Receiving PSLE Results - A Third Time (Reflections and Thoughts)

It's That Time of the Year Again

In 2011, 2013, and this year in 2015, I've had a son return to his school to collect results for that all important exam we call the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination). The results determine the chance of the child to get into the school and programme of his (or maybe his parents?) choice.
I have written about my experience with the PSLE for my two older boys in these two blogs:
PSLE Blog 1 and PSLE Blog 2; and as promised I am now writing about my experience a third time round.

Been There, Done That? Or Not?

My PSLE Journey with Jonah

This being the third time, I knew what to expect when we went to the school to collect Jonah's results:
1. All start in the auditorium for the announcement of the top scorers in the school - check
2. Parents to wait outside the classrooms for each boy to receive his results from his teacher - check
3. Jonah gets his results, no crying, confirm he is ok - check
4. Praise and congratulate him - check
5. Time for celebratory lunch - check

It would have been easy for me to take things for granted this third time round thinking that I already know exactly what to expect; and I would have done my son and myself a big disservice. Certainly knowing what was ahead did make some things easier. I thought I was quite cool when I was in school waiting for Jonah's results. In some other things though knowing did not mean that I had learnt a better attitude or response this third time round.

Fear - the common denominator?

I learnt from the past that many of my actions to get the boys to study was borne out of fear. I was anxious that this one exam would make or break their future. It was like that 35 years ago when I took this very same exam. My parents gave me dire warnings that if I didn't do well I would end up in schools (called 'Star Schools' then) that only took in non-performers who couldn't make it anywhere else. My results were certainly no where near that desperate but if it made me study harder ... It is still like that these days, if not worse. Parents complain about the unbearable burden and unrealistic expectations of the system on our children yet we push our children to keep up with, if not exceed, the rest of the herd for fear of losing out. Fear drove me to scold Jonah to get him to study. I had already seen from the first two times how too much scolding was counter-productive. It made them lose interest and self-motivation to study. It broke their confidence.Yet it was easy to convince myself that my actions were justified again this time round - if I didn't scold, would he study? And if he didn't study, what would become of him? 

When I took him through his lessons I started to see in Jonah's eyes  that look of apprehension when he didn't get the answers right and my voice started to rise in volume and pitch. He developed a nervous tic with his fingers. At times I would joke that I was expecting a "A*" from him for his science subject as proof that I could open a tuition centre as a second career. I said this jokingly but when I said it over and over again it must have just added to his stress although he didn't say anything about it.

This Old Dog can still learn New Tricks

While I had not fully learnt my own lessons this third time round, thankfully at least I had learnt enough from the first two rounds to make me pause. I didn't want Jonah to remember the PSLE as the "annus horribilis" - the horrible year when all he had was scolding after scolding. This should have been the year that he knew of my love and support; and more importantly, to personally experience God's love and support. All I had been doing was reminding him over and over again how he wasn't good enough and how he would damage his own future. I was transferring my own fears to him and making them his fears.

God's Love!

The story of Jacob from the Bible - Jonah's drawing on the left and mine is
on the right. This particular one on "how to sleep in peace".

So I decided to start reading the Bible with him. I wanted Jonah to hear God's voice and not mine in the run up to the exam. I was prompted by God to choose the story of Jacob in the Bible. Why else would I choose this character of the many from the Bible? I would have thought that this man, a shepherd who lived centuries ago had nothing in common with 12 year old, living in modern day Jonah. Jacob was not the most honest man - he cheated his brother of his birth right and his business dealings were suspect. He constantly lived in fear of those who would seek revenge. He was raised to believe that if he wanted to succeed in life he had to grasp at things with his own wit and cunning. He didn't fit our traditional idea of a man who deserved God's blessing. Yet God blessed Jacob because he clung to God. "Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord[f] will be my God." (Genesis 29: 20 - 21)". It seems we have a God who cannot deny us when we cling to Him.


If I had not ceased my own frenzied scolding, then all Jonah would have heard would have been my angry voice. When I stopped so that we could hear God, I was amazed how many times God said to Jonah, "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you". Each day Jonah and I drew what God impressed upon us from reading the day's reading and saved these drawings into a book.

