School Results (PSLE) - What I'm learning about school grades

Thanksgiving!
So 巧 or co-incidental that this year's 24th November was my eldest son, Joshua's Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) results' release, my youngest son, Samuel's one month celebration (both rites of passage in our local community) and the U.S. Thanksgiving. It was indeed a good day to give thanks.

My handsome sons:
Joshua (12 years) & Samuel (1 month)

Pursuing Grades - of this World or not?
Living here where academic excellence is do or die, where parents spend inordinate amounts of money on extra classes for their kids and say that they feel like they themselves are going through their kids' exams, I've always asked myself "How should Christian parents live differently?" 


If the Bible calls us to be in this world but not of this world, to avoid conformity to the patterns of the world - should we rush them from school to tuition to enrichment classes all day long and celebrate only when the kids bring back top marks? The local phrase we use is "怕输" - "scared to lose"; or in proper English "Fear of failure". Are we as Christians just as scared to lose as our non-Christian counter-parts? If we are then is there something missing in our faith?


Our words betray us?
And what should Christian parents say when asked about their childrens' results? The standard answer seems to be "Oh, none of it is my credit, it's all to the glory of God." Personally I find these answers unsatisfactory. It cannot apply to all situations and is mostly used by parents when their children get good grades. What of children who do not get 'good' grades, did they not bring glory to God? Or if grades were blessings from God, were they not blessed because they've not been 'good' somehow?


Good Grades or Good God?
In my musings I have come to realise that there are two dangers with pursuit of good grades:
1. That it is but the start of chasing after things in life that leads us to be defined by things, such as a great career, wealth, fame, good looks etc., rather than to be defined by the identity we have in Jesus and His death for us on the cross.


2. That we look at grades as an assurance of success and security in life when they are actually only options and choices for life's next steps. Every grade gives an option, there are no dead ends, especially when we are under God's care.


As I have written in my recent blogs - those who believe that worldly success brings joy and fulfils our hearts' deepest yearnings often learn regretfully that this is not true. My wife asked me why I was rather sanguine about the whole PSLE thing and my reply was that after working this number of years, I have realised that the amount of emphasis we place on academic excellence is somewhat misplaced. Those who only know how to study for grades are often lacking in social skills that are even more important in the workplace.


What I learnt from Joseph
During this period God brought me back to the life of Joseph (for those who are not familiar with this man in the Bible - look him up in Genesis 37 - 41. You can go to Bible Gateway http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2037%20-%2041&version=NIV)


Joseph was the favourite son of Jacob, the patriarch of the nation of Israel. Unfortunately, Joseph's brothers were so gripped with jealousy and envy that they plotted and succeeded in selling him to Egypt as a slave. This led to years of incarceration and slavery for Joseph till God's gifting on him were finally recognised by the pharaoh of Egypt through a series of events. Through these difficult years Joseph had but one option, to wait patiently for God to act. Eventually, God elevated him to a position second only to the Pharaoh and saved the people of Egypt from a devastating drought.


Honestly, which parent would not want for their child to be in Joseph's final position in Egypt? Probably all. But which parent would want their child to go through the journey to get there? Probably none. Yet the learning point is this, Joseph's life (and the rest of ours for that matter) was not something that could be engineered by man, only by God. So if Joseph had lived in modern times, none of those extra classes, top marks, top schools would have led to that position of 'success' that parents so desire for their children.


So what grades did Joshua really get?
You may think after all this that the reason why I'm writing this is because Joshua's results were not so good. The truth is that Joshua got good solid results, enough to get him to the school of his choice* and to have options to choose courses he desires. He is pleased with himself as we are with him. He may not have appeared on any 'top' lists but his results are a good reflection of the solid, consistent work that he has done through the year. Marie and I were already proud of him, his discipline and determination in his studies before the results were out.
* I am not writing down Joshua's actual results because he has already posted them on his own facebook page and I am of a generation that is more discreet when it comes to public announcement of grades.


I'm still learning too...
The real reason why I'm writing this is because I am no less affected by the pressures of academic success. I too get unhappy when the boys come home with 'not good' results. I have grown up with the belief that top grades are everything; and I believe within me I have much pride over this. But I hope I'm learning ...


I tried to be different when I was at school waiting for Joshua's PSLE results. To a mom whose son got top marks and gave me the usual 'It's not me, it's all God' spiel, I said, "You know, which ever grades our sons get, it's the exact grade that he needs - and that's what God has given to them." I got this blank, non-comprehending look, perhaps because I truly took the glory and gave it to God, not to her or her son. I'm still not sure this is the best way but I think it's a step in the right direction.


Edited by lovely wife, Marie ...

