Education - Tool or Master?

It's that time of the year again!
April-May and September-October - for those of who who have school-going children (and for those of you who have gone through the system yourselves), these months spell school exams. These are months of long schoolwork hours, sweat, tears and increased stress and tension all around.

Birthday celebration before school. Best way to start a school day!

As I write this blog on a Sunday, I have just spent the afternoon going through a grueling Science revision session with one of my sons. It started out with lots of scolding and it could have degenerated into a protracted scolding session but thankfully we found constructive ways to learn a lot of information in a very short time. 


Resisting the System
Marie and I have always tried to resist the pressures in the education system that are applied on the children (and the parents too!). When the boys started school, we congratulated ourselves that we didn't put them through private tuition.  We didn't drive them from enrichment class to enrichment class; certainly not on weekends. We wanted Sundays to be the Lord's rest day and not have the boys do any work. We said schooling was about the joy of learning, not about scoring marks.

Well, that was easy when the boys were younger. Once the first boy hit Primary 4, all that went out of the window; and progressively more so with the rest of the boys. The pressure to make sure our boys did well in school increased year on year the nearer they got to the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination). The fear that our children would not do well enough in the exams and derail their future prematurely with just one misstep drove us to do what we said we wouldn't. These days, I spend Saturdays waiting in McDonald's for one of the boys to finish Science tuition at a learning centre while I personally tutor another one of them. On Sundays, we rush back from church in time for Chinese Tuition. There was just no other day in the week to squeeze it in. 




Letter to the Forum Page

Recently my brother-in-law, whom I consider to be extremely brilliant and successful in his career, wrote to give feedback on our education system in one of our local newspaper discussion page. I think he managed to capture very succinctly the frustrations parents have with the education system.

First day in school!

I give a short quote from his letter  : "As a product of the system in the '80s and now a father of two children in lower primary, I fear that the system has become one of irrelevant, unrealistic standards.

And I come from the perspective of someone who excelled within the old system, yet always questioned the relevance of the education content to real-world settings. Sadly, the situation has gotten worse.

It is no longer a matter of excelling in class; to simply pass maths today, it is mandatory to have tuition to fill the gaps that teachers sometimes struggle to fill. If so many pupils require tuition, it means our education system has failed in its basic goal of imparting the correct skill sets."
(You can read the full letter here: TODAYonline | Voices | Standards are unrealistic)

What is a Christian Response?

I have often asked myself "What should my response be as a Christian, to the pressures of our local education system?" If Christians are called to be the aroma of Christ (2 Corinthians 2:14) in this world that does not know God, then surely our knowing Him would help us have a different response. I wish I could show a greater degree of peace regarding my children's future. The Bible says nothing (even bad results!) can ever separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:29).

As far as I can see, Christian parents are just as likely to send our children for tuition and enrichment classes as non-Christian parents. Nothing wrong with that but why do we do that? Is it to enhance our childrens' education or is it driven by anxiety and fear? If we do it for their education, do we do it to the extent that they have no time for play? Studies have shown repeatedly how crucial play is to a child's emotional well being. Yet we think it is ok to sacrifice that for one more hour of studies, hoping that will bring better results and an assurance of a better future (and when I say we, I also mean me).

The Lingering Effects of the System

Those school days when I still had hair!

This question is also important to me not just as a concerned parent but now that I am starting my Masters course pre-work, I can already feel some of my old 'ghosts' coming back to haunt me. 


I was not very fun as a kid. I was one of those who focused a lot of my energy on academic perfection. Doing well in exams was more or less the one main goal in my life. I sacrificed family holidays, leisure pursuits, disciplined myself to study every night and weekends. My wife, Marie had experienced firsthand my stress levels when I was taking exams as an adult some years back. She told me that it was no fun being with me during those times.


Having gone through the system, I find the lingering effects of the system in my life. There certainly is pride in there. I thought myself superior than others just because I scored better marks. I was unforgiving of myself for each mistake I made. As a working adult, I am more demanding and critical of people than I should be. I feel insecure when I do not perform well at work - I think people will not like me because I've made a mistake or let something slip.

Education - Tool or Master?

