a pair of rabbit ears bobbing about in the house like some crazy Alice-in-Wonderland tea party.

Caleb with his middle child traits needs us especially to be his friend to gain confidence to be who he is. We've noticed that unlike Joshua who's launched himself off confidently into the world, we need to journey some more with Caleb before he found his own place in the world. I have declared this year to be "Caleb's Year of Discovery". We will try out different things in life together - go for a play, explore an historical site, eat a meal reviewed by a magazine food critic, pick up a new sport, anything he wants to do to discover his own interest.

Recently, I decided it was a good time to jog one sunny afternoon but it turned out to be too hot. I ended up not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. As I sat cooling down and drenched in sweat, Samuel came along: ,"Stand up Pa Pa! Play ball with me!". He had no problems issuing commands. This was the 3 year old who had seen every military commander technique used on his brothers. It took more than one command to get me moving but I'm glad I did! We had lots of fun that afternoon kicking the ball to-and-fro that afternoon in the little strip of grass we had by the side of the house.

"Good kick Samuel"
"Thank you"
"Good kick, Pa Pa"
"Thank you"

Some people cannot understand why anyone would ever want to have four kids. I am learning that when these kids grow up to be my friends as well God is blessing me more abundantly than I could ever imagine.

So much fun :D

God Hears Our Cries

Birthday Breakfast

                 Happy Breakfast Birthday!               

It was one of my sons' birthday and Marie had planned a zoo trip because it was also a school holiday. Not knowing about the school holiday until too late, I didn't manage to take leave from work. I was feeling somewhat guilty about it and managed to shift things around my calendar so that we could have a birthday breakfast celebration together.

The breakfast was going fine until the end when we looked up and noticed that the sky had turned dark. Even before I finished saying, "Don't know if it will ...", it started to thunder and rain. For this particular son of mine, birthdays were the paramount social event of the year. His expectation for this to be the perfect day had soared to a crescendo when it was brought crashing down into a bottomless pit; and he began to cry.

Crying Children

The rain that derailed the Zoo plans

Now I hope you will not judge Marie and I harshly. As parents of four boys, we have very little patience for children who fuss or cry. What is worse than having one child cry is having two children cry at the same time (not to mention three) - and they don't always cry about the same things. While dealing with the crying ones, the others who are not crying still need to be tended to. We very quickly move into the "zip it" or face the consequences mode. I think for me at least, my patience with their crying got less as they grew up. So in this instance, statements like "You're a teenager now ...", "You need to learn that there will be disappointments in life ..." and so forth came out from our mouths very quickly. Unfortunately the clouds were also not helping that day - they just got darker and darker, like the mood at the table.

How God Would Respond to Crying?

After the incident I reflected upon my response to my son's crying. Did it mirror how I thought God would respond to me whenever I came to Him with life's disappointments and regrets? Would He tell me to "zip it" or that "Life is tough and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger?". 

In response, God brought me back to the story of Hannah in the Bible (in 1 Samuel Chapter 1 - 2). Here was a woman who, at the start of the story, was unremarkable. She was one of two wives of a man. She was stuck in an unenviable situation of having no children while her counterpart had a brood. Therefore she had to endure constant taunts at home. Even though her husband loved her tenderly, it could not fill the deep emptiness her barrenness had left in her heart. 

Every year, the family when to Jerusalem for the annual rituals. In one of those years when her torment had been particularly difficult, as the Bible recorded, " In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." The priest in the temple thought she was drunk as he watched her pray (why are we always so judgemental of people who express their grief in public?). As Hannah explained to him: “Not so, my lord, I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” (1 Samuel 1: 15 - 16)

Sometimes Blue Skies are just round the corner

To cut to the chase, God heard Hannah's desperate cry to Him. Shortly after, she conceived and bore a son who would have a significant role in Israel's history; and thereafter she bore more children. No wonder in 1 Samuel 2: 1-2, Hannah sang a song of praise to God:

“The Lord has filled my heart with joy;

    how happy I am because of what he has done!

I laugh at my enemies;

    how joyful I am because God has helped me!

“No one is holy like the Lord;

    there is none like him,

    no protector like our God."

Never too small for God

For all intents and purposes, Hannah was not considered to have been of any significance in her society during the culture of her time; and her prayers to have a child to shed her shame was not exactly world changing. It would have been fair to wonder why God should even listen to her much less answer her prayer? But He did. I think the point is this - whether it is the deep desires of a woman for a child or the wish of a birthday teen to have a zoo outing, God hears us. Sometimes we are wrongly led to believe that either we are of no significance or our prayers are overly parochial and self-centred for God to hear us. 

