Marie and Me - Part 2 (The Arguments)

"Commitment is not an emotion; it's a character quality that enables us to reach our goals. Human emotions go up and down all the time, but commitment has to be rock solid. There are some things every leaders needs to know about being committed: 1. It usually is discovered amid adversity; 2. It does not depend on gifts or abilities; 3. It comes as the result of choice, not conditions; 4. It lasts when it's based on values (from Leadership" - Promises for Every day, John C. Maxwell)

Nobody told us about this ...
Of all the advice Marie and I received before we got married, nobody told us we would have to argue. Okay, we didn't HAVE to but we did; and the truth is we argued quite a bit. Now 15 years down the road we know that the arguments, however unpleasant, were an integral part of the process that made our marriage strong. Getting married without such awareness and possessing the normal person's general distaste for arguments, there were many times we wondered if there was anything seriously wrong with us.

Why do love birds quarrel?

What did we argue about? Well all sorts of things. I suppose no different from what other couples would have argued about. Seemingly inane things like "Why didn't you help me find my car keys?", "Why do you drop your clothes on the floor and not pick them up?"; to more significant things like how we spent our money or whose turn it was to take care of the crying baby in the middle of the night. 


(Marie: Yes, what did we argue about?

Expectations:  We both had (perhaps still have) high expectations of each other and we wanted each other to meet them right away!  Expectations like knowing what to do in a crisis, when to help out, what to say when the other is feeling elated/downcast/angry/irritated, what to receive as a birthday present, what to do on a holiday, what to do on a weekend afternoon, what to do when the baby is crying...  The thing about expectations is that we have a desired response in our minds but we do not articulate it and hope the other party will read our minds and deliver.  Of course, that's a landmine waiting to explode every time! 

Finances:  We kept quiet about finances for a long time.  Perhaps we believed that it was not polite to comment on each other's financial choices.  Perhaps it was because I still had some money stashed away in my own private account.  But to converge with each other as marriage draws a couple in, we could not remain silent about our differences in spending and saving.  In our case, when we made the choice to have one income, we ultimately had to talk and often confront each other about money.  We pulled several late-nighters over money.  I recall a major one over buying a new TV - did we have to wait until our trusty 25" CRT Sony TV finally died before we could get a slimline wide-screen TV?  This argument was emblematic of our money differences.  Chi Hong is frugal and carefully considers how he spends his money.  I love to shop and have often made impulse buys only to regret later.)



Parallel Lives
One night we were both woken up by Joshua's crying in the middle of the night. As a baby, Joshua probably cried the most of the 4 boys - the fault of his first time, overly attentive parents. Marie went to attend to him. It took a while to settle him so by the time she returned to our room I had fallen asleep. She was furious and said that if I didn't help her at least I could have waited up for her. That ended in a late night argument (one of the worst types). On my part I felt aggrieved. I had had a hard day at work and was looking to another one in 6 hours' time. I felt she didn't appreciate my efforts to provide for the family. She in turn felt that I was overly committed to my work and that she bore the burdens of raising our burgeoning family alone.

We came up with this term "parallel lives". We felt like two people living together in the same home but not able to connect. It didn't feel good. In fact it felt very isolating to know that my life partner and I could not find convergence. We asked our friends if they had experienced the same thing but they said 'no'. We wondered what we were doing wrong. In retrospect, this feeling was no more than two people pulling in towards each and finding that to live together as a married couple, there was much more we had to learn about each other. The root cause of our arguments was really one person standing there asking the other, "Do you hear me, do you understand me, do you know my inner most wants and needs? Do you acknowledge it and will you be willing to do something about it (not necessarily solve it)?" and finding the other person not understanding, not perceiving the need; and sometimes even disparaging it.

Quality and "Quantity" Time
All we really needed was time. There was no other way. We should have shown each other grace and given each other the time and space but we were angry and impatient with each other instead. To have time meant we had to stick to our marriage. Perhaps the best piece of advice we got before marriage was - "If you don't want to divorce, don't entertain it as an option". I remember going to work one day after another argument and thinking "Why is this so hard?" but thank God I stuck to it.

The good news is that marriage is never static when you're working hard at it. It started getting easier when we got into our third and fourth year of marriage (Marie thought it was much later - she's always had a better memory for the details). We started to understand each other; and we learnt how to argue. The most important thing we understood about each other was that we were both trying our best. As Marie said, the irony was that we were working ourselves to the bone and yet not recognising each other's effort. Many times we suppressed our own needs till we could stand it no longer. Then we would explode in angry screams for attention. Understanding and trusting that Marie was trying her best at all times was an epiphany for me. I realised that when I thought she didn't care it was because I did not understand her words or actions; not because she couldn't be bothered. We also learnt that the issue that caused the argument was the common enemy, not each other. Therefore we argued to defeat the enemy, not each other. 