This book is a precious collection of all the verses, pictures
that Jonah and I wrote down and drew in the months running up to the PSLE.
I told him "Grab this book and run out with it if the house ever catches fire!"

If I did anything right this time round, reading the Bible with Jonah was probably at the top of the list. Hearing God for himself and feeling it in his heart gave Jonah a peace that exceeded the effect of our human reassurance before and during the the exam. A friend said she was amazed when she saw photos on Facebook of Jonah playing with his younger brother on the eve of his exams. 

Everyone for himself?

When we place the outcome of our children's futures solely on their shoulders and theirs alone, we place an unbearable burden on them. Can we, even as adults, assure ourselves of secure futures based entirely on our own efforts, controlled by our own hands? The Bible teaches us that our future is secure only because it is in God's hands, not because of good PSLE Scores. Even if the child scores well, let us not forget what God says : "You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today." (Deuteronomy 8:17-18)." Salvation comes through the God of the universe, not finding a good tuition teacher.

True or False? 

Question: "Good PSLE grades = Happy Life; Bad PSLE grades = Sad Life".

Answer: "False".

One other thing that I have learnt from these exams - you might not get the scores you want but it's really not the end of the world. Neither of Jonah's older brothers scored exactly what they had hoped to score (or what we had hoped they would score); and we all experienced disappointment of sorts. In retrospect Marie (my wife) and I felt that the exam was a good gauge of our sons' abilities. Their scores helped to place them in schools that were a good fit for them. They have since found their footing in their respective schools - they have pursued their interests, developed their gifts, grown in character and increased in their leadership abilities. They are happy where they are. You really don't need to top the class lists to have a good secondary school experience.

Jonah wasn't in the top scorer list in his school. He didn't get that "A*" for his science subject that I had hoped for but he did well enough to get into the school of his choice; and that is good enough for me. As I said to him "God gave you good enough marks so that you can get into the school of your choice; and low enough to keep you humble." More importantly, he didn't just get a year of scoldings. What he got instead is a book collecting God's promises to love him and take care of him, which he personally experienced. This is a wonderful foundation and milestone for the rest of his life.

Redeemed

In this past year, the word "Redeemed" and its other forms - "Redemption", "Redemptive" appeared repeatedly in what I've heard and read . If I have a chance to speak to the powers that be in of our local education system (and who knows I may actually have a chance) I will tell them that I believe our system has gone off course. The PSLE is no longer a tool to assess but to judge; and with judgement came condemnation - "not good enough". Three words we fear and teach our children to fear at their tender young age. 

Our education system should be redemptive. It should not judge but assess accurately the abilities of our children with an end point of discovering how to harness their full potential. The technocrats call this "value adding schools". The Bible calls it "Redemption". 

Happy after the exams!

In Conclusion:

This conclusion took a long time to write because it just wouldn't come out right. I had wanted to write "The World judges but God doesn't judge"; and it struck me that it wouldn't come out right because I was writing only a half truth. The truth is this "The World judges and God also judges but ultimately it is only God's opinion that really matters".

We cringe at that statement because it is no longer in vogue these days to talk about God the Judge. We only want to hear about God who is love and grace. We think God can only either judge or love love but we find it hard to grasp that we have a God who is both Judge AND Love. 

Our God describes Himself as the "Shepherd who seeks out the lost sheep", the "Father who waits then runs eagerly to embrace the wayward returning son", the "Mother who comforts her repentant children". Our God's Love is all the more glorious and magnificent because He is also the Judge; not less. He judges but His heart of compassion is always reaching out to those of us who are "not good enough". If that was not so then why do we celebrate Christmas, why do we celebrate Jesus who came to earth to die on the cross? His coming, His works and His death on the cross is the ultimate declaration and solution both to God's Holy Judgement and Perfect Love. 

I listened in on a junior doctor telling a medical student in the hospital the other day that "no matter how good you are, somewhere along the way of your medical career you will fail a test or an exam. It's just the nature of things." So it seems if by your efforts in academia, your good Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) records, your list of leadership roles, your good school testimonies, when you finally get into Medical School (the dream of many parents for their children) the fear of being found "not good enough" still awaits you.

