Receiving PSLE Results - A Third Time (Reflections and Thoughts)

It's That Time of the Year Again

In 2011, 2013, and this year in 2015, I've had a son return to his school to collect results for that all important exam we call the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination). The results determine the chance of the child to get into the school and programme of his (or maybe his parents?) choice.
I have written about my experience with the PSLE for my two older boys in these two blogs:
PSLE Blog 1 and PSLE Blog 2; and as promised I am now writing about my experience a third time round.

Been There, Done That? Or Not?

My PSLE Journey with Jonah

This being the third time, I knew what to expect when we went to the school to collect Jonah's results:
1. All start in the auditorium for the announcement of the top scorers in the school - check
2. Parents to wait outside the classrooms for each boy to receive his results from his teacher - check
3. Jonah gets his results, no crying, confirm he is ok - check
4. Praise and congratulate him - check
5. Time for celebratory lunch - check

It would have been easy for me to take things for granted this third time round thinking that I already know exactly what to expect; and I would have done my son and myself a big disservice. Certainly knowing what was ahead did make some things easier. I thought I was quite cool when I was in school waiting for Jonah's results. In some other things though knowing did not mean that I had learnt a better attitude or response this third time round.

Fear - the common denominator?

I learnt from the past that many of my actions to get the boys to study was borne out of fear. I was anxious that this one exam would make or break their future. It was like that 35 years ago when I took this very same exam. My parents gave me dire warnings that if I didn't do well I would end up in schools (called 'Star Schools' then) that only took in non-performers who couldn't make it anywhere else. My results were certainly no where near that desperate but if it made me study harder ... It is still like that these days, if not worse. Parents complain about the unbearable burden and unrealistic expectations of the system on our children yet we push our children to keep up with, if not exceed, the rest of the herd for fear of losing out. Fear drove me to scold Jonah to get him to study. I had already seen from the first two times how too much scolding was counter-productive. It made them lose interest and self-motivation to study. It broke their confidence.Yet it was easy to convince myself that my actions were justified again this time round - if I didn't scold, would he study? And if he didn't study, what would become of him? 

When I took him through his lessons I started to see in Jonah's eyes  that look of apprehension when he didn't get the answers right and my voice started to rise in volume and pitch. He developed a nervous tic with his fingers. At times I would joke that I was expecting a "A*" from him for his science subject as proof that I could open a tuition centre as a second career. I said this jokingly but when I said it over and over again it must have just added to his stress although he didn't say anything about it.

This Old Dog can still learn New Tricks

While I had not fully learnt my own lessons this third time round, thankfully at least I had learnt enough from the first two rounds to make me pause. I didn't want Jonah to remember the PSLE as the "annus horribilis" - the horrible year when all he had was scolding after scolding. This should have been the year that he knew of my love and support; and more importantly, to personally experience God's love and support. All I had been doing was reminding him over and over again how he wasn't good enough and how he would damage his own future. I was transferring my own fears to him and making them his fears.

God's Love!

The story of Jacob from the Bible - Jonah's drawing on the left and mine is
on the right. This particular one on "how to sleep in peace".

So I decided to start reading the Bible with him. I wanted Jonah to hear God's voice and not mine in the run up to the exam. I was prompted by God to choose the story of Jacob in the Bible. Why else would I choose this character of the many from the Bible? I would have thought that this man, a shepherd who lived centuries ago had nothing in common with 12 year old, living in modern day Jonah. Jacob was not the most honest man - he cheated his brother of his birth right and his business dealings were suspect. He constantly lived in fear of those who would seek revenge. He was raised to believe that if he wanted to succeed in life he had to grasp at things with his own wit and cunning. He didn't fit our traditional idea of a man who deserved God's blessing. Yet God blessed Jacob because he clung to God. "Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord[f] will be my God." (Genesis 29: 20 - 21)". It seems we have a God who cannot deny us when we cling to Him.


If I had not ceased my own frenzied scolding, then all Jonah would have heard would have been my angry voice. When I stopped so that we could hear God, I was amazed how many times God said to Jonah, "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you". Each day Jonah and I drew what God impressed upon us from reading the day's reading and saved these drawings into a book.

This book is a precious collection of all the verses, pictures
that Jonah and I wrote down and drew in the months running up to the PSLE.
I told him "Grab this book and run out with it if the house ever catches fire!"