I believe the answer to the question of how Christians should respond differently is found in Matthew 22:15 - 22. In this passage, the religious leaders asked Jesus if they should pay taxes i.e. to obey human government and institutions. They were trying to trap Jesus to see if he would renounce tax paying, thereby calling for a revolt against human authority and government. Jesus' answer was sublime - “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.” 

So with regards to our education system, what DO we give to 'Caesar'?

Proud achievements!

As a tool, I think our education system is pretty sharp.  Our education system does a fairly good job to ensure that our children are suitably educated not just for our local setting but also the international arena. Some countries of the world and even some cities in the US may not be able to claim that. I believe we should, and also expect out children to, render a reasonable amount of hard work. For whatever ill effects the education system has had on me, the skills, discipline and knowledge that I have learnt through my schooling years are still of good value to me now as an adult. Where effort is put in, there are valuable rewards from our education system.


What we do not render to 'Caesar' and only to God is our whole lives and our goals. The Bible tells us to love our God with "all our heart and our soul and our minds". I think for me, it takes great effort to constantly check myself from crossing that line from seeing education as a tool to education being my Master. It is when we see education as a Master that we are driven by fear and guilt. The pressures to bow down to it are relentless.  Education can be a demanding and unforgiving task master in Singapore. It seems like it will only be pleased with nothing but perfect scores.


We have to reject the education system as our Master and turn to God instead who is loving, gracious and merciful. When I pray to God to help me study harder, get better results, in the name of doing 'good' work for God. Am I really saying that or am I actually asking God to help me meet the demands of my Education Master? God will not do that.

By Prayer and supplication ... and then Peace

A case in point - when I was studying for my 'O' levels exam, I listened to a sermon on Philippians 4: 6-7. The preacher said that we should honestly tell God whatever we wanted in our hearts. He may not give us what we want but He will give us peace. 


So I had been studying really hard and I thought I deserved the marks. So I asked God "Promise me that You will give me 8 A1s" - an A1 for every subject I was studying. I can still remember it as if it just happened. It was night time and I was in my room. Immediately I heard a clear voice say in my head "Why do you need that (i.e. 8 A1s) when you have Me?" That was it. God made it clear to me that He would not give me what I asked for because I was building my security in that instead of Him. Yet, those words from God gave me a peace. The funny thing was that from the 'O' levels onward, I've never gotten a perfect score for any of my exams. There would always be one subject where the result sort of went 'wonky' and I missed my expected marks. Each time I looked at the result slip, I would hear God remind me "You don't need that, you have Me." God has held true to this promise all these years.

Learning Grace and Mercy & Showing a better way
In asking us to continue to pay taxes to Caesar, Jesus is asking us to continue to be part of and to engage the human systems in our societies. As Christians, we should continue to call out for changes to the system to better reflect the love and grace of God. We should try more to accommodate those who are not able to show 'A' grades despite their best efforts. God's heart goes out to those who are weak, poor, brokenhearted, undefended. Systems that honour God must behave in the same way as well.

I want to be just like my big brother!

If I am going to reflect more of God to my kids, I think I would say more frequently "It's OK, let's just try again." I would give them more hugs instead of scolding. I would help them more to learn and understand instead of expecting them to get it right on their own by studying harder and longer.


We get flustered, angry, agitated, anxious, fearful when we think the education system will take care of us. God asks us to engage the system but He never asks us to depend on the system to take care of us or our children. It is His desire to take care of us and He will do that infinitely better than any human system could ever do.

As I was writing this blog, the words from this worship song struck me. Surely we have every reason to be at peace when we trust in our God who is "More Than Amazing".


More Than Amazing by Lincoln Brewster:
You're the one who walked on water
And You calmed the raging seas
You command the highest mountains
To fall upon their knees ....

You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our God
You're more than enough
You are amazing

Interviews - getting to the heart of the matter

Being Interviewed
I mentioned in my previous blog of my intention to pursue a Masters course. This came with an interview early this month by the school's Admissions Committee. I was a bit nervous because it's been a while since I've been interviewed but the interviewers were incredibly kind and patient, especially with the interview conducted via Skype. At times I could see the interviewers having a quizzical look - I spoke too fast and said too much. However, I'm glad to announce that they've accepted me into the course. They also gave such nice comments about my performance.

