Letting Go

God brings people - imperfect, fallible and sinful people into the Church - people like me. If it were only us, it would have been a recipe for disaster but it was not. God redeems and out of our mess He creates miracles ...

One moment on top ...

More that half year ago, I was invited to step down from leadership in church. I had initiated a discussion regarding some disagreements and to announce my plans to step down from leadership at the end of my term in a few month's time. I didn't expect to be invited to step down with immediate effect at the end of that conversation. One moment a church leader, the next moment an ordinary member.

To say the least I felt slighted by this turn of events. Pretty soon after that, whenever I was in church I felt all eyes on me. Yet no one uttered a single word to me about my sudden departure from leadership nor thanked me for my work. What was most hurtful was that everyone acted as if nothing had happened. They all evidently knew about the development but chose silence. I could not say I didn't understand their reticence - in the past other leaders had similarly stepped down and had caused pain in church by their very angry and public exits. The people in church were wondering if I were planning to do the same.

Success is a heavy burden to bear ...

For some reason, I felt the burden of success more acutely when I reached this current stage of my life in the late forties. The privilege of youth is the permission to fail. With age, with reputation, with a family to feed, the option to fail became more and more unbearable. The idea of success crept up on me insidiously - it was as if I had gotten out of bed one morning and learnt with momentary delight that I had achieved a certain degree of success; and almost immediately the fear of failure set in. Whether at family gatherings, school reunions (do the frequency of these seem to increase with age?); and how could I forget Facebook? Of course I curated everything that my friends and friends-of-friends got to see. Even more importantly I wanted to make sure that I had something to show - my beautiful wife and children, my fantastic holidays, my lovely dinners, my career successes. Who would ever write "I was just asked to eat humble pie - so embarrassing :( "?

Control ... or the loss of it

The fear of failure - I realised that at its root is a control issue, the fear of loss of control. Once I had gotten to be "King of the Hill" I was desperate to make sure nothing in my environment would create a slippery slope; and for a man of certain "standing", I wanted my opinion and wishes respected and complied with by the people around me.

In other words, I wanted control of the world and this was exhausting because that was a God sized job and not a man sized job. How often had I said "Let go and let God!" and hadn't meant it. Letting go and letting God should mean that I had peace to accept whatever happened to me because God was in control. As Carrie Underwood sang in her song "Jesus Take the Wheel" - I was supposed to be taking my hands off the steering wheel of my life and letting God drive. In truth my hands were ever only inches away and ready to slap God's hands off the instant He drove my life in a direction I didn't want to take.

And then they become teenagers ..

If you ever want to learn what it means to not be able to control someone - have teenagers in your home. Now that I'm in my late forties I have three sons who are in their teenage years. Overnight, you suddenly cannot get them to sleep at night, you cannot get them to wake in the morning, you cannot get them to take their eyes of their mobile devices, you cannot get them to tell you about their day ("... ok ..." is all you hear), you cannot get them to take out the trash when you want them to. You get the idea.

Recently I decided that one of my son's studying and results were not up to my standard. Immediately the control freak in me leaped into high gear. I made him map out every hour of his after school life, made him declare what he would study and have regular meetings with me to give an accounting. Surely this was what he needed to shore up those flagging grades (please note these were judged against Asian Tiger Dad Standards - what may have been perfectly fine to anyone else).

It didn't work - he didn't follow the plan and there was always some reason why he couldn't meet me ("I forgot" being the most common excuse). Every time I turned my head it seemed like his eyes were on his mobile device rather than his books. There were many angry exchanges and interrogations. In the penultimate explosive exchange he looked sullenly at me and said "I'm not doing it because I don't want to. I don't like it". I thank God that at that point He gave me the good sense to ask "What then do you want?" and then to listen. Basically my son wanted 1) "Let me live my own life my way"; and a big surprise to me 2) "Read the Bible with me."

Turning Control over to God

The number 2 request blindsided me and comforted me at the same time. Perhaps in all my failures as a dad I had not failed in everything after all. So we did - we started reading the Bible every Sunday. At 5.15 pm he would promptly say "Pa Pa, you want to do it now?" and we would turn to our Bibles. We didn't prepare before hand. Sometimes we would read what he was reading, sometimes what I was reading and sometimes just a random selection. We just read and let God speak to us from His Word. Invariably there would be something that God would say to him or me. No fantastic prophetic announcements but meaningful to both of us nevertheless.

