Father of Everyday Moments

The Challenge

Recently I was posed a Facebook challenge by my friend Adrian to post a photo of a significant moment that made me feel proud to be a father. He had a winner - a friend had captured his son and him in a fierce bear hug at the end of a rugby game. Their facial expressions captured the emotional high they shared at that moment for the hard fought victory.

I looked hard at my collection of photos and came up with this recent one of me and the three older ones having dinner at a nearby cafe. It was not particularly well taken - the image was blurred because the ambient lighting was dim. It probably would not have caught many people's attention if I had posted it on Facebook - just another one of the many photos of me and my family enjoying food in an eatery. Nevertheless this was the photo that reminded me of the father-son moments that were precious to me.

Dinner Date with the Boys

I am envious of Adrian and his relationship with his children. It is clear that they share a close bond. I used to feel jealousy and even guilt that I did not seem to have a similarly close relationship with my boys. However, I am learning that with fathering the secret is also to appreciate myself for who I am and not to try to be someone else.

Fathering Styles

Looking at one's own fathering style, I believe one must always look first at one's own father. My father was born and raised in China.  Like his father before him, they were typical Asian fathers. Overt expression of emotions were not the norm. Hugs if they ever occurred were uneasy affairs. Asian fathers showed love by providing for the family. The daily family dinner was sacred. Everybody sat down together for dinner. Dad was always there - a sure and steady rock. My Dad is an introspective man. He worries more than is necessary for his children (and still does - I'm going to be 48 years old in a few weeks time, Dad). He loves books. Beach holidays were his escape ... So am I and so do I (apologies for the bad grammar but you get the point) as you will see when I elaborate more in this blog.

In truth, I could be more playful with my children, especially the rough-and-tumble kind. Years ago, after much goading from Marie, I finally agreed to go for a father-and-son camp organised by the school with my oldest Joshua. I treasured the opportunity to spend time with him but for all of me I could not fathom why special father-son moments needed to be held at isolated locations with uncomfortable beds and mosquito attacks. The toilets had bugs crawling in the sinks - those big ugly kind that gave me goose pimples looking at them. When it came for the next father-and-son camp I tried to bribe the next son with a hotel stay in Sentosa instead (beach holiday, my childhood memory of time with Dad, get it?). Strangely he wasn't interested in the 5 star comfort. Thank God that eventually work commitment intervened and I couldn't make it for the camp anyway, especially when I found out later that they had pitched tents in the mud. There weren't even beds to lie on or bug infested toilets.

Starbucks - where else?

I've learnt that I really don't have to bash myself up about not being the 'wild man' type of father. In these modern times, there are many more options for the more introspective, less "swashbuckling", more urbane fathers. I love Starbucks - the coffee can be cheap (if you know how to order), the ambiance is nice. There's no where better to spend time reading a book or reflecting on life but this is not just my private sanctuary. I've spent wonderful moments with all my sons in Starbucks. We don't even have to talk - I could be reading a book and they on their mobile devices. Ever so often I would surprise them with a drink at home. Whenver the word 'Starbucks' left my mouth in Samuel's (my 4 year old) earshot he would not be happy till we got to an outlet.

Recently, in an attempt to better understand the three older teenage boys, Marie and I asked them to do a survey on their Love Language. All of them had 'Spending Quality Time' as their top one or two
Love Language. So it looked like at least I'm on the right track with Starbucks.

(If you're keen - 5 Love Languages Survey for Teens)

Playfulness

Having Samuel after a long break from the third boy Jonah is giving me the opportunity to be more playful. Recently, on two consecutive Saturdays I took Samuel out to the pool at the club. I told myself on the way to the pool to really play with him and not just laze by the pool; and we did - we raced, we chased, we sprayed each other with water and invented crazy ball games. The funny thing was that on both of these occasions, another boy in the pool would try to edge his way into the action - the boys whose own fathers were probably sitting by the poolside reading the papers or their mobile device. My son and I had become objects of envy for others. Success!