Would the boys follow my profession?

Being an Interviewer
So in a way, I've come round a full circle. A few months ago I received an e-mail inviting me to interview candidates seeking admission to a local university faculty. I said 'yes' and spent 2 days doing that this month. It chewed big chunks out of my schedule and gave my secretary nightmares but I'm really glad I did it.

Stories!
What I enjoyed about the sessions were the stories that I got to hear. These eager young men and women came to convince us of their achievements, commitment and sincerity to pursue this profession. They spoke of their families, friends, life in school and the military (National Service). Many were leaders in social and volunteer groups. Some were accomplished athletes, artists or musicians. We were told of their role models and teachers who nurtured them. They described the joys of life and even the sorrows of witnessing death.

For us interviewers, what the candidate said was as important as what he / she was really saying and how he / she said it. Certainly some degree of preparation was helpful but over-preparation stuck out like a sore thumb. Many candidates rattled off a litany of standard 'I'm here to change the world, heal the sick, help the poor' statements. We probed hard to find the genuine candidates.

Doors may close but is this the only one?
Simple maths would show that when there are more applicants than places, then not every applicant can be accepted. I felt burdened for the candidates that spoke as if their entire lives had been a series of decisions and actions leading to this one interview. As I explained to some of them, a world of options was opened to them with their achievements. To me, the interviews were really more like career guidance to assess if they had a long term fit with the profession; rather than tests to be passed or failed. Not being accepted to the faculty was not a closed door but an open door to the many other options available to them.

I'm good, aren't I?
I don't think many of the candidates bought that. The truth is that everyone of us when we're being assessed, want to be found acceptable, even excellent. As a perfectionist, I run a daily, ongoing interview in my mind - 'Why did you do that?', 'Why did you say that?', 'What do you think they would think of you?', 'Is this your best attempt or could you have done better?', 'What did you write in that email? Why didn't he respond to it?'. More often than not, I find myself wanting in these internal interviews. Some days the interviews are so loud and so persistent in my mind I can only turn to God and ask to know that in His grace I am acceptable, even loved in my imperfections.

Would they want to?

I wish I could keep all these thoughts within myself but inadvertently they leak out. At work, my bosses are really winsome people but I just cannot fully relax in their presence because of this monologue in my head. I think my bosses find me wanting so I find myself wanting (actually from my annual reports, they're quite happy with my work; which makes my internal monologue even sadder, doesn't it?). I am tense, always ready to jump to my own defense.

One of my favourite questions at the interview sessions (and I'll tell this to you because no candidate will actively prepare for it) is "Tell me about a time when you met with failure and how you handled it". Invariably, this question would be met with a stunned look and a long pause. These high performing young men and women came brimming with tales of success and did not expect to be asked about their failures. I guess some degree of awareness that life will not always be smooth sailing is useful. I remember my first year university exam results - not having any 'A's in the results slips and not being anywhere near the top of the class was a big shocker to me. The rest of my university days were to prove that I was a competent student but no where near outstanding amongst a cohort of brilliant contemporaries.This was a fact of life I had to learn to accept.

Jesus does interviews completely different
If there's anything I'm learning from these interviews, it's that I need to learn more of grace then of competence. God drew me to a passage in the Bible that actually recorded an interview. This one was conducted for a man who had failed miserably. In John 21, Jesus appeared to Peter and some other disciples. Peter had sworn that he would remain faithful to Jesus at all costs. At the crucial moment of Jesus' trial and crucifixion, the rooster had crowed as Jesus had predicted, signaling the three times Peter had denied Jesus publicly. He broke down in tears of regret and grief when he realised his own failure.

There's much that I can learn from Jesus. He knows that broken people need not be broken any further but instead need to be loved.. Yet, not a soft, cottony wooly illusion of love but a tough love - the real stuff. The type of real, deep love that we all want to be loved with.

Jesus appeared by a beach, beside a crackling fire, cooking fish and bread (Jesus cooked! How amazing!). As mothers know, there is nothing like a well-cooked meal to create a sense of warmth and security. Jesus must have known that would draw Peter in. Repair of a life always begins with the willingness for one to open his heart.