A Broken Fairy Tale

My wife tells me that if I publish this particular blog, I will have declared to many that I'm a secret celebrity junkie and that my favourite TV Channel is E! Entertainment. No shame there, I think ... for someone who likes stories, the modern celebrity is the fairy tales of old equivalent. There, did it, clicked on the Publish button and so now you know...

What Happened to Happily Ever After?
So if you're like me (secret or otherwise) and follow all things celebrity, you would have known that Reality TV Star, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband, Basketballer Kris Humphries on Halloween, a mere 72 days after their wedding (http://www.eonline.com/news/its_over_kim_kardashian_files_divorce/272506#ixzz1cvuGl5Sz)

“I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each  other the best” 

(Source: quptes.whyfame.com)

It's hard to love a show-off...

Source: urbanspit.com

Honestly, when I first read of the divorce on the internet I was secretly pleased. Their million dollar wedding, one of those reality TV things, was so in your face opulent and glamorous it had but one message "Too bad you're not rich and famous like me to have this sort of wedding ... so watch and weep."

But as things unfolded my sentiments changed. In as many interviews she gave after the divorce, Ms. Kardashian emphatically said that divorce was not what she had wanted - that she had wanted to be in love, to have a long and happy marriage, to have children. It was the irony of it all that struck me. How could you be smug or judgemental about this lady who seemed to have it all - beauty, wealth and and fame, yet still have what she  wanted elude her?

But who doesn't want to be loved ...

Click for Web Link

I am reminded of a scene from the movie "Notting Hill". This movie with Julia Robert's character as a world famous American movie star who fell in love with Hugh Grant's character, the owner of a quirky bookshop. Near the end of the movie, after several starts and stops to their romance, Julia Robert's character goes to the bookshop and opens her heart to him saying "The fame thing isn’t real … you know … I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Of course, as it should be in any good romantic movie, never mind the near impossibility of an international movie star's marriage to a poor bookshop owner, they marry and live happily ever after.

Real Life demands Real Love

Sadly for Ms Kardashian, real life is not the same as the movies. She wanted intimacy but what she got instead was a broken heart, the attention of the paparazzi and numerous scornful comments that this was a sham marriage for money. Why? Shouldn't love and happiness be the natural outcome of someone with physical and financial assets? It seems, contrary to what the World tells us, not. Recently also in the local newspapers I read the story of this chap who is so enamoured by his iPhone 4S Siri that he asks this electronic thing to marry him everyday. 

The moral of the story is that it doesn't matter who you are - rich and famous or only known to your speaking mobile phone - deep in our hearts is that desire to be loved and known. The Bible tells us that this need, first and foremost, is only met fully by the God of the Bible. He is the only one who knows you even before you're born, who knows your imperfections yet loves you perfectly (can you imagine what it means to be loved perfectly?); and has the power, resources and ability to effect His loving intentions.

We often hear people say that they would do anything for love. From what I understand from the Kim Kardashian's interviews, she certainly was not willing to give up Hollywood for love - which was what her husband wanted, to leave the crazy limelight and have kids in Small Town, USA.

But the cross is our promise that God not only says He loves us but acts accordingly and succeeds every time in giving to us the love that we need.

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3: 16, NIV, Biblegateway.com)

And so we can be sure:

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38 - 39, NIV, Biblegateway.com)

So the moral of the story is ...

While million dollar weddings are out of reach for most of us everyday man, let us be thankful that this is not a prerequisite to being known and being loved. 


Do you want real love or are you still waiting for that fairy tale to become real?

The Arrival Makes 4!

We Welcome a New Arrival!

So after an eight year break from milk bottles and diapers, our fourth son, Samuel, was born 24th October, 2:25 am, weighing 3.5kg. Our hope that this time we could welcome a new baby into our lives during office hours was dashed once again.

Being Present in The Moment
So was the fourth time round any different? I think we could appreciate the significant moments of this delivery more because we knew what to anticipate and also to filter out things of little import. We planned instead of panicking. We even had more control over how we wanted the events to unfold.

Still chance for a good meal first ..

I had a second meal
at midnight

On Sunday morning Marie felt out of sorts and spent the day at home. The contractions started in the late afternoon but she felt there was time to have a good dinner before admission. We decided to try a newly renovated hawker centre in Toa Payoh. When that was done, After dinner we brought the car to the car wash first because we didn't know when would be the next time we could get it cleaned. You'd be surprised how good it is to discuss things in the car wash. The car foam blocks out the external world and muffles the noise, creating a quiet, intimate moment for talking. It was here in the midst of the car wash that we decided it was time to go to the hospital.

