Letting Go

God brings people - imperfect, fallible and sinful people into the Church - people like me. If it were only us, it would have been a recipe for disaster but it was not. God redeems and out of our mess He creates miracles ...

One moment on top ...

More that half year ago, I was invited to step down from leadership in church. I had initiated a discussion regarding some disagreements and to announce my plans to step down from leadership at the end of my term in a few month's time. I didn't expect to be invited to step down with immediate effect at the end of that conversation. One moment a church leader, the next moment an ordinary member.

To say the least I felt slighted by this turn of events. Pretty soon after that, whenever I was in church I felt all eyes on me. Yet no one uttered a single word to me about my sudden departure from leadership nor thanked me for my work. What was most hurtful was that everyone acted as if nothing had happened. They all evidently knew about the development but chose silence. I could not say I didn't understand their reticence - in the past other leaders had similarly stepped down and had caused pain in church by their very angry and public exits. The people in church were wondering if I were planning to do the same.

Success is a heavy burden to bear ...

For some reason, I felt the burden of success more acutely when I reached this current stage of my life in the late forties. The privilege of youth is the permission to fail. With age, with reputation, with a family to feed, the option to fail became more and more unbearable. The idea of success crept up on me insidiously - it was as if I had gotten out of bed one morning and learnt with momentary delight that I had achieved a certain degree of success; and almost immediately the fear of failure set in. Whether at family gatherings, school reunions (do the frequency of these seem to increase with age?); and how could I forget Facebook? Of course I curated everything that my friends and friends-of-friends got to see. Even more importantly I wanted to make sure that I had something to show - my beautiful wife and children, my fantastic holidays, my lovely dinners, my career successes. Who would ever write "I was just asked to eat humble pie - so embarrassing :( "?

Control ... or the loss of it

The fear of failure - I realised that at its root is a control issue, the fear of loss of control. Once I had gotten to be "King of the Hill" I was desperate to make sure nothing in my environment would create a slippery slope; and for a man of certain "standing", I wanted my opinion and wishes respected and complied with by the people around me.

In other words, I wanted control of the world and this was exhausting because that was a God sized job and not a man sized job. How often had I said "Let go and let God!" and hadn't meant it. Letting go and letting God should mean that I had peace to accept whatever happened to me because God was in control. As Carrie Underwood sang in her song "Jesus Take the Wheel" - I was supposed to be taking my hands off the steering wheel of my life and letting God drive. In truth my hands were ever only inches away and ready to slap God's hands off the instant He drove my life in a direction I didn't want to take.

And then they become teenagers ..

If you ever want to learn what it means to not be able to control someone - have teenagers in your home. Now that I'm in my late forties I have three sons who are in their teenage years. Overnight, you suddenly cannot get them to sleep at night, you cannot get them to wake in the morning, you cannot get them to take their eyes of their mobile devices, you cannot get them to tell you about their day ("... ok ..." is all you hear), you cannot get them to take out the trash when you want them to. You get the idea.

Recently I decided that one of my son's studying and results were not up to my standard. Immediately the control freak in me leaped into high gear. I made him map out every hour of his after school life, made him declare what he would study and have regular meetings with me to give an accounting. Surely this was what he needed to shore up those flagging grades (please note these were judged against Asian Tiger Dad Standards - what may have been perfectly fine to anyone else).

It didn't work - he didn't follow the plan and there was always some reason why he couldn't meet me ("I forgot" being the most common excuse). Every time I turned my head it seemed like his eyes were on his mobile device rather than his books. There were many angry exchanges and interrogations. In the penultimate explosive exchange he looked sullenly at me and said "I'm not doing it because I don't want to. I don't like it". I thank God that at that point He gave me the good sense to ask "What then do you want?" and then to listen. Basically my son wanted 1) "Let me live my own life my way"; and a big surprise to me 2) "Read the Bible with me."

Turning Control over to God

The number 2 request blindsided me and comforted me at the same time. Perhaps in all my failures as a dad I had not failed in everything after all. So we did - we started reading the Bible every Sunday. At 5.15 pm he would promptly say "Pa Pa, you want to do it now?" and we would turn to our Bibles. We didn't prepare before hand. Sometimes we would read what he was reading, sometimes what I was reading and sometimes just a random selection. We just read and let God speak to us from His Word. Invariably there would be something that God would say to him or me. No fantastic prophetic announcements but meaningful to both of us nevertheless.