As They Grow Older

For the older boys, Marie and I have noticed that as they grew older, it was (as the books also said) I the father whom they were gravitating towards to share their interests. They no longer expected me to bring them camping and even if I brought up the topic (half in jest) they would raise their eyebrows and say "Hah? Really?". What they really wanted these days was for me to be interested in their interests. I'm not really into soccer either but I've learnt that it's important to keep up with the latest developments in Real Madrid or Man U. For another, it's Gundam and of late the art of typography. For the son who has interest in history, I felt a connection with him instantly when I could discuss with him if 1939 was the start of the World War II (I confess had to "wikipedia" it first). With Samuel we're still arguing if Hello Kitty is the most powerful superhero ever. He says, "Cannot! No such thing. Hello Kitty is not real!"; and yet the Avengers are real? I laugh at this illogical logic in him. I love going to the movies and now that the boys are older, I can take them with me to the Sci-Fi and Superhero movies. Marie's just glad that she can be spared from these.

Drawing Them in with Love

Recently I wanted two of the boys to meet me regularly to give an accounting of their studies. The more I tried to get them to comply to my iron clad rules, the more they tried to wriggle out of it. It came to a flashpoint when I was interrogating them for once again missing our pre-arranged meeting time. One of them finally said sullenly, "I don't want to because I don't like it". They disliked these encounters because all I did was tell them about their mistakes and deficiencies. It struck me then that I could never draw them in with rules, even if it was for their good. God pulls us to Him with love first then shows us why His commandments were for our good.

I decided to change tack with the boys. I still wanted them to meet me but I let them decide what they wanted to show me whenever we met. "Your studies, your responsibilities, your plans", I said to them; and I would give them the support that they wanted. More importantly I became more intentional in looking out for their good work to give them praise. For both boys we ended up also reading the Bible and praying at each of these sessions. If my praise uplifted them, it was even better for them to know that God was pleased with them. On the days that they didn't do well we turned to God for His mercy and grace. Does He not wipe our slates clean whenever we turned to Him sincerely? No matter how bad a day turned out to be, we could start the next day with a fresh start. I am learning that if I wanted my boys to grow up to be strong and confident men they needed to hear from me that I was proud of them; and even more importantly that God was proud of them too. I realised that what was also important in my clumsy attempts at being a father was to show my boys that there was a Heavenly Father who could love them perfectly.

My Four Precious Ones

What is Life without Dessert

Coming back to the photo - my Dad was always at the dinner table and so eating together with the boys will always be special for me. At the end of the meal I asked one of them what he thought of the dessert. He didn't look impressed "They shouldn't serve bread-and-butter pudding in a bowl and the bread was rubbery." I couldn't have been more proud at that point - indeed a son after my own heart. A good meal was never complete till it ended with a good dessert. With my style of fathering I may never be a father of significant moments but I certainly can be a father of everyday moments. Amen.

Our Mortality - the end of it all, or is it?

Track Record and Voting

As I wrote on this topic of mortality, we have just gone through a nation wide election of our country's political leadership. During the campaigning period, the words "track record" was raised many times by the incumbent. Yet if you think about it, the best human track record only promises the possibility of continued good performance. Will those who are elected continue to do well in the future? Only time will tell. 

Perhaps the thoughts about my mortality and what I will leave behind started with the passing of the key founding father of our nation. In his lifetime, what he had built for the nation permeated and still permeates many aspects of the physical, mental, social, cultural; and maybe even the spiritual spheres of this little nation of ours.  It was hard not to feel emotional during the mourning period.

“I am often accused of interfering in the private lives of citizens. Yes, if I did not, had I not done that, we wouldn’t be here today. And I say without the slightest remorse, that we wouldn’t be here, we would not have made economic progress, if we had not intervened on very personal matters—who your neighbor is, how you live, the noise you make, how you spit, or what language you use. We decide what is right. Never mind what the people think.” – Lee Kuan Yew
Credit: Lonely Travelog (http://lonelytravelog.com/2015/03/23/in-memoriam-of-lee-kuan-yew/)

As "track record" got drummed into my consciousness repeatedly, it struck me that one person's track record was key to this topic of death and dying - that of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

