Receiving PSLE Results - A Third Time (Reflections and Thoughts)

It's That Time of the Year Again

In 2011, 2013, and this year in 2015, I've had a son return to his school to collect results for that all important exam we call the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination). The results determine the chance of the child to get into the school and programme of his (or maybe his parents?) choice.
I have written about my experience with the PSLE for my two older boys in these two blogs:
PSLE Blog 1 and PSLE Blog 2; and as promised I am now writing about my experience a third time round.

Been There, Done That? Or Not?

My PSLE Journey with Jonah

This being the third time, I knew what to expect when we went to the school to collect Jonah's results:
1. All start in the auditorium for the announcement of the top scorers in the school - check
2. Parents to wait outside the classrooms for each boy to receive his results from his teacher - check
3. Jonah gets his results, no crying, confirm he is ok - check
4. Praise and congratulate him - check
5. Time for celebratory lunch - check

It would have been easy for me to take things for granted this third time round thinking that I already know exactly what to expect; and I would have done my son and myself a big disservice. Certainly knowing what was ahead did make some things easier. I thought I was quite cool when I was in school waiting for Jonah's results. In some other things though knowing did not mean that I had learnt a better attitude or response this third time round.

Fear - the common denominator?

I learnt from the past that many of my actions to get the boys to study was borne out of fear. I was anxious that this one exam would make or break their future. It was like that 35 years ago when I took this very same exam. My parents gave me dire warnings that if I didn't do well I would end up in schools (called 'Star Schools' then) that only took in non-performers who couldn't make it anywhere else. My results were certainly no where near that desperate but if it made me study harder ... It is still like that these days, if not worse. Parents complain about the unbearable burden and unrealistic expectations of the system on our children yet we push our children to keep up with, if not exceed, the rest of the herd for fear of losing out. Fear drove me to scold Jonah to get him to study. I had already seen from the first two times how too much scolding was counter-productive. It made them lose interest and self-motivation to study. It broke their confidence.Yet it was easy to convince myself that my actions were justified again this time round - if I didn't scold, would he study? And if he didn't study, what would become of him? 

When I took him through his lessons I started to see in Jonah's eyes  that look of apprehension when he didn't get the answers right and my voice started to rise in volume and pitch. He developed a nervous tic with his fingers. At times I would joke that I was expecting a "A*" from him for his science subject as proof that I could open a tuition centre as a second career. I said this jokingly but when I said it over and over again it must have just added to his stress although he didn't say anything about it.

This Old Dog can still learn New Tricks

While I had not fully learnt my own lessons this third time round, thankfully at least I had learnt enough from the first two rounds to make me pause. I didn't want Jonah to remember the PSLE as the "annus horribilis" - the horrible year when all he had was scolding after scolding. This should have been the year that he knew of my love and support; and more importantly, to personally experience God's love and support. All I had been doing was reminding him over and over again how he wasn't good enough and how he would damage his own future. I was transferring my own fears to him and making them his fears.

God's Love!

The story of Jacob from the Bible - Jonah's drawing on the left and mine is
on the right. This particular one on "how to sleep in peace".

So I decided to start reading the Bible with him. I wanted Jonah to hear God's voice and not mine in the run up to the exam. I was prompted by God to choose the story of Jacob in the Bible. Why else would I choose this character of the many from the Bible? I would have thought that this man, a shepherd who lived centuries ago had nothing in common with 12 year old, living in modern day Jonah. Jacob was not the most honest man - he cheated his brother of his birth right and his business dealings were suspect. He constantly lived in fear of those who would seek revenge. He was raised to believe that if he wanted to succeed in life he had to grasp at things with his own wit and cunning. He didn't fit our traditional idea of a man who deserved God's blessing. Yet God blessed Jacob because he clung to God. "Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord[f] will be my God." (Genesis 29: 20 - 21)". It seems we have a God who cannot deny us when we cling to Him.


If I had not ceased my own frenzied scolding, then all Jonah would have heard would have been my angry voice. When I stopped so that we could hear God, I was amazed how many times God said to Jonah, "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you". Each day Jonah and I drew what God impressed upon us from reading the day's reading and saved these drawings into a book.

This book is a precious collection of all the verses, pictures
that Jonah and I wrote down and drew in the months running up to the PSLE.
I told him "Grab this book and run out with it if the house ever catches fire!"

If I did anything right this time round, reading the Bible with Jonah was probably at the top of the list. Hearing God for himself and feeling it in his heart gave Jonah a peace that exceeded the effect of our human reassurance before and during the the exam. A friend said she was amazed when she saw photos on Facebook of Jonah playing with his younger brother on the eve of his exams. 