Marie reminded me the other day "Did you realise that the two of you have been doing this without a break for the last 8 weeks? And you've been consistently adding God's truths into his life." No, I had not realised. It was also about that time that God reminded me of the lesson - to take my hands off the steering wheel of my son's life too and to let God. "His studies" God said to me, "is between him and Me". Of course the call was not to drop my son off into an abyss and forget about him. In the Bible, God said,  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Trying to control my son? Totally exhausting; and that was not even my job. My job was to point him to God and to let God deal with Him.

Learning to Let Go and Let God

Coming back to the church incident, I thank God that providentially I had gone for a work place workshop around that time. The workshop endeavoured to teach us a different perspective - that in every situation, especially when one's interest was challenged, avoid self-protection first but look to what was best for the situation. While I appreciated the perspective the workshop was teaching I also thought that there was no real way any normal human (I don't profess to be a saint) could be so altruistic unless he first took his hands off the steering wheel. Why did Jesus die with great pain and suffering on the cross for our sins? Firstly because God wanted him to; and because he loved and trusted God. Then secondly because His death was good for us. The church incident was hurtful to me, did I tell you that already? Were there times when I wanted to strike back? Were there times I wanted to create a big scene to justify myself and defend my ego? Of course, of course, of course a hundred times over.

I thank God that He gave me the peace not to. I took my hands off the steering wheel. I trusted God to take care of me. He knew the good work I had done. I didn't need to justify myself. I tried to do what was best for the situation and I promised to continue teaching the children in the ministry I was no longer leading. The human mind could not understand this. It was not intuitive but truly God's ways were better.

Losing something to gain a whole lot more

In stepping down from leadership, I gained many more opportunities to teach the children in church God's truth. This had been my original passion, not this leadership thing. When the people in church saw that I had no intention of turning the world upside down they started to feel safe with me again. About six months later, a lovely lady from church came up to thank me and to present me with a gift in appreciation for my work in the ministry. I could accept the gift humbly and graciously because I had not created a scene. This was exactly what I had wanted - a tangible appreciation, no matter how big or small, from someone in church. It could not have been possible until I had given up my own desire to strike back, to force people into acknowledging and appreciating me.

Church Children's Day Celebration 2016

God Redeems 

One year ago, I could not have imagined that I would be up on stage in church, wearing a rainbow coloured wig, with Marie by my side, using science experiments to teach the children and adults in the audience God's truths. My pastor had graciously invited me to share the pulpit with him in our church Children's Day Carnival. We were "Chef Marie and the Mad Scientist".


The Bible says "For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?" (Mark 8:36). God reminded me that even if it was possible for me to control the world, it was not possible for me to gain my own life. To gain my life I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel, let God drive and learn to appreciate the ride. Amen.

And for the Country Music Fans:

Jesus Take the Wheel, Carrie Underwood

 

Receiving PSLE Results - A Third Time (Reflections and Thoughts)

It's That Time of the Year Again

In 2011, 2013, and this year in 2015, I've had a son return to his school to collect results for that all important exam we call the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination). The results determine the chance of the child to get into the school and programme of his (or maybe his parents?) choice.
I have written about my experience with the PSLE for my two older boys in these two blogs:
PSLE Blog 1 and PSLE Blog 2; and as promised I am now writing about my experience a third time round.

Been There, Done That? Or Not?

My PSLE Journey with Jonah

This being the third time, I knew what to expect when we went to the school to collect Jonah's results:
1. All start in the auditorium for the announcement of the top scorers in the school - check
2. Parents to wait outside the classrooms for each boy to receive his results from his teacher - check
3. Jonah gets his results, no crying, confirm he is ok - check
4. Praise and congratulate him - check
5. Time for celebratory lunch - check

It would have been easy for me to take things for granted this third time round thinking that I already know exactly what to expect; and I would have done my son and myself a big disservice. Certainly knowing what was ahead did make some things easier. I thought I was quite cool when I was in school waiting for Jonah's results. In some other things though knowing did not mean that I had learnt a better attitude or response this third time round.

Fear - the common denominator?

