The Challenge
Recently I was posed a Facebook challenge by my friend Adrian to post a photo of a significant moment that made me feel proud to be a father. He had a winner - a friend had captured his son and him in a fierce bear hug at the end of a rugby game. Their facial expressions captured the emotional high they shared at that moment for the hard fought victory.I looked hard at my collection of photos and came up with this recent one of me and the three older ones having dinner at a nearby cafe. It was not particularly well taken - the image was blurred because the ambient lighting was dim. It probably would not have caught many people's attention if I had posted it on Facebook - just another one of the many photos of me and my family enjoying food in an eatery. Nevertheless this was the photo that reminded me of the father-son moments that were precious to me.
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| Dinner Date with the Boys |
I am envious of Adrian and his relationship with his children. It is clear that they share a close bond. I used to feel jealousy and even guilt that I did not seem to have a similarly close relationship with my boys. However, I am learning that with fathering the secret is also to appreciate myself for who I am and not to try to be someone else.
Fathering Styles
Looking at one's own fathering style, I believe one must always look first at one's own father. My father was born and raised in China. Like his father before him, they were typical Asian fathers. Overt expression of emotions were not the norm. Hugs if they ever occurred were uneasy affairs. Asian fathers showed love by providing for the family. The daily family dinner was sacred. Everybody sat down together for dinner. Dad was always there - a sure and steady rock. My Dad is an introspective man. He worries more than is necessary for his children (and still does - I'm going to be 48 years old in a few weeks time, Dad). He loves books. Beach holidays were his escape ... So am I and so do I (apologies for the bad grammar but you get the point) as you will see when I elaborate more in this blog.In truth, I could be more playful with my children, especially the rough-and-tumble kind. Years ago, after much goading from Marie, I finally agreed to go for a father-and-son camp organised by the school with my oldest Joshua. I treasured the opportunity to spend time with him but for all of me I could not fathom why special father-son moments needed to be held at isolated locations with uncomfortable beds and mosquito attacks. The toilets had bugs crawling in the sinks - those big ugly kind that gave me goose pimples looking at them. When it came for the next father-and-son camp I tried to bribe the next son with a hotel stay in Sentosa instead (beach holiday, my childhood memory of time with Dad, get it?). Strangely he wasn't interested in the 5 star comfort. Thank God that eventually work commitment intervened and I couldn't make it for the camp anyway, especially when I found out later that they had pitched tents in the mud. There weren't even beds to lie on or bug infested toilets.
Starbucks - where else?
I've learnt that I really don't have to bash myself up about not being the 'wild man' type of father. In these modern times, there are many more options for the more introspective, less "swashbuckling", more urbane fathers. I love Starbucks - the coffee can be cheap (if you know how to order), the ambiance is nice. There's no where better to spend time reading a book or reflecting on life but this is not just my private sanctuary. I've spent wonderful moments with all my sons in Starbucks. We don't even have to talk - I could be reading a book and they on their mobile devices. Ever so often I would surprise them with a drink at home. Whenver the word 'Starbucks' left my mouth in Samuel's (my 4 year old) earshot he would not be happy till we got to an outlet.Recently, in an attempt to better understand the three older teenage boys, Marie and I asked them to do a survey on their Love Language. All of them had 'Spending Quality Time' as their top one or two
Love Language. So it looked like at least I'm on the right track with Starbucks.
(If you're keen - 5 Love Languages Survey for Teens)
Playfulness
Having Samuel after a long break from the third boy Jonah is giving me the opportunity to be more playful. Recently, on two consecutive Saturdays I took Samuel out to the pool at the club. I told myself on the way to the pool to really play with him and not just laze by the pool; and we did - we raced, we chased, we sprayed each other with water and invented crazy ball games. The funny thing was that on both of these occasions, another boy in the pool would try to edge his way into the action - the boys whose own fathers were probably sitting by the poolside reading the papers or their mobile device. My son and I had become objects of envy for others. Success!As They Grow Older
For the older boys, Marie and I have noticed that as they grew older, it was (as the books also said) I the father whom they were gravitating towards to share their interests. They no longer expected me to bring them camping and even if I brought up the topic (half in jest) they would raise their eyebrows and say "Hah? Really?". What they really wanted these days was for me to be interested in their interests. I'm not really into soccer either but I've learnt that it's important to keep up with the latest developments in Real Madrid or Man U. For another, it's Gundam and of late the art of typography. For the son who has interest in history, I felt a connection with him instantly when I could discuss with him if 1939 was the start of the World War II (I confess had to "wikipedia" it first). With Samuel we're still arguing if Hello Kitty is the most powerful superhero ever. He says, "Cannot! No such thing. Hello Kitty is not real!"; and yet the Avengers are real? I laugh at this illogical logic in him. I love going to the movies and now that the boys are older, I can take them with me to the Sci-Fi and Superhero movies. Marie's just glad that she can be spared from these.Drawing Them in with Love
Recently I wanted two of the boys to meet me regularly to give an accounting of their studies. The more I tried to get them to comply to my iron clad rules, the more they tried to wriggle out of it. It came to a flashpoint when I was interrogating them for once again missing our pre-arranged meeting time. One of them finally said sullenly, "I don't want to because I don't like it". They disliked these encounters because all I did was tell them about their mistakes and deficiencies. It struck me then that I could never draw them in with rules, even if it was for their good. God pulls us to Him with love first then shows us why His commandments were for our good.I decided to change tack with the boys. I still wanted them to meet me but I let them decide what they wanted to show me whenever we met. "Your studies, your responsibilities, your plans", I said to them; and I would give them the support that they wanted. More importantly I became more intentional in looking out for their good work to give them praise. For both boys we ended up also reading the Bible and praying at each of these sessions. If my praise uplifted them, it was even better for them to know that God was pleased with them. On the days that they didn't do well we turned to God for His mercy and grace. Does He not wipe our slates clean whenever we turned to Him sincerely? No matter how bad a day turned out to be, we could start the next day with a fresh start. I am learning that if I wanted my boys to grow up to be strong and confident men they needed to hear from me that I was proud of them; and even more importantly that God was proud of them too. I realised that what was also important in my clumsy attempts at being a father was to show my boys that there was a Heavenly Father who could love them perfectly.
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| My Four Precious Ones |