If I did anything right this time round, reading the Bible with Jonah was probably at the top of the list. Hearing God for himself and feeling it in his heart gave Jonah a peace that exceeded the effect of our human reassurance before and during the the exam. A friend said she was amazed when she saw photos on Facebook of Jonah playing with his younger brother on the eve of his exams. 

Everyone for himself?

When we place the outcome of our children's futures solely on their shoulders and theirs alone, we place an unbearable burden on them. Can we, even as adults, assure ourselves of secure futures based entirely on our own efforts, controlled by our own hands? The Bible teaches us that our future is secure only because it is in God's hands, not because of good PSLE Scores. Even if the child scores well, let us not forget what God says : "You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today." (Deuteronomy 8:17-18)." Salvation comes through the God of the universe, not finding a good tuition teacher.

True or False? 

Question: "Good PSLE grades = Happy Life; Bad PSLE grades = Sad Life".

Answer: "False".

One other thing that I have learnt from these exams - you might not get the scores you want but it's really not the end of the world. Neither of Jonah's older brothers scored exactly what they had hoped to score (or what we had hoped they would score); and we all experienced disappointment of sorts. In retrospect Marie (my wife) and I felt that the exam was a good gauge of our sons' abilities. Their scores helped to place them in schools that were a good fit for them. They have since found their footing in their respective schools - they have pursued their interests, developed their gifts, grown in character and increased in their leadership abilities. They are happy where they are. You really don't need to top the class lists to have a good secondary school experience.

Jonah wasn't in the top scorer list in his school. He didn't get that "A*" for his science subject that I had hoped for but he did well enough to get into the school of his choice; and that is good enough for me. As I said to him "God gave you good enough marks so that you can get into the school of your choice; and low enough to keep you humble." More importantly, he didn't just get a year of scoldings. What he got instead is a book collecting God's promises to love him and take care of him, which he personally experienced. This is a wonderful foundation and milestone for the rest of his life.

Redeemed

In this past year, the word "Redeemed" and its other forms - "Redemption", "Redemptive" appeared repeatedly in what I've heard and read . If I have a chance to speak to the powers that be in of our local education system (and who knows I may actually have a chance) I will tell them that I believe our system has gone off course. The PSLE is no longer a tool to assess but to judge; and with judgement came condemnation - "not good enough". Three words we fear and teach our children to fear at their tender young age. 

Our education system should be redemptive. It should not judge but assess accurately the abilities of our children with an end point of discovering how to harness their full potential. The technocrats call this "value adding schools". The Bible calls it "Redemption". 

Happy after the exams!

In Conclusion:

This conclusion took a long time to write because it just wouldn't come out right. I had wanted to write "The World judges but God doesn't judge"; and it struck me that it wouldn't come out right because I was writing only a half truth. The truth is this "The World judges and God also judges but ultimately it is only God's opinion that really matters".

We cringe at that statement because it is no longer in vogue these days to talk about God the Judge. We only want to hear about God who is love and grace. We think God can only either judge or love love but we find it hard to grasp that we have a God who is both Judge AND Love. 

Our God describes Himself as the "Shepherd who seeks out the lost sheep", the "Father who waits then runs eagerly to embrace the wayward returning son", the "Mother who comforts her repentant children". Our God's Love is all the more glorious and magnificent because He is also the Judge; not less. He judges but His heart of compassion is always reaching out to those of us who are "not good enough". If that was not so then why do we celebrate Christmas, why do we celebrate Jesus who came to earth to die on the cross? His coming, His works and His death on the cross is the ultimate declaration and solution both to God's Holy Judgement and Perfect Love. 

I listened in on a junior doctor telling a medical student in the hospital the other day that "no matter how good you are, somewhere along the way of your medical career you will fail a test or an exam. It's just the nature of things." So it seems if by your efforts in academia, your good Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) records, your list of leadership roles, your good school testimonies, when you finally get into Medical School (the dream of many parents for their children) the fear of being found "not good enough" still awaits you.

God did not come to help us succeed by the World's standards against all odds. He came so that we no longer need fear being judged by the World's standards. He came so that we succeed by His standards instead. In Jesus, we can always be found "good enough" for Him. As Jacob learnt, as I am learning; and as Jonah and His brothers are learning, it seems all we have to do is to cling to God and He will do the rest. Perfect peace at last. Amen.

Our Mortality - the end of it all, or is it?

Track Record and Voting

As I wrote on this topic of mortality, we have just gone through a nation wide election of our country's political leadership. During the campaigning period, the words "track record" was raised many times by the incumbent. Yet if you think about it, the best human track record only promises the possibility of continued good performance. Will those who are elected continue to do well in the future? Only time will tell. 

