Father of Everyday Moments

The Challenge

Recently I was posed a Facebook challenge by my friend Adrian to post a photo of a significant moment that made me feel proud to be a father. He had a winner - a friend had captured his son and him in a fierce bear hug at the end of a rugby game. Their facial expressions captured the emotional high they shared at that moment for the hard fought victory.

I looked hard at my collection of photos and came up with this recent one of me and the three older ones having dinner at a nearby cafe. It was not particularly well taken - the image was blurred because the ambient lighting was dim. It probably would not have caught many people's attention if I had posted it on Facebook - just another one of the many photos of me and my family enjoying food in an eatery. Nevertheless this was the photo that reminded me of the father-son moments that were precious to me.

Dinner Date with the Boys

I am envious of Adrian and his relationship with his children. It is clear that they share a close bond. I used to feel jealousy and even guilt that I did not seem to have a similarly close relationship with my boys. However, I am learning that with fathering the secret is also to appreciate myself for who I am and not to try to be someone else.

Fathering Styles

Looking at one's own fathering style, I believe one must always look first at one's own father. My father was born and raised in China.  Like his father before him, they were typical Asian fathers. Overt expression of emotions were not the norm. Hugs if they ever occurred were uneasy affairs. Asian fathers showed love by providing for the family. The daily family dinner was sacred. Everybody sat down together for dinner. Dad was always there - a sure and steady rock. My Dad is an introspective man. He worries more than is necessary for his children (and still does - I'm going to be 48 years old in a few weeks time, Dad). He loves books. Beach holidays were his escape ... So am I and so do I (apologies for the bad grammar but you get the point) as you will see when I elaborate more in this blog.

In truth, I could be more playful with my children, especially the rough-and-tumble kind. Years ago, after much goading from Marie, I finally agreed to go for a father-and-son camp organised by the school with my oldest Joshua. I treasured the opportunity to spend time with him but for all of me I could not fathom why special father-son moments needed to be held at isolated locations with uncomfortable beds and mosquito attacks. The toilets had bugs crawling in the sinks - those big ugly kind that gave me goose pimples looking at them. When it came for the next father-and-son camp I tried to bribe the next son with a hotel stay in Sentosa instead (beach holiday, my childhood memory of time with Dad, get it?). Strangely he wasn't interested in the 5 star comfort. Thank God that eventually work commitment intervened and I couldn't make it for the camp anyway, especially when I found out later that they had pitched tents in the mud. There weren't even beds to lie on or bug infested toilets.

Starbucks - where else?

I've learnt that I really don't have to bash myself up about not being the 'wild man' type of father. In these modern times, there are many more options for the more introspective, less "swashbuckling", more urbane fathers. I love Starbucks - the coffee can be cheap (if you know how to order), the ambiance is nice. There's no where better to spend time reading a book or reflecting on life but this is not just my private sanctuary. I've spent wonderful moments with all my sons in Starbucks. We don't even have to talk - I could be reading a book and they on their mobile devices. Ever so often I would surprise them with a drink at home. Whenver the word 'Starbucks' left my mouth in Samuel's (my 4 year old) earshot he would not be happy till we got to an outlet.

Recently, in an attempt to better understand the three older teenage boys, Marie and I asked them to do a survey on their Love Language. All of them had 'Spending Quality Time' as their top one or two
Love Language. So it looked like at least I'm on the right track with Starbucks.

(If you're keen - 5 Love Languages Survey for Teens)

Playfulness

Having Samuel after a long break from the third boy Jonah is giving me the opportunity to be more playful. Recently, on two consecutive Saturdays I took Samuel out to the pool at the club. I told myself on the way to the pool to really play with him and not just laze by the pool; and we did - we raced, we chased, we sprayed each other with water and invented crazy ball games. The funny thing was that on both of these occasions, another boy in the pool would try to edge his way into the action - the boys whose own fathers were probably sitting by the poolside reading the papers or their mobile device. My son and I had become objects of envy for others. Success!

As They Grow Older

For the older boys, Marie and I have noticed that as they grew older, it was (as the books also said) I the father whom they were gravitating towards to share their interests. They no longer expected me to bring them camping and even if I brought up the topic (half in jest) they would raise their eyebrows and say "Hah? Really?". What they really wanted these days was for me to be interested in their interests. I'm not really into soccer either but I've learnt that it's important to keep up with the latest developments in Real Madrid or Man U. For another, it's Gundam and of late the art of typography. For the son who has interest in history, I felt a connection with him instantly when I could discuss with him if 1939 was the start of the World War II (I confess had to "wikipedia" it first). With Samuel we're still arguing if Hello Kitty is the most powerful superhero ever. He says, "Cannot! No such thing. Hello Kitty is not real!"; and yet the Avengers are real? I laugh at this illogical logic in him. I love going to the movies and now that the boys are older, I can take them with me to the Sci-Fi and Superhero movies. Marie's just glad that she can be spared from these.

