Hi! Welcome to my blog. I'm an ordinary guy finding out what it means to live a life with the amazing God of the Bible. These are my stories and lessons.
Book 3. Bought in Kinokuniya for $25.79. Not sure when I bought it, published 2012, so probably quite some time back. Interesting book by David Finch who married his high school sweetheart and discovered in the 5th year of a marriage heading towards disaster that he had Asperger Syndrome. I quote "Of course, sensory issues and clumsy social exchanges don't ruin marriages. What brought my marriage to its knees were my God-given egocentricity and inability to cope with situations and circumstances beyond my control...I'm certain that pathological close-mindedness isn't one of the top qualities a person would look for in a spouse." (P.12). The book is his journal of how he worked to change himself to save his marriage, with his wife. As she reminded him, in her great wisdom, "...we can work together to fix our marriage, Dave. This isn't about fixing you."
I found this book interesting. I always thought that I was a good guy and a good catch in a marriage. Alas, I also learnt through my marriage that I was more ego-centric and selfish than I wanted to admit. Perhaps having an Asperger diagnosis was convenient for David, at least there was a clinical diagnosis to explain his behaviour, rather than having to face the humiliating revelation that I had no excuse for being selfish except that I was selfish.
The Bible tells us that Asperger or not, what ails all of us is sin. The Bible also tells us that we change, not from fear but from love. I am transformed because God loves me, just as I am, ego-centricity and all. I am learning to love my beloved wife @mariehwang because I am learning that God loves me. I no longer have to strive to demand from my marriage enough love for myself before I can love Marie.
Like David Finch, we realised our marriage was challenging within the first 5 years; oh, how we struggled ... and now with our 28th Anniversary coming up, we're still learning (& sometimes struggling). Perhaps that's why this book appealed to me then; David and I have common experiences, and I know I will learn something from his struggles. It's a Keeper for me.
This is my second book from my shelf. I bought it from "Littered with Books" in Singapore because Gerald Durrells' "My Family and other Animals" was one of my favourite childhood book. The sunny Greek island of Corfu took on a mystical quality for me - an island paradise filled with never ending fun, adventure and quirky characters; not least Gerald and his eccentric family.
From "The Durrells of Corfu", Michael Haag wrote "The Durrells themselves were masters of fabulation. All of the children were great storytellers and embroiders of tales. They complained about Gerry's My Family and Other Animals ... even as they happily appropriated each others' stories and, where necessary, invented new ones" pg. xi. In this book, Haag tried to tease out what were truths and what were hyperbole, tracing the lives of the Durrells from India to England, Corfu and then Europe and the US.
I was comforted that the real lives of the Durrels were at least equal to the stories they spun. What impressed me was that they lived their lives large and with seeming abandon. I contrasted this with my own very protected and circumscribed childhood. My paternal grandmother had this deathly fear that something untoward would happen to me, the first grandson of the family. I was this precious vase that people could admire and only handle with the greatest care, lest I shattered into a million pieces. I realised that her fear for my wellbeing seeped into my own way of living. I was risk adverse. I was happiest in well controlled environments. I even made a career out of it.
I worried if I had passed this fearful spirit on to my own children. It reminded me of another book I had not read (although not on my shelf) - "Joy Luck Club", where one mother griefed that she had no spirit to give to her daughter.
But God reminded me, it is He who gives us His Spirit "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8.14-15. May my family and I learn to live a bigger life for God.
Here goes – first book! By no special preference other than it being on top of the pile. I picked it up from Books Xcess in Penang, Malaysia.
The book is about Sara’s struggle with barrenness and her peace eventually in God.
I quote: “The Lord whispered inside my spirit ... : if you never have a family, will you still love me? … It took me three days to respond ... Somehow, out of this darkness, which seemed so bleak, came a response that I didn't expect. It was so unlike me that I knew I was being overshadowed. The Holy Spirit erected a resolve in my soul that my flesh could not have produced… Yes! ... I began the ascent from rejected to chosen. Even when my circumstances were unbending God was good to me.” (Excerpts from Pg. 81-83)
"Lack and Loss" are the deep hurts we can carry in life. I have not had pain as deep as Sara's but I have lived long enough to know some. My career at this point is floating gently somewhere in the twilight before retirement. Due to a difficult work situation in the last few years, I lost work titles, position and authority. I watched my father fade away, losing ever more physical and mental capabilities, till his passing in December 2023. I reflected that whether I wanted it or not, time is the greater leveller. My younger self would not have believed it, but indeed after 50, one constant is the aching in some body part every morning when I get out of bed.