Execute the Plan
Once we decided, it was getting the children packed for a stay over. We were going to send them to Marie's sister, Joanne's place because she stayed nearby. Her husband Mok had  kindly agreed to drive them to my parents' for the night. For ease of packing, we told the kids that they were excused from school the next day. We thought they would be ecstatic but instead got uncertain looks 'Er...but we have exams tomorrow and the day after.'. We were already starting to learn that the lives of the rest of the family could not shut down just because this new baby was coming. This spawned a second frenzied round of packing for school before we were off!

Are you sure?
So we were somewhat disappointed at the hospital when Marie was strapped on to the CTG machine that the nurses told us there was a big NOTHING! No contractions were seen. Marie was repeatedly asked if she was sure of the contractions, was she sure she had pain, which really didn't make us feel any better. We prayed and put the situation in God's hands. Later Marie told me that in her heart, she told God that this had to be it because she didn't want to have to go through all the arrangements and packing again (earlier in the week we had already had one false alarm - we had packed everyone off to a non-event).

The red line is Samuel's heart beat,
The black line is Marie's contractions

Within the hour, the machine was recording strong, regular contractions, exactly what the nurses were hoping to see. Then to our surprise, her obstetrician Ann appeared in full make up, jewellery and a gown. She had been at a dinner function and hadn't heard her phone ring till now. Thank God she hadn't arrived earlier to send us home.

Knowing what we wanted
Our past experience had also helped us to clarify and articulate what we wanted.. We made it very clear that Marie wanted an epidural and we wanted it to work (the epidural during her third pregnancy didn't work). Yes, we know there're all these controversies about the epidural but personally I don't see how bearing the pain of childbirth makes you a better mother than one who does not. It worked really well this time and it gave Marie and I the opportunity to have a good time talking and enjoying each other's company.

Good progress and then ...

The little train icon chugs along with the sound of
Samuel's heart beat. Very cute, looks and sounds like
a real train.

The labour progressed really well and fast. Within 4 - 5 hours of admission to the hospital, Marie was fully dilated.  The obstetrician said "Daddy go take out the camera. Baby's coming out."...and that's when Samuel got stuck. I could see the obstetrician getting somewhat vexed and the tension in the room rose. I know because I've been in these situations before. One moment everything seems fine and I'm happily chatting with the patient. The next, nothing seems to be going well and I'm muttering under my breath and frowning. So what should one do in such situations? One word of advice "Let the professionals do their job" They've trained for moments like these, they know what's the best

So I played the part of the excited father, trying my bestest not to get in the way while trying to get the best angle for the shot, yet somehow getting into everybody's way.

Marie was stoic and bravely pushed with all her might. I can see why Ann had sent her to pilates class during her pregnancy. This really helped her to use her core muscles to push.

Eventually though Ann had to attach a vacuum to Samuel's scalp. It seemed that every time Marie stopped pushing, Samuel slid back in again. At one point, the vacuum slipped off and had to be re-attached. When Samuel was delivered, there was an angry red round welt on his head.

Hello!
Finally, miraculously, Samuel's head, then shoulders, then finally his whole body was out. Looking at the exit site, I am always amazed how a baby ever squeezes his way out of the mother's body. He had arrived!

What he looks like with no makeup!

Firsts and Lasts...

The Proud Pa Pa!

As I watched Samuel crying under the warmer, it struck me that the situation was a contradiction of firsts and lasts. The many firsts for Samuel - first cry, first breath, first breast feeding, first steps. But for Marie and I, it will be our last pregnancy, last delivery, last time we do night feeds, last time we wean an infant, last time we register a child for school ...

First Family Photo

For me, the significance of the moment was the feeling I had that I had turned a corner in my life and had come to a new place, a new place where that there would be less and less firsts for myself; but more and more firsts for my boys. A generation had passed and a new generation has arrived. I suddenly felt my age, not in a bad way but in a good way. At 40+ with a lovely wife and 4 healthy, handsome sons, God has certainly blessed me in my 4 decades.

Epilogue:
So how is it like taking care of a baby the fourth time? In general, we're more relaxed. A case in point - the day after the delivery, the nurse pushed Samuel into the room for feeding and we said "No, no, no - keep him in the nursery first. We still want to rest!" (actually we were watching a movie on the TV:). The nurse gave us this look which clearly said "What sort of parents are you?" but as I see it, I still have 20 years of child raising, nothing wrong if I start one or two days later.

At home, I'm no longer anxious if Samuel doesn't fall asleep straight away. If he's not drinking but awake, I put him in the rocker. If he's fine, leave him; if he cries, pick him up. If he's sleepy, put him down and let him sleep. I am getting less sleep but the funny thing is, it seems that Samuel is also less difficult to settle. Perhaps children are a reflection of their parents ... something to think about , not just for Samuel but for Joshua, Caleb and Jonah too...  
Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5: 1-2

Joshua, Caleb, Jonah & Samuel