Drawing Them in with Love

Recently I wanted two of the boys to meet me regularly to give an accounting of their studies. The more I tried to get them to comply to my iron clad rules, the more they tried to wriggle out of it. It came to a flashpoint when I was interrogating them for once again missing our pre-arranged meeting time. One of them finally said sullenly, "I don't want to because I don't like it". They disliked these encounters because all I did was tell them about their mistakes and deficiencies. It struck me then that I could never draw them in with rules, even if it was for their good. God pulls us to Him with love first then shows us why His commandments were for our good.

I decided to change tack with the boys. I still wanted them to meet me but I let them decide what they wanted to show me whenever we met. "Your studies, your responsibilities, your plans", I said to them; and I would give them the support that they wanted. More importantly I became more intentional in looking out for their good work to give them praise. For both boys we ended up also reading the Bible and praying at each of these sessions. If my praise uplifted them, it was even better for them to know that God was pleased with them. On the days that they didn't do well we turned to God for His mercy and grace. Does He not wipe our slates clean whenever we turned to Him sincerely? No matter how bad a day turned out to be, we could start the next day with a fresh start. I am learning that if I wanted my boys to grow up to be strong and confident men they needed to hear from me that I was proud of them; and even more importantly that God was proud of them too. I realised that what was also important in my clumsy attempts at being a father was to show my boys that there was a Heavenly Father who could love them perfectly.

My Four Precious Ones

What is Life without Dessert

Coming back to the photo - my Dad was always at the dinner table and so eating together with the boys will always be special for me. At the end of the meal I asked one of them what he thought of the dessert. He didn't look impressed "They shouldn't serve bread-and-butter pudding in a bowl and the bread was rubbery." I couldn't have been more proud at that point - indeed a son after my own heart. A good meal was never complete till it ended with a good dessert. With my style of fathering I may never be a father of significant moments but I certainly can be a father of everyday moments. Amen.

"Who Are You Looking For?"

Power of Love Church Facebook Page

This was a sermon that I preached when a good friend invited me to do so at the 

Power of Love Church in Hua Hin, Thailand. Do visit if you're ever in that area!

               

               

Bible Reading:

Thank you for your invitation to visit your church and to offer me this opportunity to preach.

Our reading today from the Bible is from John Chapter 20. I am reading from the New International Version (NIV).

Verse 1 Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 

Verse 11 Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb...

Verse 14 to 16 … she turned around and saw Jesus standing there,but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

 He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

¹⁶ Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).

Introduction

The scene is familiar to us – Jesus had died on the cross and three days later he had arisen from the dead. But for the first century Christians who still did not understand what had happened, the empty tomb had caused fear, anxiety and confusion. Not only was their beloved leader and teacher dead, his body had apparently been stolen.

Jesus frequently asks us sharp questions that reveal the truth in our hearts:

“Mary”, He asked, “why are you crying? ^“Who is it you are looking for?”. 
“Why are you crying?” meaning why are you sad, worried or anxious?. 
“Who is it you are looking for?” meaning “Who do you look for when you are sad, worried or anxious?”

This is the same question Jesus asks us in our own times of sadness, worry and anxiety:

Why are you sad, worried or anxious? Is it Jesus whom you turn to or someone or something else for help?

We can learn from the Temptation of Christ

When we are in a stressful situation, Satan tempts us to turn away from God to other substitutes. We can learn lessons from how he tempted Jesus in the desert.

In the first temptation, Satan asked Jesus to turn stone into bread because Jesus was hungry. This temptation is for us to turn to physical comfort in times of need.

Food is a common example. There is nothing wrong with food and I look forward to having much good Thai food while I am here! But there are people who eat not because they are hungry but to soothe their worries. Food has become their idol, their ‘god’ in times of stress and anxiety.

In the second temptation, Satan offers to Jesus power over many cities of the world. This is not hard to understand In times of trouble, we look to people with human power or authority to protect us. This can happen at the work place, at home or even in the church.