God did not come to help us succeed by the World's standards against all odds. He came so that we no longer need fear being judged by the World's standards. He came so that we succeed by His standards instead. In Jesus, we can always be found "good enough" for Him. As Jacob learnt, as I am learning; and as Jonah and His brothers are learning, it seems all we have to do is to cling to God and He will do the rest. Perfect peace at last. Amen.

God Hears Our Cries

Birthday Breakfast

                 Happy Breakfast Birthday!               

It was one of my sons' birthday and Marie had planned a zoo trip because it was also a school holiday. Not knowing about the school holiday until too late, I didn't manage to take leave from work. I was feeling somewhat guilty about it and managed to shift things around my calendar so that we could have a birthday breakfast celebration together.

The breakfast was going fine until the end when we looked up and noticed that the sky had turned dark. Even before I finished saying, "Don't know if it will ...", it started to thunder and rain. For this particular son of mine, birthdays were the paramount social event of the year. His expectation for this to be the perfect day had soared to a crescendo when it was brought crashing down into a bottomless pit; and he began to cry.

Crying Children

The rain that derailed the Zoo plans

Now I hope you will not judge Marie and I harshly. As parents of four boys, we have very little patience for children who fuss or cry. What is worse than having one child cry is having two children cry at the same time (not to mention three) - and they don't always cry about the same things. While dealing with the crying ones, the others who are not crying still need to be tended to. We very quickly move into the "zip it" or face the consequences mode. I think for me at least, my patience with their crying got less as they grew up. So in this instance, statements like "You're a teenager now ...", "You need to learn that there will be disappointments in life ..." and so forth came out from our mouths very quickly. Unfortunately the clouds were also not helping that day - they just got darker and darker, like the mood at the table.

How God Would Respond to Crying?

After the incident I reflected upon my response to my son's crying. Did it mirror how I thought God would respond to me whenever I came to Him with life's disappointments and regrets? Would He tell me to "zip it" or that "Life is tough and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger?". 

In response, God brought me back to the story of Hannah in the Bible (in 1 Samuel Chapter 1 - 2). Here was a woman who, at the start of the story, was unremarkable. She was one of two wives of a man. She was stuck in an unenviable situation of having no children while her counterpart had a brood. Therefore she had to endure constant taunts at home. Even though her husband loved her tenderly, it could not fill the deep emptiness her barrenness had left in her heart. 

Every year, the family when to Jerusalem for the annual rituals. In one of those years when her torment had been particularly difficult, as the Bible recorded, " In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." The priest in the temple thought she was drunk as he watched her pray (why are we always so judgemental of people who express their grief in public?). As Hannah explained to him: “Not so, my lord, I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” (1 Samuel 1: 15 - 16)

Sometimes Blue Skies are just round the corner

To cut to the chase, God heard Hannah's desperate cry to Him. Shortly after, she conceived and bore a son who would have a significant role in Israel's history; and thereafter she bore more children. No wonder in 1 Samuel 2: 1-2, Hannah sang a song of praise to God:

“The Lord has filled my heart with joy;

    how happy I am because of what he has done!

I laugh at my enemies;

    how joyful I am because God has helped me!

“No one is holy like the Lord;

    there is none like him,

    no protector like our God."

Never too small for God

For all intents and purposes, Hannah was not considered to have been of any significance in her society during the culture of her time; and her prayers to have a child to shed her shame was not exactly world changing. It would have been fair to wonder why God should even listen to her much less answer her prayer? But He did. I think the point is this - whether it is the deep desires of a woman for a child or the wish of a birthday teen to have a zoo outing, God hears us. Sometimes we are wrongly led to believe that either we are of no significance or our prayers are overly parochial and self-centred for God to hear us. 

I do not want to make God out to be just a Santa Claus up there in the sky who is there to make our every wish come true. I believe neither are we spoilt kids who throw tantrums when we don't get exactly what we want. Growing up my parents would say whenever I was in the toy shop "You can see but you cannot ask to buy." Not every desire is wrong and we often bury these deep because we've been taught from young it's wrong to want. What we really long for is that someone, no less the God of the universe, to hear us and acknowledge our deepest cries, our keenest needs as valid and worthy. Knowing that we have been heard is what we really want. We can also trust that after hearing He will take the best course of action on our behalf. As the Christian author Josh McDowell said "He who knows you best, loves you most".