Everyone for himself?

When we place the outcome of our children's futures solely on their shoulders and theirs alone, we place an unbearable burden on them. Can we, even as adults, assure ourselves of secure futures based entirely on our own efforts, controlled by our own hands? The Bible teaches us that our future is secure only because it is in God's hands, not because of good PSLE Scores. Even if the child scores well, let us not forget what God says : "You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today." (Deuteronomy 8:17-18)." Salvation comes through the God of the universe, not finding a good tuition teacher.

True or False? 

Question: "Good PSLE grades = Happy Life; Bad PSLE grades = Sad Life".

Answer: "False".

One other thing that I have learnt from these exams - you might not get the scores you want but it's really not the end of the world. Neither of Jonah's older brothers scored exactly what they had hoped to score (or what we had hoped they would score); and we all experienced disappointment of sorts. In retrospect Marie (my wife) and I felt that the exam was a good gauge of our sons' abilities. Their scores helped to place them in schools that were a good fit for them. They have since found their footing in their respective schools - they have pursued their interests, developed their gifts, grown in character and increased in their leadership abilities. They are happy where they are. You really don't need to top the class lists to have a good secondary school experience.

Jonah wasn't in the top scorer list in his school. He didn't get that "A*" for his science subject that I had hoped for but he did well enough to get into the school of his choice; and that is good enough for me. As I said to him "God gave you good enough marks so that you can get into the school of your choice; and low enough to keep you humble." More importantly, he didn't just get a year of scoldings. What he got instead is a book collecting God's promises to love him and take care of him, which he personally experienced. This is a wonderful foundation and milestone for the rest of his life.

Redeemed

In this past year, the word "Redeemed" and its other forms - "Redemption", "Redemptive" appeared repeatedly in what I've heard and read . If I have a chance to speak to the powers that be in of our local education system (and who knows I may actually have a chance) I will tell them that I believe our system has gone off course. The PSLE is no longer a tool to assess but to judge; and with judgement came condemnation - "not good enough". Three words we fear and teach our children to fear at their tender young age. 

Our education system should be redemptive. It should not judge but assess accurately the abilities of our children with an end point of discovering how to harness their full potential. The technocrats call this "value adding schools". The Bible calls it "Redemption". 

Happy after the exams!

In Conclusion:

This conclusion took a long time to write because it just wouldn't come out right. I had wanted to write "The World judges but God doesn't judge"; and it struck me that it wouldn't come out right because I was writing only a half truth. The truth is this "The World judges and God also judges but ultimately it is only God's opinion that really matters".

We cringe at that statement because it is no longer in vogue these days to talk about God the Judge. We only want to hear about God who is love and grace. We think God can only either judge or love love but we find it hard to grasp that we have a God who is both Judge AND Love. 

Our God describes Himself as the "Shepherd who seeks out the lost sheep", the "Father who waits then runs eagerly to embrace the wayward returning son", the "Mother who comforts her repentant children". Our God's Love is all the more glorious and magnificent because He is also the Judge; not less. He judges but His heart of compassion is always reaching out to those of us who are "not good enough". If that was not so then why do we celebrate Christmas, why do we celebrate Jesus who came to earth to die on the cross? His coming, His works and His death on the cross is the ultimate declaration and solution both to God's Holy Judgement and Perfect Love. 

I listened in on a junior doctor telling a medical student in the hospital the other day that "no matter how good you are, somewhere along the way of your medical career you will fail a test or an exam. It's just the nature of things." So it seems if by your efforts in academia, your good Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) records, your list of leadership roles, your good school testimonies, when you finally get into Medical School (the dream of many parents for their children) the fear of being found "not good enough" still awaits you.

God did not come to help us succeed by the World's standards against all odds. He came so that we no longer need fear being judged by the World's standards. He came so that we succeed by His standards instead. In Jesus, we can always be found "good enough" for Him. As Jacob learnt, as I am learning; and as Jonah and His brothers are learning, it seems all we have to do is to cling to God and He will do the rest. Perfect peace at last. Amen.

School Results (PSLE No. 2) - What I'm learning about school grades

Caleb and me - Post-PSLE

Good Grades or Good God? 

My friend Hwee Ting told me that she is still reading and recommending my blog to friends whose children are waiting for the PSLE exam results (School Results (PSLE) - What I'm learning about school grades). In that blog written two years ago when my first son completed his PSLE exams, I argued that it is not good grades but a good God who is the assurance for our futures.