That does not exclude tough Questions!
But Jesus did not shy away from asking Peter the tough questions. Three times he asked: “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He probed to find out the real answer, each of these questions pierced deep into Peter's heart and caused him pain.


 John 17:3 "The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”. Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” 


He did this more for Peter's sake because He already knew what was in Peter's heart. It was Peter who needed to have an honest, clear understanding of the secrets in his own heart - the weakness, the lack of reliability hiding in there.


Trust him with your life

I can be anything God wants me to be!

The best thing one can do to repair a broken  man is to entrust him with what is most important to you. To each of Peter's answers, Jesus entrusted him with his sheep (the church). Not once was there recrimination for the betrayal by Peter at those crucial moments. Instead Jesus gave Peter the chance to try again. 


“Feed my lambs.”, “Take care of my sheep.”,  Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.

As I write this, God is also asking me "Chi Hong, do you love me more than these?". I think it will take me time to find the real answer and God will not stop till I know what that answer is. He already knows me and I am thankful that whatever answer I eventually give, God will still trust me with His work. Ultimately what we all want is to know we are loved and trusted even when we are terribly flawed - in God we will find that to be true.

Post Script:
This week, I conducted orientation for a bunch of new recruits who have finished their university learning and taking their first steps into the profession. I am glad to report that most of them are still bright eyed and enthusiastic.When someone asked "Do you think that you can still change the world?", I am glad that at least one young man said "Yes!" in a very loud voice. It seems the interviewers five years ago had chosen right. There is hope yet :)

This is a video by a couple of guys called the Skit Guys. I love them - they're funny, they like to laugh and in the process, they also teach God's truth. You can find more of their skits at http://skitguys.com/


Here, they re-enact Jesus' conversation with Peter, well, it's terribly Americanized but still a picture is worth a thousand words I suppose.

                     

Career Choices

Will I be missing out on this?

Taking up a Masters Course 
- Wise or Foolish?
Recently I decided that I should pursue a part-time Masters course (what? 4 kids, one under 6 months, a full time job - I must be a masochist of sorts). I asked my company if they were willing to sponsor my studies. "Sure," they said, "anything you want." The course I chose was somewhat niche so the company wanted to know if I wanted to consider a good MBA instead. "It'll come in useful some day if you become a CEO or COO."

Wow, talk about an ego booster! As we say locally I "can feel my head grow big already". As I prayed over my options, God reminded me that my career has not been a journey of pursuing higher positions and job titles. So far, as I pursued my passions at work with God's guidance, He has been providing me with career opportunities. If God wanted me to be a CEO or COO, then it would happen whether I had a MBA or not. There was no need to go pursuing one just for the sake of career opportunities.

So I informed my company that I was sticking to my choice. "I trust God to take care of my career." I said. While that sounded really good, God knew that I spoke this with a certain amount of pride. It was more important that I really believed this in my heart regardless of what happened.

God's Test
I believe God gave me a little test. Overnight and inexplicably I felt irrelevant to the company. Several key and important projects went ahead without the need for my input. At meetings when I gave my opinion, it came out wrong, sounding like criticism of my colleagues rather than constructive suggestions. I wasn't making significant progress with the projects assigned to me. It was as if I was once a major part of the river flow that was the life and work of the company. Now I was a pebble left on the river bank while the river flowed on without me.

I rationalised to myself that as much of my work involved writing policies, people came to me when the organisation was new to find out how to do this or that. Now that the organisation was more established, this need had diminished significantly. While this sounded logical, it felt hollow.

In this season of Lent, the 40 days before Easter when Christians ponder the significance of Jesus dying for us on the cross, God was asking me "do I really believe that my significance was fully based on my relationship with God?" My pastor said in a recent sermon "Walk before work" that we should always consider cultivating a relationship with God rather than merely 'doing' work for Him in His name. In Matthew 20: 1-16, Jesus tells a parable of workers hired to work in a vineyard. Each was promised a coin for the work regardless of when they started work. The workers who started work at the beginning of the day were unhappy that they got paid the same as those who started work only late in the day. From a HR perspective, indeed the remuneration in this parable made no sense. But when work is an opportunity to work with and know God more intimately, then pay will not weigh in so significantly.