God knows that I cling to the temporal things of this earth for comfort and security; and miss the comfort and security I should find in Him. I desire perishable earthly goods. He offers me imperishable heavenly treasures. I fear mortality but God has given me immortality (1 Corinthians 15:54). I am learning (as Sara did) that "Lack and Loss" are doorways through which I go further into God, to experience "His infinite love, loving me infinitely" (Jim Finlay, Center for Action and Contemplation). Till my hands are empty I find it hard to seek Him..
I suspect I picked up the book because the title resonated with some part of my life at that point. It's a Sharer, not a Keeper though. If someone wants it please DM me. Thanks!
I have this shelf of books that I have told myself for a while to "Marie Kondo" them (appreciate them then let some of them go) but ended up not doing anything at all. I am thinking of starting a series where I will share my thoughts from at least one book a week. I learnt recently that there's no need to read every book cover to cover. Instead, be sensitive to that one or two things that leapt at me. I think likely that those particular words would be speaking to my encounters, my experience at this point in my life.
At the end I will also have to decide if the book is a keeper or a sharer. If you'd like a sharer book then it might also be a good chance to catch-up when I pass the book to you.
I've read in the Straits Times and seen several shares on Facebook regarding Mr Tommy Koh's appeal for Singaporean bosses to play their roles better. I agree fully with what he proposes, except that we have to understand that he addresses only one specific issues of running organisations. As I had learnt recently at a leadership workshop in my workplace this is but one aspect of bosses' responsibility. Also known as psychological safety, focusing only on this aspect in the workplace might trap staff in comfort zones that cause them and the organisation to stagnate with little progress.
The other aspect that has to concurrently come into play to achieve an ideal work place is the aspect of high accountability. High psychological safety and high accountability together create an energised working environment where staff are confident to push boundaries for better performance and risk the possibility of failure without the fear of punishment. I would add to this mix an organisation vision that captures the staffs' imagination. Staff want to know that their work will ultimately achieve something of significance and value that will last through the ages.
From what I know (and correct me if I'm wrong) Steve Jobs was not the most pleasant boss but the vision he created for the Apple Company and his extremely high expectation for his staff (he wanted to pack a computer into a processor that fits into your pocket after all) captured many peoples' imagination and a long queue to join his company.
Yet, I think there is a better way. This is an aspect of work that I am seeking to build in myself and my team. How can I control whether my team and I would be exposed to unfriendly colleagues, bad processes in the organisation; or even bad behaviour from me or senior staff from other departments (ok maybe this last one I have some control)? The most ideal organisation will be less than perfect. Therefore, should the ideal inner motivation to work in myself and my staff not be a commitment that is resistant to any such external factors in the workplace? People who have such inner conviction "Play to the audience of One"; such people " who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, ... shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies... Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated ..." Hebrews 11:33-37.
Such people have a very simple approach to work commitment - "If God says stay then stay, If God says go then go"; and if I'm staying then I give the best work I can "as unto the Lord and not unto Man". The only challenge here is that sometimes I just cannot predict what God will say to my staff. If God says for them to leave then what can I say to keep them? Therefore this is a faith journey from beginning to end. I will learn to trust God for everything that happens in my workplace. As one staff said to me recently when I asked him why he joined me - was he sure at that point that it would turn out to be a good experience? He surprised me with his honesty, "Actually no, I wasn't sure at all but God said very clearly to me - go and join him; and so I came.".
I had a bit of a laugh recently when at a meeting with my managers I spoke about "Upper Management" and it took them several minutes to realise that I was talking about God and not about Corporate Office. There is no one whom you can expect greater Psychological Safety and greater Accountability than from God - He who spared us no good things and yet desires for us to be Holy as He is Holy. What better worker can you find in the workplace than those who understand this principle?
God brings people - imperfect, fallible and sinful people into the Church - people like me. If it were only us, it would have been a recipe for disaster but it was not. God redeems and out of our mess He creates miracles ...
One moment on top ...
More that half year ago, I was invited to step down from leadership in church. I had initiated a discussion regarding some disagreements and to announce my plans to step down from leadership at the end of my term in a few month's time. I didn't expect to be invited to step down with immediate effect at the end of that conversation. One moment a church leader, the next moment an ordinary member.