I learnt from the past that many of my actions to get the boys to study was borne out of fear. I was anxious that this one exam would make or break their future. It was like that 35 years ago when I took this very same exam. My parents gave me dire warnings that if I didn't do well I would end up in schools (called 'Star Schools' then) that only took in non-performers who couldn't make it anywhere else. My results were certainly no where near that desperate but if it made me study harder ... It is still like that these days, if not worse. Parents complain about the unbearable burden and unrealistic expectations of the system on our children yet we push our children to keep up with, if not exceed, the rest of the herd for fear of losing out. Fear drove me to scold Jonah to get him to study. I had already seen from the first two times how too much scolding was counter-productive. It made them lose interest and self-motivation to study. It broke their confidence.Yet it was easy to convince myself that my actions were justified again this time round - if I didn't scold, would he study? And if he didn't study, what would become of him? 

When I took him through his lessons I started to see in Jonah's eyes  that look of apprehension when he didn't get the answers right and my voice started to rise in volume and pitch. He developed a nervous tic with his fingers. At times I would joke that I was expecting a "A*" from him for his science subject as proof that I could open a tuition centre as a second career. I said this jokingly but when I said it over and over again it must have just added to his stress although he didn't say anything about it.

This Old Dog can still learn New Tricks

While I had not fully learnt my own lessons this third time round, thankfully at least I had learnt enough from the first two rounds to make me pause. I didn't want Jonah to remember the PSLE as the "annus horribilis" - the horrible year when all he had was scolding after scolding. This should have been the year that he knew of my love and support; and more importantly, to personally experience God's love and support. All I had been doing was reminding him over and over again how he wasn't good enough and how he would damage his own future. I was transferring my own fears to him and making them his fears.

God's Love!

The story of Jacob from the Bible - Jonah's drawing on the left and mine is
on the right. This particular one on "how to sleep in peace".

So I decided to start reading the Bible with him. I wanted Jonah to hear God's voice and not mine in the run up to the exam. I was prompted by God to choose the story of Jacob in the Bible. Why else would I choose this character of the many from the Bible? I would have thought that this man, a shepherd who lived centuries ago had nothing in common with 12 year old, living in modern day Jonah. Jacob was not the most honest man - he cheated his brother of his birth right and his business dealings were suspect. He constantly lived in fear of those who would seek revenge. He was raised to believe that if he wanted to succeed in life he had to grasp at things with his own wit and cunning. He didn't fit our traditional idea of a man who deserved God's blessing. Yet God blessed Jacob because he clung to God. "Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord[f] will be my God." (Genesis 29: 20 - 21)". It seems we have a God who cannot deny us when we cling to Him.


If I had not ceased my own frenzied scolding, then all Jonah would have heard would have been my angry voice. When I stopped so that we could hear God, I was amazed how many times God said to Jonah, "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you". Each day Jonah and I drew what God impressed upon us from reading the day's reading and saved these drawings into a book.

This book is a precious collection of all the verses, pictures
that Jonah and I wrote down and drew in the months running up to the PSLE.
I told him "Grab this book and run out with it if the house ever catches fire!"

If I did anything right this time round, reading the Bible with Jonah was probably at the top of the list. Hearing God for himself and feeling it in his heart gave Jonah a peace that exceeded the effect of our human reassurance before and during the the exam. A friend said she was amazed when she saw photos on Facebook of Jonah playing with his younger brother on the eve of his exams. 

Everyone for himself?

When we place the outcome of our children's futures solely on their shoulders and theirs alone, we place an unbearable burden on them. Can we, even as adults, assure ourselves of secure futures based entirely on our own efforts, controlled by our own hands? The Bible teaches us that our future is secure only because it is in God's hands, not because of good PSLE Scores. Even if the child scores well, let us not forget what God says : "You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today." (Deuteronomy 8:17-18)." Salvation comes through the God of the universe, not finding a good tuition teacher.

True or False? 

Question: "Good PSLE grades = Happy Life; Bad PSLE grades = Sad Life".

Answer: "False".

One other thing that I have learnt from these exams - you might not get the scores you want but it's really not the end of the world. Neither of Jonah's older brothers scored exactly what they had hoped to score (or what we had hoped they would score); and we all experienced disappointment of sorts. In retrospect Marie (my wife) and I felt that the exam was a good gauge of our sons' abilities. Their scores helped to place them in schools that were a good fit for them. They have since found their footing in their respective schools - they have pursued their interests, developed their gifts, grown in character and increased in their leadership abilities. They are happy where they are. You really don't need to top the class lists to have a good secondary school experience.

