School Results (PSLE No. 2) - What I'm learning about school grades

Caleb and me - Post-PSLE

Good Grades or Good God? 

My friend Hwee Ting told me that she is still reading and recommending my blog to friends whose children are waiting for the PSLE exam results (School Results (PSLE) - What I'm learning about school grades). In that blog written two years ago when my first son completed his PSLE exams, I argued that it is not good grades but a good God who is the assurance for our futures.

Now two years later as I once again trooped down to school with second son Caleb (two down, two more to go) to receive his PSLE exam results, I felt that it was as much a day of reckoning for me as it was for him. Did I still believe and would I still be able to say with conviction "God gives us exactly what we need" regardless of what Caleb scored?

For the nation at large, the pressure of this exam had not abated; if anything it had escalated. This year when the government ran a series of focus groups regarding social issues, the parents' complaint of the excessive pressure of exams rang loud and clear. My wife Marie participated in one of the feedback sessions and asked for a 'kinder PSLE' (In Conversation with Stakeholders on Education). The government promised to tweak the exams gradually but took immediate actions to request that the media limit the traditional annual announcement of top students and their scores. This created an unnecessary frenzy every year that lasted several days and added on to the determination (or 'craziness'?) of parents to ensure that their children will appear smiling in the papers the following year (post note: the peace from a quieter media this year certainly cut out much unnecessary noise and tension).

Media aside, we still could not escape from the comparisons in schools, among friends' and colleagues' children. When we got to school, Marie and I sat in the auditorium listening to the names of the top boys in school being read out. The boys whose names were read leaped out of their seats with glee and punched the air. Caleb was not one of them. I wondered how he felt.

Good Genes?

At that point, what was going through my mind was my brother, Kuang. When we were kids, he also watched as I constantly brought back good results from school. I've never really thought much about what it felt like for him then. Recently, he wrote on his Facebook page that I had inherited all the smart genes of the family. What that statement implied, and what we generally believe, is that success is about the luck of draw. Good life or bad is just a random occurrence what cards you were dealt in life ...

These days my brother lives in the U.S. by the sea. He says the weather is balmy and he surfs all year round. He is married without kids but the children in the neighbourhood regularly wander into his house uninhibited. His life may sound like one of those Beach Boys or Jack Johnson songs but he is not a beach bum who has no direction in life.

He renovates dilapidated houses to bring renewal and jobs to communities. I wrote to him recently that I had seen on TV one of those house renovating reality shows where the contractor had completely refurbished a house for a mother-daughter pair who had met with several tragedies in their lives. The tears of joy when they saw their renovated house was priceless. This was meaningful and fulfilling work that he was doing.

So genes are like grades - regardless what genes we get, I believe God gives us exactly what we need. With my so called 'smart' genes I had found a happy place with a 9-to-5 job, one wife, four kids, picket fence life. My brother's more gung-ho, 'just give it a try' genes had led him down a more unorthodox path to a life that one would hardly call shabby. I hope Kuang doesn't begrudge me my life because I certainly don't begrudge him his. We have each made the best use of whatever genes, talents or 'smarts' God has given to us. I don't think it is what we're given but what we make of it that matters.

Markers for Greatness?

So as with the last time after the announcement of the boys with top scores, the parents waited outside the classrooms as the rest of the boys got their results. We all strained forward at the classroom window hoping to get a hint of our sons' results. One mother went as far as to stand holding the classroom door open to hear and see everything until the teacher asked her to close the door. It seems our behaviour still betray us. We jokingly say that it is not just the child but the parents who also take the exams. We spend loads of money sending our children for extra lessons and personally tutor them ourselves. The marks of their exams are so important to us because we think that these are markers for future success.

What we are invariably thinking about when we think future success is career success. Isn't this too narrow a definition of success? What about relationship success? Or moral / ethical success? Do we not hear enough nowadays about high flyers whose marriages failed? Have we not read in the newspapers about high ranking officials charged with illegal business practices?

More importantly as Christian parents, do we look out for and develop markers in our children that measure the likelihood that they will grow up to be men and women of God who choose to please Him rather than themselves? Do we pay as much attention to their church lives as we do their school lives?

God Sees and Chooses Differently

God sees and chooses the men and women of significance in the Bible differently. Many of these people probably wouldn't figure much in our education systems. As a shepherd boy, King David wasn't even offered up by his father as a potential candidate for the king position. Surly his taller and more handsome brother would be the more ideal candidate. God said 'No!', “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Moses had little confidence in himself when God asked him to speak to the Pharaoh of Egypt to demand for the release of the Israelite slaves. He described himself as "slow of speech and tongue" and pleaded repeatedly for God to send someone else. But God must have seen something in this man. Did it matter to God that he didn't have gift of the gab? Not at all because God gives us exactly what we need to do His work - “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11 - 12

My favourite Old Testament example for the modern career man is Daniel. Daniel was taken as an exile into the foreign Kingdom of Babylon. Talk about a hostile business environment - different culture, foreign language, unfamiliar practises and big power differential. Yet it was in this environment that God wanted His people to declare His greatness. To do this "...God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds." Daniel 1: 17. 