Discovering the Treasure

Our famous dinner dates

Friends have asked why Marie and I go out on dinner dates so frequently? The answer is simple - it's because we enjoy each other's company. After all, we were only married 3 months before a spark of life appeared in Marie's belly (that spark of life is now a teenager who sprawls on the sofa and leaves no space for others). The children are well trained to know that it's pointless to ask to come along when it's Mom and Dad's special time. Arguments in themselves have no value unless they help you to understand your loved one and yourself better. Through our arguments, we broke through our superficial understanding of each other and found beneath the surface an even greater treasure trove of that special something that attracted us to each other in the first place. Then we realised that arguments weren't the only way to learn more about each other. There were so many more pleasant ways. 

The other day we were at this restaurant "Xi Yan" celebrating our anniversary. The manager offered us a reward if we could guess the five ingredients in their "Tang Yuen"(glutinous balls). I rolled my eyes and popped them into my mouth straight away but Marie rose to the challenge as she would when it came to any culinary matters. She managed to guess four out of the five ingredients. My wife amuses and intrigues me in so many small and big ways every day. I have learnt to observe her because it is a great prize to know her intimately. A friend noted that whenever we're in the same space we are constantly talking to each other, updating each other on the latest bits of information. Why not when there is no end of things we could talk ( nowadays I even have to fight with the boys for time to speak to Marie)? 

Time apart was also opportunity to discover things about each other. Marie and I enjoy holidays differently. She likes to explore cities and their histories. I like doing nothing, absolutely nothing, lying by the beach, napping in the hotel room. We realised we didn't always have to spend holidays together and get on each other's nerves. We've spent several holidays apart and have come back with more things to talk about. It's not conventional and some people can't believe we do that but it works for us. That's what matters.

A Sign of Life
To me, sometimes it is a good sign when people argue because it shows that they are emotionally invested. In our early years of marriage, we could have just given up, rolled to our own sides of the bed and gone to sleep. We would have argued less but what would that have gotten us? Probably nothing but a slow death of our marriage. Our inner most thoughts that should have been articulated would have been buried deeper and deeper beneath an external veneer of "we are ok". That is probably how many marriages turned cold and die over the years.

The Last Laugh

15 years later and wiser (we hope)

Marie and I still don't agree on our room aircon temperature and fan speed. I like it warmer and on auto-speed. Marie likes it colder and on medium-speed. Well, we have found a happy compromise in a nice blanket. I think that one day if Marie were to go to heaven before me and I no longer had to quibble over the room temperature with her, I would keep the colder aircon setting to remind me of her. I would even miss the quibbling ... I guess that's what a good marriage is about!



"I have loved her even when I hated her ... only married couples will understand that one" (Cal Weaver in Crazy, Stupid, Love)

Cupid - Daniel Powter
but every now and then I'll start to slip away
I gotta' hear you say

Take me out spin me around
We can laugh when we both fall down
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
When I sing out of key
Still play air guitar for me
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight
Don't it feel all kind of right

Marie and Me - How it started ( a look back 15 years later)

Keeping a Promise
I promised last year that I would write about how Marie and I fell in love; and I'm late because it's already this year and I've not written it yet. As they say, better late than never - so here is the story ... or what I can remember of it anyway. Marie's always been the one who has the memory for the details. (Marie: That's because I kept a journal and recorded EVERY detail.  Yes, I'm a scary wife!)

We celebrated Valentine's Day at Lawry's this year as a 15-year-married couple. As we sat at the table enjoying the excellent food, we had a heartfelt conversation about what we had learnt in our years together. I was amazed, as I constantly am, that we have come this far and are still enjoying each other's company because it didn't always and still doesn't always feel like that.

Celebrating 15 Years!

If I can make one statement about what I have learnt it's this - "A great marriage starts with attraction but it's hard work that builds it for the years."