Now two years later as I once again trooped down to school with second son Caleb (two down, two more to go) to receive his PSLE exam results, I felt that it was as much a day of reckoning for me as it was for him. Did I still believe and would I still be able to say with conviction "God gives us exactly what we need" regardless of what Caleb scored?

For the nation at large, the pressure of this exam had not abated; if anything it had escalated. This year when the government ran a series of focus groups regarding social issues, the parents' complaint of the excessive pressure of exams rang loud and clear. My wife Marie participated in one of the feedback sessions and asked for a 'kinder PSLE' (In Conversation with Stakeholders on Education). The government promised to tweak the exams gradually but took immediate actions to request that the media limit the traditional annual announcement of top students and their scores. This created an unnecessary frenzy every year that lasted several days and added on to the determination (or 'craziness'?) of parents to ensure that their children will appear smiling in the papers the following year (post note: the peace from a quieter media this year certainly cut out much unnecessary noise and tension).

Media aside, we still could not escape from the comparisons in schools, among friends' and colleagues' children. When we got to school, Marie and I sat in the auditorium listening to the names of the top boys in school being read out. The boys whose names were read leaped out of their seats with glee and punched the air. Caleb was not one of them. I wondered how he felt.

Good Genes?

At that point, what was going through my mind was my brother, Kuang. When we were kids, he also watched as I constantly brought back good results from school. I've never really thought much about what it felt like for him then. Recently, he wrote on his Facebook page that I had inherited all the smart genes of the family. What that statement implied, and what we generally believe, is that success is about the luck of draw. Good life or bad is just a random occurrence what cards you were dealt in life ...

These days my brother lives in the U.S. by the sea. He says the weather is balmy and he surfs all year round. He is married without kids but the children in the neighbourhood regularly wander into his house uninhibited. His life may sound like one of those Beach Boys or Jack Johnson songs but he is not a beach bum who has no direction in life.

He renovates dilapidated houses to bring renewal and jobs to communities. I wrote to him recently that I had seen on TV one of those house renovating reality shows where the contractor had completely refurbished a house for a mother-daughter pair who had met with several tragedies in their lives. The tears of joy when they saw their renovated house was priceless. This was meaningful and fulfilling work that he was doing.

So genes are like grades - regardless what genes we get, I believe God gives us exactly what we need. With my so called 'smart' genes I had found a happy place with a 9-to-5 job, one wife, four kids, picket fence life. My brother's more gung-ho, 'just give it a try' genes had led him down a more unorthodox path to a life that one would hardly call shabby. I hope Kuang doesn't begrudge me my life because I certainly don't begrudge him his. We have each made the best use of whatever genes, talents or 'smarts' God has given to us. I don't think it is what we're given but what we make of it that matters.

Markers for Greatness?

So as with the last time after the announcement of the boys with top scores, the parents waited outside the classrooms as the rest of the boys got their results. We all strained forward at the classroom window hoping to get a hint of our sons' results. One mother went as far as to stand holding the classroom door open to hear and see everything until the teacher asked her to close the door. It seems our behaviour still betray us. We jokingly say that it is not just the child but the parents who also take the exams. We spend loads of money sending our children for extra lessons and personally tutor them ourselves. The marks of their exams are so important to us because we think that these are markers for future success.

What we are invariably thinking about when we think future success is career success. Isn't this too narrow a definition of success? What about relationship success? Or moral / ethical success? Do we not hear enough nowadays about high flyers whose marriages failed? Have we not read in the newspapers about high ranking officials charged with illegal business practices?

More importantly as Christian parents, do we look out for and develop markers in our children that measure the likelihood that they will grow up to be men and women of God who choose to please Him rather than themselves? Do we pay as much attention to their church lives as we do their school lives?

God Sees and Chooses Differently

God sees and chooses the men and women of significance in the Bible differently. Many of these people probably wouldn't figure much in our education systems. As a shepherd boy, King David wasn't even offered up by his father as a potential candidate for the king position. Surly his taller and more handsome brother would be the more ideal candidate. God said 'No!', “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Moses had little confidence in himself when God asked him to speak to the Pharaoh of Egypt to demand for the release of the Israelite slaves. He described himself as "slow of speech and tongue" and pleaded repeatedly for God to send someone else. But God must have seen something in this man. Did it matter to God that he didn't have gift of the gab? Not at all because God gives us exactly what we need to do His work - “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11 - 12

My favourite Old Testament example for the modern career man is Daniel. Daniel was taken as an exile into the foreign Kingdom of Babylon. Talk about a hostile business environment - different culture, foreign language, unfamiliar practises and big power differential. Yet it was in this environment that God wanted His people to declare His greatness. To do this "...God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds." Daniel 1: 17. 