Marie reminded me the other day "Did you realise that the two of you have been doing this without a break for the last 8 weeks? And you've been consistently adding God's truths into his life." No, I had not realised. It was also about that time that God reminded me of the lesson - to take my hands off the steering wheel of my son's life too and to let God. "His studies" God said to me, "is between him and Me". Of course the call was not to drop my son off into an abyss and forget about him. In the Bible, God said,  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Trying to control my son? Totally exhausting; and that was not even my job. My job was to point him to God and to let God deal with Him.

Learning to Let Go and Let God

Coming back to the church incident, I thank God that providentially I had gone for a work place workshop around that time. The workshop endeavoured to teach us a different perspective - that in every situation, especially when one's interest was challenged, avoid self-protection first but look to what was best for the situation. While I appreciated the perspective the workshop was teaching I also thought that there was no real way any normal human (I don't profess to be a saint) could be so altruistic unless he first took his hands off the steering wheel. Why did Jesus die with great pain and suffering on the cross for our sins? Firstly because God wanted him to; and because he loved and trusted God. Then secondly because His death was good for us. The church incident was hurtful to me, did I tell you that already? Were there times when I wanted to strike back? Were there times I wanted to create a big scene to justify myself and defend my ego? Of course, of course, of course a hundred times over.

I thank God that He gave me the peace not to. I took my hands off the steering wheel. I trusted God to take care of me. He knew the good work I had done. I didn't need to justify myself. I tried to do what was best for the situation and I promised to continue teaching the children in the ministry I was no longer leading. The human mind could not understand this. It was not intuitive but truly God's ways were better.

Losing something to gain a whole lot more

In stepping down from leadership, I gained many more opportunities to teach the children in church God's truth. This had been my original passion, not this leadership thing. When the people in church saw that I had no intention of turning the world upside down they started to feel safe with me again. About six months later, a lovely lady from church came up to thank me and to present me with a gift in appreciation for my work in the ministry. I could accept the gift humbly and graciously because I had not created a scene. This was exactly what I had wanted - a tangible appreciation, no matter how big or small, from someone in church. It could not have been possible until I had given up my own desire to strike back, to force people into acknowledging and appreciating me.

Church Children's Day Celebration 2016

God Redeems 

One year ago, I could not have imagined that I would be up on stage in church, wearing a rainbow coloured wig, with Marie by my side, using science experiments to teach the children and adults in the audience God's truths. My pastor had graciously invited me to share the pulpit with him in our church Children's Day Carnival. We were "Chef Marie and the Mad Scientist".


The Bible says "For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?" (Mark 8:36). God reminded me that even if it was possible for me to control the world, it was not possible for me to gain my own life. To gain my life I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel, let God drive and learn to appreciate the ride. Amen.

And for the Country Music Fans:

Jesus Take the Wheel, Carrie Underwood

 

Receiving PSLE Results - A Third Time (Reflections and Thoughts)

It's That Time of the Year Again

In 2011, 2013, and this year in 2015, I've had a son return to his school to collect results for that all important exam we call the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination). The results determine the chance of the child to get into the school and programme of his (or maybe his parents?) choice.
I have written about my experience with the PSLE for my two older boys in these two blogs:
PSLE Blog 1 and PSLE Blog 2; and as promised I am now writing about my experience a third time round.

Been There, Done That? Or Not?

My PSLE Journey with Jonah

This being the third time, I knew what to expect when we went to the school to collect Jonah's results:
1. All start in the auditorium for the announcement of the top scorers in the school - check
2. Parents to wait outside the classrooms for each boy to receive his results from his teacher - check
3. Jonah gets his results, no crying, confirm he is ok - check
4. Praise and congratulate him - check
5. Time for celebratory lunch - check

It would have been easy for me to take things for granted this third time round thinking that I already know exactly what to expect; and I would have done my son and myself a big disservice. Certainly knowing what was ahead did make some things easier. I thought I was quite cool when I was in school waiting for Jonah's results. In some other things though knowing did not mean that I had learnt a better attitude or response this third time round.