"Boom ... and it all changed"

The other incident that got me thinking about mortality was the newspaper reports about a bomb that went off in the Bangkok City Centre a few months back. Locals and several tourists lost their lives. I wondered what it felt like for those caught in the bomb blast? Several years ago my car was rammed in the back when I was waiting to drive off at a road junction. One moment I was waiting for the road in front of me to clear - I'm not even sure I registered the bump - objects were suddenly flying in the air. Drops of liquid from my drink scattered in the air in slow motion like in the movies. I could see what was happening around me but my mind was unable to comprehend what had happened. Did it also feel like that for the unfortunate victims? Would their bodies have had time to register the blast? Would they have been thinking about dinner, shopping or the chores waiting for them at home one moment; and the next just nothingness? Or would they have been ushered into the presence of a greater reality? 

Jesus and Death

In the Bible, the book of John Chapter 11 gave an account of Jesus' response to the news of the death of a dear friend Lazarus. What stood out for me about the story was how His actions and words seemed bewildering to the people around Him at that time. His disciples couldn't make out by the way He spoke whether He meant that Lazarus was sleeping or dead. He waited 2 more days after receiving the news of his friend's critical illness before starting out to see him. Did He not remember that they walked, they didn't drive in those days? It was as if Jesus wanted to be very sure that Lazarus was truly dead and buried by the time He arrived (as was the case in the account). When he arrived, he was met by Lazarus' two sisters. To one he offered the promise that those who believed in Him would not die. To the other sister he seemed to commiserate with her grief and broke out in tears. Finally, He asked for the tomb to be opened to the utter disbelief of the crowd - the dead body would have been in such a state of decomposition that it would have emitted an overpowering odour. What took the cake was when Lazarus walked out of the tomb alive and well at Jesus' command. You could just see the jaws of the crowd drop to the ground.

I have come to learn that when a person's words are baffling it is usually because his world view is very different from mine. I hear the words he speaks but it means different things to each of us. Jesus did not see death as the end. The only possible explanation for Jesus' behaviour was that He spoke and acted as one who knew that life continued after physical death on earth. The behaviour and responses of the people to Jesus (as ours still do these days) betrayed an inner belief that death is final. There is nothing after that. As a bumper sticker said "Life is xxxx (expletive) ... and then we die".

Jesus comes to us, in a way like the aspiring politicians in the general election, asking us to believe in Him. But He was not just asking for us to believe in an academic analysis of death with Him as a powerless bystander. We are asked to believe in Him as the only one who had the power to free us from the clutches of death - "Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26). 

As for track records, Jesus had an impeccable one. Eventually Jesus was falsely accused and hung on the cross to die by the religious authorities at that time. The documentation of his death was quite convincing. Three days later as He had promised, He arose from the dead. In John 20, in an almost comical repeat of the earlier scene, one of the sisters came to the tomb to mourn Jesus' passing. She arrived only to find the stone covering the tomb moved and the tomb empty. Jesus appeared to her and asked "Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" (John 20:15). Puzzling questions, perhaps inappropriate even to those who saw death as the last act ... but not for Jesus who knew what the real deal was.

Daily Routines and what you leave behind

I do hope that my blog is not prone to morbid introspection or academic musing only. How do these reflections change the way I live?

Half way through the four score years ... my birthday this year

I have a nightly routine to shut down the house. I make sure the lights are turned off, the fridge doors are closed, the awning at the back is down and the main gate is closed. Some nights when I miss this routine, things go awry - the freezer door was left open one night; another time the awning was up and the downpour in the middle of the night messed up the laundry hung out to dry. In truth, I have added making ice to my nightly routine. Not the most significant thing perhaps but I was thinking that some day when I'm no longer around, the kids will say "Hey! There always used to be ice in the ice tray. Why is it always empty nowadays?"; and then perhaps they would think fondly of me for making ice for them.