God gave Daniel talent, every success and high ranking positions in the Babylonian Kingdom because He saw that first and foremost Daniel was committed to using those gifts and successes to serve God, not his own career aspirations. God made Daniel indispensable to his boss - when he (due to a legal technicality) was thrown into the lions' den (now what is a modern day equivalent of that?), his boss (the King) rushed out to the den the next day shouting in an anguished voice :“Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?” (Daniel 6:19). If your boss behaved in the same way when you were in danger, what would that say of you? This is true success both in the eyes of God and man.

Joshua's experience

I think about my first son Joshua whose PSLE results I wrote about in my first blog. His results had been good enough to get him into his school of choice but not the IB program that he wanted. Of course he was initially disappointed but in the end Marie and I felt it worked out even better for Joshua. Not being in the program he wanted allowed him the room to explore secondary school life rather than have it defined by a structured program. In the two years since, he has made new friends in school and church. He has found his place in Boys Brigade and is growing to be a young leader there and in church. This year, he decided that he still wanted to be in the IB program and took it upon himself to apply for it. I am happy to announce that he has been accepted into the IB program for the coming year. We are praying that His academic success will grow in tandem with His love for God.

What about Caleb?

The family when a reporter came to interview Marie

But I digress. We should be talking about Caleb's PSLE results. So what happened? When Caleb got his results in the classroom, he smiled and waved to us. In my simplistic father's thinking, I thought "Great! He's happy, I'm happy, no negative emotions.". Fortunately mother's are more in tune with their children's emotions. Marie didn't look so sure. She was proven right when Caleb came out of the classroom and burst into tears. I was stunned - wasn't he just smiling a minute ago?

If you asked me why he was weeping, honestly, I'm still somewhat bewildered. I suppose the whole gamut of unmet expectations, not being able to go to the same school as his friends or his elder brother, fear of our disapproval, anxiety for the future. Of course Marie jumped right into action to comfort him with words and hugs. I tried my best to tell him that he did well, that we were not unhappy with his results; and eventually he did come round to be happy with what he got.

'Please, let us not agonise, God!'

While we were waiting for Caleb's results, we prayed that God would give him results that left no ambiguity as to which secondary school he should choose. We didn't want to agonise about which school to send him to or to have to agonise if we should appeal to the school if he just missed the mark. At this point in our lives, we were having many other things to deal with - house renovation and move, work, other children, church, studies - and we didn't have the resources to deal with another issue. In the end, three 'A's and one 'C' would not appear on any school's top list but would clearly get Caleb into one of the schools that we wanted for him - a school that is committed to building up boys to be men of God.

I confess though that it was difficult not to feel envious when I went back to work and church after the results were out to hear the perfect scores of my colleagues' and friends' children. I couldn't help wondering if Caleb could have scored better. I started to doubt if the results he got was really what he should have gotten. But the funny thing was this - I also heard of parents who agonised over which top schools to send their children to. There was unhappiness that even though the child had very good scores, they still did not qualify for the school of their choice. We had asked and God had given - complete freedom from having to agonise over school choices for Caleb.

Caleb's Better Markers

I don't deny it - which parent wouldn't want their child to get four 'A*'s? Which parent wouldn't want their child's face to be on the front page of the newspapers? I am not immune to that. As I reflected on these feelings I fear this would eventually lead to full blown greed in me if I were not careful. Why did I want top scores for Caleb when he didn't need them if not because of greed and pride? More importantly, these feelings unchecked would blind me to the wonderful young man that Caleb is and is growing up to be - his most tender heart for people, his willingness to help others, his fondness for small children... I hope I will learn to cherish these markers in his life more than the marks he scored; and learn to cultivate them.

In Conclusion

So I am happy that I can still say with conviction that "God always gives us exactly what we need". The story is still continuing. Ahead of my family and myself is an exciting adventure - one that I am confident will prove that God is always faithful.

I look forward to the time two years later when I return to the school for my third son's PSLE results. What will I learn about my son, myself and God then I wonder? I will give you an update then.