God gave Daniel talent, every success and high ranking positions in the Babylonian Kingdom because He saw that first and foremost Daniel was committed to using those gifts and successes to serve God, not his own career aspirations. God made Daniel indispensable to his boss - when he (due to a legal technicality) was thrown into the lions' den (now what is a modern day equivalent of that?), his boss (the King) rushed out to the den the next day shouting in an anguished voice :“Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?” (Daniel 6:19). If your boss behaved in the same way when you were in danger, what would that say of you? This is true success both in the eyes of God and man.

Joshua's experience

I think about my first son Joshua whose PSLE results I wrote about in my first blog. His results had been good enough to get him into his school of choice but not the IB program that he wanted. Of course he was initially disappointed but in the end Marie and I felt it worked out even better for Joshua. Not being in the program he wanted allowed him the room to explore secondary school life rather than have it defined by a structured program. In the two years since, he has made new friends in school and church. He has found his place in Boys Brigade and is growing to be a young leader there and in church. This year, he decided that he still wanted to be in the IB program and took it upon himself to apply for it. I am happy to announce that he has been accepted into the IB program for the coming year. We are praying that His academic success will grow in tandem with His love for God.

What about Caleb?

The family when a reporter came to interview Marie

But I digress. We should be talking about Caleb's PSLE results. So what happened? When Caleb got his results in the classroom, he smiled and waved to us. In my simplistic father's thinking, I thought "Great! He's happy, I'm happy, no negative emotions.". Fortunately mother's are more in tune with their children's emotions. Marie didn't look so sure. She was proven right when Caleb came out of the classroom and burst into tears. I was stunned - wasn't he just smiling a minute ago?

If you asked me why he was weeping, honestly, I'm still somewhat bewildered. I suppose the whole gamut of unmet expectations, not being able to go to the same school as his friends or his elder brother, fear of our disapproval, anxiety for the future. Of course Marie jumped right into action to comfort him with words and hugs. I tried my best to tell him that he did well, that we were not unhappy with his results; and eventually he did come round to be happy with what he got.

'Please, let us not agonise, God!'

While we were waiting for Caleb's results, we prayed that God would give him results that left no ambiguity as to which secondary school he should choose. We didn't want to agonise about which school to send him to or to have to agonise if we should appeal to the school if he just missed the mark. At this point in our lives, we were having many other things to deal with - house renovation and move, work, other children, church, studies - and we didn't have the resources to deal with another issue. In the end, three 'A's and one 'C' would not appear on any school's top list but would clearly get Caleb into one of the schools that we wanted for him - a school that is committed to building up boys to be men of God.

I confess though that it was difficult not to feel envious when I went back to work and church after the results were out to hear the perfect scores of my colleagues' and friends' children. I couldn't help wondering if Caleb could have scored better. I started to doubt if the results he got was really what he should have gotten. But the funny thing was this - I also heard of parents who agonised over which top schools to send their children to. There was unhappiness that even though the child had very good scores, they still did not qualify for the school of their choice. We had asked and God had given - complete freedom from having to agonise over school choices for Caleb.

Caleb's Better Markers

I don't deny it - which parent wouldn't want their child to get four 'A*'s? Which parent wouldn't want their child's face to be on the front page of the newspapers? I am not immune to that. As I reflected on these feelings I fear this would eventually lead to full blown greed in me if I were not careful. Why did I want top scores for Caleb when he didn't need them if not because of greed and pride? More importantly, these feelings unchecked would blind me to the wonderful young man that Caleb is and is growing up to be - his most tender heart for people, his willingness to help others, his fondness for small children... I hope I will learn to cherish these markers in his life more than the marks he scored; and learn to cultivate them.

In Conclusion

So I am happy that I can still say with conviction that "God always gives us exactly what we need". The story is still continuing. Ahead of my family and myself is an exciting adventure - one that I am confident will prove that God is always faithful.

I look forward to the time two years later when I return to the school for my third son's PSLE results. What will I learn about my son, myself and God then I wonder? I will give you an update then.

Graduation Day Speech: "Choice and Commitment"

The Invitation

I hadn't been a particularly active alumni so I was surprised when I received an invitation to be a Guest of Honour at one of the school's Graduation Day Ceremony recently.

I had to deliver a ten minute speech during the ceremony. What do you say to a bunch of high achieving students and their parents? As I stood on the stage and looked at the sea of expectant faces looking back at me, I knew my inner promptings were right - you give them hope. Hope that their efforts have created excellent options; and even if not, that there is a whole lot more to life and in this World than academic success.