Fear - the common denominator?

I learnt from the past that many of my actions to get the boys to study was borne out of fear. I was anxious that this one exam would make or break their future. It was like that 35 years ago when I took this very same exam. My parents gave me dire warnings that if I didn't do well I would end up in schools (called 'Star Schools' then) that only took in non-performers who couldn't make it anywhere else. My results were certainly no where near that desperate but if it made me study harder ... It is still like that these days, if not worse. Parents complain about the unbearable burden and unrealistic expectations of the system on our children yet we push our children to keep up with, if not exceed, the rest of the herd for fear of losing out. Fear drove me to scold Jonah to get him to study. I had already seen from the first two times how too much scolding was counter-productive. It made them lose interest and self-motivation to study. It broke their confidence.Yet it was easy to convince myself that my actions were justified again this time round - if I didn't scold, would he study? And if he didn't study, what would become of him? 

When I took him through his lessons I started to see in Jonah's eyes  that look of apprehension when he didn't get the answers right and my voice started to rise in volume and pitch. He developed a nervous tic with his fingers. At times I would joke that I was expecting a "A*" from him for his science subject as proof that I could open a tuition centre as a second career. I said this jokingly but when I said it over and over again it must have just added to his stress although he didn't say anything about it.

This Old Dog can still learn New Tricks

While I had not fully learnt my own lessons this third time round, thankfully at least I had learnt enough from the first two rounds to make me pause. I didn't want Jonah to remember the PSLE as the "annus horribilis" - the horrible year when all he had was scolding after scolding. This should have been the year that he knew of my love and support; and more importantly, to personally experience God's love and support. All I had been doing was reminding him over and over again how he wasn't good enough and how he would damage his own future. I was transferring my own fears to him and making them his fears.

God's Love!

The story of Jacob from the Bible - Jonah's drawing on the left and mine is
on the right. This particular one on "how to sleep in peace".

So I decided to start reading the Bible with him. I wanted Jonah to hear God's voice and not mine in the run up to the exam. I was prompted by God to choose the story of Jacob in the Bible. Why else would I choose this character of the many from the Bible? I would have thought that this man, a shepherd who lived centuries ago had nothing in common with 12 year old, living in modern day Jonah. Jacob was not the most honest man - he cheated his brother of his birth right and his business dealings were suspect. He constantly lived in fear of those who would seek revenge. He was raised to believe that if he wanted to succeed in life he had to grasp at things with his own wit and cunning. He didn't fit our traditional idea of a man who deserved God's blessing. Yet God blessed Jacob because he clung to God. "Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord[f] will be my God." (Genesis 29: 20 - 21)". It seems we have a God who cannot deny us when we cling to Him.


If I had not ceased my own frenzied scolding, then all Jonah would have heard would have been my angry voice. When I stopped so that we could hear God, I was amazed how many times God said to Jonah, "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you". Each day Jonah and I drew what God impressed upon us from reading the day's reading and saved these drawings into a book.

This book is a precious collection of all the verses, pictures
that Jonah and I wrote down and drew in the months running up to the PSLE.
I told him "Grab this book and run out with it if the house ever catches fire!"

If I did anything right this time round, reading the Bible with Jonah was probably at the top of the list. Hearing God for himself and feeling it in his heart gave Jonah a peace that exceeded the effect of our human reassurance before and during the the exam. A friend said she was amazed when she saw photos on Facebook of Jonah playing with his younger brother on the eve of his exams. 

Everyone for himself?

When we place the outcome of our children's futures solely on their shoulders and theirs alone, we place an unbearable burden on them. Can we, even as adults, assure ourselves of secure futures based entirely on our own efforts, controlled by our own hands? The Bible teaches us that our future is secure only because it is in God's hands, not because of good PSLE Scores. Even if the child scores well, let us not forget what God says : "You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today." (Deuteronomy 8:17-18)." Salvation comes through the God of the universe, not finding a good tuition teacher.

True or False? 