How it all Began
The first time I knew of Marie's existence was at a church meeting. Honestly, it was not love at first sight. Maybe God knew we were both not ready. Christian names weren't all that popular then and there I was this Chinese school boy thinking what's this girl doing without a Chinese name? And that was that ...
The second time we met was when the attraction began. We were on a church mission trip with a group of people and my eye kept being drawn to a little brown purse that Marie clutched in her hand. Out of this purse came intriguing things like tissue paper, money etc. There seemed to be no end to the things that could come out of it (Marie would tell me much later that the purse was an Esprit purse and it was black not brown, which just goes to show you how poor my memory is for such things). By the time Marie knew of my attraction to it, she had already thrown the purse away so I've never actually held that purse in my hand. Marie tells me what caught her eye of me was this guy who went around offering people biscuits and cookies out of a plastic box (I was trained in the military to always have food on hand - you never knew when you would need a snack!); and not just normal cookies but coloured wafers. "Now who in the world would do that?", she thought. (Marie: Those were garishly coloured Arnott's wafers.  I didn't take one but I did accept a chocolate he offered the next day. Chi Hong: Just to show how much Marie loves me - she bought me 4 boxes of these wafers when she was in Australia last year).

These started it off ...

After the trip we followed up with an 'outing' to watch a play and  I swear to this day that I didn't know it was Valentine's Day; and that it was incidental that I gave her a hand-made heart-shaped woven basket (I bought the kit and I didn't know the basket would turn out heart-shaped!) (Marie said to clarify that this was not our first date. Our first date was dinner at Prego).

I would have liked to have written ... and that was that - the rest is history; but that was not to be. As Marie has complained to me over the years - I certainly took my time to decide. (Marie: It was a whole year from going on the first date to going steady!) This is where it gets a bit fuzzy for me but she can remember every detail like it happened yesterday - how she made Tiramisu for me TWICE (Marie: TWICE!!) and I seemed unmoved, how her friend told her I was interested in some other girl, how I stood her up when we were supposed to meet up after a big church thing .... but each time she was ready to give up on me somehow I did something to pull her back again.

There was certainly Attraction
Marie was definitely attractive. She was intelligent and we could carry on long conversations on many different topics. We had common interests - books, movies, food. We didn't have the same taste in music (Jazz & Rock Soul / Motown vs Country *Marie says I got it wrong - not rock. Edited post publish) but we both agreed on James Taylor. We both believed in being committed to God. I remember this happened shortly after we had gone steady (it's out of sync with the flow here but it illustrates my point). We were all dressed up at a wedding dinner and I was returning to the table after a toilet break. Marie caught my eye and I thought 'Who's that pretty lady at my table?" With a start, I realised, this was my girlfriend and at that instant I was filled with this really warm, nice feeling. 

'Well you can't have a dream , 
And cut it to fit 
But when I saw you, I knew 
We go together, like a wink and a smile'  
From the song - A Wink and a Smile, sung by Harry Connick, Jr in the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle'

Those dating days ...

In my own defence as to why I took so long to decide - I knew we were not getting any younger and that if I committed myself to the relationship, I wanted it to work. To be committed, I needed to feel intuitively that the relationship was right, that somehow it fit, that we could go the distance. A large part of this was waiting for God to confirm it for me - and I've said this to Marie many times and I say it again here - it was God who took HIS time, not me. (Marie:?????)

There was no thunderclap the day I felt sure. I remembered going to Marie's place and was lying on her couch and it just felt like home - not really the place per se but I knew that Marie was the one I wanted to come home to at the end of every day; and this time, that was that - I was sure from that time onward and the rest was history.

Things progressed well enough after that. My parents were only little too eager to get their first daughter-in-law. When I announced to them that I was going steady with Marie after thinking about it for a while, my Dad said, "What's there to think about? If it's right, it's right."  I conspired with Marie's mom to steal one of her rings from her dresser so that I could buy her an engagement ring but of course nothing escaped Marie's eagle eyes so she was already waiting eagerly by the time I presented it to her on bended knees at a lake in Tasmania (what's the name of that lake dear?) (Marie: That was another half year wait...and it was Dove lake, my dear husband!)

The wedding and honeymoon were great. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Don't get me wrong - Marie and I, we enjoy the romantic part of a love relationship as much as the other person. We did (and still do) all the romantic stuff - movies, the dinners out, flowers, presents, concerts (James Taylor live in Singapore!). I still take peeks at Martha Stewart Wedding Magazines at the bookshop and we both harbour a secret wish that our children will one day organise another wedding for us to renew our vows (though with 4 boys ....). But over the years when we've quarreled, we've never stopped because we remembered how lovely our wedding was. We've come to the conclusion that (as we say in science) the relationship between a lavish wedding and a happy marriage is not statistically significant.