Jonah wasn't in the top scorer list in his school. He didn't get that "A*" for his science subject that I had hoped for but he did well enough to get into the school of his choice; and that is good enough for me. As I said to him "God gave you good enough marks so that you can get into the school of your choice; and low enough to keep you humble." More importantly, he didn't just get a year of scoldings. What he got instead is a book collecting God's promises to love him and take care of him, which he personally experienced. This is a wonderful foundation and milestone for the rest of his life.

Redeemed

In this past year, the word "Redeemed" and its other forms - "Redemption", "Redemptive" appeared repeatedly in what I've heard and read . If I have a chance to speak to the powers that be in of our local education system (and who knows I may actually have a chance) I will tell them that I believe our system has gone off course. The PSLE is no longer a tool to assess but to judge; and with judgement came condemnation - "not good enough". Three words we fear and teach our children to fear at their tender young age. 

Our education system should be redemptive. It should not judge but assess accurately the abilities of our children with an end point of discovering how to harness their full potential. The technocrats call this "value adding schools". The Bible calls it "Redemption". 

Happy after the exams!

In Conclusion:

This conclusion took a long time to write because it just wouldn't come out right. I had wanted to write "The World judges but God doesn't judge"; and it struck me that it wouldn't come out right because I was writing only a half truth. The truth is this "The World judges and God also judges but ultimately it is only God's opinion that really matters".

We cringe at that statement because it is no longer in vogue these days to talk about God the Judge. We only want to hear about God who is love and grace. We think God can only either judge or love love but we find it hard to grasp that we have a God who is both Judge AND Love. 

Our God describes Himself as the "Shepherd who seeks out the lost sheep", the "Father who waits then runs eagerly to embrace the wayward returning son", the "Mother who comforts her repentant children". Our God's Love is all the more glorious and magnificent because He is also the Judge; not less. He judges but His heart of compassion is always reaching out to those of us who are "not good enough". If that was not so then why do we celebrate Christmas, why do we celebrate Jesus who came to earth to die on the cross? His coming, His works and His death on the cross is the ultimate declaration and solution both to God's Holy Judgement and Perfect Love. 

I listened in on a junior doctor telling a medical student in the hospital the other day that "no matter how good you are, somewhere along the way of your medical career you will fail a test or an exam. It's just the nature of things." So it seems if by your efforts in academia, your good Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) records, your list of leadership roles, your good school testimonies, when you finally get into Medical School (the dream of many parents for their children) the fear of being found "not good enough" still awaits you.

God did not come to help us succeed by the World's standards against all odds. He came so that we no longer need fear being judged by the World's standards. He came so that we succeed by His standards instead. In Jesus, we can always be found "good enough" for Him. As Jacob learnt, as I am learning; and as Jonah and His brothers are learning, it seems all we have to do is to cling to God and He will do the rest. Perfect peace at last. Amen.

Who Says "The Sky's The Limit"?

The Wind Rises

Have you watched the latest film by Hayao Miyazake - "The Wind Rises"? The man is an expert story teller and has elevated the genre of Japanese Anime to an art form. I am naturally a fan. His latest offering presents us in his usual style, bright-eyed protagonists who overcome obstacles to achieve their ideals and dreams. From his very first film to this his swan song, he depicts landscapes of blue skies and green fields, of magical worlds, fantastic machines and incredible creatures. I believe the ageless appeal of his films captures the very essence of being childlike - the ability to see beauty, wonder, love and kindness in a world that doesn't always present its best face to us. 

It was somewhat a bittersweet end to this last movie of his. The story was written against a backdrop of  real wars and rumours of war. Did I see hints of child characters in previous shows now drawn in adult bodies? Was he trying to say that all children have to grow up in the end? I hope not ...

("The Wind Rises" via IMDb)

Idealism vs. Perfectionism

I love blue skies and lazy white clouds. Looking at them give me hope and cheer me up. The weekend that I watched "The Wind Rises" I looked up to just such a perfect blue-and-white overhead. I thought about my work as I walked outdoors. My hope was that my efforts would enable every individual to have the healthy body, soul and mind to enjoy these blue skies as I do. 