Happily ...

As a happy ending, while the skies didn't clear quick enough for my son to have his birthday zoo trip, they spent a terrific few hours at a shopping mall and capped off the day with a ride in a cable car when the sun and blue skies returned several hours later. He didn't get exactly what he wanted but he agreed that in the end it was a terrific day after all.

As I learnt, God always hears us when we cry and has compassion on us. I pray that He will also give me that compassion the next time my children cry in front of me.

Happy Ending to a wonderful Birthday Outing!

All Bible Verses NIV unless otherwise stated and viewed from BibleGateway.com

"Who Are You Looking For?"

Power of Love Church Facebook Page

This was a sermon that I preached when a good friend invited me to do so at the 

Power of Love Church in Hua Hin, Thailand. Do visit if you're ever in that area!

               

               

Bible Reading:

Thank you for your invitation to visit your church and to offer me this opportunity to preach.

Our reading today from the Bible is from John Chapter 20. I am reading from the New International Version (NIV).

Verse 1 Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 

Verse 11 Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb...

Verse 14 to 16 … she turned around and saw Jesus standing there,but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

 He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

¹⁶ Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).

Introduction

The scene is familiar to us – Jesus had died on the cross and three days later he had arisen from the dead. But for the first century Christians who still did not understand what had happened, the empty tomb had caused fear, anxiety and confusion. Not only was their beloved leader and teacher dead, his body had apparently been stolen.

Jesus frequently asks us sharp questions that reveal the truth in our hearts:

“Mary”, He asked, “why are you crying? ^“Who is it you are looking for?”. 
“Why are you crying?” meaning why are you sad, worried or anxious?. 
“Who is it you are looking for?” meaning “Who do you look for when you are sad, worried or anxious?”

This is the same question Jesus asks us in our own times of sadness, worry and anxiety:

Why are you sad, worried or anxious? Is it Jesus whom you turn to or someone or something else for help?

We can learn from the Temptation of Christ

When we are in a stressful situation, Satan tempts us to turn away from God to other substitutes. We can learn lessons from how he tempted Jesus in the desert.

In the first temptation, Satan asked Jesus to turn stone into bread because Jesus was hungry. This temptation is for us to turn to physical comfort in times of need.

Food is a common example. There is nothing wrong with food and I look forward to having much good Thai food while I am here! But there are people who eat not because they are hungry but to soothe their worries. Food has become their idol, their ‘god’ in times of stress and anxiety.

In the second temptation, Satan offers to Jesus power over many cities of the world. This is not hard to understand In times of trouble, we look to people with human power or authority to protect us. This can happen at the work place, at home or even in the church.

In the third temptation, Satan tempts Jesus to believe that by his actions, He could control God. In Singapore where I come from, many believe that if we study hard, if we obey all the rules, especially government rules, we will be blessed by God because we are good. Even Christian students and their parent believe that if they study hard, God must bless them with good marks, then good jobs and a good, trouble free life.

I remember when I was 16 years old and taking an important exam in school, I prayed “God, I have worked hard so you must give me all ‘A’s in my exam subjects”. God answered me with another question – “Why do you need ‘A’s when you have Me?”. He would not let me control Him.

He also didn't always give me good marks. In fact from then on, there would always be one or two subjects in my exams that did not get good marks. God wanted me to learn that it is not the good marks but Him that I needed in life.

The Power of Love

Let us return to Jesus’ questions to Mary:

“Why are your crying?”

“Who are you looking for?”

Based on what reasons is Jesus able to promise us that He is the answer to all the problems in our lives?

Based on the fact that He loved us, He suffered for us and died for our sins.

Based on the fact that His death has removed all barriers between us and God.

He speaks gently but the fact is He has returned victorious over death and sin; and God has placed everything under Him (see 1 Corinthians 15: 21 - 28).

Church, when I asked God what message He has for you -

He asked me to remind you of the name of your church: The Power of Love Church

Because - There is Power in Love!

It is not people with guns or money or earthly authority that have power.