Paul and Jesus - Career Role Models
In the Apostle Paul I have a good role model - "What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith." Philippians 3: 8-9. Paul had all the right credentials in Jewish circles in his time but gave them up and became unpopular in those circles to pursue what he considered an unbeatable opportunity.

Even Jesus made career choices. Choose to be a carpenter; live an ordinary life. Choose to be the Messiah; be tortured and crucified on a cross. If you think that Jesus jumped at the chance to be the Messiah, you would be wrong. The attraction of any accolade pales when one knows that extreme physical pain is involved. Jesus agonised over what God called him to do as we see in His prayer in the hours before He was arrested:

Luke 22: 42-44: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

And if you thought that Jesus was a passive and powerless victim of the situation, think again. At the point of His arrest, He chose restraint and submission when He could have razed the place with Heavenly power. He said at the point of his arrest:
"Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?" Matthew 26:53

I would say a choice that ends in sure death is not a smart career move. Jesus chose to be Messiah not because He would benefit from it but only because His entire life was based on being in a loving, obedient relationship with God.

Yet the irony is that we are never short changed by God even when we make choices the way Jesus did. In His case, ultimate obedience and sacrifice was rewarded with resurrection from death and an eternal, heavenly accolade:

"And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!

 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
   and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,"
                                                             Philippians 2: 8-11

Fight, Flight or Peace? Learning God's Ways

I learnt one thing in this episode - when I perceive I'm in a disadvantaged position, my natural tendency is to argue even more for my point, to fight even more to establish my position. I would also have become a more obnoxious character in the work place - like a child in a sandbox crying, screaming and kicking my legs because nobody wanted to play according to my 'rules' (policies) anymore.


What God wanted for me was exactly the opposite. If my opinions were not needed then I should be silent. If policies were no longer the top concern of the organisation, then find other ways to add value to the work. The funny thing was when I kept quiet, people started coming around to ask me what I thought; and that included my CEO who popped into my room one day saying he was sorry that he had to cut short a meeting as he had really wanted to know what I thought at that meeting (that made my day :)

Trusting God sometimes seem like a bad career choice. It goes counter to what career guidance books teach. These books create fear of missed opportunities and unrecognised talents and drive us to actions to ensure our own superior positions at work.


God does not promise that. He promises a different certainty - a certainty that rests in Himself, the One who created and is in control of everything in this universe. Faith in Him is being willing to hold His hand and walk instep with Him into a future that is unknown to me but fully known to Him.

40 days by Matt Maher

This interesting YouTube video depicts Jesus' 40 Days of fasting in the desert and how He finds a greater sense of Himself and His destiny when every physical comfort is taken from Him.

Words worth pondering over again:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God
something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
   by taking the very nature of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   by becoming obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

   and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord
                                                             Philippians 2: 5-11

Is Green Mean?

Judging Books by Their Covers

I had heard that the musical production "Wicked" was good. We had to plan way in advance and thanks to my sister who kindly agreed to baby-sit the boys, we made it to the show before its run in Singapore ended.

I like the "Wicked" story very much. As you may be aware, it is a parallel story to the book "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" by L. Frank Baum. The premise of the musical, as with the original story, is that we tend to judge others simply by their appearance. Just because someone is green, dresses in black and puts on a pointy hat - we think that she is evil. In contrast, the blond, pretty one, dressed in every girls' dream of a fairy ball gown - she's good. As one of the characters said, it's not a matter of what you are, it's what people you are that matters. This is the cause of many problems in our lives.

Put some powder on that green?

I thought one of the brilliant situations in the musical was working out how to make over a witch? A stylist's nightmare for sure, but if the problem is window dressing then let's put up a better one. Problem solved, right?

Last week a local newspaper reported that our nation has become the ‘OCD’ (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) Capital of the world. 1 in 30 people of our local population has OCD as compared to 1 in 40 in the U.S. OCD is an anxiety disorder that causes sufferers to have an uncontrollable compulsion to perform ritualistic and repetitive action like washing or checking (watch the YouTube Video – Jack Nicholson acts it out excellently). A common fear that OCD sufferers have is dirt and they are constantly washing themselves. Many of these people are totally incapacitated by these behaviours to the point that they can’t live normal lives. Sociologists and academics interviewed were of the opinion that the incessant drive in our nation to achieve peak performance and perfection contributes to the high prevalence of this condition here. 