IDMC Conference 2015

I didn't have a word for this desire until I attended the Intentional Discipleship Making Church (IDMC) Conference 2015 organised by the Covenant Evangelical Free Church. The word for this is "Legacy" - what do we want to leave behind when we have gone off to life in another plane? Without going into too much philosophizing or preaching, for myself, I hope that knowing that it's not about squeezing everything you can out of this the four score or so years of our lives in our physical body will make me less grasping and more giving in this life. I hope I can be less threatened by people's actions and more rested in a God who takes care of me for here and for eternity.

My good wife Marie reminded me as my third son (Jonah) comes up for his PSLE Exam this year that I had promised in my earlier blogs to share what I would learn this third round. Here is a brief preview - I decided that Jonah's memories of this exam should not only be about me scolding him incessantly about his work. I have started reading the Bible with him most nights. We have been reading about Jacob in the book of Genesis and I was surprised how God can use a shepherd's life thousands of years ago to speak to the issues a twelve year old boy faces with his brothers, his friends, his chores, his fears of the exam. Through it all, God kept saying to Him "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you." (and I guess to me too). It was a triumph for me when after one such reading Jonah himself picked out God's message for him in the passage - "God is saying He loves me and takes care of me!".

Leaving a bit of Eternity Behind

At the moment, I am reading a Sci-Fi book called "Speaker For the Dead" by Orson Scott Card (I'm not morbid, it's just co-incidental). In it he writes of himself "A writer's life is boring indeed. I write stories about people who take risks, who reach out and change the world, But when it comes to my life, it mostly consists of hanging around at home, writing when I have to, playing computer games or watching TV whenever I can get away with it. My real life is being with my wife, with my children; going to church and teaching my Sunday school class; keeping in touch with my family and friends; and, the primary duty of every father, turning off lights throughout the house and muttering about how I'm the only one who seems to care about turning them off because I'm the one who has to change the lousy light bulbs." 

The lantern I made that
won second prize in school.
Would he remember?

His life sounds just like mine! I think those of us who get to live such lives should be thankful for such quiet blessings. One of my best friends felt called by God to run for political office in this past election. He knew that it would have an impact on his personal and family life. I admire and respect him all the more for his choices. He didn't have to do it but he did because he felt it was the right thing to do.

The premise of Mr. Card's book is that at the end of one's life, someone should tell our entire life story - not just the good parts; and not even the average between the good and bad parts but even the bad parts as well. So when my time comes, perhaps my children will remember that "he was grumpy often, not very playful, liked to nap a lot, doled out pocket money regularly, made ice frequently ... and read the Bible with me." 

I believe legacy can be found in our daily mundane living ... and if that is not enough then it helps to know that life here is not the end but the beginning of an adventure that will stretch into all eternity with the One who loved us enough to die for us on the cross. 

From Sergeant Dad to Friend

'Army Camp' Home

Four Precious Young Men

Whenever people find out that Marie and I have 4 boys at home, the usual refrain is "How do you ever manage at home?". My answer is frequently "Like an army camp!". I will invariably get this look that expressed what they were not saying - "you're joking right?". OK, I'm joking, well ... maybe only half joking.

It Gets Crazy!'

It does get crazy at home making 6 different peoples' schedules work. Even the 3 year old has play school now and Friday is "Gu Ma" day (he spends the day with my sister after school). The others have school, supplementary lessons, tuition, school activities, piano lessons, church activities, hanging out with friends; and of course Marie and I have our own lives to live. Sometimes I picture in my mind a vortex spinning furiously and spitting us out in all sorts of random direction.

Last year, Caleb was invited to his friend's for a Bar-B-Q. For weeks he was excitedly telling us about it every opportunity he had. Confession time kids - yes, we try our best to listen to you but there are four of you. Sometimes when you tell us the same thing over and over again, it just becomes a background hum. So the day of the party came and with a chirpy 'Bye!' Caleb was out of the door. At 7 pm as Marie and I were sat down to dinner, we looked at each other with a rising feeling of panic, "Do you know where Caleb is? What time was he supposed to be back? Do we have his friends' number? Do we even have the friend's name?". Unfortunately the answer to every one of these questions were either "Don't know" or "No". Alarmed, we called his mobile phone. Why is it that kids' mobile phones only seem to ring when their friends call but not their parents? There was no answer from him.