I do not want to make God out to be just a Santa Claus up there in the sky who is there to make our every wish come true. I believe neither are we spoilt kids who throw tantrums when we don't get exactly what we want. Growing up my parents would say whenever I was in the toy shop "You can see but you cannot ask to buy." Not every desire is wrong and we often bury these deep because we've been taught from young it's wrong to want. What we really long for is that someone, no less the God of the universe, to hear us and acknowledge our deepest cries, our keenest needs as valid and worthy. Knowing that we have been heard is what we really want. We can also trust that after hearing He will take the best course of action on our behalf. As the Christian author Josh McDowell said "He who knows you best, loves you most".

Happily ...

As a happy ending, while the skies didn't clear quick enough for my son to have his birthday zoo trip, they spent a terrific few hours at a shopping mall and capped off the day with a ride in a cable car when the sun and blue skies returned several hours later. He didn't get exactly what he wanted but he agreed that in the end it was a terrific day after all.

As I learnt, God always hears us when we cry and has compassion on us. I pray that He will also give me that compassion the next time my children cry in front of me.

Happy Ending to a wonderful Birthday Outing!

All Bible Verses NIV unless otherwise stated and viewed from BibleGateway.com

Marie and Me - How it started ( a look back 15 years later)

Keeping a Promise
I promised last year that I would write about how Marie and I fell in love; and I'm late because it's already this year and I've not written it yet. As they say, better late than never - so here is the story ... or what I can remember of it anyway. Marie's always been the one who has the memory for the details. (Marie: That's because I kept a journal and recorded EVERY detail.  Yes, I'm a scary wife!)

We celebrated Valentine's Day at Lawry's this year as a 15-year-married couple. As we sat at the table enjoying the excellent food, we had a heartfelt conversation about what we had learnt in our years together. I was amazed, as I constantly am, that we have come this far and are still enjoying each other's company because it didn't always and still doesn't always feel like that.

Celebrating 15 Years!

If I can make one statement about what I have learnt it's this - "A great marriage starts with attraction but it's hard work that builds it for the years."

How it all Began
The first time I knew of Marie's existence was at a church meeting. Honestly, it was not love at first sight. Maybe God knew we were both not ready. Christian names weren't all that popular then and there I was this Chinese school boy thinking what's this girl doing without a Chinese name? And that was that ...
The second time we met was when the attraction began. We were on a church mission trip with a group of people and my eye kept being drawn to a little brown purse that Marie clutched in her hand. Out of this purse came intriguing things like tissue paper, money etc. There seemed to be no end to the things that could come out of it (Marie would tell me much later that the purse was an Esprit purse and it was black not brown, which just goes to show you how poor my memory is for such things). By the time Marie knew of my attraction to it, she had already thrown the purse away so I've never actually held that purse in my hand. Marie tells me what caught her eye of me was this guy who went around offering people biscuits and cookies out of a plastic box (I was trained in the military to always have food on hand - you never knew when you would need a snack!); and not just normal cookies but coloured wafers. "Now who in the world would do that?", she thought. (Marie: Those were garishly coloured Arnott's wafers.  I didn't take one but I did accept a chocolate he offered the next day. Chi Hong: Just to show how much Marie loves me - she bought me 4 boxes of these wafers when she was in Australia last year).

These started it off ...

After the trip we followed up with an 'outing' to watch a play and  I swear to this day that I didn't know it was Valentine's Day; and that it was incidental that I gave her a hand-made heart-shaped woven basket (I bought the kit and I didn't know the basket would turn out heart-shaped!) (Marie said to clarify that this was not our first date. Our first date was dinner at Prego).

I would have liked to have written ... and that was that - the rest is history; but that was not to be. As Marie has complained to me over the years - I certainly took my time to decide. (Marie: It was a whole year from going on the first date to going steady!) This is where it gets a bit fuzzy for me but she can remember every detail like it happened yesterday - how she made Tiramisu for me TWICE (Marie: TWICE!!) and I seemed unmoved, how her friend told her I was interested in some other girl, how I stood her up when we were supposed to meet up after a big church thing .... but each time she was ready to give up on me somehow I did something to pull her back again.

There was certainly Attraction
Marie was definitely attractive. She was intelligent and we could carry on long conversations on many different topics. We had common interests - books, movies, food. We didn't have the same taste in music (Jazz & Rock Soul / Motown vs Country *Marie says I got it wrong - not rock. Edited post publish) but we both agreed on James Taylor. We both believed in being committed to God. I remember this happened shortly after we had gone steady (it's out of sync with the flow here but it illustrates my point). We were all dressed up at a wedding dinner and I was returning to the table after a toilet break. Marie caught my eye and I thought 'Who's that pretty lady at my table?" With a start, I realised, this was my girlfriend and at that instant I was filled with this really warm, nice feeling. 