Now on to the speech ...

Honoured Guests, Principal, Teachers, Students; and most of all, 2013 Graduands,

Thank you for this invitation to join you in your Graduation Day. It is a great honour.

One of the junior staff who recently joined my team is a Hwa Chong graduand. A few months after she started working , her supervisor came to me saying enthusiastically that she was a good worker  – she was intelligent, made good decisions, she was proactive and creative… I listened for a while and then I said “Hwa Chong, you know, of course will be good.”

What was even more interesting was that my colleague smiled but she didn’t object. So first and foremost I want to compliment all of you students and teachers, that through the years you have kept up that excellent performance to keep the flames of Hwa Chong burning brightly. Whether in universities, scholarship boards or the workplace, the name “Hwa Chong” remains highly valued. For the graduands, now as alumni of Hwa Chong Institution, you can hold your heads up high in the world out there. I can see that our motto: 自强不息 are not just words we say but also acted out in our daily lives.

I accepted this invitation, not so much because I believed I was worthy of it. I almost fell out of my chair when the invitation came. I accepted this invitation because it gave me a valid reason to block off time in my calendar to come back to visit Hwa Chong. I graduated in 1986. I guess I had always planned to return but somehow once I had left, life took over and it had just not brought me back till today. I enlisted into National Service in December of that year. In one of my calls home, my mother said excitedly “The Hwa Chong Buidling collapsed! The Hwa Chong Building collapsed! Everyone had to vacate!” Well, that’s my Mom for you - cracks in the walls become buildings collapsing but I guess that’s what makes life exciting. I visited the Woodlands then the Bukit Batok sites subsequently but it was just not the same as coming back here.

I have great nostalgia for my 4 years in Chinese High and the 2 in Hwa Chong JC. We had great teachers who always keeping us on our toes.

I also made my best friends here.  It’s unbelievable that our friendships have endured 30 years of ups and downs; and these friendships are important. We just met on Tuesday for lunch. I was stressing about the my short lunch time and getting back to work on time until my friend reminded me "Public Holiday OK?".  It is your friends who keep you grounded to what is important no matter how successful you become in life. What kept us friends all these years? I believe it’s because we did’t measure each other by standards of material success but we kept each other true to who we were and what we learnt in Hwa Chong – that the right thing to do is to do what is right, to work hard and to do good for the people we meet; and for society. With this mantra, we have gone on to contribute at a national level, and others even at an international level.

I am always intrigued by the notion that we take off from the same starting line when we leave school, yet thereafter, where life leads us depends on the decisions we make. For myself, after Junior College, I chose to study Medicine – not for any special reason except that I thought I would like to work with people and, of course, because my parents really wanted me to. Yes it was hard work, it was very, very hard work. I remembered one Saturday night as a House officer on call at the hospital and received pages from my friends to come out to play. I was thinking to myself “What am I doing here?”. But I committed myself to it, giving my best, one patient at a time. Slowly but surely I gained an interest and then a passion for the work.

My wife always teased me about this - I had told her early on that I never wanted to work in the hospital if I could and I would never do admin work. I thought what I always wanted was to be in the frontline taking care of patients in the community. Well I did do that but I was wrong as that was not the destination for me but only part of the journey. Life kept moving on and here I am standing before you a hospital administrator - exactly what I said I did not want to be and finding that I love the work anyway. I have been given that rare chance of being part of a team to start Jurong Health Services, the newest health cluster in Singapore. So never say "Never!" Be open to opportunities because you never know what life is going to offer you.

Today standing here, I see myself as an explorer who has gone ahead of you into the big wide world out there; and you’re asking me “What did you see? What is out there waiting for us?”

I bring you good news – the world out there is big and wide and wonderful. There is no limit to what you can see, hear, learn and experience. To me, the greatest tragedy is that people can feel bored and become jaded. Why do people feel limited by life?  I see them limited first by the fear of not making the perfect choice. There are many good choices around them but they would rather not make any choice at all because they can't be sure which is the perfect one. The truth is that, more often than not, when you come to a fork in the road, there is no way to know which is the perfect path to choose. The world is big enough that rarely does one choice lead you down a one way path to a dead end. Adjustments are possible to every choice made. I do not mean that we need to make decisions hastily, that we roll a dice and see what life dishes out. As you shall hear later, my wife bemoans the speed I make life decisions but I do make them eventually; and I've never known in any of these if they were the perfect choice or not but I must say most of them have turned out pretty good!

A second thing to note is that … … people who make choices don’t commit enough to their choices. When it came to marriage, of course I wanted to choose my life partner well. I was careful - that took time and my wife tells me now that many times she almost gave up hope that I would even make a choice but of course I did eventually…  Now 15 years and 4 kids later, we’re still very much in love. Yet, it’s never what Hollywood makes you think - it's not all candlelight dinners and roses. Making a good choice is only the first half of it. It is our daily commitment to make our marriage work - through good times, fun times, but also fierce quarrels, stresses, sickness, and disappointments – it is this commitment to our choices that makes the good choices the right choice.