Question: "Good PSLE grades = Happy Life; Bad PSLE grades = Sad Life".

Answer: "False".

One other thing that I have learnt from these exams - you might not get the scores you want but it's really not the end of the world. Neither of Jonah's older brothers scored exactly what they had hoped to score (or what we had hoped they would score); and we all experienced disappointment of sorts. In retrospect Marie (my wife) and I felt that the exam was a good gauge of our sons' abilities. Their scores helped to place them in schools that were a good fit for them. They have since found their footing in their respective schools - they have pursued their interests, developed their gifts, grown in character and increased in their leadership abilities. They are happy where they are. You really don't need to top the class lists to have a good secondary school experience.

Jonah wasn't in the top scorer list in his school. He didn't get that "A*" for his science subject that I had hoped for but he did well enough to get into the school of his choice; and that is good enough for me. As I said to him "God gave you good enough marks so that you can get into the school of your choice; and low enough to keep you humble." More importantly, he didn't just get a year of scoldings. What he got instead is a book collecting God's promises to love him and take care of him, which he personally experienced. This is a wonderful foundation and milestone for the rest of his life.

Redeemed

In this past year, the word "Redeemed" and its other forms - "Redemption", "Redemptive" appeared repeatedly in what I've heard and read . If I have a chance to speak to the powers that be in of our local education system (and who knows I may actually have a chance) I will tell them that I believe our system has gone off course. The PSLE is no longer a tool to assess but to judge; and with judgement came condemnation - "not good enough". Three words we fear and teach our children to fear at their tender young age. 

Our education system should be redemptive. It should not judge but assess accurately the abilities of our children with an end point of discovering how to harness their full potential. The technocrats call this "value adding schools". The Bible calls it "Redemption". 

Happy after the exams!

In Conclusion:

This conclusion took a long time to write because it just wouldn't come out right. I had wanted to write "The World judges but God doesn't judge"; and it struck me that it wouldn't come out right because I was writing only a half truth. The truth is this "The World judges and God also judges but ultimately it is only God's opinion that really matters".

We cringe at that statement because it is no longer in vogue these days to talk about God the Judge. We only want to hear about God who is love and grace. We think God can only either judge or love love but we find it hard to grasp that we have a God who is both Judge AND Love. 

Our God describes Himself as the "Shepherd who seeks out the lost sheep", the "Father who waits then runs eagerly to embrace the wayward returning son", the "Mother who comforts her repentant children". Our God's Love is all the more glorious and magnificent because He is also the Judge; not less. He judges but His heart of compassion is always reaching out to those of us who are "not good enough". If that was not so then why do we celebrate Christmas, why do we celebrate Jesus who came to earth to die on the cross? His coming, His works and His death on the cross is the ultimate declaration and solution both to God's Holy Judgement and Perfect Love. 

I listened in on a junior doctor telling a medical student in the hospital the other day that "no matter how good you are, somewhere along the way of your medical career you will fail a test or an exam. It's just the nature of things." So it seems if by your efforts in academia, your good Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) records, your list of leadership roles, your good school testimonies, when you finally get into Medical School (the dream of many parents for their children) the fear of being found "not good enough" still awaits you.

God did not come to help us succeed by the World's standards against all odds. He came so that we no longer need fear being judged by the World's standards. He came so that we succeed by His standards instead. In Jesus, we can always be found "good enough" for Him. As Jacob learnt, as I am learning; and as Jonah and His brothers are learning, it seems all we have to do is to cling to God and He will do the rest. Perfect peace at last. Amen.

What I learnt from scolding my son Jonah

Jonah 
When I think of how to describe my son Jonah to you, I think of the movie "Sound of Music", the part where the nuns throw up their hands in exasperation at the undefinable, uncontrollable, yet lovable Maria.

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

How do you find a word that means Maria?

A fibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A Clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her

Many a thing she ought to understand

But how do you make her stay?

And listen to all you say?

How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

How we chose his name

Friends have told us that we were asking for it, naming him after Jonah in the Bible - well known for resisting God's call to do what is right, running off in the opposite direction and  repenting only when he ended up in a whale's belly. 