At work, many think that I am a perfectionist. Of late I think that idealist is a better description. You may laugh that this is just splitting hairs - what's the difference? Well, perfectionists are people who pursue perfection for the sake of perfection. Idealists pursue perfection for the sake of a better world for the people who inhabit it. 

The Danger of Disappointment

The problem with idealists is that we are easily disappointed by people. We have high ideals for ourselves and people in general.  Disappointment sets in because we find it hard to believe that others do not have the same idealistic approach to this world.

I must confess that of late I have been disappointed by my workplace. No details, of course - this being social media after all. It was akin to feelings I had as a teenager when I realised that my parents were human after all - they didn't always do what they said was the right thing; and (Gasp!) they made mistakes! 

As I wrote to someone in an email, these feelings of disappointment were not something that I could consciously control. People at work tried to tell me I was wrong, that I should not feel like that. I learnt that I could not choose to turn my emotions on and off as I wanted to. My mind gathered the sights, sounds, words and thoughts at the workplace to produce an emotional response that was just as surprising to me as it was discomfiting to those at work. 

In truth I went to the Bible wanting to find words to justify myself in this work situation. I was right, the world was wrong. I turned to Daniel, Joseph and even Moses. These were men who were brought by God into a highly political situation. Absolute power rested with a few individuals. They started off as foreigners with little social standing in the society. There seemed little chance they could make any change from a human point of view. Yet, through them God demonstrated His absolute Power over human history. Nothing was out of God's control.

In the self-righteous mood I was in,  I zoomed straight to Daniel 6:10b "he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before." In this particular episode, Daniel was facing great opposition at work. He chose to demonstrate his dependence on God in a very  public manner and in return God acted in a very public manner to defend his honour (that famous Sunday School story of Daniel in the Lions' Den).

The view of the sky and trees from my desk

My Fight or God's Fight?

The first thing God pointed out to me was that my private praying was more important than the public praying.  “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." (Matthew 6: 5-6)

OK, so my talk with God was not quite going in the direction I had wanted it to. As I brought my work grouses to God in my private prayers, it showed that I was making this work issue be about me - my team, my work, my ability, my honour, my success. I was fighting because I felt threatened. As God pointed out - the more I fought for myself, the less I was working for God; and to depend upon my own abilities or strength was as good as setting myself up for failure. In the Bible, Daniel, Joseph and Moses clearly knew what I had to learn - the best chance of success lay with aligning with what God wanted. Who could ever stop God from getting what he wanted?

From Daniel:

"26 The king asked Daniel, “Are you able to tell me what I saw in my dream and interpret it?” 27 Daniel replied, “No wise man, enchanter, magician or diviner can explain to the king the mystery he has asked about, 28 but there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries." (Daniel 2: 26 - 27)

From Daniel's 3 compatriots:

"16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16-18)

From Moses:

"11 The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” (Exodus 4:11-12)

Waiting on God

The World teaches us that a stellar career is one that is constantly on the up-and-up like a shooting star. It would not be wrong to say that part of the feelings I had at work was the fear that I would be left on the shelf. God reminded me that those who do His work aren't always recognised or rewarded in the ways of this World. We could be in the limelight or be waiting in the shadows. 

From Daniel:

[King Belshazzar said]:"14 I have heard that the spirit of the gods is in you and that you have insight, intelligence and outstanding wisdom. If you can read this writing and tell me what it means, you will be clothed in purple and have a gold chain placed around your neck, and you will be made the third highest ruler in the kingdom.” 

Summer in Hanover

17 Then Daniel answered the king, “You may keep your gifts for yourself and give your rewards to someone else. Nevertheless, I will read the writing for the king and tell him what it means." Daniel 5:14,16b, 17)

From Joseph:

[Joseph said]:"14 But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison." 23 The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him. (Genesis 40: 14,23). When two full years had passed, Pharaoh had a dream ... In the morning his mind was troubled. Then the chief cupbearer said to Pharaoh, “Today I am reminded of my shortcomings. Pharaoh was once angry with his servants, and he imprisoned me and the chief baker in the house of the captain of the guard. Now a young Hebrew was there with us ... We told him our dreams ... And things turned out exactly as he interpreted them to us. 14 So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, and he was quickly brought from the dungeon. (Genesis 41:1,8-10,12-14)

Occom Pond, Hanover - real blues and greens.

