School Results (PSLE No. 2) - What I'm learning about school grades

Caleb and me - Post-PSLE

Good Grades or Good God? 

My friend Hwee Ting told me that she is still reading and recommending my blog to friends whose children are waiting for the PSLE exam results (School Results (PSLE) - What I'm learning about school grades). In that blog written two years ago when my first son completed his PSLE exams, I argued that it is not good grades but a good God who is the assurance for our futures.

Now two years later as I once again trooped down to school with second son Caleb (two down, two more to go) to receive his PSLE exam results, I felt that it was as much a day of reckoning for me as it was for him. Did I still believe and would I still be able to say with conviction "God gives us exactly what we need" regardless of what Caleb scored?

For the nation at large, the pressure of this exam had not abated; if anything it had escalated. This year when the government ran a series of focus groups regarding social issues, the parents' complaint of the excessive pressure of exams rang loud and clear. My wife Marie participated in one of the feedback sessions and asked for a 'kinder PSLE' (In Conversation with Stakeholders on Education). The government promised to tweak the exams gradually but took immediate actions to request that the media limit the traditional annual announcement of top students and their scores. This created an unnecessary frenzy every year that lasted several days and added on to the determination (or 'craziness'?) of parents to ensure that their children will appear smiling in the papers the following year (post note: the peace from a quieter media this year certainly cut out much unnecessary noise and tension).

Media aside, we still could not escape from the comparisons in schools, among friends' and colleagues' children. When we got to school, Marie and I sat in the auditorium listening to the names of the top boys in school being read out. The boys whose names were read leaped out of their seats with glee and punched the air. Caleb was not one of them. I wondered how he felt.

Good Genes?

At that point, what was going through my mind was my brother, Kuang. When we were kids, he also watched as I constantly brought back good results from school. I've never really thought much about what it felt like for him then. Recently, he wrote on his Facebook page that I had inherited all the smart genes of the family. What that statement implied, and what we generally believe, is that success is about the luck of draw. Good life or bad is just a random occurrence what cards you were dealt in life ...

These days my brother lives in the U.S. by the sea. He says the weather is balmy and he surfs all year round. He is married without kids but the children in the neighbourhood regularly wander into his house uninhibited. His life may sound like one of those Beach Boys or Jack Johnson songs but he is not a beach bum who has no direction in life.

He renovates dilapidated houses to bring renewal and jobs to communities. I wrote to him recently that I had seen on TV one of those house renovating reality shows where the contractor had completely refurbished a house for a mother-daughter pair who had met with several tragedies in their lives. The tears of joy when they saw their renovated house was priceless. This was meaningful and fulfilling work that he was doing.

So genes are like grades - regardless what genes we get, I believe God gives us exactly what we need. With my so called 'smart' genes I had found a happy place with a 9-to-5 job, one wife, four kids, picket fence life. My brother's more gung-ho, 'just give it a try' genes had led him down a more unorthodox path to a life that one would hardly call shabby. I hope Kuang doesn't begrudge me my life because I certainly don't begrudge him his. We have each made the best use of whatever genes, talents or 'smarts' God has given to us. I don't think it is what we're given but what we make of it that matters.

Markers for Greatness?

So as with the last time after the announcement of the boys with top scores, the parents waited outside the classrooms as the rest of the boys got their results. We all strained forward at the classroom window hoping to get a hint of our sons' results. One mother went as far as to stand holding the classroom door open to hear and see everything until the teacher asked her to close the door. It seems our behaviour still betray us. We jokingly say that it is not just the child but the parents who also take the exams. We spend loads of money sending our children for extra lessons and personally tutor them ourselves. The marks of their exams are so important to us because we think that these are markers for future success.

What we are invariably thinking about when we think future success is career success. Isn't this too narrow a definition of success? What about relationship success? Or moral / ethical success? Do we not hear enough nowadays about high flyers whose marriages failed? Have we not read in the newspapers about high ranking officials charged with illegal business practices?

More importantly as Christian parents, do we look out for and develop markers in our children that measure the likelihood that they will grow up to be men and women of God who choose to please Him rather than themselves? Do we pay as much attention to their church lives as we do their school lives?