But actually we chose the name after watching the show  "Sleepless in Seattle".... yes, I guess that boy in the show had a mind of his own too. But when Jonah was born my first impression was that he was God's special gift to me. He had a large round head and large round eyes exactly like those cute cartoon characters that I adore.

'Take Care of Yourself'

Born the third son into our family when his two older brothers were also young and needing much care, he learnt quickly to wait while we tended to his brothers. He was really good at this, sitting with googly eyes quietly in a corner on his high chair staring into space while stuffing snacks into his mouth. 

In this video of grandma's birthday, you see him sitting on grandma's lap looking 'blur' while his two older brothers steal the limelight and dictate what they wanted.

'You have to help me'

As the years went by and the brothers grew up, the balance tilted - more and more we expected his older brothers to take care of themselves and help with Jonah. This 'you have to help me' mentality became so imprinted in his mind that when Jonah watched the movie "Happy Feet" (about this awkward penguin coming of age) his one comment was when the penguin was left to fend for himself "Why his Pa Pa and Mummy never take care of him?"

'An inexplicable amalgam'

So Jonah is this curious mix of personalities. His favourite activity is lying on the floor with his books or LEGO toys, talking to himself, living in another world in his mind. He leaves spots of messiness all over the house, expecting things to be picked up after him. He hates to go out but if he has to, he brings books to bury his nose in. He eats what he likes and would rather not eat if the food is not to his liking.

Jonah & Samuel

'Take Care of Yourself' Again

With the arrival of Samuel last year, unfortunately, Jonah has again been relegated back to the 'take care of yourself' status. It was hard for him while waiting for Samuel's arrival. He frequently took out his baby photos to ask us 'I was a really cute baby, right?'. He was working through the emotions of giving up his 'baby of the family' status. To his credit, he's been nothing but loving to Samuel since his arrival.

School starts and it all falls apart

As the school year started, we noticed that Jonah could not follow his home routines, his chores were undone, homework was sloppy. He slept late, forgot piano practise, everyday he appeared scruffy in his school uniform. Of course this riled me no end, especially now that most of our energy was spent on taking care of Samuel. Why couldn't he make life easier for me?

Scolding don't help

One night last week Jonah received a whole string of scolding from me (I even scolded him for having a nose bleed - but that's another story). He went to bed sad and it made me stop to think. Honestly I felt like that grumpy chap in the movie 'Despicable Me' before he learnt to be a good Dad. 

In my quietness, I heard God say to me "He wants you to journey with him". Journey - what did that mean? Then it struck me - I was letting Jonah struggle on his own, obviously beyond his capability. I had made the classic parent mistake of thinking all the boys are the same. Instead of coaching and helping him, I was a harsh judge of his inadequacies on the sidelines. Not only did that tear him down, it created negative emotions for me. 

A Traveling Companion
So now, Jonah and I have a nightly routine that intersects at key points. We pack his school bag together for the next day and end the night with 10 minutes of story reading; then prayer before sleep. The day we started it, he was so pleased, he went to bed beaming. I told Marie "I spent the same amount of time with him but got a much better and happier outcome."

As I learnt how to be a better earthly father, God reminded me that He is the perfect, heavenly Dad. Often I struggle to the point of exhaustion and frustration with the challenges in life as if I'm going it alone. Jesus offers us this partnership ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 29 - 30, from Biblegateway.com

Again it is mentioned in Hebrews 4: 10 - 11a of God's invitation to rest - "¹⁰ for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works,^[e] just as God did from his. ¹¹ Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest," from Biblegateway.com

Jonah still has to complete his daily routines but he now finds them less of a chore with my help. So too God does not take us out of our lives here on earth. What He promises is His constant presence by our side. We no longer need to struggle at it alone but can rest in the peace that when we cannot handle something, God takes care of it. We are blessed children indeed.

A proud moment for Jonah - when he lost his first tooth.

Addendum 22 January 2012

For those who've not watched the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" - here's a few snippets from YouTube:

You hear how loud Tom Hanks can shout "Jonah!". You get the other reason why we chose that name?

Snippets from the movie to the song "A Wink and A Smile" by Harry Connick Jr.

The final scene where all the "If only..." and "What if..." find there happy conclusion.