Whether it’s relationships, work, friends and life in general – choosing and committing to that is the key to a fulfilling life. I do not want to misrepresent myself - the good life does not have to be an unwavering stream of happiness and good fortune. This is too narrow a definition of success and such lives can be boring. We know and I have seen in the patients I have treated, people who have chosen to be honourable, kind, faithful, patient and committed inspite of terrible tragedies in life. It is through these choices that they continue to live their lives with dignity and not be bitter or angry with life.

And so now it just remains for me to wish everyone here, good journeys, good friends, good choices and a good life. I leave you with this quote from Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkein:

““Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.”

Marie and Me - Part 2 (The Arguments)

"Commitment is not an emotion; it's a character quality that enables us to reach our goals. Human emotions go up and down all the time, but commitment has to be rock solid. There are some things every leaders needs to know about being committed: 1. It usually is discovered amid adversity; 2. It does not depend on gifts or abilities; 3. It comes as the result of choice, not conditions; 4. It lasts when it's based on values (from Leadership" - Promises for Every day, John C. Maxwell)

Nobody told us about this ...
Of all the advice Marie and I received before we got married, nobody told us we would have to argue. Okay, we didn't HAVE to but we did; and the truth is we argued quite a bit. Now 15 years down the road we know that the arguments, however unpleasant, were an integral part of the process that made our marriage strong. Getting married without such awareness and possessing the normal person's general distaste for arguments, there were many times we wondered if there was anything seriously wrong with us.

Why do love birds quarrel?

What did we argue about? Well all sorts of things. I suppose no different from what other couples would have argued about. Seemingly inane things like "Why didn't you help me find my car keys?", "Why do you drop your clothes on the floor and not pick them up?"; to more significant things like how we spent our money or whose turn it was to take care of the crying baby in the middle of the night. 


(Marie: Yes, what did we argue about?

Expectations:  We both had (perhaps still have) high expectations of each other and we wanted each other to meet them right away!  Expectations like knowing what to do in a crisis, when to help out, what to say when the other is feeling elated/downcast/angry/irritated, what to receive as a birthday present, what to do on a holiday, what to do on a weekend afternoon, what to do when the baby is crying...  The thing about expectations is that we have a desired response in our minds but we do not articulate it and hope the other party will read our minds and deliver.  Of course, that's a landmine waiting to explode every time! 

Finances:  We kept quiet about finances for a long time.  Perhaps we believed that it was not polite to comment on each other's financial choices.  Perhaps it was because I still had some money stashed away in my own private account.  But to converge with each other as marriage draws a couple in, we could not remain silent about our differences in spending and saving.  In our case, when we made the choice to have one income, we ultimately had to talk and often confront each other about money.  We pulled several late-nighters over money.  I recall a major one over buying a new TV - did we have to wait until our trusty 25" CRT Sony TV finally died before we could get a slimline wide-screen TV?  This argument was emblematic of our money differences.  Chi Hong is frugal and carefully considers how he spends his money.  I love to shop and have often made impulse buys only to regret later.)



Parallel Lives
One night we were both woken up by Joshua's crying in the middle of the night. As a baby, Joshua probably cried the most of the 4 boys - the fault of his first time, overly attentive parents. Marie went to attend to him. It took a while to settle him so by the time she returned to our room I had fallen asleep. She was furious and said that if I didn't help her at least I could have waited up for her. That ended in a late night argument (one of the worst types). On my part I felt aggrieved. I had had a hard day at work and was looking to another one in 6 hours' time. I felt she didn't appreciate my efforts to provide for the family. She in turn felt that I was overly committed to my work and that she bore the burdens of raising our burgeoning family alone.

We came up with this term "parallel lives". We felt like two people living together in the same home but not able to connect. It didn't feel good. In fact it felt very isolating to know that my life partner and I could not find convergence. We asked our friends if they had experienced the same thing but they said 'no'. We wondered what we were doing wrong. In retrospect, this feeling was no more than two people pulling in towards each and finding that to live together as a married couple, there was much more we had to learn about each other. The root cause of our arguments was really one person standing there asking the other, "Do you hear me, do you understand me, do you know my inner most wants and needs? Do you acknowledge it and will you be willing to do something about it (not necessarily solve it)?" and finding the other person not understanding, not perceiving the need; and sometimes even disparaging it.

Quality and "Quantity" Time
All we really needed was time. There was no other way. We should have shown each other grace and given each other the time and space but we were angry and impatient with each other instead. To have time meant we had to stick to our marriage. Perhaps the best piece of advice we got before marriage was - "If you don't want to divorce, don't entertain it as an option". I remember going to work one day after another argument and thinking "Why is this so hard?" but thank God I stuck to it.