It is God’s love that has the true Power to change this world.

As it is written in Romans 8: 37- 39:

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God^(CF) that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

But Jesus not only showed us the amazing, infinite power of the love of God

He also showed us an example of how to live a powerful life of love through humility and service to others. At the last supper with His disciples, Jesus washed their feet. This was a task that we would expect a servant to do. Jesus willingly washed his disciples feet and said “ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.” (John13:15)

As it is also written in 1 John 3: 16 – 18

¹⁶ This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? ¹⁸ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 

Church, God says “You have chosen well the name of your church”. There is power in His Love to change this world. And so I encourage you, go and live your life for Christ in this world. 

His Love through your lives will be the powerful force that will change this world.

Amen

Photo with family & church leaders after sermon

Marie and Me - Part 2 (The Arguments)

"Commitment is not an emotion; it's a character quality that enables us to reach our goals. Human emotions go up and down all the time, but commitment has to be rock solid. There are some things every leaders needs to know about being committed: 1. It usually is discovered amid adversity; 2. It does not depend on gifts or abilities; 3. It comes as the result of choice, not conditions; 4. It lasts when it's based on values (from Leadership" - Promises for Every day, John C. Maxwell)

Nobody told us about this ...
Of all the advice Marie and I received before we got married, nobody told us we would have to argue. Okay, we didn't HAVE to but we did; and the truth is we argued quite a bit. Now 15 years down the road we know that the arguments, however unpleasant, were an integral part of the process that made our marriage strong. Getting married without such awareness and possessing the normal person's general distaste for arguments, there were many times we wondered if there was anything seriously wrong with us.

Why do love birds quarrel?

What did we argue about? Well all sorts of things. I suppose no different from what other couples would have argued about. Seemingly inane things like "Why didn't you help me find my car keys?", "Why do you drop your clothes on the floor and not pick them up?"; to more significant things like how we spent our money or whose turn it was to take care of the crying baby in the middle of the night. 


(Marie: Yes, what did we argue about?

Expectations:  We both had (perhaps still have) high expectations of each other and we wanted each other to meet them right away!  Expectations like knowing what to do in a crisis, when to help out, what to say when the other is feeling elated/downcast/angry/irritated, what to receive as a birthday present, what to do on a holiday, what to do on a weekend afternoon, what to do when the baby is crying...  The thing about expectations is that we have a desired response in our minds but we do not articulate it and hope the other party will read our minds and deliver.  Of course, that's a landmine waiting to explode every time! 

Finances:  We kept quiet about finances for a long time.  Perhaps we believed that it was not polite to comment on each other's financial choices.  Perhaps it was because I still had some money stashed away in my own private account.  But to converge with each other as marriage draws a couple in, we could not remain silent about our differences in spending and saving.  In our case, when we made the choice to have one income, we ultimately had to talk and often confront each other about money.  We pulled several late-nighters over money.  I recall a major one over buying a new TV - did we have to wait until our trusty 25" CRT Sony TV finally died before we could get a slimline wide-screen TV?  This argument was emblematic of our money differences.  Chi Hong is frugal and carefully considers how he spends his money.  I love to shop and have often made impulse buys only to regret later.)



Parallel Lives
One night we were both woken up by Joshua's crying in the middle of the night. As a baby, Joshua probably cried the most of the 4 boys - the fault of his first time, overly attentive parents. Marie went to attend to him. It took a while to settle him so by the time she returned to our room I had fallen asleep. She was furious and said that if I didn't help her at least I could have waited up for her. That ended in a late night argument (one of the worst types). On my part I felt aggrieved. I had had a hard day at work and was looking to another one in 6 hours' time. I felt she didn't appreciate my efforts to provide for the family. She in turn felt that I was overly committed to my work and that she bore the burdens of raising our burgeoning family alone.

We came up with this term "parallel lives". We felt like two people living together in the same home but not able to connect. It didn't feel good. In fact it felt very isolating to know that my life partner and I could not find convergence. We asked our friends if they had experienced the same thing but they said 'no'. We wondered what we were doing wrong. In retrospect, this feeling was no more than two people pulling in towards each and finding that to live together as a married couple, there was much more we had to learn about each other. The root cause of our arguments was really one person standing there asking the other, "Do you hear me, do you understand me, do you know my inner most wants and needs? Do you acknowledge it and will you be willing to do something about it (not necessarily solve it)?" and finding the other person not understanding, not perceiving the need; and sometimes even disparaging it.