To say the least I felt slighted by this turn of events. Pretty soon after that, whenever I was in church I felt all eyes on me. Yet no one uttered a single word to me about my sudden departure from leadership nor thanked me for my work. What was most hurtful was that everyone acted as if nothing had happened. They all evidently knew about the development but chose silence. I could not say I didn't understand their reticence - in the past other leaders had similarly stepped down and had caused pain in church by their very angry and public exits. The people in church were wondering if I were planning to do the same.
Success is a heavy burden to bear ...
For some reason, I felt the burden of success more acutely when I reached this current stage of my life in the late forties. The privilege of youth is the permission to fail. With age, with reputation, with a family to feed, the option to fail became more and more unbearable. The idea of success crept up on me insidiously - it was as if I had gotten out of bed one morning and learnt with momentary delight that I had achieved a certain degree of success; and almost immediately the fear of failure set in. Whether at family gatherings, school reunions (do the frequency of these seem to increase with age?); and how could I forget Facebook? Of course I curated everything that my friends and friends-of-friends got to see. Even more importantly I wanted to make sure that I had something to show - my beautiful wife and children, my fantastic holidays, my lovely dinners, my career successes. Who would ever write "I was just asked to eat humble pie - so embarrassing :( "?
Control ... or the loss of it
The fear of failure - I realised that at its root is a control issue, the fear of loss of control. Once I had gotten to be "King of the Hill" I was desperate to make sure nothing in my environment would create a slippery slope; and for a man of certain "standing", I wanted my opinion and wishes respected and complied with by the people around me.
In other words, I wanted control of the world and this was exhausting because that was a God sized job and not a man sized job. How often had I said "Let go and let God!" and hadn't meant it. Letting go and letting God should mean that I had peace to accept whatever happened to me because God was in control. As Carrie Underwood sang in her song "Jesus Take the Wheel" - I was supposed to be taking my hands off the steering wheel of my life and letting God drive. In truth my hands were ever only inches away and ready to slap God's hands off the instant He drove my life in a direction I didn't want to take.
And then they become teenagers ..
If you ever want to learn what it means to not be able to control someone - have teenagers in your home. Now that I'm in my late forties I have three sons who are in their teenage years. Overnight, you suddenly cannot get them to sleep at night, you cannot get them to wake in the morning, you cannot get them to take their eyes of their mobile devices, you cannot get them to tell you about their day ("... ok ..." is all you hear), you cannot get them to take out the trash when you want them to. You get the idea.
Recently I decided that one of my son's studying and results were not up to my standard. Immediately the control freak in me leaped into high gear. I made him map out every hour of his after school life, made him declare what he would study and have regular meetings with me to give an accounting. Surely this was what he needed to shore up those flagging grades (please note these were judged against Asian Tiger Dad Standards - what may have been perfectly fine to anyone else).
It didn't work - he didn't follow the plan and there was always some reason why he couldn't meet me ("I forgot" being the most common excuse). Every time I turned my head it seemed like his eyes were on his mobile device rather than his books. There were many angry exchanges and interrogations. In the penultimate explosive exchange he looked sullenly at me and said "I'm not doing it because I don't want to. I don't like it". I thank God that at that point He gave me the good sense to ask "What then do you want?" and then to listen. Basically my son wanted 1) "Let me live my own life my way"; and a big surprise to me 2) "Read the Bible with me."
Turning Control over to God
The number 2 request blindsided me and comforted me at the same time. Perhaps in all my failures as a dad I had not failed in everything after all. So we did - we started reading the Bible every Sunday. At 5.15 pm he would promptly say "Pa Pa, you want to do it now?" and we would turn to our Bibles. We didn't prepare before hand. Sometimes we would read what he was reading, sometimes what I was reading and sometimes just a random selection. We just read and let God speak to us from His Word. Invariably there would be something that God would say to him or me. No fantastic prophetic announcements but meaningful to both of us nevertheless.
Marie reminded me the other day "Did you realise that the two of you have been doing this without a break for the last 8 weeks? And you've been consistently adding God's truths into his life." No, I had not realised. It was also about that time that God reminded me of the lesson - to take my hands off the steering wheel of my son's life too and to let God. "His studies" God said to me, "is between him and Me". Of course the call was not to drop my son off into an abyss and forget about him. In the Bible, God said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Trying to control my son? Totally exhausting; and that was not even my job. My job was to point him to God and to let God deal with Him.