The good news is that marriage is never static when you're working hard at it. It started getting easier when we got into our third and fourth year of marriage (Marie thought it was much later - she's always had a better memory for the details). We started to understand each other; and we learnt how to argue. The most important thing we understood about each other was that we were both trying our best. As Marie said, the irony was that we were working ourselves to the bone and yet not recognising each other's effort. Many times we suppressed our own needs till we could stand it no longer. Then we would explode in angry screams for attention. Understanding and trusting that Marie was trying her best at all times was an epiphany for me. I realised that when I thought she didn't care it was because I did not understand her words or actions; not because she couldn't be bothered. We also learnt that the issue that caused the argument was the common enemy, not each other. Therefore we argued to defeat the enemy, not each other. 

Discovering the Treasure

Our famous dinner dates

Friends have asked why Marie and I go out on dinner dates so frequently? The answer is simple - it's because we enjoy each other's company. After all, we were only married 3 months before a spark of life appeared in Marie's belly (that spark of life is now a teenager who sprawls on the sofa and leaves no space for others). The children are well trained to know that it's pointless to ask to come along when it's Mom and Dad's special time. Arguments in themselves have no value unless they help you to understand your loved one and yourself better. Through our arguments, we broke through our superficial understanding of each other and found beneath the surface an even greater treasure trove of that special something that attracted us to each other in the first place. Then we realised that arguments weren't the only way to learn more about each other. There were so many more pleasant ways. 

The other day we were at this restaurant "Xi Yan" celebrating our anniversary. The manager offered us a reward if we could guess the five ingredients in their "Tang Yuen"(glutinous balls). I rolled my eyes and popped them into my mouth straight away but Marie rose to the challenge as she would when it came to any culinary matters. She managed to guess four out of the five ingredients. My wife amuses and intrigues me in so many small and big ways every day. I have learnt to observe her because it is a great prize to know her intimately. A friend noted that whenever we're in the same space we are constantly talking to each other, updating each other on the latest bits of information. Why not when there is no end of things we could talk ( nowadays I even have to fight with the boys for time to speak to Marie)? 

Time apart was also opportunity to discover things about each other. Marie and I enjoy holidays differently. She likes to explore cities and their histories. I like doing nothing, absolutely nothing, lying by the beach, napping in the hotel room. We realised we didn't always have to spend holidays together and get on each other's nerves. We've spent several holidays apart and have come back with more things to talk about. It's not conventional and some people can't believe we do that but it works for us. That's what matters.

A Sign of Life
To me, sometimes it is a good sign when people argue because it shows that they are emotionally invested. In our early years of marriage, we could have just given up, rolled to our own sides of the bed and gone to sleep. We would have argued less but what would that have gotten us? Probably nothing but a slow death of our marriage. Our inner most thoughts that should have been articulated would have been buried deeper and deeper beneath an external veneer of "we are ok". That is probably how many marriages turned cold and die over the years.

The Last Laugh

15 years later and wiser (we hope)

Marie and I still don't agree on our room aircon temperature and fan speed. I like it warmer and on auto-speed. Marie likes it colder and on medium-speed. Well, we have found a happy compromise in a nice blanket. I think that one day if Marie were to go to heaven before me and I no longer had to quibble over the room temperature with her, I would keep the colder aircon setting to remind me of her. I would even miss the quibbling ... I guess that's what a good marriage is about!



"I have loved her even when I hated her ... only married couples will understand that one" (Cal Weaver in Crazy, Stupid, Love)

Cupid - Daniel Powter
but every now and then I'll start to slip away
I gotta' hear you say

Take me out spin me around
We can laugh when we both fall down
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
When I sing out of key
Still play air guitar for me
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
Don't it feel all kind of right

Marie and Me - How it started ( a look back 15 years later)

Keeping a Promise
I promised last year that I would write about how Marie and I fell in love; and I'm late because it's already this year and I've not written it yet. As they say, better late than never - so here is the story ... or what I can remember of it anyway. Marie's always been the one who has the memory for the details. (Marie: That's because I kept a journal and recorded EVERY detail.  Yes, I'm a scary wife!)

We celebrated Valentine's Day at Lawry's this year as a 15-year-married couple. As we sat at the table enjoying the excellent food, we had a heartfelt conversation about what we had learnt in our years together. I was amazed, as I constantly am, that we have come this far and are still enjoying each other's company because it didn't always and still doesn't always feel like that.

Celebrating 15 Years!

If I can make one statement about what I have learnt it's this - "A great marriage starts with attraction but it's hard work that builds it for the years."