Intentional Waiting

I was also learning that waiting on God did not need to be passive. For one, taking a step back allowed me to review my work for the past 4 years. I was able to appreciate what had already been accomplished. With a clearer understanding of the foundation that had been built, I got together my team leaders to review our plans and re-prioritise our work. In doing so, we saw that instead of expecting more resources, we could scale back, simplify, stretch out or even stop some of  the planned work. This also gave my team some breathing space. I did not realise that I had wound them up so tightly and put them at risk of burnout.

Blue Skies and Green Fields ...

In the end, I still think it's great to be an idealist. The World needs more people like us who believe with a gusto that the sky should be bluer and the fields be greener. Yet, man can have big dreams but never as big as God's; and man can do great works but never as great as God's. Those in the past who have learnt this watched as the Red Sea parted for them to escape their enemies, remained safe in the presence of hungry lions whose mouths were shut tight, watched themselves elevated to the highest positions in foreign lands to change the very tenor of these societies for God; and much, much more - I think even idealists would have little to be disappointed about when God acts.

Totoro - Studio Ghibli

All Bible references are NIV an via Biblegateway.com

God Hears Our Cries

Birthday Breakfast

                 Happy Breakfast Birthday!               

It was one of my sons' birthday and Marie had planned a zoo trip because it was also a school holiday. Not knowing about the school holiday until too late, I didn't manage to take leave from work. I was feeling somewhat guilty about it and managed to shift things around my calendar so that we could have a birthday breakfast celebration together.

The breakfast was going fine until the end when we looked up and noticed that the sky had turned dark. Even before I finished saying, "Don't know if it will ...", it started to thunder and rain. For this particular son of mine, birthdays were the paramount social event of the year. His expectation for this to be the perfect day had soared to a crescendo when it was brought crashing down into a bottomless pit; and he began to cry.

Crying Children

The rain that derailed the Zoo plans

Now I hope you will not judge Marie and I harshly. As parents of four boys, we have very little patience for children who fuss or cry. What is worse than having one child cry is having two children cry at the same time (not to mention three) - and they don't always cry about the same things. While dealing with the crying ones, the others who are not crying still need to be tended to. We very quickly move into the "zip it" or face the consequences mode. I think for me at least, my patience with their crying got less as they grew up. So in this instance, statements like "You're a teenager now ...", "You need to learn that there will be disappointments in life ..." and so forth came out from our mouths very quickly. Unfortunately the clouds were also not helping that day - they just got darker and darker, like the mood at the table.

How God Would Respond to Crying?

After the incident I reflected upon my response to my son's crying. Did it mirror how I thought God would respond to me whenever I came to Him with life's disappointments and regrets? Would He tell me to "zip it" or that "Life is tough and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger?". 

In response, God brought me back to the story of Hannah in the Bible (in 1 Samuel Chapter 1 - 2). Here was a woman who, at the start of the story, was unremarkable. She was one of two wives of a man. She was stuck in an unenviable situation of having no children while her counterpart had a brood. Therefore she had to endure constant taunts at home. Even though her husband loved her tenderly, it could not fill the deep emptiness her barrenness had left in her heart. 

Every year, the family when to Jerusalem for the annual rituals. In one of those years when her torment had been particularly difficult, as the Bible recorded, " In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." The priest in the temple thought she was drunk as he watched her pray (why are we always so judgemental of people who express their grief in public?). As Hannah explained to him: “Not so, my lord, I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” (1 Samuel 1: 15 - 16)

Sometimes Blue Skies are just round the corner

To cut to the chase, God heard Hannah's desperate cry to Him. Shortly after, she conceived and bore a son who would have a significant role in Israel's history; and thereafter she bore more children. No wonder in 1 Samuel 2: 1-2, Hannah sang a song of praise to God:

“The Lord has filled my heart with joy;

    how happy I am because of what he has done!

I laugh at my enemies;

    how joyful I am because God has helped me!

“No one is holy like the Lord;

    there is none like him,

    no protector like our God."