Perhaps the thoughts about my mortality and what I will leave behind started with the passing of the key founding father of our nation. In his lifetime, what he had built for the nation permeated and still permeates many aspects of the physical, mental, social, cultural; and maybe even the spiritual spheres of this little nation of ours.  It was hard not to feel emotional during the mourning period.

“I am often accused of interfering in the private lives of citizens. Yes, if I did not, had I not done that, we wouldn’t be here today. And I say without the slightest remorse, that we wouldn’t be here, we would not have made economic progress, if we had not intervened on very personal matters—who your neighbor is, how you live, the noise you make, how you spit, or what language you use. We decide what is right. Never mind what the people think.” – Lee Kuan Yew
Credit: Lonely Travelog (http://lonelytravelog.com/2015/03/23/in-memoriam-of-lee-kuan-yew/)

As "track record" got drummed into my consciousness repeatedly, it struck me that one person's track record was key to this topic of death and dying - that of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

"Boom ... and it all changed"

The other incident that got me thinking about mortality was the newspaper reports about a bomb that went off in the Bangkok City Centre a few months back. Locals and several tourists lost their lives. I wondered what it felt like for those caught in the bomb blast? Several years ago my car was rammed in the back when I was waiting to drive off at a road junction. One moment I was waiting for the road in front of me to clear - I'm not even sure I registered the bump - objects were suddenly flying in the air. Drops of liquid from my drink scattered in the air in slow motion like in the movies. I could see what was happening around me but my mind was unable to comprehend what had happened. Did it also feel like that for the unfortunate victims? Would their bodies have had time to register the blast? Would they have been thinking about dinner, shopping or the chores waiting for them at home one moment; and the next just nothingness? Or would they have been ushered into the presence of a greater reality? 

Jesus and Death

In the Bible, the book of John Chapter 11 gave an account of Jesus' response to the news of the death of a dear friend Lazarus. What stood out for me about the story was how His actions and words seemed bewildering to the people around Him at that time. His disciples couldn't make out by the way He spoke whether He meant that Lazarus was sleeping or dead. He waited 2 more days after receiving the news of his friend's critical illness before starting out to see him. Did He not remember that they walked, they didn't drive in those days? It was as if Jesus wanted to be very sure that Lazarus was truly dead and buried by the time He arrived (as was the case in the account). When he arrived, he was met by Lazarus' two sisters. To one he offered the promise that those who believed in Him would not die. To the other sister he seemed to commiserate with her grief and broke out in tears. Finally, He asked for the tomb to be opened to the utter disbelief of the crowd - the dead body would have been in such a state of decomposition that it would have emitted an overpowering odour. What took the cake was when Lazarus walked out of the tomb alive and well at Jesus' command. You could just see the jaws of the crowd drop to the ground.

I have come to learn that when a person's words are baffling it is usually because his world view is very different from mine. I hear the words he speaks but it means different things to each of us. Jesus did not see death as the end. The only possible explanation for Jesus' behaviour was that He spoke and acted as one who knew that life continued after physical death on earth. The behaviour and responses of the people to Jesus (as ours still do these days) betrayed an inner belief that death is final. There is nothing after that. As a bumper sticker said "Life is xxxx (expletive) ... and then we die".

Jesus comes to us, in a way like the aspiring politicians in the general election, asking us to believe in Him. But He was not just asking for us to believe in an academic analysis of death with Him as a powerless bystander. We are asked to believe in Him as the only one who had the power to free us from the clutches of death - "Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26). 

As for track records, Jesus had an impeccable one. Eventually Jesus was falsely accused and hung on the cross to die by the religious authorities at that time. The documentation of his death was quite convincing. Three days later as He had promised, He arose from the dead. In John 20, in an almost comical repeat of the earlier scene, one of the sisters came to the tomb to mourn Jesus' passing. She arrived only to find the stone covering the tomb moved and the tomb empty. Jesus appeared to her and asked "Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" (John 20:15). Puzzling questions, perhaps inappropriate even to those who saw death as the last act ... but not for Jesus who knew what the real deal was.

Daily Routines and what you leave behind

I do hope that my blog is not prone to morbid introspection or academic musing only. How do these reflections change the way I live?