How it all Began
The first time I knew of Marie's existence was at a church meeting. Honestly, it was not love at first sight. Maybe God knew we were both not ready. Christian names weren't all that popular then and there I was this Chinese school boy thinking what's this girl doing without a Chinese name? And that was that ...
The second time we met was when the attraction began. We were on a church mission trip with a group of people and my eye kept being drawn to a little brown purse that Marie clutched in her hand. Out of this purse came intriguing things like tissue paper, money etc. There seemed to be no end to the things that could come out of it (Marie would tell me much later that the purse was an Esprit purse and it was black not brown, which just goes to show you how poor my memory is for such things). By the time Marie knew of my attraction to it, she had already thrown the purse away so I've never actually held that purse in my hand. Marie tells me what caught her eye of me was this guy who went around offering people biscuits and cookies out of a plastic box (I was trained in the military to always have food on hand - you never knew when you would need a snack!); and not just normal cookies but coloured wafers. "Now who in the world would do that?", she thought. (Marie: Those were garishly coloured Arnott's wafers.  I didn't take one but I did accept a chocolate he offered the next day. Chi Hong: Just to show how much Marie loves me - she bought me 4 boxes of these wafers when she was in Australia last year).

These started it off ...

After the trip we followed up with an 'outing' to watch a play and  I swear to this day that I didn't know it was Valentine's Day; and that it was incidental that I gave her a hand-made heart-shaped woven basket (I bought the kit and I didn't know the basket would turn out heart-shaped!) (Marie said to clarify that this was not our first date. Our first date was dinner at Prego).

I would have liked to have written ... and that was that - the rest is history; but that was not to be. As Marie has complained to me over the years - I certainly took my time to decide. (Marie: It was a whole year from going on the first date to going steady!) This is where it gets a bit fuzzy for me but she can remember every detail like it happened yesterday - how she made Tiramisu for me TWICE (Marie: TWICE!!) and I seemed unmoved, how her friend told her I was interested in some other girl, how I stood her up when we were supposed to meet up after a big church thing .... but each time she was ready to give up on me somehow I did something to pull her back again.

There was certainly Attraction
Marie was definitely attractive. She was intelligent and we could carry on long conversations on many different topics. We had common interests - books, movies, food. We didn't have the same taste in music (Jazz & Rock Soul / Motown vs Country *Marie says I got it wrong - not rock. Edited post publish) but we both agreed on James Taylor. We both believed in being committed to God. I remember this happened shortly after we had gone steady (it's out of sync with the flow here but it illustrates my point). We were all dressed up at a wedding dinner and I was returning to the table after a toilet break. Marie caught my eye and I thought 'Who's that pretty lady at my table?" With a start, I realised, this was my girlfriend and at that instant I was filled with this really warm, nice feeling. 

'Well you can't have a dream , 
And cut it to fit 
But when I saw you, I knew 
We go together, like a wink and a smile'  
From the song - A Wink and a Smile, sung by Harry Connick, Jr in the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle'

Those dating days ...

In my own defence as to why I took so long to decide - I knew we were not getting any younger and that if I committed myself to the relationship, I wanted it to work. To be committed, I needed to feel intuitively that the relationship was right, that somehow it fit, that we could go the distance. A large part of this was waiting for God to confirm it for me - and I've said this to Marie many times and I say it again here - it was God who took HIS time, not me. (Marie:?????)

There was no thunderclap the day I felt sure. I remembered going to Marie's place and was lying on her couch and it just felt like home - not really the place per se but I knew that Marie was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of every day; and this time, that was that - I was sure from that time onward and the rest was history.

Things progressed well enough after that. My parents were only little too eager to get their first daughter-in-law. When I announced to them that I was going steady with Marie after thinking about it for a while, my Dad said, "What's there to think about? If it's right, it's right."  I conspired with Marie's mom to steal one of her rings from her dresser so that I could buy her an engagement ring but of course nothing escaped Marie's eagle eyes so she was already waiting eagerly by the time I presented it to her on bended knees at a lake in Tasmania (what's the name of that lake dear?) (Marie: That was another half year wait...and it was Dove lake, my dear husband!)

The wedding and honeymoon were great. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Don't get me wrong - Marie and I, we enjoy the romantic part of a love relationship as much as the other person. We did (and still do) all the romantic stuff - movies, the dinners out, flowers, presents, concerts (James Taylor live in Singapore!). I still take peeks at Martha Stewart Wedding Magazines at the bookshop and we both harbour a secret wish that our children will one day organise another wedding for us to renew our vows (though with 4 boys ....). But over the years when we've quarreled, we've never stopped because we remembered how lovely our wedding was. We've come to the conclusion that (as we say in science) the relationship between a lavish wedding and a happy marriage is not statistically significant.