'Rules, Regulations & SOPs'

Of course Caleb eventually came home happy and safe, much to our relief. I told Marie that in future when the kids wanted to go to a friend's home, they needed to fill up an approval form for us to sign off. No, we didn't really implement that but Marie and I have learnt that routines, processes (SOPs as the military calls them) and scheduled activities go a long way to minimise the chaos in a big household. Last year I introduced Marie to scheduling for the boys for their at home activities as well. The boys have chores at home and we expect them to perform them well. Woe to the one whose chores needed to be redone. One of the skills the boys have gained in our household was how to fly below the radar so that they don't get caught to sign "extra" (i.e. extra duties) as the military calls it. Over the years, to get things moving or simply to cut through the chaos, I have had to play the role of an army sergeant barking out orders. Of course the boys didn't always like it. I began to suspect that I liked being the Sergeant Dad more than I should. It started to bug me - sure it got the job done but were these my boys or my soldiers?

Our children are one sure sign of the passage of time - "Where did our babies go?" Even Samuel was three and very insistent that "I am a big boy, not a baby". Joshua, our eldest, was spending more time with his own activities and friends than with the family. This was not an unhappy rebellion but a healthy desire to gain independence and to develop his own identity in his teenage years - something that we encouraged. It was hard to let him go, especially for Marie. It struck us that with the little time that we were spending with him, we would rather be his friend than his military commander. When we reviewed what we said to the kids the whole day long it sometimes seemed like just a long string of instructions and rebuke.

Becoming Friends

Becoming friends with our children took both planned intention and unplanned opportunities. Marie suggested that for the first Sunday of every month we sat down for a family pow-wow before going out for a nice dinner. We've had the first one and it went well. At that meeting I admitted that over the years I had used anger as a tool to get things moving more often than necessary. I promised that in future I would try to use other emotions (humour is a much better alternative). It's by God's grace that now two weeks later I have still been able to keep my promise. We talked about many things that day. The kids were curious about what Marie and I did in situations they were facing from our own childhood. Telling them our life stories was a good way to teach them life lessons.

Magical Moments

The other night I was watching TV with Jonah. It was a home improvement show where the couple were choosing a property to purchase. It was a magical moment for me when instead of saying "Aren't you supposed to be studying?", Jonah and I debated which was the more likely property. We high-fived each other when we got it right. Precious opportunities come unplanned and I have to be ready to capitalise on them.

I have also decided that being friends meant that I could be more generous with the kids. Nothing expensive or fancy but an occasional and unexpected gift was great fun for them and me. Jonah has this eccentric sort of humour and loves kooky stuff. When I saw these pair of rabbit-ear headphones in the shops the other day it had his name written all over it. He was thrilled by them. I was surprised at how delightful it's been these past few days watching a pair of rabbit ears bobbing about in the house like some crazy Alice-in-Wonderland tea party.

Caleb with his middle child traits needs us especially to be his friend to gain confidence to be who he is. We've noticed that unlike Joshua who's launched himself off confidently into the world, we need to journey some more with Caleb before he found his own place in the world. I have declared this year to be "Caleb's Year of Discovery". We will try out different things in life together - go for a play, explore an historical site, eat a meal reviewed by a magazine food critic, pick up a new sport, anything he wants to do to discover his own interest.

Recently, I decided it was a good time to jog one sunny afternoon but it turned out to be too hot. I ended up not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. As I sat cooling down and drenched in sweat, Samuel came along: ,"Stand up Pa Pa! Play ball with me!". He had no problems issuing commands. This was the 3 year old who had seen every military commander technique used on his brothers. It took more than one command to get me moving but I'm glad I did! We had lots of fun that afternoon kicking the ball to-and-fro that afternoon in the little strip of grass we had by the side of the house.

"Good kick Samuel"
"Thank you"
"Good kick, Pa Pa"
"Thank you"

Some people cannot understand why anyone would ever want to have four kids. I am learning that when these kids grow up to be my friends as well God is blessing me more abundantly than I could ever imagine.