Never too small for God

For all intents and purposes, Hannah was not considered to have been of any significance in her society during the culture of her time; and her prayers to have a child to shed her shame was not exactly world changing. It would have been fair to wonder why God should even listen to her much less answer her prayer? But He did. I think the point is this - whether it is the deep desires of a woman for a child or the wish of a birthday teen to have a zoo outing, God hears us. Sometimes we are wrongly led to believe that either we are of no significance or our prayers are overly parochial and self-centred for God to hear us. 

I do not want to make God out to be just a Santa Claus up there in the sky who is there to make our every wish come true. I believe neither are we spoilt kids who throw tantrums when we don't get exactly what we want. Growing up my parents would say whenever I was in the toy shop "You can see but you cannot ask to buy." Not every desire is wrong and we often bury these deep because we've been taught from young it's wrong to want. What we really long for is that someone, no less the God of the universe, to hear us and acknowledge our deepest cries, our keenest needs as valid and worthy. Knowing that we have been heard is what we really want. We can also trust that after hearing He will take the best course of action on our behalf. As the Christian author Josh McDowell said "He who knows you best, loves you most".

Happily ...

As a happy ending, while the skies didn't clear quick enough for my son to have his birthday zoo trip, they spent a terrific few hours at a shopping mall and capped off the day with a ride in a cable car when the sun and blue skies returned several hours later. He didn't get exactly what he wanted but he agreed that in the end it was a terrific day after all.

As I learnt, God always hears us when we cry and has compassion on us. I pray that He will also give me that compassion the next time my children cry in front of me.

Happy Ending to a wonderful Birthday Outing!

All Bible Verses NIV unless otherwise stated and viewed from BibleGateway.com

After the storm ... What's Next?

Winter Comes Upon Us

The winter of 2013 - 14 will be remembered for being particularly bad - frigid temperatures and unexpected snow storms that brought many cities to their knees. It was apparently caused by something called the Arctic Vortex. This was the first time I have ever heard of such a thing.

I had an opportunity to experience this for myself when I landed in New York right smack in the middle of a sudden snow storm that shut down the airport. My connecting flight to Boston was canceled. As I traveled into New York City to spend the night in a hotel, the entire city was gridlocked. A trip from the airport to the hotel that should have taken just half an hour, took two and a half hours of bumper-to-bumper traffic. When I finally got out of the airport van, the cold air that smacked me in my face was shocking to my tropical sensibilities. Frankly, my admiration for people who live in winter climates grew by leaps and bounds. It took mental and physical resilience to live here. Those of us living in balmy climates who wished for picture perfect snow white scenes on Christmas Cards do not know half of what we're asking for. By the way, snow gets blackish and dirty quite quickly. It's not pretty at all.

Marie and I will remember this period of our lives as being particularly challenging for other reasons as well. Other than the craziness of running a family of 4 kids (the last few months without domestic help again), guiding another son through the major PSLE exam (see: School Results (PSLE no. 2) - what I'm learning about school grades), busy work schedules, finishing my course assignments, early morning online discussions and lectures, we also engaged a designer to renovate a new home last June. We capped it off with a monumental move into our new abode in January 2014, two weeks before I traveled to the U.S. for the very last module of my course (which was when I landed into this unexpected snowstorm).

Challenging Times

Dartmouth College, a great place of learning

We had known in advance of these events, had planned for them and had survived with a whole gamut of emotions from elation to frustration. It is hard to do justice to our experiences in the past year with a few succinct words. Marie said it was more more like desperation than frustration - she had to endure more of it when I was away in the States; leaving her alone with the kids and the new house. It felt like juggling a thousand balls in the air all the time, none of which could drop. It felt like a constant stream of questions, decisions and incidents to handle. We couldn't let our guard down for even a moment. We hadn't intended for it all to converge into a crescendo at this one point in time. So perhaps it was no surprise that on 30th January 2014, 4:30 pm, U.S. Eastern Standard Time (EST), when the last lecture of my 18 months course was delivered, I felt both a sense of relief and let down that I had a completed a most challenging period of my life; and yet without any fanfare. Shouldn't there have been fireworks, champagne popping and inspiring Disney music? We only had our rather reticent professor thank us for the last one and a half years (of course later on I had the pomp and pageantry of a college commencement; but that was later on).