Half way through the four score years ... my birthday this year

I have a nightly routine to shut down the house. I make sure the lights are turned off, the fridge doors are closed, the awning at the back is down and the main gate is closed. Some nights when I miss this routine, things go awry - the freezer door was left open one night; another time the awning was up and the downpour in the middle of the night messed up the laundry hung out to dry. In truth, I have added making ice to my nightly routine. Not the most significant thing perhaps but I was thinking that some day when I'm no longer around, the kids will say "Hey! There always used to be ice in the ice tray. Why is it always empty nowadays?"; and then perhaps they would think fondly of me for making ice for them.

IDMC Conference 2015

I didn't have a word for this desire until I attended the Intentional Discipleship Making Church (IDMC) Conference 2015 organised by the Covenant Evangelical Free Church. The word for this is "Legacy" - what do we want to leave behind when we have gone off to life in another plane? Without going into too much philosophizing or preaching, for myself, I hope that knowing that it's not about squeezing everything you can out of this the four score or so years of our lives in our physical body will make me less grasping and more giving in this life. I hope I can be less threatened by people's actions and more rested in a God who takes care of me for here and for eternity.

My good wife Marie reminded me as my third son (Jonah) comes up for his PSLE Exam this year that I had promised in my earlier blogs to share what I would learn this third round. Here is a brief preview - I decided that Jonah's memories of this exam should not only be about me scolding him incessantly about his work. I have started reading the Bible with him most nights. We have been reading about Jacob in the book of Genesis and I was surprised how God can use a shepherd's life thousands of years ago to speak to the issues a twelve year old boy faces with his brothers, his friends, his chores, his fears of the exam. Through it all, God kept saying to Him "I love you, I love you, I will take care of you." (and I guess to me too). It was a triumph for me when after one such reading Jonah himself picked out God's message for him in the passage - "God is saying He loves me and takes care of me!".

Leaving a bit of Eternity Behind

At the moment, I am reading a Sci-Fi book called "Speaker For the Dead" by Orson Scott Card (I'm not morbid, it's just co-incidental). In it he writes of himself "A writer's life is boring indeed. I write stories about people who take risks, who reach out and change the world, But when it comes to my life, it mostly consists of hanging around at home, writing when I have to, playing computer games or watching TV whenever I can get away with it. My real life is being with my wife, with my children; going to church and teaching my Sunday school class; keeping in touch with my family and friends; and, the primary duty of every father, turning off lights throughout the house and muttering about how I'm the only one who seems to care about turning them off because I'm the one who has to change the lousy light bulbs." 

The lantern I made that
won second prize in school.
Would he remember?

His life sounds just like mine! I think those of us who get to live such lives should be thankful for such quiet blessings. One of my best friends felt called by God to run for political office in this past election. He knew that it would have an impact on his personal and family life. I admire and respect him all the more for his choices. He didn't have to do it but he did because he felt it was the right thing to do.

The premise of Mr. Card's book is that at the end of one's life, someone should tell our entire life story - not just the good parts; and not even the average between the good and bad parts but even the bad parts as well. So when my time comes, perhaps my children will remember that "he was grumpy often, not very playful, liked to nap a lot, doled out pocket money regularly, made ice frequently ... and read the Bible with me." 

I believe legacy can be found in our daily mundane living ... and if that is not enough then it helps to know that life here is not the end but the beginning of an adventure that will stretch into all eternity with the One who loved us enough to die for us on the cross. 

From Sergeant Dad to Friend

'Army Camp' Home

Four Precious Young Men

Whenever people find out that Marie and I have 4 boys at home, the usual refrain is "How do you ever manage at home?". My answer is frequently "Like an army camp!". I will invariably get this look that expressed what they were not saying - "you're joking right?". OK, I'm joking, well ... maybe only half joking.

It Gets Crazy!'

It does get crazy at home making 6 different peoples' schedules work. Even the 3 year old has play school now and Friday is "Gu Ma" day (he spends the day with my sister after school). The others have school, supplementary lessons, tuition, school activities, piano lessons, church activities, hanging out with friends; and of course Marie and I have our own lives to live. Sometimes I picture in my mind a vortex spinning furiously and spitting us out in all sorts of random direction.