So much fun :D

Rules, Laws and Commandments

Courageous

My church is very keen for the men to watch this movie called "Courageous". We watched the last 30 minutes of the show last night during our men's fellowship. It was an O.K. show  - a lot of "emo" music. I guess that's why they turned off the lights. Later pastor said, "Don't know why my eyes so teary tonight." OK, OK, so mine were a bit wet too - the room was quite dusty, you know.

The show was about these four men who committed themselves to doing the right thing at work and at home. In so doing they were blessed and much blessed by their family and friends. 

It begins with the heart ...
Much as I wanted to 'pooh pooh' the show, I was surprised by how relevant it actually was. In the past week at work, someone told me that the letters I sent out stipulating the roles and responsibilities of committees were unnecessary - nobody would feel any obligation to follow the words of those letters.

"Sure", I said, "I know these letters can't bind anybody. It really boils down to what you believe in your heart." 

"What!?", was the reply, "What century are you living in? Who ever talks about the heart nowadays?"

Growing them up right ... from the heart

 Sometimes these type of responses at work make me feel naive and ignorant as if I were no more than a small child. But isn't this what we were taught growing up? Always do the right thing, help one another, don't lie, don't be tempted by money. It's as if as adults some people decided they could give themselves a discount. The rules were true but it didn't apply to them 100% anymore. 

Discounts
It seems more and more adults have been giving themselves such discounts lately. In the past few months, the local newspapers have been filled with reports of government officers, doctors, lawyers, CEOs, teachers and even pastors who have gotten in trouble with the law. What's the world coming to when the very people whom we looked up to for what is good and honourable also failed the morality test?

We don't like talking about them ...
Laws, rules, commandments - nowadays it's passe to talk about them .... but we can't ignore the fact that they're still there, especially when a line is crossed.

When Marie and I got married, we chose this passage to be our wedding verse:

Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Boys only club - God calls us to teach them His Word.

So I guess it shows what Marie and my views are on discipline. Some people have asked me how we run a household of four boys. I jokingly say, "Like an army camp", but seriously, we do have a number of rules in the household so that it doesn't fall apart. 

Umbrella of Protection 
When the boys were much younger, one of my rules were "No two people shall play with the same toy at the same time in this house!". This is sort of in line with the comedian Bill Cosby's rule in his book "Fatherhood". He laid it down after his children had repeatedly poked and irritated each other - "No one is to touch no one in this house for the rest of their lives!"

But seriously, the boys' playschool teacher used to teach them that obeying their parents is like having an umbrella of protection over them. We found this analogy a very useful reminder whenever we had to discipline. 

Now in their tween and teenage years, we are teaching them to internalise their own sense of right or wrong. We emphasise that the greater freedom and choice of adulthood comes with the need to demonstrate greater self-control, to have better decision making and to be honourable at all times - especially when no one is watching.

Obeying can be hard sometimes ...

We remind them that we will only be around for just that many years to tell them what is right or wrong. Beyond that, society and the law will kick in if they are still unable to distinguish good from bad for themselves as adults. Marie and I read somewhere that the job of the parent to prepare their children to leave the home as independent adults begins the minute the children are born. I guess with these four boys that God has given to us, we feel the great responsibility to make sure they grow up to be God-fearing men, tender husbands, loving fathers and productive members of society.

The fruits of discipline
I have always worried that I have 'over-disciplined' Joshua, my firstborn. One of my concerns is that he would turn out to be shy, awkward and have unrealistic expectations on people just like me. However, it continues to surprise me how popular he is among friends and their parents. He gets lots of invitations to homes and parties (we call him the social butterfly); and we often receive compliments from other parents about how well behaved he is. We have reminded Joshua that this is one of the benefits of having learnt self-discipline. Parents are more inclined to agree to their kids hanging out with well-behaved kids. We are also more confident in letting Joshua go for these activities.

How to raise a teenager
However, the rules of the game of son-raising keeps changing. As parents we're learning that there is a different set when it comes to raising teenagers.  