God Sees and Chooses Differently

God sees and chooses the men and women of significance in the Bible differently. Many of these people probably wouldn't figure much in our education systems. As a shepherd boy, King David wasn't even offered up by his father as a potential candidate for the king position. Surly his taller and more handsome brother would be the more ideal candidate. God said 'No!', “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Moses had little confidence in himself when God asked him to speak to the Pharaoh of Egypt to demand for the release of the Israelite slaves. He described himself as "slow of speech and tongue" and pleaded repeatedly for God to send someone else. But God must have seen something in this man. Did it matter to God that he didn't have gift of the gab? Not at all because God gives us exactly what we need to do His work - “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11 - 12

My favourite Old Testament example for the modern career man is Daniel. Daniel was taken as an exile into the foreign Kingdom of Babylon. Talk about a hostile business environment - different culture, foreign language, unfamiliar practises and big power differential. Yet it was in this environment that God wanted His people to declare His greatness. To do this "...God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds." Daniel 1: 17. 

God gave Daniel talent, every success and high ranking positions in the Babylonian Kingdom because He saw that first and foremost Daniel was committed to using those gifts and successes to serve God, not his own career aspirations. God made Daniel indispensable to his boss - when he (due to a legal technicality) was thrown into the lions' den (now what is a modern day equivalent of that?), his boss (the King) rushed out to the den the next day shouting in an anguished voice :“Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?” (Daniel 6:19). If your boss behaved in the same way when you were in danger, what would that say of you? This is true success both in the eyes of God and man.

Joshua's experience

I think about my first son Joshua whose PSLE results I wrote about in my first blog. His results had been good enough to get him into his school of choice but not the IB program that he wanted. Of course he was initially disappointed but in the end Marie and I felt it worked out even better for Joshua. Not being in the program he wanted allowed him the room to explore secondary school life rather than have it defined by a structured program. In the two years since, he has made new friends in school and church. He has found his place in Boys Brigade and is growing to be a young leader there and in church. This year, he decided that he still wanted to be in the IB program and took it upon himself to apply for it. I am happy to announce that he has been accepted into the IB program for the coming year. We are praying that His academic success will grow in tandem with His love for God.

What about Caleb?

The family when a reporter came to interview Marie

But I digress. We should be talking about Caleb's PSLE results. So what happened? When Caleb got his results in the classroom, he smiled and waved to us. In my simplistic father's thinking, I thought "Great! He's happy, I'm happy, no negative emotions.". Fortunately mother's are more in tune with their children's emotions. Marie didn't look so sure. She was proven right when Caleb came out of the classroom and burst into tears. I was stunned - wasn't he just smiling a minute ago?

If you asked me why he was weeping, honestly, I'm still somewhat bewildered. I suppose the whole gamut of unmet expectations, not being able to go to the same school as his friends or his elder brother, fear of our disapproval, anxiety for the future. Of course Marie jumped right into action to comfort him with words and hugs. I tried my best to tell him that he did well, that we were not unhappy with his results; and eventually he did come round to be happy with what he got.

'Please, let us not agonise, God!'

While we were waiting for Caleb's results, we prayed that God would give him results that left no ambiguity as to which secondary school he should choose. We didn't want to agonise about which school to send him to or to have to agonise if we should appeal to the school if he just missed the mark. At this point in our lives, we were having many other things to deal with - house renovation and move, work, other children, church, studies - and we didn't have the resources to deal with another issue. In the end, three 'A's and one 'C' would not appear on any school's top list but would clearly get Caleb into one of the schools that we wanted for him - a school that is committed to building up boys to be men of God.

I confess though that it was difficult not to feel envious when I went back to work and church after the results were out to hear the perfect scores of my colleagues' and friends' children. I couldn't help wondering if Caleb could have scored better. I started to doubt if the results he got was really what he should have gotten. But the funny thing was this - I also heard of parents who agonised over which top schools to send their children to. There was unhappiness that even though the child had very good scores, they still did not qualify for the school of their choice. We had asked and God had given - complete freedom from having to agonise over school choices for Caleb.

Caleb's Better Markers

I don't deny it - which parent wouldn't want their child to get four 'A*'s? Which parent wouldn't want their child's face to be on the front page of the newspapers? I am not immune to that. As I reflected on these feelings I fear this would eventually lead to full blown greed in me if I were not careful. Why did I want top scores for Caleb when he didn't need them if not because of greed and pride? More importantly, these feelings unchecked would blind me to the wonderful young man that Caleb is and is growing up to be - his most tender heart for people, his willingness to help others, his fondness for small children... I hope I will learn to cherish these markers in his life more than the marks he scored; and learn to cultivate them.

In Conclusion

So I am happy that I can still say with conviction that "God always gives us exactly what we need". The story is still continuing. Ahead of my family and myself is an exciting adventure - one that I am confident will prove that God is always faithful.

I look forward to the time two years later when I return to the school for my third son's PSLE results. What will I learn about my son, myself and God then I wonder? I will give you an update then.