Nobody told us about this ...
Of all the advice Marie and I received before we got married, nobody told us we would have to argue. Okay, we didn't HAVE to but we did; and the truth is we argued quite a bit. Now 15 years down the road we know that the arguments, however unpleasant, were an integral part of the process that made our marriage strong. Getting married without such awareness and possessing the normal person's general distaste for arguments, there were many times we wondered if there was anything seriously wrong with us.
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| Why do love birds quarrel? |
(Marie: Yes, what did we argue about?
Expectations: We both had (perhaps still have) high expectations of each other and we wanted each other to meet them right away! Expectations like knowing what to do in a crisis, when to help out, what to say when the other is feeling elated/downcast/angry/irritated, what to receive as a birthday present, what to do on a holiday, what to do on a weekend afternoon, what to do when the baby is crying... The thing about expectations is that we have a desired response in our minds but we do not articulate it and hope the other party will read our minds and deliver. Of course, that's a landmine waiting to explode every time!
Finances: We kept quiet about finances for a long time. Perhaps we believed that it was not polite to comment on each other's financial choices. Perhaps it was because I still had some money stashed away in my own private account. But to converge with each other as marriage draws a couple in, we could not remain silent about our differences in spending and saving. In our case, when we made the choice to have one income, we ultimately had to talk and often confront each other about money. We pulled several late-nighters over money. I recall a major one over buying a new TV - did we have to wait until our trusty 25" CRT Sony TV finally died before we could get a slimline wide-screen TV? This argument was emblematic of our money differences. Chi Hong is frugal and carefully considers how he spends his money. I love to shop and have often made impulse buys only to regret later.)
Parallel Lives
One night we were both woken up by Joshua's crying in the middle of the night. As a baby, Joshua probably cried the most of the 4 boys - the fault of his first time, overly attentive parents. Marie went to attend to him. It took a while to settle him so by the time she returned to our room I had fallen asleep. She was furious and said that if I didn't help her at least I could have waited up for her. That ended in a late night argument (one of the worst types). On my part I felt aggrieved. I had had a hard day at work and was looking to another one in 6 hours' time. I felt she didn't appreciate my efforts to provide for the family. She in turn felt that I was overly committed to my work and that she bore the burdens of raising our burgeoning family alone.
We came up with this term "parallel lives". We felt like two people living together in the same home but not able to connect. It didn't feel good. In fact it felt very isolating to know that my life partner and I could not find convergence. We asked our friends if they had experienced the same thing but they said 'no'. We wondered what we were doing wrong. In retrospect, this feeling was no more than two people pulling in towards each and finding that to live together as a married couple, there was much more we had to learn about each other. The root cause of our arguments was really one person standing there asking the other, "Do you hear me, do you understand me, do you know my inner most wants and needs? Do you acknowledge it and will you be willing to do something about it (not necessarily solve it)?" and finding the other person not understanding, not perceiving the need; and sometimes even disparaging it.
Quality and "Quantity" Time
All we really needed was time. There was no other way. We should have shown each other grace and given each other the time and space but we were angry and impatient with each other instead. To have time meant we had to stick to our marriage. Perhaps the best piece of advice we got before marriage was - "If you don't want to divorce, don't entertain it as an option". I remember going to work one day after another argument and thinking "Why is this so hard?" but thank God I stuck to it.
The good news is that marriage is never static when you're working hard at it. It started getting easier when we got into our third and fourth year of marriage (Marie thought it was much later - she's always had a better memory for the details). We started to understand each other; and we learnt how to argue. The most important thing we understood about each other was that we were both trying our best. As Marie said, the irony was that we were working ourselves to the bone and yet not recognising each other's effort. Many times we suppressed our own needs till we could stand it no longer. Then we would explode in angry screams for attention. Understanding and trusting that Marie was trying her best at all times was an epiphany for me. I realised that when I thought she didn't care it was because I did not understand her words or actions; not because she couldn't be bothered. We also learnt that the issue that caused the argument was the common enemy, not each other. Therefore we argued to defeat the enemy, not each other.
Discovering the Treasure
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| Our famous dinner dates |
The other day we were at this restaurant "Xi Yan" celebrating our anniversary. The manager offered us a reward if we could guess the five ingredients in their "Tang Yuen"(glutinous balls). I rolled my eyes and popped them into my mouth straight away but Marie rose to the challenge as she would when it came to any culinary matters. She managed to guess four out of the five ingredients. My wife amuses and intrigues me in so many small and big ways every day. I have learnt to observe her because it is a great prize to know her intimately. A friend noted that whenever we're in the same space we are constantly talking to each other, updating each other on the latest bits of information. Why not when there is no end of things we could talk ( nowadays I even have to fight with the boys for time to speak to Marie)?
Time apart was also opportunity to discover things about each other. Marie and I enjoy holidays differently. She likes to explore cities and their histories. I like doing nothing, absolutely nothing, lying by the beach, napping in the hotel room. We realised we didn't always have to spend holidays together and get on each other's nerves. We've spent several holidays apart and have come back with more things to talk about. It's not conventional and some people can't believe we do that but it works for us. That's what matters.
A Sign of Life
To me, sometimes it is a good sign when people argue because it shows that they are emotionally invested. In our early years of marriage, we could have just given up, rolled to our own sides of the bed and gone to sleep. We would have argued less but what would that have gotten us? Probably nothing but a slow death of our marriage. Our inner most thoughts that should have been articulated would have been buried deeper and deeper beneath an external veneer of "we are ok". That is probably how many marriages turned cold and die over the years.
The Last Laugh
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| 15 years later and wiser (we hope) |
"I have loved her even when I hated her ... only married couples will understand that one" (Cal Weaver in Crazy, Stupid, Love)
Cupid - Daniel Powter
but every now and then I'll start to slip away
I gotta' hear you say
Take me out spin me around
We can laugh when we both fall down
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
When I sing out of key
Still play air guitar for me
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
Don't it feel all kind of right