So perhaps window dressing is not such a good solution. In the constant scrutiny that we're under, our minds still see imperfections that are not there and keep driving us subconsciously to clean up or cover up the spots.

Pin on badges to hide the green?

Beyond just trying endlessly to improve ourselves, we strive to window dress better by hanging external accolades, titles, validation to show the world how good we are. There is jubilation when this occurs but crushing defeat when it doesn't. I watched a BBC TV program called ‘Michelin Stars – The Madness of Perfection’. It is a documentary describing the intense pressure in the culinary world for chefs to receive and keep these stars as a nod to their cooking. The chefs both embraced this and vilified it for the intense pressure it put them under. There was an account of a French chef who took his own life at the rumour that he was going to lose his 3-star (world class) status.

My own experience
I re-wrote this blog several times because it just seemed so preachy. I realised that it is so because 1) we all know that we should not judge. I am not writing something new. From the time we're children we've been told that we should not judge others by their appearance; and yet we still do it; and 2) that this message is first and foremost for me. I should look at my own life first before writing this as if it is everyone else's problem but mine.


I know that I am a perfectionist and I judge myself and others more harshly than I need to. Reading my last blog about the lessons I've had to learn in my marriage would have illustrated this.


Just last month at a church-organized silent retreat, God gave me Matthew 8:2-3: A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." v2. God reminded me that I was driving myself to exhaustion trying to cover up my spots. The irony was my immediate response to promise God I would do better – more Bible Study, more prayer, more discipline. God said “No! Stop!”. I did not need a self-improvement plan – I needed a God-transformation. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. v3 



Change comes in a different way 

There is a need to break this vicious cycle of "I judge you, you judge me". I believe that in our society's drive to succeed and be perfect, we have placed on ourselves the heavy burden of a critical spirit. Matthew 7; 1-2 says:


 ¹ Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

I acknowledge that I am in need of such a change. The solution is not to tell myself "Don't do it, Don't do it, it's wrong" because that in itself is a judgment and will only stir up my internal critical spirit to judge others even more.

The characters in the musical also find out that they can't change the external colour of their skin or their own self, even when they use magical powers. The more they try, the worse it gets.

But they do find out that people can change on the inside. When people really care about each other, the good they show each rubs off on the other. The solution, as they learnt, is in relationships. In God I am learning "He who knows me best, loves me most". It is when I realise that my deepest, darkest faults are no longer judged that I can stop judging others.

 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:1, 33-34

 

I know this in theory now but it will be in living my life that my behaviour will change. As the story in the Wizard of Oz teaches us – the tin man looking for a heart, the lion looking for courage, the scarecrow looking for brains and Dorothy looking for the way home. It is in their journey and adventures on the golden brick road that they learn passion, courage, wisdom and direction. So pray for me that as I journey on my life with God, His grace and mercy will be more and more evident in my life. Amen.


Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight, declares the LORD. Jeremiah 9: 23-24

For Good (With Lyrics) - a song about how friends change each other for the better

I've heard it said
that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn 
and we are lead to those who help us most to grow
if we let them and we help them in return
Well i dont know if i believe that's true
But i know i'm who i am today because i knew you.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime

so let me say before we part

so much of me is made from what i learned from you

You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart

Now whatever way our stories end

I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

Marriage - Dance Lessons for 2

Conversations ...

6.45 am, Saturday morning, master bedroom, still dark out,

"Has Joshua woken up yet?"

"Yes, I thought I heard some sounds outside"

<Door opens> <Door closes>

<Door opens> <Door closes>

"He wasn't awake yet, all quiet outside. I've woken him up"

"So I'll drop him off at the MRT station and swing by the gym before I come back"

"OK, in the mean time I will make sure the other two do 1 hour of homework first. Is that Samuel crying?"                                   

<Door opens> <Door closes>

<Door opens> <Door closes>

"He's just making some sounds, not crying yet. So you're leaving at 10 for Caleb's tuition? Can you get lunch for me later?"