Learning to Let Go and Let God
Coming back to the church incident, I thank God that providentially I had gone for a work place workshop around that time. The workshop endeavoured to teach us a different perspective - that in every situation, especially when one's interest was challenged, avoid self-protection first but look to what was best for the situation. While I appreciated the perspective the workshop was teaching I also thought that there was no real way any normal human (I don't profess to be a saint) could be so altruistic unless he first took his hands off the steering wheel. Why did Jesus die with great pain and suffering on the cross for our sins? Firstly because God wanted him to; and because he loved and trusted God. Then secondly because His death was good for us. The church incident was hurtful to me, did I tell you that already? Were there times when I wanted to strike back? Were there times I wanted to create a big scene to justify myself and defend my ego? Of course, of course, of course a hundred times over.
I thank God that He gave me the peace not to. I took my hands off the steering wheel. I trusted God to take care of me. He knew the good work I had done. I didn't need to justify myself. I tried to do what was best for the situation and I promised to continue teaching the children in the ministry I was no longer leading. The human mind could not understand this. It was not intuitive but truly God's ways were better.
Losing something to gain a whole lot more
In stepping down from leadership, I gained many more opportunities to teach the children in church God's truth. This had been my original passion, not this leadership thing. When the people in church saw that I had no intention of turning the world upside down they started to feel safe with me again. About six months later, a lovely lady from church came up to thank me and to present me with a gift in appreciation for my work in the ministry. I could accept the gift humbly and graciously because I had not created a scene. This was exactly what I had wanted - a tangible appreciation, no matter how big or small, from someone in church. It could not have been possible until I had given up my own desire to strike back, to force people into acknowledging and appreciating me.
Church Children's Day Celebration 2016
God Redeems
One year ago, I could not have imagined that I would be up on stage in church, wearing a rainbow coloured wig, with Marie by my side, using science experiments to teach the children and adults in the audience God's truths. My pastor had graciously invited me to share the pulpit with him in our church Children's Day Carnival. We were "Chef Marie and the Mad Scientist".
The Bible says "For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?" (Mark 8:36). God reminded me that even if it was possible for me to control the world, it was not possible for me to gain my own life. To gain my life I needed to take my hands off the steering wheel, let God drive and learn to appreciate the ride. Amen.
Recently I was posed a Facebook challenge by my friend Adrian to post a photo of a significant moment that made me feel proud to be a father. He had a winner - a friend had captured his son and him in a fierce bear hug at the end of a rugby game. Their facial expressions captured the emotional high they shared at that moment for the hard fought victory.
I looked hard at my collection of photos and came up with this recent one of me and the three older ones having dinner at a nearby cafe. It was not particularly well taken - the image was blurred because the ambient lighting was dim. It probably would not have caught many people's attention if I had posted it on Facebook - just another one of the many photos of me and my family enjoying food in an eatery. Nevertheless this was the photo that reminded me of the father-son moments that were precious to me.
Dinner Date with the Boys
I am envious of Adrian and his relationship with his children. It is clear that they share a close bond. I used to feel jealousy and even guilt that I did not seem to have a similarly close relationship with my boys. However, I am learning that with fathering the secret is also to appreciate myself for who I am and not to try to be someone else.
Fathering Styles
Looking at one's own fathering style, I believe one must always look first at one's own father. My father was born and raised in China. Like his father before him, they were typical Asian fathers. Overt expression of emotions were not the norm. Hugs if they ever occurred were uneasy affairs. Asian fathers showed love by providing for the family. The daily family dinner was sacred. Everybody sat down together for dinner. Dad was always there - a sure and steady rock. My Dad is an introspective man. He worries more than is necessary for his children (and still does - I'm going to be 48 years old in a few weeks time, Dad). He loves books. Beach holidays were his escape ... So am I and so do I (apologies for the bad grammar but you get the point) as you will see when I elaborate more in this blog.
In truth, I could be more playful with my children, especially the rough-and-tumble kind. Years ago, after much goading from Marie, I finally agreed to go for a father-and-son camp organised by the school with my oldest Joshua. I treasured the opportunity to spend time with him but for all of me I could not fathom why special father-son moments needed to be held at isolated locations with uncomfortable beds and mosquito attacks. The toilets had bugs crawling in the sinks - those big ugly kind that gave me goose pimples looking at them. When it came for the next father-and-son camp I tried to bribe the next son with a hotel stay in Sentosa instead (beach holiday, my childhood memory of time with Dad, get it?). Strangely he wasn't interested in the 5 star comfort. Thank God that eventually work commitment intervened and I couldn't make it for the camp anyway, especially when I found out later that they had pitched tents in the mud. There weren't even beds to lie on or bug infested toilets.
