Burp Once for Guy Friends!

Friends - a fundamental need
We all need friends. Fundamentally we are all created to have a need to be known and then be liked for no other reason than the good company we provide. We need to know that for some inexplicable reason, our persons are interesting enough and our conversations are funny enough that someone in this whole wide world will want to hang out with us. We need friends more than we're willing to admit - we tell ourselves if we have a family, a good job, financial security, we're set for life. Our heart tells us that's just not true. 


A lunch treat  
So I am glad that recently I could have lunch with my good friends, Kian Woon and Kim Chan.

Who would have thought?
30 years later and still having lunch together

When I started my current job two years ago, it took several months before it hit me that Kim Chan's office was just right across the road. It would be an incredible waste if I did not make time to meet up with him for lunch. Late last year, Kian Woon's work place moved closer to ours as well. This was the first time in all my years of working that good friends were working close by. Knowing that in two years time my workplace would be moving to a new location, the opportunity to meet up with these friends regularly is all the more precious.

Having said that, it still took us scheduling the lunch one month in advance to make it possible. "Can you imagine that?!!" we exclaimed when we finally met up. How impossibly busy our lives had become with work and family commitments.

When we sat down to eat, it took us a while to get into the groove of old friendship. We tried a bit too hard to be nice to each other. For high school buddies who used to snatch food from each others' plates while in school, this was a bit unnatural. I was glad that we got past this initial awkwardness quickly and were soon throwing good natured taunts at one another. (My son Jonah learnt this phrase "good natured taunts" in his English writing class but when he wanted to use it in a composition, he forgot and wrote "well mannered curses" instead, to the great amusement of us all).

1984 - When good dress sense did not prevail ...

I regularly have to remind the perfectionist streak in me that not every encounter with friends needs to be a soul baring event. We talked about many things - family, work, mundane things. We heard that our mutual friends were mentioned in our alma mater as success stories; but not us. We wondered why for a while, shrugged our shoulders and moved on to other things - no big deal. At least for the moment, we cared not about status or success but that we enjoyed each other's company. We laughed a lot - we laughed at each other, laughed with each other. This was genuine, good-friends, no harm intended laughter. I had not felt so relaxed for a long time.

Burp once for guy friends ...
I'm going to say this out loud - guys need guy friends. It's not a gay thing  because it has nothing to do with physical attraction. It has everything to do with being heard, understood and accepted. When physical attraction gets in the way, whether between a man-and-man or man-and-woman, the friendship is never quite the same. Harry explains this in the movie "When Harry met Sally":

When "Harry Met Sally"

The dialogue in text: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098635/quotes?qt=qt0221820

(for those who want to just read it straight can go to the end of the blog)

As the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" tried to explain (I think so because I've never actually read it) when a man burps, to a woman it's gross. To us men it's an expression of friendship (if you don't understand this you're not a man). It's about hanging out, kicking back. It's about fishing together and not necessarily catching something.  It's about guys talking guy things. Men need friendships that allow us to say and do things without feeling stupid. The words we say may be inane or they may be significant but what is more important is that someone has heard and understood. In this other movie "City Slickers" (co-incidentally another Billy Crystal movie), three guy friends explore their lives and their friendship:

"City Slickers (1991)"

Old Friends .. get better with age
Counting back, I will have known Kian Woon and Kim Chan for 30 years. When you've known someone for that long, they will change. We watched each other grow up, get married. Now we're watching our kids grow up. Friendships that have managed to last through the decades are special because when you've known someone over such a long time and still want to hang out, you know you've also found a friend who will watch your back.

Friends to journey with me ...

The one secret and critical ingredient to a long friendship is time; and not just facebook or WhatsApp time. Electronic medium is good for keeping in touch but long lasting friendships need real face-to-face to grow. You could not have the experience I did recently when I was meeting up with the guys. They wanted to go to this place with good food for breakfast but I said, "No, too far away. Let's just eat at that coffee shop near my place." Little did I know that the eating place I suggested wasn't open for breakfast. I arrived to find 5 glum looking guys sitting in a dark and empty place. During that breakfast (thankfully there was another good eating place nearby) I happened to take a close look at one of my friend's face and wondered since when his face had become so lined. He's been really successful but was he burdened by something he was not telling us? It's not so much the externals but the stories of friends' internal struggles and victories that cement the friendship.

Friendships begin as people who just want to hang out but it is time that will tell if there is something deeper that will hold it together for the many years to come.


God, our best friend
Yet, all the human friends we have cannot replace the void that God has created in us for His friendship - a void that only He can fill. 

There is one man's friendship with God in the Bible that stands out for me - the story of Enoch:
"When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. After he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked faithfully with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Enoch lived a total of 365 years. Enoch walked faithfully with God; then he was no more, because God took him away." (Genesis 5:21 - 24; NIV, Biblegateway.com). 