Committed to Loving for Life
After all, honestly, how difficult is it to look good, to be nice and considerate for the 3 or 4 hours when you're together on a date? And the wedding is really the epitome of a great date. When the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off and when the honeymoon is over, Marie discovered that the guy lying next to her snored so loudly that she couldn't sleep; and then the kids come and we fought over who's turn it was to stay up -  that's when the love lessons really began. (Marie: I wore ear plugs the first couple of years until I managed to train Chi Hong to sleep on his side.  Occasionally, I still have to contend with those snores then I jab him in the side and he turns over.  Love Lesson # 1:  Train your husband not to snore. Chi Hong: I thought my snore lull you to sleep these days ...) 

For better or for worse ...

I will be the first to admit that I love Hollywood romantic comedies - "When Harry Met Sally" (Marie and my favourite movie), "Sleepless in Seattle", "You've Got Mail", "Notting Hill" ... I could never understand in the past why so many of these actors and actresses could act out these love stories but then have such horrible personal lives.  Maybe for them too when the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off ... they forget that real life was not so pretty after all.

What was that wedding vow? "...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;  from this day forward  until death do us part". It is now 15 years later that I am beginning to understand the significance of these words ... The vow is to learn love and make it real through the ups and downs of  a life together. It's ironic how we often think the beautiful marriages are the airbrushed, jet setting ones rather than the ones with the messiness of life, kids, happiness and even tragedies.

Before marriage I thought - I was a good guy, I knew how to be nice, I knew how to buy flowers, I did all the romantic stuff like in the movies. It was after marriage that I realised what a selfish, horrible person I could be. There was so much I needed to learn about loving and living with this woman whom I have committed to for the rest of our lives together.

Building a Marriage with God
It is a great challenge to love in this way. I don't trust myself to succeed without help. But we know that when we trust God and follow His way - there is hope; and not just wishful hoping but hope that is real because it is grounded in Him. Psalms 127 : 1-2 reminds us that our own work is futile unless God is working with us. In marriage, the human relationship that God treasures because it reflects the relationship He wants with us, there is every hope that we will be blessed when we build it in His Way and with His Help.

Unless the Lord builds a house,

    the work of the builders is wasted.

Unless the Lord protects a city,

    guarding it with sentries will do no good.

It is useless for you to work so hard

    from early morning until late at night,

anxiously working for food to eat;

    for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Psalms 127: 1-2

The rest of this story - akan datang (or coming soon).

"When Harry Met Sally"

Love-Obedience

The one that refused to be written

I had hoped to publish this particular blog much earlier. However, after writing and several re-writes, it just refused to come out right. In the end I had no choice but to put it aside when other more pressing matters demanded my time and attention.

What I know now is that the blog wouldn't come out right because I had tried to write it with my own cleverness rather than what God had wanted to say. At church service recently, God prompted me that time had come to publish the blog with His revisions. When Pastor preached, I was struck by the similarity his sermon had with what God wanted me to write. It seemed that He really wanted us to know this.

If you love me ...

The point is this - we can say with our mouths we love God, we can feel emotional singing songs about loving Him but it is ultimately our actions in obedience to God that makes real our love. In John 14:23 in the Bible, Jesus said, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them." (via BibleGateway.com)

As I am learning, much is revealed of the true intentions of our hearts by our willingness to obey Him.

... Organise a Barbeque

Last December, God asked our prayer group to do a simple thing. He wanted us to organise a barbecue (BBQ) to celebrate His goodness; and He wanted us to invite our neighbours to join in the celebration.

When Marie first shared with the group that God had prompted her that He wanted us to do this, we all responded with great enthusiasm.  Each one of us volunteered to contribute in different ways. I said I would put together a gift pack for the neighbourhood kids. I wanted to get these bookmarks with different colours to explain the Gospel message from the Christian bookshop. The bookshop staff tried very hard to help me but just could not find them. I ended up buying some small Christian cards and rulers with the Books of the Bible on them - not quite what I had wanted.

A small hiccup...

When I couldn't find those bookmarks, I felt discouraged. Before that, everything was fine, I was enthusiastic about the BBQ.  But after, I was asking myself, "Why are we organising this BBQ? Don't we have enough things to do?" I felt tired just thinking about the BBQ. Why did we agree to this? 

With such a small bump in the road, I decided that I no longer wanted to do this simple thing for God. He did not ask me to face hungry lions, He did not ask me to declare my faith before a firing squad, He did not ask me to sell everything I had to follow Him. He asked me to organise a simple BBQ and I wanted to give up when a minor hiccup occurred. 

What did this really say about my love for Him? Yes, certainly Marie and I have a very packed schedule with 4 children to take care of. Many people would understand if we said we found it tough to get through the day, let alone organise a BBQ and invite neighbours to join in. 

Love is going that extra mile

As I struggled with the idea of the BBQ, God asked me, "Chi Hong, why are you so distressed by this BBQ? The only thing I want you to do is to celebrate and give thanks for the blessings I gave to you this past year. Is it really that difficult just to be happy and have fun?"