"What do you want - rice and vegetable?"

"Err...you can buy McDonald's for the boys and me too. Cheese burger and chicken wings."

"What is Jonah bringing with him - his science workbook?"

"Yes. So you're dropping Caleb and Jonah off at the MRT station after tuition? What about dropping them off at your Mom's p[lace instead?"

"Not unless you're driving down to pick them up"

"No, too much driving today."

"OK, so I will ride with them part of the way on the MRT so I can get to my lecture by 2. Jonah and I will eat first. I won't be buying drinks from McDonald's for you - very hard to bring back. Caleb can buy the drinks from downstairs when he gets back."

"OK. See you later, Samuel's crying now ...love you, bye!"

"Bye!"

Seemingly inane chatter ... certainly not something that TV studios would pay money to make into a reality TV series. This chatter though, gets Marie and I through the day with 4 boys, school, tuition, chores, work, homework. Without it, chaos would reign.

To me, this exchange is a near miracle - to start the day with it, barely see each other in the day, collapse exhausted into bed at night, a quick "I love you", fall into deep sleep and still feel connected as a married couple. It's a miracle because it takes 14 years of marriage to be able to have this awfully mundane, yet at the same time deeply intertwined conversations.

1998 - The start of it all

   When it began ...

Marie and I couldn't talk like this when we were newly married. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into - wanting kids immediately after getting married. God blessed us with Joshua one day before our first wedding anniversary. I was also taking my post-grad exam the same year as well. Our stress level shot through the roof in this our second year of marriage.

Marie:
We had our second wedding anniversary celebration at Prego.  I can't recall much of that dinner save for a commemorative photo that the restaurant staff took of us.  In that photo, Chi Hong looked tired and unhappy while I had a practised smile.  That photo uncannily reflected the stress and strain our marriage was undergoing at that early stage.   Joshua had just turned one.  We had a first birthday celebration for him - a big party -  a milestone no doubt, but it tired us out even more.  Chi Hong was unhappy with his crazy workload!  My mum's cancer had recurred and was testy and difficult.  All these on top of learning to live with each other......

I can't remember exactly but I think that's when we started having arguments and quarrels. We quarreled almost every other day. All those romantic Hollywood notions of marriage just crashed and burned. How could anyone imagine that marriage was going to be like that? Wasn't it supposed to be happily ever after?

Marie:
We went on a trip to Bali with the extended family.  Somehow, we quarreled almost every day, back in our room, of course.  At that point in time, Chi Hong was taking an extended break from work, 5 months in all,  to recover from the exhaustion of taking that very grueling post-grad exam as well as the aforementioned horrible workload.  On paper, it was a good idea, lots of family time.  In reality, the family time was marked with a lot of tension.  I thought he got in the way of my household routines.  I didn't know what to do with him being in and around the home so much.

What were we getting ourselves into?

We also struggled with the feeling that we were leading two separate, individual lives. Living together but not as one. I handled the work outside the home and Marie handled the things at home. We each had our own things to do. The best way to describe it was that we felt like two parallel lines destined never to intersect each other, even if we stretched it to infinity (as my maths teacher taught me in school).

Marie:
"Never the 'twain shall meet."  (from my Humanities background)

This was exactly what we didn't want in our marriage but we were lost in the woods and didn't know how to get out. We asked our married friends if they felt the same way and they all said 'no'.That made us feel even worse - was there something wrong with us? Was our marriage salvageable?

The 'D' Word

Before Marie and I got married, God arranged for us to attend a workshop on the Biblical principles on marriage. The trainer had a good point - if you don't want to have a divorce then don't even entertain the thought of it. I don't think Marie and I were really anywhere near a divorce but the arguments were certainly frequent and fierce. The British actress, Sybil Thorndike put it across nicely - when asked if she would ever leave her husband, she said, "Divorce, never! Murder, often!".

One day out of the blue, a thought struck me. The apparent randomness of that thought but yet so totally true of the situation convinced me that it came from God. The thought was "We're both trying our best." The way we were arguing, it was as if we both didn't care about each other. The irony was that we were working ourselves to exhaustion trying to make our marriage work. Yet instead of appreciating each other's efforts, we were just criticising each other.