Once when I was driving alone, I imagined that God was sitting in the seat next to me. I listened to what God wanted to say to me. Then it came to me in my mind clearly as if someone had spoken, "Chi Hong, you don't have to try so hard to be perfect, you know. It's not as if I don't know what you're really like inside there."

A gentle rebuke from a true friend; and the tiniest fraction of what Enoch must have experienced. God always has our back, He will never change. He will always be a friend, even when He knows what you're like inside there. He loves you for no other reason than that He likes your company. Enoch hung out with God as a friend everyday of his life. He took God's promise of friendship literally and lived that out. What an experience that will be when we learn to be as Enoch was with God.

"He who knows you best loves you most." Josh McDowell.


Prologue:
For those who would rather not watch the When Harry Met Sally YouTube Snippet.

From www.imdb.com

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. 
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. 
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? 
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. 
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. 

Fathers and other men in our lives

 The Good Men in our lives

In this month of June as father's day comes around again, I am reminded that as men, we need other men, whether as a father, son, friend, coach, pastor, colleague and so forth to help us become better men - as is written in Proverbs 27:17 - " You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another. " (The Message).

I watched Men in Black 3 recently.  What makes this movie and the other 2 in the MIB franchise watchable, is the unlikely friendship between Agents J and K. Over the years, the straight laced, poker faced absolutely by-the-book Agent K and the suave, rubber faced, "throw the rule book out the window" Agent J have learnt that there is good in their partner's ways although it is so different from their own. What is sad ( I think this is also a reflection of real life) is that good male friendships on screen are invariably portrayed as two men grudgingly brought together; and even when they become good friends, are unable to express their appreciation for each other. 

The Good Father

I grew up in the generation that watched the Cosby show. Who wouldn't want Bill Cosby to be his father? He's funny, he's understanding and he always has the right thing to say for every situation. I remember as a child asking my Dad why he couldn't be more like Cosby. I wonder whether I hurt him with such a question. His answer was "but that's just a TV show." And he's right. Now that I'm a father to 4 boys, I can see the wisdom of his words. Most of us will never be such a perfect father (and thank God He does not expect us to be). I am flawed and learning that I don't always get it right with my sons. God is that perfect Father model but while I struggle with my imperfections here on earth, I will never be that one perfect role model for them. The solution is to allow my sons and myself to be exposed to positive influences from men in our community. 

The Cosby Show - Sit There Until You Eat Them

What We're Missing 

I believe that as men we're missing out when we won't admit that we need more than one or two beer buddies. The image of the ideal man portrayed by the media - that "Lone Ranger" who is immune to bullets, never cries, is never afraid and has a wisecrack for every situation is not real. We need real flesh-and-blood men whom we see everyday, each with their own strengths and gifts, with jobs and families, struggling with issues, sometimes victorious, often falling flat on their faces, to help us grow and be held accountable as the man God created us to be.

Samuel, Gets the Good Stuff  

The men in Samuel's life

Samuel by virtue of being born into a family of 3 older brothers will have the benefit of many male influences right from the start. From day one, he has already had to contend with his brothers' close proximity as they kiss him, hug him, carry him. Many have commented that his body is very firm and strong. That is because he has had to actively hold himself upright as his eager but not necessarily careful brothers carry him at all sorts of odd angles. From the time Samuel was aware of their presence, he has stared in wonder at them poking, wrestling and pushing each other. He is mesmerised  by them playing Beyblade, Pokemon, Xbox and iPads. They have taught him how to slap their faces with his hand and laughed when he scratched them instead (much to our chagrin) . He chuckled as they danced silly jiggles, sang silly songs and made silly faces. It takes no stretch of imagination to see that the minute he can, he's going into join in the melee. Clearly his brothers are and will continue to be his role models.

When is my turn?

Samuel was baptized on 20 May at 6 months of age. All our other 3 boys were similarly baptised as infants. This is our public commitment to raise our children in the ways of God.

What was different this time round - instead of baptism by sprinkling of water on the baby's head, Pastor told me that he wanted to dunk Samuel in the water. The official term is 'Baptism by Immersion'.  "Sure", I said "why not?". Perhaps this was somewhat unthinking and not a conversation that two men should have taken alone without consulting Samuel's mother or other women in church. This was after all, the first time this church had baptised an infant so young.

Have you thought this through Pa Pa?

As the baptism date got closer and I told people about the baptism, I got a few incredulous looks, arched eyebrows and "What??!!" questions about Samuel going under water. "Should be OK, lah." I thought. This response was perhaps not as scientific as my profession should have trained me to think. Thank God that everything turned out fine. He came out from under the water screaming but was more angry than frightened at the experience.

My father 

The Happy Family at the Baptism

I was glad that  my father could also be present to witness his baptism. I don't understand why I didn't appreciate him more as a kid. I wanted him to be like an American TV dad but he is Asian through and through. He may not express his love by words or hugs but he does love his family. I have learnt that his love language is giving gifts and being of service to others. Many people have come up to tell me that he is generous to a fault. Well, my boys certainly appreciate him - they love going to Grandpa's house as invariably one or all of them will return with a new toy or extra pocket money. I hope my Dad's generosity will rub off on them.