Starbucks - where else?
I've learnt that I really don't have to bash myself up about not being the 'wild man' type of father. In these modern times, there are many more options for the more introspective, less "swashbuckling", more urbane fathers. I love Starbucks - the coffee can be cheap (if you know how to order), the ambiance is nice. There's no where better to spend time reading a book or reflecting on life but this is not just my private sanctuary. I've spent wonderful moments with all my sons in Starbucks. We don't even have to talk - I could be reading a book and they on their mobile devices. Ever so often I would surprise them with a drink at home. Whenver the word 'Starbucks' left my mouth in Samuel's (my 4 year old) earshot he would not be happy till we got to an outlet.
Recently, in an attempt to better understand the three older teenage boys, Marie and I asked them to do a survey on their Love Language. All of them had 'Spending Quality Time' as their top one or two
Love Language. So it looked like at least I'm on the right track with Starbucks.
Having Samuel after a long break from the third boy Jonah is giving me the opportunity to be more playful. Recently, on two consecutive Saturdays I took Samuel out to the pool at the club. I told myself on the way to the pool to really play with him and not just laze by the pool; and we did - we raced, we chased, we sprayed each other with water and invented crazy ball games. The funny thing was that on both of these occasions, another boy in the pool would try to edge his way into the action - the boys whose own fathers were probably sitting by the poolside reading the papers or their mobile device. My son and I had become objects of envy for others. Success!
As They Grow Older
For the older boys, Marie and I have noticed that as they grew older, it was (as the books also said) I the father whom they were gravitating towards to share their interests. They no longer expected me to bring them camping and even if I brought up the topic (half in jest) they would raise their eyebrows and say "Hah? Really?". What they really wanted these days was for me to be interested in their interests. I'm not really into soccer either but I've learnt that it's important to keep up with the latest developments in Real Madrid or Man U. For another, it's Gundam and of late the art of typography. For the son who has interest in history, I felt a connection with him instantly when I could discuss with him if 1939 was the start of the World War II (I confess had to "wikipedia" it first). With Samuel we're still arguing if Hello Kitty is the most powerful superhero ever. He says, "Cannot! No such thing. Hello Kitty is not real!"; and yet the Avengers are real? I laugh at this illogical logic in him. I love going to the movies and now that the boys are older, I can take them with me to the Sci-Fi and Superhero movies. Marie's just glad that she can be spared from these.
Drawing Them in with Love
Recently I wanted two of the boys to meet me regularly to give an accounting of their studies. The more I tried to get them to comply to my iron clad rules, the more they tried to wriggle out of it. It came to a flashpoint when I was interrogating them for once again missing our pre-arranged meeting time. One of them finally said sullenly, "I don't want to because I don't like it". They disliked these encounters because all I did was tell them about their mistakes and deficiencies. It struck me then that I could never draw them in with rules, even if it was for their good. God pulls us to Him with love first then shows us why His commandments were for our good.
I decided to change tack with the boys. I still wanted them to meet me but I let them decide what they wanted to show me whenever we met. "Your studies, your responsibilities, your plans", I said to them; and I would give them the support that they wanted. More importantly I became more intentional in looking out for their good work to give them praise. For both boys we ended up also reading the Bible and praying at each of these sessions. If my praise uplifted them, it was even better for them to know that God was pleased with them. On the days that they didn't do well we turned to God for His mercy and grace. Does He not wipe our slates clean whenever we turned to Him sincerely? No matter how bad a day turned out to be, we could start the next day with a fresh start. I am learning that if I wanted my boys to grow up to be strong and confident men they needed to hear from me that I was proud of them; and even more importantly that God was proud of them too. I realised that what was also important in my clumsy attempts at being a father was to show my boys that there was a Heavenly Father who could love them perfectly.
My Four Precious Ones
What is Life without Dessert
Coming back to the photo - my Dad was always at the dinner table and so eating together with the boys will always be special for me. At the end of the meal I asked one of them what he thought of the dessert. He didn't look impressed "They shouldn't serve bread-and-butter pudding in a bowl and the bread was rubbery." I couldn't have been more proud at that point - indeed a son after my own heart. A good meal was never complete till it ended with a good dessert. With my style of fathering I may never be a father of significant moments but I certainly can be a father of everyday moments. Amen.
