The Journal of Best Practices . David Finch

 

Book 3. Bought in Kinokuniya for $25.79. Not sure when I bought it, published 2012, so probably quite some time back. Interesting book by David Finch who married his high school sweetheart and discovered in the 5th year of a marriage heading towards disaster that he had Asperger Syndrome. I quote "Of course, sensory issues and clumsy social exchanges don't ruin marriages. What brought my marriage to its knees were my God-given egocentricity and inability to cope with situations and circumstances beyond my control...I'm certain that pathological close-mindedness isn't one of the top qualities a person would look for in a spouse." (P.12). The book is his journal of how he worked to change himself to save his marriage, with his wife. As she reminded him, in her great wisdom, "...we can work together to fix our marriage, Dave. This isn't about fixing you."

I found this book interesting. I always thought that I was a good guy and a good catch in a marriage. Alas, I also learnt through my marriage that I was more ego-centric and selfish than I wanted to admit. Perhaps having an Asperger diagnosis was convenient for David, at least there was a clinical diagnosis to explain his behaviour, rather than having to face the humiliating revelation that I had no excuse for being selfish except that I was selfish.

The Bible tells us that Asperger or not, what ails all of us is sin. The Bible also tells us that we change, not from fear but from love. I am transformed because God loves me, just as I am, ego-centricity and all. I am learning to love my beloved wife @mariehwang because I am learning that God loves me. I no longer have to strive to demand from my marriage enough love for myself before I can love Marie.

Like David Finch, we realised our marriage was challenging within the first 5 years; oh, how we struggled ... and now with our 28th Anniversary coming up, we're still learning (& sometimes struggling). Perhaps that's why this book appealed to me then; David and I have common experiences, and I know I will learn something from his struggles. It's a Keeper for me.

The Durrells of Corfu . Michael Haag

 

This is my second book from my shelf. I bought it from "Littered with Books" in Singapore because Gerald Durrells' "My Family and other Animals" was one of my favourite childhood book. The sunny Greek island of Corfu took on a mystical quality for me - an island paradise filled with never ending fun, adventure and quirky characters; not least Gerald and his eccentric family.

From "The Durrells of Corfu", Michael Haag wrote "The Durrells themselves were masters of fabulation. All of the children were great storytellers and embroiders of tales. They complained about Gerry's My Family and Other Animals ... even as they happily appropriated each others' stories and, where necessary, invented new ones" pg. xi. In this book, Haag tried to tease out what were truths and what were hyperbole, tracing the lives of the Durrells from India to England, Corfu and then Europe and the US.

I was comforted that the real lives of the Durrels were at least equal to the stories they spun. What impressed me was that they lived their lives large and with seeming abandon. I contrasted this with my own very protected and circumscribed childhood. My paternal grandmother had this deathly fear that something untoward would happen to me, the first grandson of the family. I was this precious vase that people could admire and only handle with the greatest care, lest I shattered into a million pieces. I realised that her fear for my wellbeing seeped into my own way of living. I was risk adverse. I was happiest in well controlled environments. I even made a career out of it.

I worried if I had passed this fearful spirit on to my own children. It reminded me of another book I had not read (although not on my shelf) - "Joy Luck Club", where one mother griefed that she had no spirit to give to her daughter.

But God reminded me, it is He who gives us His Spirit "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8.14-15. May my family and I learn to live a bigger life for God.

This book is a Keeper

Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty

 

Here goes – first book! By no special preference other than it being on top of the pile. I picked it up from Books Xcess in Penang, Malaysia.

The book is about Sara’s struggle with barrenness and her peace eventually in God.

I quote: “The Lord whispered inside my spirit ... : if you never have a family, will you still love me? … It took me three days to respond ... Somehow, out of this darkness, which seemed so bleak, came a response that I didn't expect. It was so unlike me that I knew I was being overshadowed. The Holy Spirit erected a resolve in my soul that my flesh could not have produced… Yes! ... I began the ascent from rejected to chosen. Even when my circumstances were unbending God was good to me.” (Excerpts from Pg. 81-83)

"Lack and Loss" are the deep hurts we can carry in life. I have not had pain as deep as Sara's but I have lived long enough to know some. My career at this point is floating gently somewhere in the twilight before retirement. Due to a difficult work situation in the last few years, I lost work titles, position and authority. I watched my father fade away, losing ever more physical and mental capabilities, till his passing in December 2023. I reflected that whether I wanted it or not, time is the greater leveller. My younger self would not have believed it, but indeed after 50, one constant is the aching in some body part every morning when I get out of bed.

God knows that I cling to the temporal things of this earth for comfort and security; and miss the comfort and security I should find in Him. I desire perishable earthly goods. He offers me imperishable heavenly treasures. I fear mortality but God has given me immortality (1 Corinthians 15:54). I am learning (as Sara did) that "Lack and Loss" are doorways through which I go further into God, to experience "His infinite love, loving me infinitely" (Jim Finlay, Center for Action and Contemplation). Till my hands are empty I find it hard to seek Him..

I suspect I picked up the book because the title resonated with some part of my life at that point. It's a Sharer, not a Keeper though. If someone wants it please DM me. Thanks!

cf: Colossians 3:1-3; 1 Corinthains 15:54-55; Acts 17:28

Books! Books! Books!

 I have this shelf of books that I have told myself for a while to "Marie Kondo" them (appreciate them then let some of them go) but ended up not doing anything at all. I am thinking of starting a series where I will share my thoughts from at least one book a week. I learnt recently that there's no need to read every book cover to cover. Instead, be sensitive to that one or two things that leapt at me. I think likely that those particular words would be speaking to my encounters, my experience at this point in my life.

At the end I will also have to decide if the book is a keeper or a sharer. If you'd like a sharer book then it might also be a good chance to catch-up when I pass the book to you.

Hope you'll look out for this series