Last year, Caleb was invited to his friend's for a Bar-B-Q. For weeks he was excitedly telling us about it every opportunity he had. Confession time kids - yes, we try our best to listen to you but there are four of you. Sometimes when you tell us the same thing over and over again, it just becomes a background hum. So the day of the party came and with a chirpy 'Bye!' Caleb was out of the door. At 7 pm as Marie and I were sat down to dinner, we looked at each other with a rising feeling of panic, "Do you know where Caleb is? What time was he supposed to be back? Do we have his friends' number? Do we even have the friend's name?". Unfortunately the answer to every one of these questions were either "Don't know" or "No". Alarmed, we called his mobile phone. Why is it that kids' mobile phones only seem to ring when their friends call but not their parents? There was no answer from him.

'Rules, Regulations & SOPs'

Of course Caleb eventually came home happy and safe, much to our relief. I told Marie that in future when the kids wanted to go to a friend's home, they needed to fill up an approval form for us to sign off. No, we didn't really implement that but Marie and I have learnt that routines, processes (SOPs as the military calls them) and scheduled activities go a long way to minimise the chaos in a big household. Last year I introduced Marie to scheduling for the boys for their at home activities as well. The boys have chores at home and we expect them to perform them well. Woe to the one whose chores needed to be redone. One of the skills the boys have gained in our household was how to fly below the radar so that they don't get caught to sign "extra" (i.e. extra duties) as the military calls it. Over the years, to get things moving or simply to cut through the chaos, I have had to play the role of an army sergeant barking out orders. Of course the boys didn't always like it. I began to suspect that I liked being the Sergeant Dad more than I should. It started to bug me - sure it got the job done but were these my boys or my soldiers?

Our children are one sure sign of the passage of time - "Where did our babies go?" Even Samuel was three and very insistent that "I am a big boy, not a baby". Joshua, our eldest, was spending more time with his own activities and friends than with the family. This was not an unhappy rebellion but a healthy desire to gain independence and to develop his own identity in his teenage years - something that we encouraged. It was hard to let him go, especially for Marie. It struck us that with the little time that we were spending with him, we would rather be his friend than his military commander. When we reviewed what we said to the kids the whole day long it sometimes seemed like just a long string of instructions and rebuke.

Becoming Friends

Becoming friends with our children took both planned intention and unplanned opportunities. Marie suggested that for the first Sunday of every month we sat down for a family pow-wow before going out for a nice dinner. We've had the first one and it went well. At that meeting I admitted that over the years I had used anger as a tool to get things moving more often than necessary. I promised that in future I would try to use other emotions (humour is a much better alternative). It's by God's grace that now two weeks later I have still been able to keep my promise. We talked about many things that day. The kids were curious about what Marie and I did in situations they were facing from our own childhood. Telling them our life stories was a good way to teach them life lessons.

Magical Moments

The other night I was watching TV with Jonah. It was a home improvement show where the couple were choosing a property to purchase. It was a magical moment for me when instead of saying "Aren't you supposed to be studying?", Jonah and I debated which was the more likely property. We high-fived each other when we got it right. Precious opportunities come unplanned and I have to be ready to capitalise on them.

I have also decided that being friends meant that I could be more generous with the kids. Nothing expensive or fancy but an occasional and unexpected gift was great fun for them and me. Jonah has this eccentric sort of humour and loves kooky stuff. When I saw these pair of rabbit-ear headphones in the shops the other day it had his name written all over it. He was thrilled by them. I was surprised at how delightful it's been these past few days watching a pair of rabbit ears bobbing about in the house like some crazy Alice-in-Wonderland tea party.

Caleb with his middle child traits needs us especially to be his friend to gain confidence to be who he is. We've noticed that unlike Joshua who's launched himself off confidently into the world, we need to journey some more with Caleb before he found his own place in the world. I have declared this year to be "Caleb's Year of Discovery". We will try out different things in life together - go for a play, explore an historical site, eat a meal reviewed by a magazine food critic, pick up a new sport, anything he wants to do to discover his own interest.

Recently, I decided it was a good time to jog one sunny afternoon but it turned out to be too hot. I ended up not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. As I sat cooling down and drenched in sweat, Samuel came along: ,"Stand up Pa Pa! Play ball with me!". He had no problems issuing commands. This was the 3 year old who had seen every military commander technique used on his brothers. It took more than one command to get me moving but I'm glad I did! We had lots of fun that afternoon kicking the ball to-and-fro that afternoon in the little strip of grass we had by the side of the house.

"Good kick Samuel"
"Thank you"
"Good kick, Pa Pa"
"Thank you"

Some people cannot understand why anyone would ever want to have four kids. I am learning that when these kids grow up to be my friends as well God is blessing me more abundantly than I could ever imagine.

So much fun :D