Quality and "Quantity" Time
All we really needed was time. There was no other way. We should have shown each other grace and given each other the time and space but we were angry and impatient with each other instead. To have time meant we had to stick to our marriage. Perhaps the best piece of advice we got before marriage was - "If you don't want to divorce, don't entertain it as an option". I remember going to work one day after another argument and thinking "Why is this so hard?" but thank God I stuck to it.

The good news is that marriage is never static when you're working hard at it. It started getting easier when we got into our third and fourth year of marriage (Marie thought it was much later - she's always had a better memory for the details). We started to understand each other; and we learnt how to argue. The most important thing we understood about each other was that we were both trying our best. As Marie said, the irony was that we were working ourselves to the bone and yet not recognising each other's effort. Many times we suppressed our own needs till we could stand it no longer. Then we would explode in angry screams for attention. Understanding and trusting that Marie was trying her best at all times was an epiphany for me. I realised that when I thought she didn't care it was because I did not understand her words or actions; not because she couldn't be bothered. We also learnt that the issue that caused the argument was the common enemy, not each other. Therefore we argued to defeat the enemy, not each other. 

Discovering the Treasure

Our famous dinner dates

Friends have asked why Marie and I go out on dinner dates so frequently? The answer is simple - it's because we enjoy each other's company. After all, we were only married 3 months before a spark of life appeared in Marie's belly (that spark of life is now a teenager who sprawls on the sofa and leaves no space for others). The children are well trained to know that it's pointless to ask to come along when it's Mom and Dad's special time. Arguments in themselves have no value unless they help you to understand your loved one and yourself better. Through our arguments, we broke through our superficial understanding of each other and found beneath the surface an even greater treasure trove of that special something that attracted us to each other in the first place. Then we realised that arguments weren't the only way to learn more about each other. There were so many more pleasant ways. 

The other day we were at this restaurant "Xi Yan" celebrating our anniversary. The manager offered us a reward if we could guess the five ingredients in their "Tang Yuen"(glutinous balls). I rolled my eyes and popped them into my mouth straight away but Marie rose to the challenge as she would when it came to any culinary matters. She managed to guess four out of the five ingredients. My wife amuses and intrigues me in so many small and big ways every day. I have learnt to observe her because it is a great prize to know her intimately. A friend noted that whenever we're in the same space we are constantly talking to each other, updating each other on the latest bits of information. Why not when there is no end of things we could talk ( nowadays I even have to fight with the boys for time to speak to Marie)? 

Time apart was also opportunity to discover things about each other. Marie and I enjoy holidays differently. She likes to explore cities and their histories. I like doing nothing, absolutely nothing, lying by the beach, napping in the hotel room. We realised we didn't always have to spend holidays together and get on each other's nerves. We've spent several holidays apart and have come back with more things to talk about. It's not conventional and some people can't believe we do that but it works for us. That's what matters.

A Sign of Life
To me, sometimes it is a good sign when people argue because it shows that they are emotionally invested. In our early years of marriage, we could have just given up, rolled to our own sides of the bed and gone to sleep. We would have argued less but what would that have gotten us? Probably nothing but a slow death of our marriage. Our inner most thoughts that should have been articulated would have been buried deeper and deeper beneath an external veneer of "we are ok". That is probably how many marriages turned cold and die over the years.

The Last Laugh

15 years later and wiser (we hope)

Marie and I still don't agree on our room aircon temperature and fan speed. I like it warmer and on auto-speed. Marie likes it colder and on medium-speed. Well, we have found a happy compromise in a nice blanket. I think that one day if Marie were to go to heaven before me and I no longer had to quibble over the room temperature with her, I would keep the colder aircon setting to remind me of her. I would even miss the quibbling ... I guess that's what a good marriage is about!