'Well you can't have a dream , 
And cut it to fit 
But when I saw you, I knew 
We go together, like a wink and a smile'  
From the song - A Wink and a Smile, sung by Harry Connick, Jr in the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle'

Those dating days ...

In my own defence as to why I took so long to decide - I knew we were not getting any younger and that if I committed myself to the relationship, I wanted it to work. To be committed, I needed to feel intuitively that the relationship was right, that somehow it fit, that we could go the distance. A large part of this was waiting for God to confirm it for me - and I've said this to Marie many times and I say it again here - it was God who took HIS time, not me. (Marie:?????)

There was no thunderclap the day I felt sure. I remembered going to Marie's place and was lying on her couch and it just felt like home - not really the place per se but I knew that Marie was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of every day; and this time, that was that - I was sure from that time onward and the rest was history.

Things progressed well enough after that. My parents were only little too eager to get their first daughter-in-law. When I announced to them that I was going steady with Marie after thinking about it for a while, my Dad said, "What's there to think about? If it's right, it's right."  I conspired with Marie's mom to steal one of her rings from her dresser so that I could buy her an engagement ring but of course nothing escaped Marie's eagle eyes so she was already waiting eagerly by the time I presented it to her on bended knees at a lake in Tasmania (what's the name of that lake dear?) (Marie: That was another half year wait...and it was Dove lake, my dear husband!)

The wedding and honeymoon were great. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Don't get me wrong - Marie and I, we enjoy the romantic part of a love relationship as much as the other person. We did (and still do) all the romantic stuff - movies, the dinners out, flowers, presents, concerts (James Taylor live in Singapore!). I still take peeks at Martha Stewart Wedding Magazines at the bookshop and we both harbour a secret wish that our children will one day organise another wedding for us to renew our vows (though with 4 boys ....). But over the years when we've quarreled, we've never stopped because we remembered how lovely our wedding was. We've come to the conclusion that (as we say in science) the relationship between a lavish wedding and a happy marriage is not statistically significant.

Committed to Loving for Life
After all, honestly, how difficult is it to look good, to be nice and considerate for the 3 or 4 hours when you're together on a date? And the wedding is really the epitome of a great date. When the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off and when the honeymoon is over, Marie discovered that the guy lying next to her snored so loudly that she couldn't sleep; and then the kids come and we fought over who's turn it was to stay up -  that's when the love lessons really began. (Marie: I wore ear plugs the first couple of years until I managed to train Chi Hong to sleep on his side.  Occasionally, I still have to contend with those snores then I jab him in the side and he turns over.  Love Lesson # 1:  Train your husband not to snore. Chi Hong: I thought my snore lull you to sleep these days ...) 

For better or for worse ...

I will be the first to admit that I love Hollywood romantic comedies - "When Harry Met Sally" (Marie and my favourite movie), "Sleepless in Seattle", "You've Got Mail", "Notting Hill" ... I could never understand in the past why so many of these actors and actresses could act out these love stories but then have such horrible personal lives.  Maybe for them too when the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off ... they forget that real life was not so pretty after all.

What was that wedding vow? "...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;  from this day forward  until death do us part". It is now 15 years later that I am beginning to understand the significance of these words ... The vow is to learn love and make it real through the ups and downs of  a life together. It's ironic how we often think the beautiful marriages are the airbrushed, jet setting ones rather than the ones with the messiness of life, kids, happiness and even tragedies.

Before marriage I thought - I was a good guy, I knew how to be nice, I knew how to buy flowers, I did all the romantic stuff like in the movies. It was after marriage that I realised what a selfish, horrible person I could be. There was so much I needed to learn about loving and living with this woman whom I have committed to for the rest of our lives together.

Building a Marriage with God
It is a great challenge to love in this way. I don't trust myself to succeed without help. But we know that when we trust God and follow His way - there is hope; and not just wishful hoping but hope that is real because it is grounded in Him. Psalms 127 : 1-2 reminds us that our own work is futile unless God is working with us. In marriage, the human relationship that God treasures because it reflects the relationship He wants with us, there is every hope that we will be blessed when we build it in His Way and with His Help.

Unless the Lord builds a house,

    the work of the builders is wasted.

Unless the Lord protects a city,

    guarding it with sentries will do no good.

It is useless for you to work so hard

    from early morning until late at night,

anxiously working for food to eat;

    for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Psalms 127: 1-2

The rest of this story - akan datang (or coming soon).

"When Harry Met Sally"