After the Storm 

Family happy in the new home ... finally

Now almost two months later I thought I was supposed to have more time after these major events. The time that I had set aside for my course work was like a hole that you dug in the sand. The tide came in and you didn't know where the hole went. My instincts told me, wait, slow down, take stock before deciding on the next steps but life seemed to hunt me down with more 'important' things that needed attention urgently.

Finally, I had a rare Saturday morning when I didn't have to rush a kid to a school activity and could sit down to breakfast and the papers. I'm sure it was God who arranged the time and the two articles in the papers that give me a one, two punch when I read them (I attach the links to the electronic versions here).



The first: "The Folly of Thinking We Know" (The New York Times)
The second: "Why being too busy makes us feel so good" (The Washington Post)

The first article talks about the fallacy of thinking it is possible to know everything that we want to know. The second article describes the absurd badge of honour that many of us display these days of busyness to the point of being overworked and exhausted because it drives our sense of self-worth. We think we are important and of value to society just because we have no time for anything but work.

Mr. Know-it-all

The reason why these two articles read together really hit home was because my business at the workplace is much about finding information and making information known; and of course a large part of my daily life is spent at work. I started work at this current work place fours years ago on 18th March 2010. Maybe if my boss knew how little I knew about the work then, he would not have offered me the job. But from day one I gave myself this personal motto: "I will only not know something once." The first 90 days was filled with asking, questioning and diligently studying any piece of information I could lay my hands on about the organisation.

With time, when people in the organisation noticed that if they posed me a question I would find them the answer, a line began to form. It struck me that this need in the organisation was something that I could build the core purpose of my team upon. I trained my team to "Either provide the right answer; or link the seeker to the person with the right answer". I made sure my team never gave the answer "I don't know" or "My department is not in charge of this" - "No Wrong Door" Policy as they say. One of the staff on my team said recently "Wow, are we supposed to be the Google of this organisation or what?"

Life in a snow storm

While it felt good to be the source of information for many in the organisation, it was true that I couldn't know everything, especially information that specialists spent years training for. It was also an enormously heavy burden to bear. I learnt that more important than providing information was teaching others how to find information for themselves - not fishing for them but teaching them how to fish.

Slow Down ...

The temptation for me now has been to run out to fill my newly 'free' hours with more of the same work. These two articles are like speed bumps telling me to slow it down, to consider filling my life with the important stuff, not merely more activities. They remind me of the writings of a wise man, purportedly the wisest in the world. A man named King Solomon whose musings were captured in the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible. In his own words "I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens" (Eccl. 1: 13) and he found that "this, too, is a chasing after the wind" (Eccl. 1:17).

A Wiser Guy

Even in a snow storm,
there is beauty

If we only gave this book a superficial, cursory read, we would think the author was a guy who was clinically depressed and in need of therapy. Everything was "meaningless" or "folly". This time as I applied the reading to my situation, I realised that the words of the book was a warning to those of us who pursue only what can be seen with our visible eyes - work, riches, success, pleasure. He does not deny that there are good things here on earth - "Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart ..." (Eccl. 9:7a); "Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love ..." (Eccl. 9:9a); "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might ..." (Eccl 9:10a). However, he warns us that the pursuit of these to the exclusion of an awareness and a respect for the God of the universe is folly. "Remember your Creator", he exhorts all of us. Otherwise, even with the full extent of his unrivaled wisdom, he could not make any sense of this world - bad things do happen to good people, good things do happen to bad people; and if there was no precious eternal afterlife with God, then what was the point of this short and painful, present one?

Start and Stop with God ... the best bet in any Storm

The passage of the past 18 months for me could be likened to a Tsunami. The gale force magnitude of the events drove Marie and myself to action with little time to ponder the consequences. Yet, now that the events were over, I realised that there was a greater danger - like a person paddling just to keep afloat in a storm, I did not know to stop paddling even though the storm had passed. Marie feels that God is telling her this is a winter period of our lives. Winter is the time to hibernate, to slow down ...

Someone asked me recently how I planned my career. The honest answer is that I have never planned my career. At every point of my work I have only tried my best to do what I understood to be God's calling for me. The rest has been God's doing. God seems to be calling me now to stop, to listen to what He has to say and to be sensitive to His promptings to choices ahead of me. Unless I want to end up with a life of "folly" and "meaninglessness", I think I better obey.