School Results (PSLE) - What I'm learning about school grades

Thanksgiving!
So 巧 or co-incidental that this year's 24th November was my eldest son, Joshua's Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) results' release, my youngest son, Samuel's one month celebration (both rites of passage in our local community) and the U.S. Thanksgiving. It was indeed a good day to give thanks.

My handsome sons:
Joshua (12 years) & Samuel (1 month)

Pursuing Grades - of this World or not?
Living here where academic excellence is do or die, where parents spend inordinate amounts of money on extra classes for their kids and say that they feel like they themselves are going through their kids' exams, I've always asked myself "How should Christian parents live differently?" 


If the Bible calls us to be in this world but not of this world, to avoid conformity to the patterns of the world - should we rush them from school to tuition to enrichment classes all day long and celebrate only when the kids bring back top marks? The local phrase we use is "怕输" - "scared to lose"; or in proper English "Fear of failure". Are we as Christians just as scared to lose as our non-Christian counter-parts? If we are then is there something missing in our faith?


Our words betray us?
And what should Christian parents say when asked about their childrens' results? The standard answer seems to be "Oh, none of it is my credit, it's all to the glory of God." Personally I find these answers unsatisfactory. It cannot apply to all situations and is mostly used by parents when their children get good grades. What of children who do not get 'good' grades, did they not bring glory to God? Or if grades were blessings from God, were they not blessed because they've not been 'good' somehow?


Good Grades or Good God?
In my musings I have come to realise that there are two dangers with pursuit of good grades:
1. That it is but the start of chasing after things in life that leads us to be defined by things, such as a great career, wealth, fame, good looks etc., rather than to be defined by the identity we have in Jesus and His death for us on the cross.


2. That we look at grades as an assurance of success and security in life when they are actually only options and choices for life's next steps. Every grade gives an option, there are no dead ends, especially when we are under God's care.


As I have written in my recent blogs - those who believe that worldly success brings joy and fulfils our hearts' deepest yearnings often learn regretfully that this is not true. My wife asked me why I was rather sanguine about the whole PSLE thing and my reply was that after working this number of years, I have realised that the amount of emphasis we place on academic excellence is somewhat misplaced. Those who only know how to study for grades are often lacking in social skills that are even more important in the workplace.


What I learnt from Joseph
During this period God brought me back to the life of Joseph (for those who are not familiar with this man in the Bible - look him up in Genesis 37 - 41. You can go to Bible Gateway http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2037%20-%2041&version=NIV)


Joseph was the favourite son of Jacob, the patriarch of the nation of Israel. Unfortunately, Joseph's brothers were so gripped with jealousy and envy that they plotted and succeeded in selling him to Egypt as a slave. This led to years of incarceration and slavery for Joseph till God's gifting on him were finally recognised by the pharaoh of Egypt through a series of events. Through these difficult years Joseph had but one option, to wait patiently for God to act. Eventually, God elevated him to a position second only to the Pharaoh and saved the people of Egypt from a devastating drought.


Honestly, which parent would not want for their child to be in Joseph's final position in Egypt? Probably all. But which parent would want their child to go through the journey to get there? Probably none. Yet the learning point is this, Joseph's life (and the rest of ours for that matter) was not something that could be engineered by man, only by God. So if Joseph had lived in modern times, none of those extra classes, top marks, top schools would have led to that position of 'success' that parents so desire for their children.


So what grades did Joshua really get?
You may think after all this that the reason why I'm writing this is because Joshua's results were not so good. The truth is that Joshua got good solid results, enough to get him to the school of his choice* and to have options to choose courses he desires. He is pleased with himself as we are with him. He may not have appeared on any 'top' lists but his results are a good reflection of the solid, consistent work that he has done through the year. Marie and I were already proud of him, his discipline and determination in his studies before the results were out.
* I am not writing down Joshua's actual results because he has already posted them on his own facebook page and I am of a generation that is more discreet when it comes to public announcement of grades.


I'm still learning too...
The real reason why I'm writing this is because I am no less affected by the pressures of academic success. I too get unhappy when the boys come home with 'not good' results. I have grown up with the belief that top grades are everything; and I believe within me I have much pride over this. But I hope I'm learning ...


I tried to be different when I was at school waiting for Joshua's PSLE results. To a mom whose son got top marks and gave me the usual 'It's not me, it's all God' spiel, I said, "You know, which ever grades our sons get, it's the exact grade that he needs - and that's what God has given to them." I got this blank, non-comprehending look, perhaps because I truly took the glory and gave it to God, not to her or her son. I'm still not sure this is the best way but I think it's a step in the right direction.


Edited by lovely wife, Marie ...