"I have loved her even when I hated her ... only married couples will understand that one" (Cal Weaver in Crazy, Stupid, Love)

Cupid - Daniel Powter
but every now and then I'll start to slip away
I gotta' hear you say

Take me out spin me around
We can laugh when we both fall down
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
When I sing out of key
Still play air guitar for me
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
Don't it feel all kind of right

Marie and Me - How it started ( a look back 15 years later)

Keeping a Promise
I promised last year that I would write about how Marie and I fell in love; and I'm late because it's already this year and I've not written it yet. As they say, better late than never - so here is the story ... or what I can remember of it anyway. Marie's always been the one who has the memory for the details. (Marie: That's because I kept a journal and recorded EVERY detail.  Yes, I'm a scary wife!)

We celebrated Valentine's Day at Lawry's this year as a 15-year-married couple. As we sat at the table enjoying the excellent food, we had a heartfelt conversation about what we had learnt in our years together. I was amazed, as I constantly am, that we have come this far and are still enjoying each other's company because it didn't always and still doesn't always feel like that.

Celebrating 15 Years!

If I can make one statement about what I have learnt it's this - "A great marriage starts with attraction but it's hard work that builds it for the years."

How it all Began
The first time I knew of Marie's existence was at a church meeting. Honestly, it was not love at first sight. Maybe God knew we were both not ready. Christian names weren't all that popular then and there I was this Chinese school boy thinking what's this girl doing without a Chinese name? And that was that ...
The second time we met was when the attraction began. We were on a church mission trip with a group of people and my eye kept being drawn to a little brown purse that Marie clutched in her hand. Out of this purse came intriguing things like tissue paper, money etc. There seemed to be no end to the things that could come out of it (Marie would tell me much later that the purse was an Esprit purse and it was black not brown, which just goes to show you how poor my memory is for such things). By the time Marie knew of my attraction to it, she had already thrown the purse away so I've never actually held that purse in my hand. Marie tells me what caught her eye of me was this guy who went around offering people biscuits and cookies out of a plastic box (I was trained in the military to always have food on hand - you never knew when you would need a snack!); and not just normal cookies but coloured wafers. "Now who in the world would do that?", she thought. (Marie: Those were garishly coloured Arnott's wafers.  I didn't take one but I did accept a chocolate he offered the next day. Chi Hong: Just to show how much Marie loves me - she bought me 4 boxes of these wafers when she was in Australia last year).

These started it off ...

After the trip we followed up with an 'outing' to watch a play and  I swear to this day that I didn't know it was Valentine's Day; and that it was incidental that I gave her a hand-made heart-shaped woven basket (I bought the kit and I didn't know the basket would turn out heart-shaped!) (Marie said to clarify that this was not our first date. Our first date was dinner at Prego).

I would have liked to have written ... and that was that - the rest is history; but that was not to be. As Marie has complained to me over the years - I certainly took my time to decide. (Marie: It was a whole year from going on the first date to going steady!) This is where it gets a bit fuzzy for me but she can remember every detail like it happened yesterday - how she made Tiramisu for me TWICE (Marie: TWICE!!) and I seemed unmoved, how her friend told her I was interested in some other girl, how I stood her up when we were supposed to meet up after a big church thing .... but each time she was ready to give up on me somehow I did something to pull her back again.

There was certainly Attraction
Marie was definitely attractive. She was intelligent and we could carry on long conversations on many different topics. We had common interests - books, movies, food. We didn't have the same taste in music (Jazz & Rock Soul / Motown vs Country *Marie says I got it wrong - not rock. Edited post publish) but we both agreed on James Taylor. We both believed in being committed to God. I remember this happened shortly after we had gone steady (it's out of sync with the flow here but it illustrates my point). We were all dressed up at a wedding dinner and I was returning to the table after a toilet break. Marie caught my eye and I thought 'Who's that pretty lady at my table?" With a start, I realised, this was my girlfriend and at that instant I was filled with this really warm, nice feeling. 

'Well you can't have a dream , 
And cut it to fit 
But when I saw you, I knew 
We go together, like a wink and a smile'  
From the song - A Wink and a Smile, sung by Harry Connick, Jr in the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle'

Those dating days ...