Committed to Loving for Life
After all, honestly, how difficult is it to look good, to be nice and considerate for the 3 or 4 hours when you're together on a date? And the wedding is really the epitome of a great date. When the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off and when the honeymoon is over, Marie discovered that the guy lying next to her snored so loudly that she couldn't sleep; and then the kids come and we fought over who's turn it was to stay up -  that's when the love lessons really began. (Marie: I wore ear plugs the first couple of years until I managed to train Chi Hong to sleep on his side.  Occasionally, I still have to contend with those snores then I jab him in the side and he turns over.  Love Lesson # 1:  Train your husband not to snore. Chi Hong: I thought my snore lull you to sleep these days ...) 

For better or for worse ...

I will be the first to admit that I love Hollywood romantic comedies - "When Harry Met Sally" (Marie and my favourite movie), "Sleepless in Seattle", "You've Got Mail", "Notting Hill" ... I could never understand in the past why so many of these actors and actresses could act out these love stories but then have such horrible personal lives.  Maybe for them too when the bright lights were turned off, when the makeup came off ... they forget that real life was not so pretty after all.

What was that wedding vow? "...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;  from this day forward  until death do us part". It is now 15 years later that I am beginning to understand the significance of these words ... The vow is to learn love and make it real through the ups and downs of  a life together. It's ironic how we often think the beautiful marriages are the airbrushed, jet setting ones rather than the ones with the messiness of life, kids, happiness and even tragedies.

Before marriage I thought - I was a good guy, I knew how to be nice, I knew how to buy flowers, I did all the romantic stuff like in the movies. It was after marriage that I realised what a selfish, horrible person I could be. There was so much I needed to learn about loving and living with this woman whom I have committed to for the rest of our lives together.

Building a Marriage with God
It is a great challenge to love in this way. I don't trust myself to succeed without help. But we know that when we trust God and follow His way - there is hope; and not just wishful hoping but hope that is real because it is grounded in Him. Psalms 127 : 1-2 reminds us that our own work is futile unless God is working with us. In marriage, the human relationship that God treasures because it reflects the relationship He wants with us, there is every hope that we will be blessed when we build it in His Way and with His Help.

Unless the Lord builds a house,

    the work of the builders is wasted.

Unless the Lord protects a city,

    guarding it with sentries will do no good.

It is useless for you to work so hard

    from early morning until late at night,

anxiously working for food to eat;

    for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Psalms 127: 1-2

The rest of this story - akan datang (or coming soon).

"When Harry Met Sally"

Hong Kong Trip June '11 - some thoughts

A lovely cafe in Hong Kong Island - quiet chats with no boys. 

"A Pit Stop – a short, quick recharge. "

A week after our return, I realised that was the best description of the Hong Kong trip that Marie and I took. We’d been working hard in the past six months at home, at work and at church and were exhausted. We slept, ate and shopped – it was great! Best of all, it was just the two of us :)

For those of you who have not 3 boys, the significance of being able to have a holiday without them may be lost on you. It is not easy to find people willing to take 3 active boys at a go. Happily, the boys and my parents have developed mutually enriching routines when they visit. So they were happy to take them for a few days but of course, this was also the reason that we could not have a longer trip – Marie and I are careful not to wear out our welcome.

Hong Kong Desserts - just for two of us to enjoy!

Marie also found a swim camp for two of the boys during that time, to take them off my parents’ hands somewhat as well. Marie is really good at this. When we were first married, Marie’s friend asked her why is it that she did all the organising of our holiday trips and I did nothing (Just to let you know friend – you’re not helping ...). Well the reason is because she is way better at it than me. Left to me, all our trips would be beach holidays – give me a nice beach, a good book, a cup of cappuccino, long hours for naps; and I’m good. Every day at work I make so many decisions, I want not to make any decisions planning holidays or during holidays. That is also why I avoid driving holidays if I can – driving is making decisions.

Marie is very good at organising trips. She says she is not because she thinks she needs to anticipate every possible turn of event. That is where over the years, we have learnt to be a good team. I have learnt that while I do not actively organise the trips, it helps to be interested and to give useful suggestions. When unanticipated events occur, I should not ask why but should swing into action. Once at Heathrow Airport when our luggage was unequally loaded, I swung into action, threw open the luggage right there and then and re-packed. After we had successfully checked in I was feeling rather pleased with myself that I reaslied Marie was still feeling emotional about the situation. It certainly would not have helped to question her about the packing.

What the two of us ate (OK, so they're all food photos - so?)

The mistakes and lessons we have learnt about going on trips is in a small way a mirror of the greater learning of our marriage and making it work. The bonus of learning our lessons well (listen to this kids) is that after 13 years of marriage we still find a thrill in going on trips together.

Oh by the way –  it’s not quite true that we were on this trip alone. There was someone else with us. That enigma will soon be revealed, together with the eating and shopping in Hong Kong...