God's Words struck home. If I couldn't be happy for God, what else could I do for Him? In the midst of my busy daily life, if I were not willing to go out of the way for God, what did that say of my love for Him?

As I read the Bible, God continued to encourage me with the account of the boy with five loaves of bread and two fish. His small, seemingly insignificant offering was used by Jesus to feed five thousand people. God didn't mind that I didn't get it just right. God doesn't always ask us for great sacrifices. He calls us to offer our limited, finite acts of love in exchange for His infinite, boundless love. 

So I said to God, "These rulers and cards in the gift packs, these are my loaves and fish, use it to do Your work." In God's hands, who knows what wonders would be accomplished? 

Blessed Success ...

As it turned out, the BBQ was a great success! The weather was perfect, the BBQ fire lit, the food turned out great and the kids had great fun! In the days running up to it, Marie invited three boys in the neighbourhood. On the day itself, the boys called one of their playmates to come along, whose mother then came along to see what was happening. Two families living in the nearby blocks whom we didn't know so well attended. The uncle who managed the BBQ pits dropped by with his grandchildren.  My parents came and were prayed for by Sarah and Gen from our prayer group. For myself, I had decided before the meeting that I would not just say general festive words but specifically declare God's work in our lives - how He had lead us to live in this part of the island and directed us specifically to this particular flat. I thank God it came out naturally in my conversation. We didn't share the 5 steps to salvation but we hope spiritual seeds were sown in the hearts of the people who came. Overall there was just a great sense of fellowship and joy. Of course, the gift packs were given out ...and no one complained about them (phew!). 

My prayer group learnt a small lesson about loving God. We felt a spiritual high.

Even Greater Lessons
However, I realised it would be simplistic to think that God's lessons would always be at this beginner level. He would call us to deeper and deeper love lesson. He would call us to obey when it did not seem logical nor emotionally possible to do so.

In our country recently, two boys - the only two children of a family - were crushed to death under the wheels of a cement mixer on the road. 

Their parents were heart broken and the tragedy gained the sympathy of many people. What could have been another run-of-the-mill sad story caught the attention of many more people because of what the parents did. They consistently declared the message of forgiveness in-spite of their grief - forgiveness for the driver of the truck, forgiveness for the netizens who posted photos of their sons' mangled bodies online and made unkind remarks. 

It was plain from media photos that they were Christians and it was clear why they did what they did - simple obedience to God. There is no need to belabour how difficult it must have been for them to repeatedly appear in the media sincerely declaring forgiveness when inwardly their hearts had broken into a million pieces (as the father said in an interview).

 A totally illogical response - to forgive and to show grace when the world would not blame them to hate and to show anger. What this resulted in was an unbelievable outpouring of support, encouragement and empathy from different people, race and religion in the community. One reporter in the Chinese paper even wrote in his article how he was moved by this couples' sincerity and wished them that their faith would carry them through. In my opinion, this one incident had helped many more people see God's love and grace after the bundle of negative headlines that involved Christians in the past year.

Some people would say, "What of the parents? Was God fair to them? Why did God allow this to happen?" I tell you this - when God sends out His angels to minister to the hurting today, who do you think He will think of first? These two parents will learn first hand of the love of God and what Jesus meant when He said, "Blessed are you who hunger now,for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh." Luke 6:21.It seems unfair because we think life ends on this finite earth; that everything wrong should be made right before we leave this earth. But what if our lives on earth is transient and heaven is forever? What if it is not just wishful thinking but a fact that their boys are in heaven now - happier than they would ever be here on earth? Would it seem less unfair then in the whole scheme of things?

In this day and age of increasing cynicism about God's message of salvation for us, perhaps what Christians need to do is not talk more about it but to do more of it - to obey-love God more. It is our obedience that will make real our love for God; and more importantly, for God's love to be made real to us; and not just to us but to those around us. As in the BBQ experience showed me, I still have much to learn about loving God. It is a lesson that I will strive to learn every single day.

I end with quotes from this article from a friend, Rev. Chiang Ming Shun, a Methodist pastor, who wrote in Impact Magazine: 

"...We need to mobilise the laity to be Christians in the world, in their workplaces, in the schools, in business...I mean that everybody should start behaving and thinking more like Christians should in the world. We should be bringing values like love, forgiveness, grace into the workplace.

... it is not the case that Christianity has been tried and found wanting; rather it is that Christianity has been found difficult and therefore not tried." 

"Too Many Running the Church - Too Few being the Church", Impact magazine, Vol 36 No. 6 (Dec + Jan 2013), Rev Chiang Ming Shun

As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out—the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry.” Luke 7: 12-13

Video of the sad accident (sorry if it don't work, try the link instead)
Link: www.razor.tv search for 'Boys in fatal Tampines accident will be missed'