This thought was like a light bulb coming on in a dark room. It didn't make the arguments go away immediately but it made us stop and try harder to listen to what the other person was saying.

Happy Times!

Marie:
We attended a married couple's retreat in early 2007.  The retreat was just what we needed.  We had had a massive quarrel the night before and were feeling rather jittery around each other.  It was good to listen to the struggles of other couples, even senior couples with decades of married life. A wonderful takeaway from that retreat was about conflict resolution: rather than thinking we need to battle it out with each other when we hit a roadblock, husband and wife can remember that we are actually standing on the same side and we can work together to remove the roadblock which was our common enemy. We are not each other's enemy. This was another turning point for us.

Love Language

Along the way, Marie also discovered this thing called 'Love Language'. We learnt that we had very different love languages - mine was 'helps' and 'spending time', Marie's was 'gifts' and 'touch'. So take for example - if Marie lost her keys, I would hunt high and low for her and feel it a personal achievement if I found it and gave it to her. But Marie would seem under-awed to me - "unappreciative" in my mind. When I lost my keys, Marie would continue doing her work and barely look up - "unhelpful" in my mind. The problem was "helps" was my love language, not hers - so this meant that we were working and working to show each other love and it was just not being appreciated. Understanding this helped us to appreciate and know each other better bit by bit by bit.

Things get better

Marie:
I love giving and receiving gifts and I really appreciate a well-thought present.  There was one birthday (mine falls on Christmas) when Chi Hong merely gave me books - a book on leadership and a history book.  I put on a brave smile but was seriously disappointed and also hurt. I didn't want books from my husband on the most important day of the year and those books weren't even titles I was interested in!  I didn't feel very loved but kept quiet about it but the emotions couldn't be suppressed and eventually exploded in another big argument much later.  Over time, Chi Hong has understood this part of me better, taking time to think about what I like and enjoy at that point and blessing me with special presents.  Last Christmas, for example, despite still reeling from the upheaval Baby Samuel brought to our lives, Chi Hong made the special effort to bless me with a Bose docking station/speaker for my iPhone, something that I'd looked longingly at for quite a long time!

   Less Quarrels ... More Fun

Over time the arguments did lessen. We're also happy to report that the parallel lines feeling wasn't as prominent. As each child came, we became more practised at supporting each another and anticipating each other's needs, to the point where we were able to have the conversation at the beginning of this blog (being able to go for weekly dates when the kids were older also helped). Of course, sometimes we would still have a real bad argument - was it in 2010 or 2011 when we pulled an over-nighter quarreling about how we used money? As I'm writing this blog, there was also an incident when tension rose and thankfully, fell before it peaked into a full scale argument.

As I write this, I want to qualify that I am not trying to position what Marie and I have experienced as a panacea for all marriage ills (although I think there are some fundamental principles here). Nor do I want to use this judge those whose marriages have ended in a divorce. As I grow older, I am increasingly aware how complex life is; and sometimes people have to make the best out of an extremely difficult situation. Don't get me wrong, I don't support divorce.  The Bible teaches that it is wrong. The hurt it causes the couple and their children is obvious. As I write this, the local newspaper reported that divorce rates are still going up. What the world needs from the Church is not more condemnation but more grace and compassion. Remember what Jesus said when the religious elders came to stone the woman caught in adultery? "Let the one without sin cast the first stone." No surprise that not one stone was cast that day.

Celebrating 14 years!

    It's a Dance!

So marriage is like a dance. When we start out, we end up most of the time stepping on each other's feet.  Sometimes we try so hard it almost feels like we're stamping on each other's feet. But dance we have to because there is no other way of getting better at this then practise, practise and practise; and now that I'm wiser (I hope), I would also say forgive, forgive and forgive. ... and the dance will get better, smoother, more co-ordinated and beautiful. 

1,2,3...1,2,3, we're still practising every day ...

Marie:
Someday, Chi Hong and I will take formal dance lessons.  Seriously.

What? Seriously??!!

P.S. - the YouTube Videos were from one of our favourite movies - "When Harry Met Sally"

                                                          The Happy Ending