In the third temptation, Satan tempts Jesus to believe that by his actions, He could control God. In Singapore where I come from, many believe that if we study hard, if we obey all the rules, especially government rules, we will be blessed by God because we are good. Even Christian students and their parent believe that if they study hard, God must bless them with good marks, then good jobs and a good, trouble free life.

I remember when I was 16 years old and taking an important exam in school, I prayed “God, I have worked hard so you must give me all ‘A’s in my exam subjects”. God answered me with another question – “Why do you need ‘A’s when you have Me?”. He would not let me control Him.

He also didn't always give me good marks. In fact from then on, there would always be one or two subjects in my exams that did not get good marks. God wanted me to learn that it is not the good marks but Him that I needed in life.

The Power of Love

Let us return to Jesus’ questions to Mary:

“Why are your crying?”

“Who are you looking for?”

Based on what reasons is Jesus able to promise us that He is the answer to all the problems in our lives?

Based on the fact that He loved us, He suffered for us and died for our sins.

Based on the fact that His death has removed all barriers between us and God.

He speaks gently but the fact is He has returned victorious over death and sin; and God has placed everything under Him (see 1 Corinthians 15: 21 - 28).

Church, when I asked God what message He has for you -

He asked me to remind you of the name of your church: The Power of Love Church

Because - There is Power in Love!

It is not people with guns or money or earthly authority that have power.

It is God’s love that has the true Power to change this world.

As it is written in Romans 8: 37- 39:

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God^(CF) that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

But Jesus not only showed us the amazing, infinite power of the love of God

He also showed us an example of how to live a powerful life of love through humility and service to others. At the last supper with His disciples, Jesus washed their feet. This was a task that we would expect a servant to do. Jesus willingly washed his disciples feet and said “ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.” (John13:15)

As it is also written in 1 John 3: 16 – 18

¹⁶ This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? ¹⁸ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 

Church, God says “You have chosen well the name of your church”. There is power in His Love to change this world. And so I encourage you, go and live your life for Christ in this world. 

His Love through your lives will be the powerful force that will change this world.

Amen

Photo with family & church leaders after sermon

Hong Kong Trip June '11 - some thoughts

A lovely cafe in Hong Kong Island - quiet chats with no boys. 

"A Pit Stop – a short, quick recharge. "

A week after our return, I realised that was the best description of the Hong Kong trip that Marie and I took. We’d been working hard in the past six months at home, at work and at church and were exhausted. We slept, ate and shopped – it was great! Best of all, it was just the two of us :)

For those of you who have not 3 boys, the significance of being able to have a holiday without them may be lost on you. It is not easy to find people willing to take 3 active boys at a go. Happily, the boys and my parents have developed mutually enriching routines when they visit. So they were happy to take them for a few days but of course, this was also the reason that we could not have a longer trip – Marie and I are careful not to wear out our welcome.

Hong Kong Desserts - just for two of us to enjoy!

Marie also found a swim camp for two of the boys during that time, to take them off my parents’ hands somewhat as well. Marie is really good at this. When we were first married, Marie’s friend asked her why is it that she did all the organising of our holiday trips and I did nothing (Just to let you know friend – you’re not helping ...). Well the reason is because she is way better at it than me. Left to me, all our trips would be beach holidays – give me a nice beach, a good book, a cup of cappuccino, long hours for naps; and I’m good. Every day at work I make so many decisions, I want not to make any decisions planning holidays or during holidays. That is also why I avoid driving holidays if I can – driving is making decisions.

Marie is very good at organising trips. She says she is not because she thinks she needs to anticipate every possible turn of event. That is where over the years, we have learnt to be a good team. I have learnt that while I do not actively organise the trips, it helps to be interested and to give useful suggestions. When unanticipated events occur, I should not ask why but should swing into action. Once at Heathrow Airport when our luggage was unequally loaded, I swung into action, threw open the luggage right there and then and re-packed. After we had successfully checked in I was feeling rather pleased with myself that I reaslied Marie was still feeling emotional about the situation. It certainly would not have helped to question her about the packing.

What the two of us ate (OK, so they're all food photos - so?)

The mistakes and lessons we have learnt about going on trips is in a small way a mirror of the greater learning of our marriage and making it work. The bonus of learning our lessons well (listen to this kids) is that after 13 years of marriage we still find a thrill in going on trips together.

Oh by the way –  it’s not quite true that we were on this trip alone. There was someone else with us. That enigma will soon be revealed, together with the eating and shopping in Hong Kong...