Our family friend

Kieran's latest visit (note the bald heads in the centre)

One of Marie's good friends, Kieran (who has since become very popular with the whole family), was also present for Samuel's baptism. Kieran is incredibly intelligent, very artistic (this is not your garden variety but serious studying for an art history doctorate type), into cooking, books, interior decoration and fashion. He could have been the perfect SNAG living an urbane life. Yet, he has answered God's call to be a missionary in a foreign land and has had to learn to live without these things that he love. Life is not easy and sometimes it gets to him. Yet he never seems bitter and always has positive, ministering words when he visits. I (and I hope the boys) can certainly learn self-denial, contentment and obedience to God from him.

My Buddies

My good friend Chee Meng, and the boys' godfather also made it inspite of his busy schedule. The boys love to boast to their friends about their godfather because he has a macho, alpha male job (not like their Dad's paper-pushing one). As I've mentioned in my blog previously Chee Meng and I go way back. At a time when I was a shy, awkward teenager God blessed me with a group of good friends. Two of them, Chee Meng and Kian Woon (whom I've also mentioned in another one of my earlier blogs) have had the most influence on me. They have both helped in different ways to come out of my shell. 

Chee Meng, challenges me to be who I am not. Where I seek to avoid an argument, he presses in to question and debate. Where I am trying not to be noticed, he speaks up to make a point. Chee Meng teaches me courage to stand up for what is right.

Kian Woon, on the other hand, has similar sensibilities to me. When we meet up, he and I begin a conversation and can talk non-stop for the next two hours. We talk about everything under the sun - jobs, family, friends, TV, movies, holidays, fashion, God. He has helped me to be more confident about who I am. 

What is Good takes time and effort

I am saying this because it is not easy. With the demands of family, work and studies, it takes effort just to find time and to fix a meet up with the guys (I'm always pleased when someone else takes the initiative to fix up something). I sometimes allow myself to go for months without meeting up and I end up with a deep sense of loneliness. I don't think this belittles in any way the good company of my wife or children. 

It is also not easy because I am not one of those guys who socialise with ease; who can sit down with guys they don't know well and start a conversation. The problem is my perfectionist streak that drives me to believe that I have to be witty in every conversation and that every one of these should end up in a deep soul baring session. As a child, my parents kept saying "Don't be shy, don't be shy, why are you so shy?" Honestly that did not work. It just made me feel more awkward at every social situation. 

So knowing what I know now, in the last year, since joining a new church, I have gone out on a limb to get to make friends with other guys in church.  On my own accord, I asked if there was a men's fellowship group that I could join (sadly the group is not active). This June, our whole family (with Samuel in tow) went for church camp in Malacca. It was an excellent chance for me to know and to get to know the other men in church. The guys were great - they were friendly and welcoming but honestly at times all I wanted was to hide in my own hotel room. Given a choice, I would rather have spent my time in solitary activities but I resisted that urge. I wanted to be more than just  a face and a number in the pew on Sundays and I knew that with my nature it took work. I am glad to announce that after camp, I now know the names of a few more men in church. They are no longer just faces I say "hi and bye" to every Sunday. It is a small step but I am glad I took it.

Church Camp 2012!

Thank you Dad and My Friends

So this year for Father's Day, I am reminded firstly that my father is a good man and how I must strive to be more like him to be a better father to my sons. I am also thankful for the good friends God had blessed me with over the years despite my shy nature. These men are helping me to be a better man, not just for my sons, but also for my wife, for my friends, for my workplace, my church and for the community that I am in. It's a great challenge but I am succeeding a little more each day with the right support.

Epilogue:

So what's it about men? I have made a point in this blog that men need to learn from other men. They cannot learn about being men from women only but they certainly need the support of women in their quest to be better men.

I watched this charming Nike Advertisement recently and it explains why. The man was goofy, dirty, puked his guts out and got all messed up, yet ended up looking endearing. The woman remained pristine through the clip, not even a drop of sweat, as she ran effortlessly to him. 

I would not call the man a loser but a winner. Somehow God has made it OK when men get messed up; dust him off a bit and he's good to go. In addition, to have a beautiful woman runs across the US and leap into his arms  - I would say this was a win-win all round. 

If the roles had been reversed and the woman was messed up instead - that would have been a cringe worthy video. It would have been a tragedy, not a romantic comedy. So it is clear why women wear makeup and men don't (well, OK, in this day and age, most men don't); and good makeup on women is great - I'm all for that (sorry, can't quite say the same for men with makeup).

God made men and women different. The difference can be amusing, exasperating and endearing but we must never make the mistake of thinking one is better than the other. Let's embrace this difference - that's what makes life interesting.

The End