Recently Joshua had so many social and extra-school activities that we barely saw him; and when we did see him, he was too tired to engage us properly. We decided that this was unacceptable and some parental control needed to be exerted. Parents of old would have said, "You think what, this house is your hotel is it??!!" (Marie reminded me to write that I did say that to him in one of my angry moments recently).

Negotiations ...

A proud moment!

As I mentioned I have gone back to school recently. I find the lessons useful not just at work but also at home. One of the modules was on negotiations. I was taught that one of the most common mistake of negotiations is fighting first for a position i.e. what is the right thing to do on opposing sides, rather than first talking about and thoroughly understanding each parties' concerns before deciding on a win-win plan of action. Marie and I could have fought for a position with Joshua - "You better be home by 5pm every day", "No going out with friends except during school holidays." But we spoke first about  our concerns  - "We love you and want to spend more quality time with you. We're concerned we never get to see you and don't know what is happening to you." This helped him to understand where we were coming from. 

We did eventually come to an agreement on some positions - "No late night movies - home by 8pm latest" but we also found creative ways to increase contact time with him,  e.g., picking him up from school rather than expecting him to come home by himself. Ultimately he still preserved a significant portion of his social life and we also had more time with him through the week.

Back to the heart again

Coming back to my job again, I am thankful that it does not require me to make any large scale purchase decisions for the organisation and expose me to temptation. Nevertheless, I realised that the organisation gives me a much greater latitude to make decisions compared to more junior staff. I could sit and gloat that I would never be caught in a similar situation as those reported in the newspapers but I would be on dangerous, slippery ground.

The point is that the fewer external controls there are to check a person, the more internal controls he must have to stick to the narrow path of righteousness. As it says in Matthew 7:13 - "Wide is the gate and broad is the path that leads to destruction." 

20 years of working

Contrary to my colleague's belief, the truth is that the heart is exactly where the battle is fought. This year I would have worked for exactly twenty years. It is the daily waking up to another day of choosing and doing the right thing that has kept me enthusiastic and passionate about work all these years. I am certainly not perfect but I do try every day. Over time it seems the good does build up and that is what gives me a sense of satisfaction at work.

Entry level good ...

Almost as tall as his dad.

I am also learning in ethics class that compliance to human laws is but the entry level to standards of  justice and righteous. We should not be lulled into complacency to think that we're OK just because we haven't broken any human laws. God calls us to a greater level of holiness and righteousness based on His standards in the Bible. When I am faced with such standards, I can no longer gloat but humbly recognise that I am a sinner in need of His Grace. 

The Pharisees got it wrong ...

For years when I tried to obey God's rules I would grit my teeth and flog myself for every slip. I thought this was the right way but actually it only produced in me a Pharisee, not a loving child of God. I am learning that love is a two way process and that the way to learn to obey is not teeth gritting nor self-flagellation but the understanding that God loves me. His commandments are another doorway into understanding His love for me.

Jesus - the true model of good

Jesus said when He was on earth, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching." (John 14:23-24)." When Jesus was on earth He repeatedly criticised the Pharisees for their legality and burdensome laws (many self-invented and not from God). That was not a model of a person who loved and obeyed God. Jesus Himself was the perfect model. He was the only person who ever obeyed God fully and yet He had such love for people that they were always drawn to Him.

Like father like son ...

God calls us not to robotic obedience. If only Adam and Eve had talked to God about not eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil they would have learnt more of God's love for them. Instead, they accepted at face value the deceitful words of the serpent that God was denying them good things. In believing the serpent and rejecting God they damaged their relationship with Him.

'No' can be good for you!

I have a friend who tells these wonderful stories on Facebook about her daughters. Recently, she told a story about one of her daughters who caught her eating a bag of chips past its expiry date. Her daughter asked for some;  and of course the answer was 'No'. Not willing to accept the answer, her daughter pressed in to ask, 'Why, Mom?'. I am not sure if her daughter will remember why she was not allowed to eat expired potato chips but I am sure she will remember the good time she had talking to her mother.

So this is what God calls us to - to love and obey His Laws; and in so doing, to love Him and to know His love as well. Amen.