In my own defence as to why I took so long to decide - I knew we were not getting any younger and that if I committed myself to the relationship, I wanted it to work. To be committed, I needed to feel intuitively that the relationship was right, that somehow it fit, that we could go the distance. A large part of this was waiting for God to confirm it for me - and I've said this to Marie many times and I say it again here - it was God who took HIS time, not me. (Marie:?????)

There was no thunderclap the day I felt sure. I remembered going to Marie's place and was lying on her couch and it just felt like home - not really the place per se but I knew that Marie was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of every day; and this time, that was that - I was sure from that time onward and the rest was history.

Things progressed well enough after that. My parents were only little too eager to get their first daughter-in-law. When I announced to them that I was going steady with Marie after thinking about it for a while, my Dad said, "What's there to think about? If it's right, it's right."  I conspired with Marie's mom to steal one of her rings from her dresser so that I could buy her an engagement ring but of course nothing escaped Marie's eagle eyes so she was already waiting eagerly by the time I presented it to her on bended knees at a lake in Tasmania (what's the name of that lake dear?) (Marie: That was another half year wait...and it was Dove lake, my dear husband!)

The wedding and honeymoon were great. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Don't get me wrong - Marie and I, we enjoy the romantic part of a love relationship as much as the other person. We did (and still do) all the romantic stuff - movies, the dinners out, flowers, presents, concerts (James Taylor live in Singapore!). I still take peeks at Martha Stewart Wedding Magazines at the bookshop and we both harbour a secret wish that our children will one day organise another wedding for us to renew our vows (though with 4 boys ....). But over the years when we've quarreled, we've never stopped because we remembered how lovely our wedding was. We've come to the conclusion that (as we say in science) the relationship between a lavish wedding and a happy marriage is not statistically significant.

Committed to Loving for Life
After all, honestly, how difficult is it to look good, to be nice and considerate for the 3 or 4 hours when you're together on a date? And the wedding is really the epitome of a great date. When the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off and when the honeymoon is over, Marie discovered that the guy lying next to her snored so loudly that she couldn't sleep; and then the kids come and we fought over who's turn it was to stay up -  that's when the love lessons really began. (Marie: I wore ear plugs the first couple of years until I managed to train Chi Hong to sleep on his side.  Occasionally, I still have to contend with those snores then I jab him in the side and he turns over.  Love Lesson # 1:  Train your husband not to snore. Chi Hong: I thought my snore lull you to sleep these days ...) 

For better or for worse ...

I will be the first to admit that I love Hollywood romantic comedies - "When Harry Met Sally" (Marie and my favourite movie), "Sleepless in Seattle", "You've Got Mail", "Notting Hill" ... I could never understand in the past why so many of these actors and actresses could act out these love stories but then have such horrible personal lives.  Maybe for them too when the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off ... they forget that real life was not so pretty after all.

What was that wedding vow? "...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;  from this day forward  until death do us part". It is now 15 years later that I am beginning to understand the significance of these words ... The vow is to learn love and make it real through the ups and downs of  a life together. It's ironic how we often think the beautiful marriages are the airbrushed, jet setting ones rather than the ones with the messiness of life, kids, happiness and even tragedies.

Before marriage I thought - I was a good guy, I knew how to be nice, I knew how to buy flowers, I did all the romantic stuff like in the movies. It was after marriage that I realised what a selfish, horrible person I could be. There was so much I needed to learn about loving and living with this woman whom I have committed to for the rest of our lives together.

Building a Marriage with God
It is a great challenge to love in this way. I don't trust myself to succeed without help. But we know that when we trust God and follow His way - there is hope; and not just wishful hoping but hope that is real because it is grounded in Him. Psalms 127 : 1-2 reminds us that our own work is futile unless God is working with us. In marriage, the human relationship that God treasures because it reflects the relationship He wants with us, there is every hope that we will be blessed when we build it in His Way and with His Help.

Unless the Lord builds a house,

    the work of the builders is wasted.

Unless the Lord protects a city,

    guarding it with sentries will do no good.

It is useless for you to work so hard

    from early morning until late at night,

anxiously working for food to eat;

    for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Psalms 127: 1-2

The rest of this story - akan datang (or coming soon).

"When Harry Met Sally"